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  1. #1
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    Need some advice

    Hey everyone, I need some unbiased insight into a something I've done three times already and I cant seem to figure out why

    Ive been dating my boyfriend since May 2011. We are just like any relationship, we have our awesome moments and our 'I wanna slap you" moments. Anyway, this is the longest relationship Ive ever been in so I definitely wasnt prepared for everything a relationship entails, not that im trying to make excuses though... Anyway back in Sept 2012, I gave my "straight" friend a blowjob. Its someone I had screwed around with in the past while I was single. About a month later, I told my bf and it tore him up inside but he loves me so much that he didnt break up with me.

    About a month later, we were going through a rough patch where we just seemed so distant from each other.. We werent as close as usual or didnt even talk as much and I guess that cause of that, I decided to go for round 2 with the same guy. This time, when I told my bf, he felt guilty too for the distance thing and he said he didnt blame me, which didnt make a difference in my eyes.

    Than, about 3wks ago, I blew another guy. Actually, it was the guy I was supposed to go on a date with one night back in May 2011, he blew me off(n.p.i) and I ended up going to Applebees with my current bf. I told my bf last night and we were on the phone for about an hour and once again, he forgave me. Havent talked to him in person though yet.

    I am just so confused right now and dont have anyone I can consult about this.. What confuses me the most is that I love him and I know i do and in terms of a relationship, I dont wanna be with anyone else. The weird thing is that Ive dated a few guys before and my bf has really never dated anyone before me and he has always been faithful to me but obviously im unable to do the same.. I dont know why I keep doing this to him, Im not bored with our sex life or anything and I still am very attracted to him

    Sorry for the long winded thing here but I really need some input from you guys.. Thanks in advance

  2. #2
    Coward92
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    Re: Need some advice

    I think you should break up, because you don't seem to be prepared for a relationship.
    You lack the commitment to make this work I think.
    You need time to grow up a little more. You have practically cheated on him 3 times. He deserves better treatment than that, especially if you claim to love him.

    Your boyfriend seems to lack self-esteem.

    I would expect a huge storm of arguing, but he just "forgave" you. I am guessing that if you remain together theese things will come back to haunt you yet.
    Last edited by Coward92; February 3rd, 2013 at 09:44 AM.

  3. #3
    nerd of prey hylas's Avatar
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    Re: Need some advice

    my take: youre either subconsciously sabotaging your relationship for some reason, or youre not happy being monogamous... or both.

    either way, i think you should stop being so shitty to your boyfriend, even if you can get away with it.

  4. #4

    Re: Need some advice

    I don't know how old you are but you sound very young. I wasn't into relationships when I was young. I tried like you are doing but it never seemed to work out. I got caught up in the "together 4ever" thing. A principle concept of anthropology is that subcultures always emulate the dominate "parent" culture, thus the going steady thing and the dating thing and the "marriage" thing.

    I know this will probably get everyone going but gay men notoriously have commitment issues. I'm not saying it's impossible but it is very difficult. I have a lot of "married" friends in open relationships. That is so funny to me. They really aren't in a relationship but try telling any of them that.

    Here are a few questions you should ask yourself? Did you do this for his reaction? Are you doing this as a control mechanism? Are you with him because you don't want him with anyone else? Do you respect him after he forgives you? When is the next time you will do this? Are you prepared to be labeled a cheater and not really ever have a LTR with anyone? (That is provided you really want one of those.)

    Flying solo is probably a better idea for right now. Remember your actions affect others.

    Do you want to make this guy a paranoid cynic?

  5. #5
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    Re: Need some advice

    You have a funny way of showing love and I predict you will continue to cheat as long as your bf continues to be your doormat.
    Cheaters and doormats are both very unattractive kinds of people.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  6. #6
    Execuvette Rolyo85's Avatar
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    You should let the guy go. Sounds to me like he's afraid to lose you and that's why he's "forgiving" you. But it's not really forgiveness. Every time you do that, it's a huge hit to his self-confidence. You're telling him he's not enough for you, that he's not satisfying you sexually and that he's not worth being faithful to. What your reasons are is nether here, nor there, but you're hurting this kid in a way that neither of you is really aware of, and the damage will stay with him for years.

    So next time you decide that somebody's trust is worth less than a blowjob, dump him. You owe it to him, and ultimately he will recover better and faster from it than from the abuse he's suffering from you.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
    - Gene Wolfe

  7. #7
    On the Prowl pilotguy121a's Avatar
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    Re: Need some advice

    I also agree, you need to let him go for his sake. I have never dated anyone before, except my current boyfriend and if he were to cheat on me, I wouldnt forgive him and I would end it. So while your boyfriend may be "ok" with it, he most certainly isn't. Either get your shit together and stay committed or let him go for his sake.

  8. #8
    Execuvette Rolyo85's Avatar
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    I'll add that a one time mistake sucks but doesn't necessarily mean anything more. Repeat it again though, and you have a symptom of an underlying problem.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
    - Gene Wolfe

  9. #9
    JUB Addict loveguys72's Avatar
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    Re: Need some advice

    Once is a mistake. Twice is intentional. Three times is a pattern. Releasing your boyfriend is probably the kindest thing you can do for him, even though it will hurt both of you for a little while. Otherwise, you're just going to keep on hurting him by cheating on him, and that's not fair to him. Maybe after a time you'll be ready for a committed relationship, but it doesn't seem like that time is now.

  10. #10
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Need some advice

    I think you can figure out why if you're honest with yourself. You're putting yourself in situations where it's easy to do. Be honest and decide what you want. A committed monogamous relationship might be something that's more attractive to you in theory rather than in practice.

    Think of a kid's slide. While you can stop yourself from sliding any time before you actually sit and push off, if you don't want to slide it's best not to climb the ladder, even better to avoid the playground.

    Good luck to you as you make some decisions.
    Last edited by Seasoned; February 4th, 2013 at 04:44 AM.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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