I lied about my age! Please help!

[locksmithers]

So I've been abstinent since July. I usually get my hookups through Craigslist. The guys I meet there are just that--hookups: The guy comes over, we have sex, and the guy leaves. Sometimes they text back for round 2, but sometimes I never hear from them again. This way, I have no emotional attachment. I've steeled my heart this way due to many heartbreaks and failed expectations in the past.

Lately, due to the stress of midterms, I've been wanting cock so bad. So I posted several ads on Craigslist. Since I live in a small town and Craigslist ads are not frequent, I decided to put different ages on my different ads just so the guys browsing wouldn't know they're all from the same person.

Anyway, lots of people replied. But lots of people also flaked. It was 11:30 at night on a Friday, I was just about to sleep, when my iPad beeped and received an e-mail from someone. He said he's "straight but curious" and that I should text him. So I did. Fast forward to 15 minutes later, he's in my house. GODDAMN he's cute. Tall, blondish/brown hair. Always smizing eyes. Just pure boyish quality.

My technique when hooking up is always to start off with a massage. This eases off the tension between me and the guy. So we talked and we talked while I straddled him.

For the record, I am actually 24 years old. This guy whom I was massaging replied to my ad saying that I am 19 years old. I wasn't bothered by this. He asked whom I lived with. I said my roommates--but again, this wasn't true. I live with my brother. He asked if I knew his best friend "Ben". When he said the last name, I KNEW who Ben but again, I lied. Every other question, I answered truthfully throughout the night.

I wasn't bothered by this string of lies because I passed him off as someone who's just going to be a one-night-stander. Someone whom I wasn't going to ever see again.

BUT he started sending feelers to me when we were cuddling, saying he wanted to invite me for supper with his friends the next day as his date. Or that I should hang out with his friends to see movies every week. I wasn't prepared for this at all. Usually I was always the clingy one--but due to failed expectations, I learned NOT to be clingy. But now I have this guy in my bed saying he wants to see me not only for round 2 of sex, but he was implying for something long-term!


Next day, we saw each other again. I kept delaying telling him the truth about my age, about how I know his best friend, and whom I actually lived with. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt so bad throughout the night. I promised myself to tell him in the morning but I didn't do it. Some part of me was afraid I was going to lose him. And in the back of my head, I was thinking a 5-year jump in age was just going to be too much for him to handle.

So my question is, when and where and how would be the best way to admit him I've been lying to him, without him being turned off? I'm so scared.

P.S.: He's also training to be a cop and said the other night (we met 2 nights in a row) that he has no tolerance for bullshit!

[G-Lexington]

Tell him. You could keep the lies going, and maybe get a few more rounds of sex in, but if you want this to be anything beyond that, your best bet is to tell him as soon as possible.

"I AM interested in perhaps moving this beyond a hook-up thing. But if we're going to do so, I suppose I should come clean about two things. One, I'm not 19 - I'm 24. Secondly, I DO know Ben. If we're going to move forward with this, it's best to do it with everything on the table."

It does seem a bit weird that somebody who is "straight but curious" wants his hook-up-possibly-soon-boyfriend to hang out with his friends. That's usually something they want to keep on the downlow.

Lex

[locksmithers]

^I forgot to add in response to the above: He lied when he said he was "straight but curious". He's full-on gay. But the difference between my lie and his lie was he admitted right when he got to my bedroom the first night, whereas with me, I prolonged it for 2 days.

[justanothershyguy]

Just tell him. Be honest and say, "I didn't expect it to be anything more than one night," but be prepared to be honest about everything.

When you're telling him, be sincere about it. Don't let this drag on anymore, either. The longer you wait, the more it could hurt one or both of you in the end.

Since you asked when and where, I would suggest you ask him out to lunch or dinner or just to hang out. Something face-to-face so you can show him emotion with it and that you're not just lying again.

Good luck

[gsdx]

Tell him you lied as Lex suggests, then tell him WHY you lied. And don't forget to apologise to him. Then hope he forgives you.

[jaysizzles]

I don't think those lies are big enough to make him change his mind about you, especially since it's kind of understood that people lie on CL all the time, as did he, to cover their identity, make themselves more attractive, etc.

Follow Lex's advice.

[bankside]

You were setting up a date to have sex with a stranger. The fact that you lied might make it harder for him to let any trust grow between you. But he would be a bit naive to think a stranger would tell him the truth about anything.

I couldn't handle having sex with someone I don't trust, but that is why I never did hook-ups. The point is, people who are okay with hook-ups are by definition okay with the idea of fucking someone they don't trust. So if you come clean now, you're hardly breaking some illusion of trust anyway, unless he's incredibly naive and a little bit obtuse about the fact that he also lied.

Finally, even when you're completely honest with a stranger from the beginning, it still takes time to build actual enduring trust. So your start with this guy made things more complicated. Might as well tell him and put it behind you. He will either keep it in perspective or show how unrealistic he is in his own assumptions about meeting strangers on the internet.

[loki81]

the longer you delay telling him, the worse it will be when the truth inevitably comes out.

[G-Lexington]

^I forgot to add in response to the above: He lied when he said he was "straight but curious". He's full-on gay. But the difference between my lie and his lie was he admitted right when he got to my bedroom the first night, whereas with me, I prolonged it for 2 days.

That probably would've been the time to come clean. But better now than later.

Lex

[locksmithers]

I was going to prolong this until the weekend, but I just texted him inviting him for supper tomorrow night.

So nervous.

[justanothershyguy]

I was going to prolong this until the weekend, but I just texted him inviting him for supper tomorrow night.

So nervous.

You can do it

Just promise yourself you won't chicken out. He deserves to know if the truth about you if you even think you have feelings for him that might be reciprocated!

[locksmithers]

1.) At what point during supper should I reveal it? BEFORE taking orders, while waiting for orders, during eating, or after eating?

2.) What is the best way to formulate what I'm going to say?
a.) (build up) THEN say "I'm actually 24"
or
b.) "I lied to you. I'm actually 24." THEN (explanation)?

[dereperez]

1.) At what point during supper should I reveal it? BEFORE taking orders, while waiting for orders, during eating, or after eating?

2.) What is the best way to formulate what I'm going to say?
a.) (build up) THEN say "I'm actually 24"
or
b.) "I lied to you. I'm actually 24." THEN (explanation)?

Maybe instead of saying that you lied to him, say something like "I want to be completely honest with you." And then just go ahead and say it. No use for beating around the bush.

And also, better late than never.

[justanothershyguy]

To be honest, I'm not sure there is a best time "when" to say it. The sooner the better would be my best judgement.

As for what to say, I would try my best to put it in as positive of a light as I could..
"The reason I invited you to dinner is because I need to be honest with you. I'm sorry I didn't bring this up before, but I'm really 24... [explanation]."

[Telstra]

Tell him the truth while smiling and joking around like "oh by the way i've told you two lies"

[rareboy]

Just say to him..."I really like you and I want you to know that I want to come clean about my age on the ad because I thought it would only be a one time thing. If you put me in handcuffs, I'll tell you how old I really am. And then I'll come clean."

[jaysizzles]

You seem to be making more out of this than it needs to be. When you hand him a drink after he first walks in, just casually say something like "ok, I've got to come clean about some stuff I told you, I'm actually 24...etc."

Why do you think he's going to freak out? Geesh...you've had sex with him a few times and he obviously likes you or he wouldn't have accepted your dinner invitation. Chill out and just have an enjoyable evening.

[Brian Smith]

I am going to chime in with those who are saying to communicate, but I will not agree with trying to make light of it. You do not want to show any strong emotion in showing it. Just very politely put the ball in his court.

Explain that you lied about your age to get cheap sex, and you were not expecting something to come of one of these hook-ups.

If he breaks up with you over something that trivial, you probably would have eventually gotten pissed-off with him anyway. Judgmental creeps are just that: judgmental creeps. They can't help themselves, though, so there is no use in arguing with them. If he chooses to be that way, just peacefully let him go.

If he chooses to forgive you, that is one more thing to love him for.

[G-Lexington]

1.) At what point during supper should I reveal it? BEFORE taking orders, while waiting for orders, during eating, or after eating?

2.) What is the best way to formulate what I'm going to say?
a.) (build up) THEN say "I'm actually 24"
or
b.) "I lied to you. I'm actually 24." THEN (explanation)?

How about before you go?

Lex

[Benvolio]

If he is upset, be careful not to respond with recriminations. It is likely that when he has thought about it he will realize that he likes you too much to let the small lies matter. Don't say anything which will hurt the relationship further.

[Rolyo85]

No offense, and I don't mean it as an attack, but you sound awfully immature.

First, this is a non-issue unless YOU are giving off the vibe that it is, which he will pick on. What you should do is just casually say "ok, I know you hate bullshit, and I kinda like you, so I need to come clean. I lied about my age, I'm actually 24. I put different ages because I didn't want people to know all the ads were from the same person. Also, I know Ben. I didn't tell you right away, because I felt awkward talking about it with a stranger". And that's it. NO dark brooding confession, NO deep damaging revelations. Just a quick explanation with a smile, putting him at ease, making no big deal out of it. Because it ISN'T a big deal. "Lying" is not black and white, there is also context, and mature people recognize that.

Second, you seem prone to drama. You are 24, and you talk like you're 40 and have had multiple serious long relationship crash and burn in an avalanche of betrayals and back-of-the-hand-on-the-forehead drama. You're still VERY young. You have had learning experiences in dating. Question is, what have you learned from them? Because trust me, "I can't ever trust anyone, and give my heart to anyone, because they'll just smash it on the floor" is NEVER the right lesson to take from an unsuccessful relationship.

Third, craigslist is trashy even on a hook-up scale. And dangerous.

[hylas]

dont joke around like its no big deal at all. dont treat it like some terrible, dark secret, either.

just tell him. tell him that you really like him, which is why you want to come clean, and apologize.

there is a chance that he doesnt take it well, but it sure as hell isnt going to get better the longer you wait.

good luck!

[Benjoe]

I think you should show him this thread, you explain it really well and you might mess it up when you try to explain it in person. I'm sure he'll be fine with it, you weren't trying to be be deceitful, you just weren't expecting anything more than a casual hookup so put in random details. Do this sooner rather than later though and good luck, you sound like a nice genuine guy

And when it comes to random sex hookups it's not always a great idea to start giving out loads of personal info straight away like who you live with, who your friends are, who you know. So I think he should be understanding.

[Ganoderma]

hi locksmithers,

I agree with all others that you should tell him this as soon as possible. Many people over here have already given you a large variety of advice how to do it, which words you need to use, etc. Up to you to pick the one you think is the best. Good luck and I really hope you will be able to built up a nice friendship with him. Please keep us informed.

Take care & best wishes.

[sixthson]

1. He knows you are not 19.

2. Come clean about it and ask for forgiveness. If he is not capable of forgiveness,
he is not capable of love, either.

[Seasoned]

"I want you to know that I'm 24. I know Ben and I live with my brother. I thought this was just going to be a hook up or two but now that we're hitting it off I want you to know the real me."

[StillWaters24592]

So how did the dinner go?

[locksmithers]

AFTERMATH:

It was Monday morning and I texted him at 10:00 am, tempted to just text him the truth. But he replied later than expected, which allowed me to think rationally.

I asked him if he wanted to go do one, two, or all of these things: restaurant, movie, or walking. But in the end, he just ended up going to my room again, which was preferred actually. As soon as he came in, I sat him down and told him the truth:

"Hey, where do you see us going? (he answered, then) Well, before we continue on, I just want to say I lied to you about a few things. First, I'm really 24, not 17. Second, I don't have roommates. I live with my brother. And third, I've met your best friend before and gave him a handjob at the movie theater."

Surprisingly, he took it well. He even expressed relief that I was older, as opposed to being younger. After, we watched a bunch of YouTube videos, then we ended up cuddling in bed, which led to him going under the sheets, which led to him asking me to fuck him.

He fell asleep right after, and slept through the night. He left at 6 am. He hasn't texted since, but I have faith that he will.

P.S.: It was strange though that he didn't make the initiative to kiss anymore.

[justanothershyguy]

Good to hear from you locksmithers!

I believe it is a good sign that he took it well and stayed with you. If he lost interest, he could have just left and said something along the lines of "thanks, but no thanks."

I wouldn't look into the kissing thing too much, it was only one evening.

All in all, I'm glad everything has worked out so far. Honesty is the best policy in the end, and this is another case of that. Good luck and remember to be upfront with him. If he knows anything about being good to someone, he'll treat you the same way and be upfront with you!

[locksmithers]

Thanks for caring loves! <3

[dereperez]

AFTERMATH:

It was Monday morning and I texted him at 10:00 am, tempted to just text him the truth. But he replied later than expected, which allowed me to think rationally.

I asked him if he wanted to go do one, two, or all of these things: restaurant, movie, or walking. But in the end, he just ended up going to my room again, which was preferred actually. As soon as he came in, I sat him down and told him the truth:

"Hey, where do you see us going? (he answered, then) Well, before we continue on, I just want to say I lied to you about a few things. First, I'm really 24, not 17. Second, I don't have roommates. I live with my brother. And third, I've met your best friend before and gave him a handjob at the movie theater."

Surprisingly, he took it well. He even expressed relief that I was older, as opposed to being younger. After, we watched a bunch of YouTube videos, then we ended up cuddling in bed, which led to him going under the sheets, which led to him asking me to fuck him.

He fell asleep right after, and slept through the night. He left at 6 am. He hasn't texted since, but I have faith that he will.

P.S.: It was strange though that he didn't make the initiative to kiss anymore.

Glad to see that it went so well for you. And I think he didn't take the initiative anymore because he now knows that you're older. Initially, maybe he felt like he "needed" to make the first move, or be the aggressor since he thought he was older (and that you're younger, more naive, lack experience, etc). Now he probably just doesn't feel as compelled to take the initiative.

[Rolyo85]

I will be the rain on this parade, but only to point out a potential possibility:

Many guys take this type of stuff with delay. When they are WITH the other dude, they are kinda accepting it, going with the flow. But when they are finally alone, they start thinking about it from a different angle, and suddenly decide differently.

I know all I'm doing is adding anxiety, I just want to prepare you, so that you're not wondering WTF if he suddenly pulls away. But I DON'T THINK HE WILL. If he took it well initially, he most likely didn't have a problem with it. And either way, it was the right thing to do, not just morally, but in order for this thing to have a chance to develop

[umjreon88]

Good that you are honest in the end. The future can only be uncertain henceforth, after all, it is his call if he still wants to be with you. Hopefully he can see that you came clean and pursue the thing.

With regards to the kissing, maybe it's because he felt that since you are older than him, that you should start making the moves?

*hugs*

[sixthson]

AFTERMATH:
First, I'm really 24, not 17. Second, I don't have roommates.

I thought you said 19.

[jaysizzles]

You said you asked him "hey, where do you see us going?", but I didn't see that you mentioned what his response was. I'm wondering if he "didn't make the initiative to kiss anymore" because you've now been with each other many times and he's perhaps afraid that feelings for each other may come into play...after all, he's the kind of guy that likes CL hookups. He may be afraid you are getting attached and doesn't want to lead you on (?)...idk. Kissing is considered, by many, to be more intimate than screwing.

[bankside]

You said you asked him "hey, where do you see us going?", but I didn't see that you mentioned what his response was. I'm wondering if he "didn't make the initiative to kiss anymore" because you've now been with each other many times and he's perhaps afraid that feelings for each other may come into play...after all, he's the kind of guy that likes CL hookups. He may be afraid you are getting attached and doesn't want to lead you on (?)...idk. Kissing is considered, by many, to be more intimate than screwing.

I never understood that intimacy thing, but I guess it is easier to treat someone else like a human fleshjack if you aren't actually making out with him at the time. I see your point.

[Brian Smith]

If you let it, this can turn out to be a positive turning point in the relationship.

[Durango95]

Ok so you told him. You came clean. The ball really is in his court, now. To be honest he can't really get that bent out of shape about a possible "NTA quickie" ad respondent from CL taking a few liberties with the truth.

The thing is now just keep it real. Lying is such a chore after a while.

[BiMike]

AFTERMATH:

It was Monday morning and I texted him at 10:00 am, tempted to just text him the truth. But he replied later than expected, which allowed me to think rationally.

I asked him if he wanted to go do one, two, or all of these things: restaurant, movie, or walking. But in the end, he just ended up going to my room again, which was preferred actually. As soon as he came in, I sat him down and told him the truth:

"Hey, where do you see us going? (he answered, then) Well, before we continue on, I just want to say I lied to you about a few things. First, I'm really 24, not 17. Second, I don't have roommates. I live with my brother. And third, I've met your best friend before and gave him a handjob at the movie theater."

Surprisingly, he took it well. He even expressed relief that I was older, as opposed to being younger. After, we watched a bunch of YouTube videos, then we ended up cuddling in bed, which led to him going under the sheets, which led to him asking me to fuck him.

He fell asleep right after, and slept through the night. He left at 6 am. He hasn't texted since, but I have faith that he will.

P.S.: It was strange though that he didn't make the initiative to kiss anymore.

Have you heard anymore from him ? If not I think you can just regard it as the hook up you were looking for

[Benjoe]

Thinking about this, the biggest problem isn't the lie about being 24 instead of 17, but the lie about what you do now.

Most guys wouldn't really care too much over just a few years but what you do, school, education, college, job stuff must have come up in the conversation and if you've created some fake alternative teen high school drama lifestyle thing, well, I don't know, that's creepy and depending on how far you went into it may have been a deal breaker... Hmmm... But good luck xx

[locksmithers]

Sorry, that was a typo. I meant to put "19", not 17.

Anyway, since my revelation, we've seen each other 3x now. He even came over Valentine's Day and gave me chocolates, I gave him flowers.

Where is this going? I don't know. We never see each other outside my bedroom. We have a good time every time he comes over. He told his friends and mom about me. Last night he said "I told my mom about you. She asked me if I wanted to date you and I said if my heart feels right I will." He does invite me from time to time to hang out at his place but I'm just too busy with school.

On Saturday, we agreed to meet up. But at the last minute, he canceled on me. So we met up last night (Sunday) instead. But then tonight, my drag queen friend texted me and said, "Your bf (he's teasing me) won a trip to Las Vegas?!" I didn't know about this because my guy didn't tell me anything about it. It kind of hurt and I can't help it, but at the same time, maybe he just forgot, or maybe I shouldn't feel entitled to find out about every single development in his life.

We cuddle all night every time he comes over, but no we never kiss. Is that weird?

[justanothershyguy]

Thanks for the update again, locksmithers.

I don't think it's too weird to not kiss, but have you tried to initiate it? Is he stopping you from kissing if you do? He could be trying to see just how interested you are to do 'more'. Just because he 'always' did it before doesn't mean he wants to be the only one to initiate a kiss! I mean, think about it: if you liked someone in a semi-serious way, would you feel any reciprocation of those feelings if it was always you doing all the work? My advice: when it feels right, just kiss him. If he doesn't like it, then you'll know. If you're that nervous about it, then ask first. You'll get a much more definitive answer on 'why' you never kiss with him then you ever will with us.

Second, I think you're right when you say that you shouldn't feel entitled to find out everything about what goes on in his life. You're not dating him, and even if you were, that feeling of entitlement will lead you down all the wrong roads. (Roads like jealousy, lack of trust, bad communication...) All I'll say about that more now is this: if he wants to tell you, then he'll tell you.

Conclusion: ask him out and kiss him, damnit!

[locksmithers]

^Thanks for the constant replies. You're so interested in this and I'm honored.

Another reason why I never go out with him outside my bedroom is well (*prepares for the onslaught of anti-pity parties*) I'm really self-conscious about my acne/acne scars. Truth be told, he's only seen me in minimal lighting. Not too dark, but whenever he comes over I have one candle lit and the computer on. He's seen me in the daylight but the curtains were drawn shut. I wear a little makeup, so I also decline his shower invites.

I'm afraid he'll get turned off when he seems me in full view. This is especially because he's probably an 8 or a 9 in the cuteness scale. He's basically perfection. You should see him in his cop uniform (*swoon*). I know I know, no one likes a self-pitying fool and that I should be self-confident because that's all that matters, but I can't help it. I'm afraid of losing him.

[MorrisseyX]

What does the OP really want? The OP mentioned that he only meets the guy in his bedroom and not outside, that seems suspicious to me. Is this guy really single? Maybe the OP needs to be more assertive perhaps and ask the guy what's really going on? I know it is corny to have "the talk" but maybe that's what needs to happen? If the OP likes the guy he should tell him and ask the guy what is he looking for? It sounds like the OP wants something more and not just spending time in a bedroom. You should tell him that you would like to do things outside of the room and see how the guy responds.

[locksmithers]

The OP was last week. It already evolved, albeit too fast. I don't know what I want. I just want this thing to keep going.

[jaysizzles]

He told his mom about you and brought you chocolates...that means he likes you more that just as a fuck buddy. I don't know, but it seems that the ball is in your court to bring up how you feel. Even if you don't know for sure, at least let him know what you do know..that you enjoy your time together and want it to continue. It would be good to see him outside of your room tho...at his place...maybe a date. He may be assuming you only want to be fuck buddies and that you're not interested in more. talk to him and clarify your status...even if it's just to say you want to keep it casual and status quo.

I doubt the acne/scars is an issue with him...he probably already sees it through the makeup and dim lighting.

[borg69unimatrix]

To me the non-kissing just sounds like he's taking it slow. Oddly enough, a lot of guys see kissing as more intimate than sex. He told his mom about you, and told her he wanted to date you if that's where his heart goes. He has invited you to meet his friends. I think he likes you, and is just keeping himself a little bit guarded to not get hurt, or fall too quickly.

It's going at a good pace!!! Just relax.

I also see your acne excuse as a bit overly dramafied like your age thing. He knows what you look like, and likes you as is. As hard as it might be, if he invites you out with him and his friends, get up off your ass and GO !!! He's holding out a pretty huge olive branch, IMO, and you need to grab that sucker, if you want him and want to make a good impression.

[sixthson]

He said he told his mother. That doesn't mean he did.
Not kissing is weird, imo.

Meeting only in your bedroom implies he sees it as just hook up sex. Or he's in the closet.

[Rolyo85]

I would also consider the non-kissing as a red flag. It's a sign of some underlying issue with being gay more often than not.

[altlover85]

He said he told his mother. That doesn't mean he did.
Not kissing is weird, imo.

I would also consider the non-kissing as a red flag. It's a sign of some underlying issue with being gay more often than not.

Well, he was kissing him at one point.

Locksmithers, I would definitely move this out of your bedroom, otherwise you won't really know where this could go.