You'd be surprised. I've had several guys in Sydney actually try it as a pick up line. That they're married, their wives don't satisfy them, they're drunk and horny. Give the propensity of Gay men who fantasise about sleeping with straight guys it's no wonder people think "I'm straight & married" works.
I think Eastofeden's position can be quite succinctly described as spinning around this question many people have asked of "why would someone sleep with someone married" into "why is someone married looking to sleep with someone else?"
And it is interesting that collectively there seems to be a little discomfort with that change of angle.
.........the thing for me...human relationships are complex and I get tired of hearing people point fingers at the other person when they should be using the time to have a better understanding of themselves.
On a personal note....I won't even have sex with anyone who has ever been involved with a friend of mine much less when they are currently involved.
I am glad to see Medusa has finally met her overdue end. It's so easy to spot the trolls. Some of them you already know to ban just weeks after they join. It spares the whole community the trouble of going through the same crap, time and time again, with these loathsome reprobates.
pat_grimshaw, Broodmother of Despair and Trolldom, you've lost another spawn. I know you try so hard to defend them in their meltdowns, but you always fail. I only hope that someday, the rainbow justice of JUB will come for you too.
Last edited by Just_Believe18; February 12th, 2013 at 01:39 AM.
#439th oldest member on JUB.
That's (as far as I understood it) what Eastofeden was saying.
For three years I was with a true sadist. He did a number on me mentally. I was able to slowly overcome it...I am giving you the very short version of it.
So...one day near the end he hated that he had lost the control over me that he once enjoyed so he did something to try and break me. There was a bartender who I hated with every fiber of my being. He used to get drunk and stir people's drinks with his cock. When I had to relieve him on his shift the entire bar was a disaster and I had to play bad cop. My lover knew I hated him and he also knew I kept my personal life out of the bar so he killed two birds with one stone and before I came to work one night he had sex on the bar in front of a huge crowd with the bartender I hated and he exposed my personal life to a bunch of people who I kept it from....
I had to follow him on his shift that night and I was extremely humiliated and in a rage....I thought my life was over....
...and then I found out there was something even worse...people rallying around me to give me sympathy...UGH.
Politely for maybe the next six months (I left him immediately BTW)...when anyone brought him up I did not trash him...I simply said that I would like to change the subject and not discuss it with them and if they couldn't respect that I would ignore them....and I did.
Eventually...when I had time to think...I began to tell people not to feel sorry for me or to blame him because I had turned down tons of nice guys to be with him. I wasn't interested in nice guys at that point in my life....due to circumstances earlier in my life I recreated a situation and this time I survived and evolved. I thanked my ex. I was no victim...not then anyway. He did me a favor. End of story.
Thanks to my attitude...I moved on and soon afterward met the man I am with now...WITHOUT THE BAGGAGE!...thanks to how I processed the previous guy. I have had a wonderful relationship for almost 27 years now. I know the value of taking responsibility for your part in ANY relationship.
I have been here so many times before and I know how it ends ...I could give examples as well for pages if I must to prove my point but that is always a waste of time so I will redirect....
I remember when Bobbit cut off her husband's penis and women (and many gay men) cheered her on because "he deserved it". OMG
So I would say to them...what would you think if a man mutilated his wife's vagina or cut off her breast because SHE was cheating?
MUCH different reaction...no cheering anymore.
Cognitive Dissonance....or maybe watching too many Lifetime Movies. I don't care for a victim mentality. I don't have to since there are so many of you who do.
Lorena Bobbitt was a little different. She was being physically abused, sexually abused and she was cheated on.
Im not saying that she should have cut her husband's penis off but I suspect that if this man had only (not down playing cheating) been cheating on her, she may not have chopped it off.
Last edited by MissAnne; February 12th, 2013 at 07:40 AM.
" For all there is to feel, let it be felt"
― Emeli Sande
The only way you are doing them a favor is if you tell the person who was cheated on shortly after it happened.
Cheaters cheat because they want to cheat. They are not driven to it by someone else. Many of them get all the sex they want at home and are not in stressful relationships. They just want sex with someone other than their spouses.
This is not a gender issue, either. We are focusing on men as cheaters here because the OP opened it that way.
The cheater is the one responsible for his/her infidelity, not the third party. That doesn't make him any less vile, however. Knowing the person hitting on them is married and going through with it anyway only shows their own selfish disregard for anyone else. The cheater and the third party are both indefensible in their actions. Cheating is a selfish. greedy act, like stealing. Try to justify it all you want, but you still end up the loser.
If someone is unhappy in their relationship, they owe it to themselves and their partners to work it out. If they can't, then they have options other than cheating...like leaving, but doing it openly and honestly.
Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.
But that doesn't mean you're obliged to thank the asshole pelting you with lemons.
It's one thing to accept responsibility for your own choices, to outgrow your own na´vetÚ and to admit "I picked him." But his behaviour is your business in any relationship, and if he can't or won't take accountability for it, there is no problem, no baggage, no "living in glass houses," just to point out to someone the extent of their own bullshit. It's also pretty effortless.
And people keep forgetting we don't have to choose between blaming the ex or blaming the person he cheated with. I'd have enough time in the day to recognise the bullshit from each of them and call them on it before my breakfast mug of tea even gets cold.
Two journalists killed during live broadcasts by madman smothering them with pillows. Because remember, guns don't kill people....
Im not saying that cheating is like commiting a murder but Ive often looked to a murder analogy when it comes to third party fault.
I kind of see it like if a person were to knock on my door, wanting to borrow a knife in order to kill someone.
I could give them the knife and say "Well, they were going to get the knife from somewhere, that person had their mind made up long before he/she came to me"
But my usual stance is: They can do whatever they want to do, but they arent going to get the knife from my kitchen.
" For all there is to feel, let it be felt"
― Emeli Sande
[quoye]Also, It's like you're assuming that when someone cheats, it's ALWAYS because their spouse isn't doing something right at home.[/quote]
Actually taking responsibility has nothing to do with "wrong"...or not doing something right. It is empowering and that is the point. If I haven't made that clear...my apologies. If the other person cheats...it is not even about the person who they are cheating on..
As for communication...real communication begins with being honest with yourself. Alot of people forget this part and when that happens...communication can be a nightmare for both parties.
Is all I have to say
After I had sorted everything out...much later...I thanked him because due to the circumstances we both created...I walked away with a healthy self esteem after processing it and instead of being his victim...I chose to empower myself and own my shit. I told him that I was looking for an asshole and he did a AAA+++ job of giving me what I wanted so I want to thank him.....I was sincere when I said it to him and sincere when I forgave him and wished him well...he couldn't even speak...poor thing.
I did go through all of the usual stages prior to that though...rage...feeling sorry for myself...feeling like a victim...crying...feeling sick to my stomach...plotting revenge...so much more...and then I decided he has had enough of my mental time and the answer to that was within me...not him.
I did, however, do one really horrible thing to him a few years later. Well...one horrible thing and one sorta horrible thing. And it makes me smile when I think about it.