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  1. #1
    animalius
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    I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Ok, so before I left today I left out a big piece of "ham" for the b/f to make dinner when he gets home. He always gets home before I do.

    So, while waiting for my train in the cafeteria, I was horsing around with some strangers when the b/f called and told me what I left out wasn't pork. I told him just make do with it because it's from the same animal anyway, and he said no it's not. I was still in my joking mode from BSing around with strangers in the cafeteria, I asked the woman next to me if she thought ham and pork was from the same animal.

    Anyway, the b/f hung up and is now really mad at me (from his text). I'm sitting on the train now and trying to think of what I'm going to say to dig myself out of this hole when I get home.

    Yes, it was immature of me and I feel really bad about it.

    What do you think I should say?

  2. #2
    The gay gargoyle
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    He doesn't know that ham and pork are from the same animal?

    ...I recant my previous post about not having a thing to worry about when you take him home to meet the fam-fam.

    Lex

  3. #3
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Apologize to him. Say "I'm very sorry. We're not going to my sister's family gathering for Chinese New Year. We're not ready. Need to wait a few more years."

  4. #4
    animalius
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    No, really guys, this is my fault. I should not have done what I did.

    In fact, I just realized just now that I'm in an abusive relationship with me being the abuser. In this case, I make him feel shitty about himself.

    I really need to pay more attention to myself and not be what I hate.

  5. #5
    Keeland
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by animalius View Post
    What do you think I should say?
    Self: Lips, don't unpurse.

  6. #6
    The gay gargoyle
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Should you have done what you did? No, probably not. Apologize for mocking him in conversation with strangers.

    Lex

  7. #7
    Shy-ster justanothershyguy's Avatar
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    There's a time and a place to joke around, and you just learned that wasn't the time. Apologize to him and point that you shouldn't have joked around (or made fun of if you did that, I can't tell from what you wrote). If you really wanna go the extra mile, ask him if he can wait to eat until you get home and you cook dinner for the two of you.

    Whatever you do, just talk to him. The worst thing you can do is let it fester.
    Author of Lost in a Dream. If you want to make me smile, read it and tell me what you think.

  8. #8
    AshyPhoenix
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Um, what? You call that abuse?

  9. #9
    BENDERBOY
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    A big piece of ham indeed.

  10. #10
    animalius
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by AshyPhoenix View Post
    Um, what? You call that abuse?
    It's emotional abuse. I'm a lot older than he is, and so I know a lot more than he does. Also have a lot more experience. If I don't watch what I don't watch what I say, then it's very easy for me to say things that make him feel shitty about himself. That constitutes abuse.

  11. #11
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by animalius View Post
    I'm a lot older than he is, and so I know a lot more than he does.
    I see your problem right there.

  12. #12
    Look, listen and rejoice oakpope's Avatar
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    ^If I may ask, what in him made you fall in love ?

    I'm surely a bad person, but I think I couldn't date seriously someone whose intellect I couldn't even respect.
    Magna Veritas


  13. #13
    AshyPhoenix
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by animalius View Post
    It's emotional abuse. I'm a lot older than he is, and so I know a lot more than he does. Also have a lot more experience. If I don't watch what I don't watch what I say, then it's very easy for me to say things that make him feel shitty about himself. That constitutes abuse.
    A simple misunderstanding is not abuse. It might be if it were constant and unrelenting (like my last relationship, where I was the abuser), but this doesn't deserve the label of "abuse".

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by oakpope View Post
    ^If I may ask, what in him made you fall in love ?

    I'm surely a bad person, but I think I couldn't date seriously someone whose intellect I couldn't even respect.
    You're not a bad person at all for thinking that. I refuse to get involved with anyone if I can't enjoy their mind as much as their body.

  14. #14
    animalius
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by oakpope View Post
    ^If I may ask, what in him made you fall in love ?

    I'm surely a bad person, but I think I couldn't date seriously someone whose intellect I couldn't even respect.
    Started out with lust. Then I fell in love with his mind.

    He does not lack intellect. Trust me on that. He lacks experience and proper role model in his life.

    His father abandoned him when he was little. His mom has been an alcoholic for like 15 years. He moved out and had been on his own since he was 16.

    He's a very sweet guy. If anything, it's me who doesn't deserve him.

  15. #15
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    While you're at it...tell him spam is also a pork product.

  16. #16
    Sex God Sparky-Sparky-Boom-Boom's Avatar
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Dude start talking to your BF about the problem not stragers cause it seems yr relationship seems to have such minor trivial drama.
    If its like this now I hate to see whats its like further down.

  17. #17
    Count Hedgecula freefall's Avatar
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    ^When someone doesn't know ham and pork are from the same animal, I would question his general knowledge.
    You should apologise, still, for belittling him in the public.
    come now, my child. if we were planning to harm you, do you think
    we'd be lurking here beside the path in the darkest part of the forest?

  18. #18
    animalius
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by Sparky-Sparky-Boom-Boom View Post
    Dude start talking to your BF about the problem not stragers cause it seems yr relationship seems to have such minor trivial drama.
    If its like this now I hate to see whats its like further down.
    I do. We always talk after we got into some drama like this.

  19. #19
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by animalius View Post
    Started out with lust. Then I fell in love with his mind.

    He does not lack intellect. Trust me on that. He lacks experience and proper role model in his life.

    His father abandoned him when he was little. His mom has been an alcoholic for like 15 years. He moved out and had been on his own since he was 16.

    He's a very sweet guy. If anything, it's me who doesn't deserve him.
    Are you sure you are being entirely truthful with us?

  20. #20
    animalius
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by Harke the Boeotarch View Post
    Are you sure you are being entirely truthful with us?
    Which part do you question?

    Anyway, the train is 10 minutes from my home. I'm getting nervous.

  21. #21
    Sex God Sparky-Sparky-Boom-Boom's Avatar
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by animalius View Post
    I do. We always talk after we got into some drama like this.
    Then I suggest you learn to just move on cause you just come cross as a annoying whinny drama queen.

  22. #22
    WTF????? refujiunderground's Avatar
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by animalius View Post
    Started out with lust. Then I fell in love with his mind.



    you mean the same mind which did that huge miscalculation concerning the down payment for some used car, wanted you to give him money to help him pay for it, got mad when you corrected his math and is also in school to be an accountant?

    you sure know how to right guys to be miserable with.
    one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

  23. #23
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by Harke the Boeotarch View Post
    Are you sure you are being entirely truthful with us?
    What I meant is: you sound like a teenager or a very immature twenty-something person. Are you sure you're not still in high school?

  24. #24
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Just ham it up.

  25. #25

    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by freefall View Post
    . . .

    You should apologise, still, for belittling him in the public.
    Yes, and then bring him to JUB so he can see how he’s been described and discussed on a website full of strangers.






    Completely random question

    Did rareboy’s knitting thread have any sock patterns?

  26. #26

    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    I think in this case, you're both right.


    2 ham
    verb

    Definition of HAM

    : to execute with exaggerated speech or gestures : overact <ham it up for the camera>
    intransitive verb
    : to overplay a part
    See ham defined for English-language learners »
    pork Featured Word

    verb - transitive

    to have sex with a person.
    http://www.justusboys.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic216959_1.gif

  27. #27
    The gay gargoyle
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    But on a positive note, you got to tell a whole slew of people that your boyfriend didn't know that ham and pork were from the same animal. So there's that.

    Lex

  28. #28
    Huntneo(PT)
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Something is just wrong about this entire deal. I don't think you're abusive...but your "i'm older...so I'm wiser" way of thinking isn't cute.

    And I'm not the brightest bulb in the box, animalius...but it worries me that he was confused about the ham/pork deal.

    At least he's hot, right?

  29. #29
    animalius
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by Huntneo(PT) View Post
    Something is just wrong about this entire deal. I don't think you're abusive...but your "i'm older...so I'm wiser" way of thinking isn't cute.

    And I'm not the brightest bulb in the box, animalius...but it worries me that he was confused about the ham/pork deal.

    At least he's hot, right?
    I didn't say I'm wiser. Please re-read my post. I said I'm older (fact), has more experience (fact), and know more things. Like how to transfer a title, get better insurance deals, etc.

    I do not think I'm wiser. He teaches me a lot of things. It's mutual.

  30. #30
    Count Hedgecula freefall's Avatar
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by Kahaih View Post
    Yes, and then bring him to JUB so he can see how he’s been described and discussed on a website full of strangers.
    At least WE'RE the one belittling the man and not his own partner
    Plus he could see his man defending him, so an angry sex will take place later
    come now, my child. if we were planning to harm you, do you think
    we'd be lurking here beside the path in the darkest part of the forest?

  31. #31
    animalius
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Woohoo, he accepted my apology.

  32. #32
    Huntneo(PT)
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by animalius View Post
    I didn't say I'm wiser. Please re-read my post. I said I'm older (fact), has more experience (fact), and know more things. Like how to transfer a title, get better insurance deals, etc.

    I do not think I'm wiser. He teaches me a lot of things. It's mutual.
    my apologies...it just came across that way to me.

    I'm glad you understand that there are always things to be learned across generations.

    consider me checked.

  33. #33
    Dimples glasvegas's Avatar
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by animalius View Post
    Woohoo, he accepted my apology.
    Glasvegas likes this

  34. #34
    animalius
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by Huntneo(PT) View Post
    my apologies...it just came across that way to me.

    I'm glad you understand that there are always things to be learned across generations.

    consider me checked.
    Understandable.

    Most people who said what I said probably meant "wiser". I live by a very important rule to me. Always self check. I grew up with a know-it-all, wise-it-all father, and that's the last thing I want to be.

  35. #35
    JUB Addict Anders123's Avatar
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Guys, a reality check can be important, but when you take it too far it just starts to become needlessly insulting. A few of the OPs comments have bothered me slightly, most of them pertaining to the "I'm older and therefore wiser" mentality, but then again I'm young, so what do I know?

    Seriously though animalius, you are making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be, but it's clear that this is because you care about your boyfriend and feel terrible that your words may have caused him hurt. It may indeed be representative of a larger trend, and if so, I think it's important for you to consider why you feel the need to undermine his self-confidence despite the guilt that it causes you. Expressing that you feel you don't deserve him, coupled with the inordinate level of anxiety you feel over a relatively small indiscretion, suggests that perhaps you have an irrational fear of him leaving, and put him down because you feel inadequate or unworthy. Of course, this is just my generic, perfunctory interpretation after reading less than ten short posts on a message board, and only you can know for sure why you do it, or if there's even a deeper reason behind it. Still, it may be worth your consideration.

    For now, take a deep breath and relax. Fretting over 'what ifs' isn't going to change what happens when you get home, it will only serve to exacerbate your anxiety. Be honest, apologise, and listen when he tells you why he's angry. Learn from this, and don't laugh at your boyfriend's expense. It shows a profound lack of respect, and few things will destroy a relationship quicker.

    Edit: I really need to learn to stop browsing JUB with multiple tabs.

  36. #36
    Hard-up1
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    The story doesn't add up. It sounds more like he was contending that ham and fresh pork are not the same thing, regardless of whether he knew they both are from a pig.

    Was he making as stir fry, or cutlets, so that a cured ham is NOT the equal of pork?

    That sounds more like it. If he was upset, it was because he could not use ham in the dish he planned, no?

  37. #37
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by HunterM View Post
    While you're at it...tell him spam is also a pork product.
    That has never been proven.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  38. #38
    BENDERBOY
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f


  39. #39
    animalius
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by Anders123 View Post
    Guys, a reality check can be important, but when you take it too far it just starts to become needlessly insulting. A few of the OPs comments have bothered me slightly, most of them pertaining to the "I'm older and therefore wiser" mentality, but then again I'm young, so what do I know?
    Haha, what's with the putting words in my mouth?

    Seriously though animalius, you are making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be, but it's clear that this is because you care about your boyfriend and feel terrible that your words may have caused him hurt. It may indeed be representative of a larger trend, and if so, I think it's important for you to consider why you feel the need to undermine his self-confidence despite the guilt that it causes you. Expressing that you feel you don't deserve him, coupled with the inordinate level of anxiety you feel over a relatively small indiscretion, suggests that perhaps you have an irrational fear of him leaving, and put him down because you feel inadequate or unworthy. Of course, this is just my generic, perfunctory interpretation after reading less than ten short posts on a message board, and only you can know for sure why you do it, or if there's even a deeper reason behind it. Still, it may be worth your consideration.
    And I would say you're probably right on some of these things. I do not do it consciously. In this particular case, I just wasn't thinking. Was joking around with strangers in the cafeteria when he called. Was still in the joking mood.

    And yes, I am afraid of him leaving. After dating so many weird guys, I've finally found someone who's so lovely and warm... and normal.

    In no particular order, here are some examples of the kind of guys I've dated.

    Started out dating a beautiful guy. Then the guy started wearing makeup. Then he started wearing dresses. Right before my eyes, he transitioned into a woman.

    Started out pretty normal. Turned into a nightmare. Cheated on me on god knows how many times. Caught std's twice. Tried to set up an elaborate scheme to blame me for the std the second time. It involved giving me the std's. Amazingly enough, I tested negative. Woohoo, still std-free!

    Ever got the "can we just be friends?" line of death? Trust me, it sucks no matter how thick your skin is.

    Passive-aggressive...

    I think of all the weird personality types out there I've dated half of them.

    For now, take a deep breath and relax. Fretting over 'what ifs' isn't going to change what happens when you get home, it will only serve to exacerbate your anxiety. Be honest, apologise, and listen when he tells you why he's angry. Learn from this, and don't laugh at your boyfriend's expense. It shows a profound lack of respect, and few things will destroy a relationship quicker.

    Edit: I really need to learn to stop browsing JUB with multiple tabs.
    I agree... with the last line. LOL just joking. I agree with everything you said.

  40. #40
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    How long have you been dating each other? 5 minutes?
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  41. #41
    WTF????? refujiunderground's Avatar
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by animalius View Post
    Haha, what's with the putting words in my mouth?


    And I would say you're probably right on some of these things. I do not do it consciously. In this particular case, I just wasn't thinking. Was joking around with strangers in the cafeteria when he called. Was still in the joking mood.

    And yes, I am afraid of him leaving. After dating so many weird guys, I've finally found someone who's so lovely and warm... and normal.
    In no particular order, here are some examples of the kind of guys I've dated.

    Started out dating a beautiful guy. Then the guy started wearing makeup. Then he started wearing dresses. Right before my eyes, he transitioned into a woman.

    Started out pretty normal. Turned into a nightmare. Cheated on me on god knows how many times. Caught std's twice. Tried to set up an elaborate scheme to blame me for the std the second time. It involved giving me the std's. Amazingly enough, I tested negative. Woohoo, still std-free!

    Ever got the "can we just be friends?" line of death? Trust me, it sucks no matter how thick your skin is.

    Passive-aggressive...

    I think of all the weird personality types out there I've dated half of them.



    I agree... with the last line. LOL just joking. I agree with everything you said.
    sorry but where are you meeting these guys from?

    and if your boyfriend is the most normal guy out of the past ones you encountered, then
    one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

  42. #42
    animalius
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by refujiunderground View Post
    sorry but where are you meeting these guys from?

    and if your boyfriend is the most normal guy out of the past ones you encountered, then
    You mean you've never encountered the weird personality types?

  43. #43
    Dimples glasvegas's Avatar
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by animalius View Post
    You mean you've never encountered the weird personality types?
    Not as much as you.

  44. #44
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by animalius View Post
    You mean you've never encountered the weird personality types?
    Not until just now.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  45. #45
    WTF????? refujiunderground's Avatar
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by animalius View Post
    You mean you've never encountered the weird personality types?
    yeah, i have BUT everybody even they knew themselves knew they were weird. you on the other hand seem to be the last one to know, man which may be implying something about you.

    each one of your boyfriends seem to be, hope no offense is taking, damaged goods. even your boyfriend now seems to be outthere. you may be into these guys for how they look BUT damn, man... from what you've said about the past guys and the things about this dude, you can do better. well, i hope you can do better.

    if you're happy with that guy, stick with him BUT it sounds like you're just setting yourself up to get hurt again by riding with someone that isn't your type. his ex boyfriend got locked up for kiddie porn that contained your current boyfriend i believe i dunno, he's going to school to be an accountant and doesn't know his math, he doesn't seem to know pork and ham comes from a pig, and etc. then his family history is fucked up too. you're trying to bring him to your parents and family BUT he can't bring you to his family because from what you said, it sounds like he doesn't have any. man.... *sigh* but that's just me though. how old is he again?
    one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

  46. #46
    thatgirl
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    You and your boyfriend are so sensitive about a lot of things, it seems. Hence all of the overreactions which always end up boiling down to a misunderstanding.

    Quote Originally Posted by animalius View Post
    He does not lack intellect. Trust me on that. He lacks experience and proper role model in his life.

    His father abandoned him when he was little. His mom has been an alcoholic for like 15 years. He moved out and had been on his own since he was 16.
    This is pretty intense. It's admirable that you are willing to be somewhat of an older male role model for him at the same time as being his boyfriend but it I can see why it would lead to issues.

  47. #47
    animalius
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by refujiunderground View Post
    yeah, i have BUT everybody even they knew themselves knew they were weird. you on the other hand seem to be the last one to know, man which may be implying something about you.

    each one of your boyfriends seem to be, hope no offense is taking, damaged goods. even your boyfriend now seems to be outthere. you may be into these guys for how they look BUT damn, man... from what you've said about the past guys and the things about this dude, you can do better. well, i hope you can do better.

    if you're happy with that guy, stick with him BUT it sounds like you're just setting yourself up to get hurt again by riding with someone that isn't your type. his ex boyfriend got locked up for kiddie porn, he's going to school to be an accountant and doesn't seem to be good at math, he doesn't seem to know pork from ham, and etc. then his family history is fucked up too. you're trying to bring him to your parents and family BUT he can't bring you to his family because from what you said, it sounds like he doesn't have any. man.... *sigh* but that's just me though. how old is he again?
    Well, I don't judge him by his family. In fact, I'm glad he feels comfortable enough with me to bring me in on some of these things... like bailing his mom out of jail recently. But isn't that the point of life? I envy him for being so psychologically healthy and lovely despite never having any family support. I grew up in a very family supportive environment.

    He just turned 22, but he is so far more mature than other guys his age. He doesn't smoke, rarely drinks, doesn't do drugs, and work his darnest to get a college education. He'll be the first in his family to have a college degree.

    And like others said in the car lease thread, it was just a lapse in judgement on his part. You've no idea how glad I am that even though he had a lapse in judgement I was able to reason with him out of it. Do you know how many people out there tend to be set in their beliefs that no amount of logic will bring them out?

    Since then, we've been able to find a really good car for him. Low miles. Looks like new. Runs great. Good gas mileage. Sun roof. Heck, I like that car and would have no problem having it as my car. And we got it for half the price it is worth (literally). I loaned him some money for it and he insists on paying every cent of it back to me. Monthly payment without interest.

    If you can think of a better guy, please let me know.

  48. #48
    PerScientiam AdJustitiam bankside's Avatar
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Animalius, one thing that would really help in a situation like this is for him to be able to not hang up the phone but say "Don't be an ass, love of my life" and then laugh about you bitching to someone on the train. It's true that teasing can sometimes hurt people even when it's all in good fun. I recommend staying away from it for a while.

    But at the same time, it is nice for him to show a little trust and awareness that to gently poke fun at someone can be a gesture of love and that you aren't out to humiliate him.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

  49. #49
    JUB Addict Anders123's Avatar
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    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    Quote Originally Posted by bankside View Post
    Animalius, one thing that would really help in a situation like this is for him to be able to not hang up the phone but say "Don't be an ass, love of my life" and then laugh about you bitching to someone on the train. It's true that teasing can sometimes hurt people even when it's all in good fun. I recommend staying away from it for a while.

    But at the same time, it is nice for him to show a little trust and awareness that to gently poke fun at someone can be a gesture of love and that you aren't out to humiliate him.
    You make a valid point, but I'm also twenty-two, and if I had an older partner who continually emphasised my youth as the root cause of my iniquities or supposed naivete, it would infuriate me to hear him mocking me for it, especially in front of others. Sometimes a joke is just a joke, but other times it can be much more, and it is not always unreasonable for a person to be offended.

    Of course, in such circumstances it's not necessarily the 'joking' that needs to be addressed, but the subtext behind it.

  50. #50
    animalius
    Guest

    Re: I just screwed up really bad with the b/f

    So, I've admitted to him that I was an ass and that I will improve myself for him. Then we had sex to makeup

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