Age gap an issue?

[SecretSatisfaction]

Hey all, once in a while poster but regular visitor

So the other week a met this guy. we've been talking/texting pretty much non stop since then and i like the conversations i have with him. I'm not sure exactly what's going on yet but there's definitely 'something' there

One thing i am aware of is the age gap. He's 19 and I'm 27. I'm just a little confused and after some advice really. Is this one of those situations that it's only a problem if i make it a problem?

Thank you in advance

[BENDERBOY]

It's really not that big a cap, and as you say, it's only a problem if you allow it to be.

Good luck and enjoy yourself.

[altlover85]

I agree, it's not a huge gap. With that said, keep the communication open and see where things go.

Good luck!

[Seasoned]

Keep communicating. If it seems right, it is right.

[panda29]

it's only a problem if you allow it to be. The same as me & my partner & we have no problems Ps. not the same age but the same difference..

[Brian Smith]

Try a 43 year age gap.

Look, consider it this way. When you are 35, he will be 43. When you are 70, he will be 78. Do you see the proportional age gap narrowing as you both age? Don't be intimidated by an age difference.

[SecretSatisfaction]

Firstly thank you for your replies!!

Update (of sorts) during a text conversation earlier "how old are you anyway?" happened to come up. I told him and he doesn't care (which is good because it had never occurred to me think what he would think about it )

Anyway I'm probably going to keep things moving, I'm interested and a little excited to see where this is going

Thank you all again, I found Brian Smith's comment interesting, when you use bigger numbers, the gap seems less noticable. It's another way of looking at it i'd never thought of

[jaysizzles]

I think it's a more a matter of the two of you being in a similar mindset of what you are looking for in a relationship, your maturity levels, and having things in common, than the actual age gap itself. A 19 year old may still be in that stage of life where they want to play the field, establish a career, continue with education....maybe party more or socialize late at night with friends, etc. If that's what he's looking for and you're already past that phase...looking to be more settled, having to be in early due to work the next day, etc., then there could be issues. If you are each in a similar place, then it's easier to mesh. I do think that many 19 yr old guys still have some growing up to do and may not yet fully know what they're looking for not only in a relationship, but in life in general as well. A few more years may make a difference.

All this said, it's really a matter now for each of you to communicate your expectations for this relationship...casual dating, serious minded, just sex, etc. Personally, I'd keep it casual and not try to think long term, for the time being anyway.

[hylas]

not gonna lie, i think the gap is pretty big, and may be a problem. but i would still try, if it feels right. better try and fail than give up from the start, right? my best friend is in her early 30es and dating a guy in his early 20es, and theyre doing fine. good luck!

[Rolyo85]

The problem is not the gap but where it's located. 8 years is trivial when it's between 27 and 35, but 19-27 is a matter of completely different worlds. You are a grown up, he's a kid. People change drastically in the 18-24 period, and unless you just wand some friendly pokage, I'd recommend against trying to get serious with a 19 year old.

[hylas]

^ yeah, thats what i meant actually. he said it more clearly.

edit: uh wait... the first part of rolyos post is what i meant. the second part differs somewhat.

[pilotguy121a]

I'm 20 (21 in May) and my boyfriend turned 30 in November. We are both on the same maturity level and it works, very well actually. I was initially concerned what people would think but I got over it quickly. Good luck!

[dereperez]

Age is just a number when you factor in individual variation and maturity. If you two can hit it off well, and can find many similar interests, then it shouldn't be a problem. It is for some, but it may not be for you. Why not give it a try?

[-Kane-]

You're not too old....He's just TOO YOUNG!

If he were over 21, then I would approve, but being 19 is off limits...
Technically, you're fooling around with a teenager.

[Georgiadude]

If your happy and he's happy then there isn't an issue. It's your life and only you can live it. If it hasn't been an issue so far why make it one now? Is this going to be a life long relationship?, maybe, maybe not. However, if he were closer to you in age would it be a lasting relationship? maybe, maybe not. For now I say leave the age issue alone and be happy.

Steven.

[Aussie-Cub]

Age is just a number when you factor in individual variation and maturity. If you two can hit it off well, and can find many similar interests, then it shouldn't be a problem. It is for some, but it may not be for you. Why not give it a try?

I agree completely. If you are of the same mindset and maturity then there shouldn't be any problems.

Just remember that kids are hitting puberty younger and younger these days, and unless he's been wrapped in cotton wool for the last 19 years would know that it's a harsh world out there.

But if you're concerned about it, give it a go but still live your own life (like don't move in together or get stuck into a financial or legal commitment together). You might just find that the two of you click really well, and if not, at least you gave it a go.

/My Two Cents

[aaggii]

You´ll be asking yourself ¨what if¨ if you want to give it a try but won´t do it. What´s the worse that can happen, not work? This sad stuff happens always, age gap or not. My bf is more than twice my age (he´s 48, i´m 23) and no problem here, we even started living together last year. Cheers!

[capitanblack2007]

Hi guys
I have the same problem!
I dated a few guys who were younger than me (I am 28 and they were 20~24), and in all cases I was really anxious and shy.
Whenever we went out (to a cinema, coffee shop, restaurant, shopping center), all people looked at us crazily and we felt it. This was the main reason that we couldnt go further (
Now, I've been messaging a guy who is 21 and we are gonna meet soon, but I am scared of this happens again.
Any advice?!
I have been thinking which other places we can go that less exposed to a lot of people looks?!

[Rolyo85]

Yeah, I pretty much am absolutely certain that it's all in your head. 20-28 isn't nearly enough of a difference for anyone to be looking at you AT ALL. I am 27, and since I am in school, I have 19-year old friends I hang out with one on one in the city, and NOBODY has EVER paid any attention to us. You're imagining it because of insecurity.

[earlgrey]

I'm 27, and have usually dated guys in their early 50s. Neither of us have ever felt that we were getting funny looks, except this one time where this dude thought I was an exchange student he was taking around, and just yelled out "Where is he from?".

[capitanblack2007]

Hi guys
I have the same problem!
I dated a few guys who were younger than me (I am 28 and they were 20~24), and in all cases I was really anxious and shy.
Whenever we went out (to a cinema, coffee shop, restaurant, shopping center), all people looked at us crazily and we felt it. This was the main reason that we couldnt go further (
Now, I've been messaging a guy who is 21 and we are gonna meet soon, but I am scared of this happens again.
Any advice?!
I have been thinking which other places we can go that less exposed to a lot of people looks?!

Warm thanks to Rolyo85 & earlgrey for their responses
The other thing between us now is our non-homogenous combination, lol.
I mean, we have different ethnicity; Consider a 28 Middle Eastern with facial hair & 20 white blond!!
I dont know, I might not continue with this one

[earlgrey]

I mean, we have different ethnicity; Consider a 28 Middle Eastern with facial hair & 20 white blond!!
I dont know, I might not continue with this one

I'm in the same boat here, I'm East Asian, and the guys I've dated have been Caucasian, so we can't exactly pass for father and son. I'm not even out out, but I sort of just don't care. Don't let what complete strangers think (or what you think they think of you guys) play such a big role into how your relationships turn out. Just be more confident about it.

A 20 and 28 year old could easily be friends/co-workers hanging out to be honest.

[Aussie-Cub]

Warm thanks to Rolyo85 & earlgrey for their responses
The other thing between us now is our non-homogenous combination, lol.
I mean, we have different ethnicity; Consider a 28 Middle Eastern with facial hair & 20 white blond!!
I dont know, I might not continue with this one

In the end it is all your choice as to whether or not the general consesus of the people around you comes into play or not.

To be honest, if you're happy with him then go for it, age & race has no impact on how you feel about someone and if the general public can't accept that, then well that's their loss.

-Coz

[Millie85]

Hey all, once in a while poster but regular visitor

So the other week a met this guy. we've been talking/texting pretty much non stop since then and i like the conversations i have with him. I'm not sure exactly what's going on yet but there's definitely 'something' there

One thing i am aware of is the age gap. He's 19 and I'm 27. I'm just a little confused and after some advice really. Is this one of those situations that it's only a problem if i make it a problem?

Thank you in advance

As someone in almost exactly your position, I'd like to give you my point of view.

I am 30, my boyfriend is 21. We met when he was 18 and I was 27. My experience with dating someone so much younger than myself in a nutshell: yes, the age difference does bring a set of specific issues with it. These need not be insurmountable (as in our case), but they might just become that if you deny their reality. They need to be acknowledged and dealt with. Just like any other fact of reality.

It's not really the age difference that matters, but the difference in life experience. This is why the exact same age difference tends to be more noticable between, say, a couple of ages 19-27 than one of ages 29-37. As 'Brian Smith' pointed out, the proportional gap narrows as you both age. And this is because life experience accrues so much faster than when you're younger.

Even though the difference in life experience is always relative to some extent (some people are mature for their age - and vice versa), there's no denying that life experience differs factually between people of ages 19 and 27. For one, your brain hasn't even fully developed yet when you're 19! Around the age of 20 people really start to form their own identity for the first time and it's much more of a search than when you're older (even if you do search your whole life). When you're 27 you've had way more time to get used to yourself, know how you react in different situations, and are more familiar with how people react to you. When you're 19, you simply haven't had as much chance and so you're identity has a much bigger question mark behind it.

If you both realize this (and as the older one who´s been through that stage in life, you'll realize it a little better), then you can deal with it. You're both in your own stage of life and can share a huge space that overlaps in between. But you both must also have respect for that part which doesn't overlap. It will overlap more in time, but only with time. And mutual respect. He especially will need relatively more time to get up to speed. Again, this needn't be a problem. But it will invariably be if you treat him as if he was already up to speed.

It's not an easy balance to strike. What can you expect from a partner in general, and what not? And now specifically, can you expect the same things from someone who is so much younger? You'll have to think it through, be mindful of the gap in life experience and talk to him openly about it if you think it's giving either one of you trouble. But whatever you do, for God's sake: be honest - to him and to yourself. He must know where you stand, even though he may not yet stand there quite yet himself. For example, you might more easily talk about being long-term boyfriends whereas he still shies away from such talk. Respect that he may need more time to figure out where he stands on issues like that, but NEVER EVER hold back where YOU stand. Make it clear that you do not always expect him to be as clear or sure about his position on certain things as you are, but that you do have the right to express how you feel about things. (And the same goes for him, of course). I cannot stress the importance of this enough.

To close tnings off: the only other thing that can fuck up a relationship with an age difference (or any relationship, for that matter), is when there's a disbalance of powers. This usually happens when the younger person becomes in some way dependant on the older person, for example when he looks up to his older partner so much, that he starts acting the way he things his partner wants, even in really subtle ways. If this becomes anchored in his personality, which is still very much forming then, years later he may find out where his real boundaries lie and distance himself or even rebel from his partner. (I know of an older friend who had a very loving relationship with a younger partner, who years later broke it off and blamed the older person for not respecting his boundaries enough. The problem was that my older friend never even knew he didn't do this enough, as his younger lover always seemed very happy). Only date a younger person who is good at making clear what he does and doesn't want. Never EVER go with a younger person who will say "yes" to everything. In fact, encourage each other's independance. It's the only way to make sure overdepence will not be an issue.

I wish you both much love.

[SecretSatisfaction]

Hi all so just a quick update: it turns out this thing has finished before it even started I got a text the other day saying he's really busy and doesn't want to lead me on. Next thing i know the F(riends) word is mentioned and.. yeah. That was last week

Anyway, i just wanted to say once again how amazing the advice is on here and although this hasn't worked out for me in the end, it gave me food for thought and encouraged me to go for it! i feel it may also help someone in a similar situation. At least I have a new friend out of it... because you can never have too many friends lol

Thank you! x

[aaggii]

Sorry to read that! But don´t let yourself discouraged over this, other things will come!

Good luck!

[eastofeden]

Hey all, once in a while poster but regular visitor

So the other week a met this guy. we've been talking/texting pretty much non stop since then and i like the conversations i have with him. I'm not sure exactly what's going on yet but there's definitely 'something' there

One thing i am aware of is the age gap. He's 19 and I'm 27. I'm just a little confused and after some advice really. Is this one of those situations that it's only a problem if i make it a problem?

Thank you in advance

Well...My lover was 21 and I was 29 when we met which is the exact ratio you are asking about if you fast forward two years..and this year we will be together 27 years ....so it worked nicely for me.

There are so many factors though and I always think you should pay attention to your instincts.

[IAMTHATIAM]

Umm... a guy at any age who would post this, with a guy at any age. AWKWARD.

Is that a violation of tos here? Saying the truth?

1 - If you actually care for the dude, WHO CARES!
2 - If you're just after a little fun, and don't care abour hurting anyone (douche), then WHO CARES.

...um either way, who cares.

He's a grown man or should be, so DO, FEEL, let it go where it will, or at least where your willing to let it go, and end this.

[IAMTHATIAM]

Umm... a guy at any age who would post this, about a guy at any age. AWKWARD.

Is that a violation of tos here? Saying the truth?

1 - If you actually care for the dude, WHO CARES!
2 - If you're just after a little fun, and don't care about hurting anyone (douche), then WHO CARES.

...um either way, who cares.

He's a grown man or should be, so DO, FEEL, let it go where it will, or at least where you're willing to let it go, and end this.

[franklinP]

I do not see any problem with age gap and the gap is not really big. Do not think about it. Spare yourself with that issue.

[ardys1]

It's really not that big a cap, and as you say, it's only a problem if you allow it to be.

Good luck and enjoy yourself.

I know a lot of friends who has an age gap of 5 years and sometimes 8 years. When love struck age will not matter.

[niccolo1]

It should not be an issue unless you consider it as an issue. Move on and be happy.

[jarib1]

Age does not matter in love or in sex.

[Cleland]

Age does not matter in love or in sex.

True! My mom is 5 years older from dad.

[SaskGuy]

Once you get out of school, age difference doesn't really mean anything.