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  1. #1

    What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    What would you do if you were dating this guy for about two weeks or so, you guys only had sex once since dating, and you think everything is good until you and the guy run into some of his friends, and he introduces you as his bro (friend/buddy). Then when you ask him what's up with him introducing you as just a friend to his friends, he tells you that he hasn't come out to any of his family, friends, & associates yet…then he tells you he really like you and everything, and he wants to keep seeing you but could you guys relationship be a secret for now….. Would you break up with him? What would you do?

    I asked this question because I have a friend who is experiencing the situation as we speak, and he asked me what he should do. I don't want to tell him to break up with this guy because I know for a fact that he is really into this guy, and me and him both know how hard and scary it could be coming out of the closet to people, but my friend being an very affectionate person who very often like to express PDA might have a hard time dating a closeted homosexual. My friend also told me that when they would be in public he (the guy) would shy away from any PDA, but my friend just thought that maybe the guy wasn't a fan of PDA like a lot of people we know.
    Last edited by ilovejstrokesdonk; February 1st, 2013 at 12:52 PM.

  2. #2
    CE&P Secret Police xbuzzerx's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    Tell your friend it's only ever going to be booty calls and if he's not okay with that move on.

  3. #3
    Coward92
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    As I live in a place where pretty much everybody does this, I am inclined to tell you that if this state is only temporary, than he should go for it.

  4. #4

    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    Quote Originally Posted by xbuzzerx View Post
    Tell your friend it's only ever going to be booty calls and if he's not okay with that move on.
    I never met the guy I've only seen a picture of him that my friend took of them together so I can't judge him based on other closeted homosexual actions, but I agree with you to a certain extent because I have been a booty call for a few closeted homosexuals & “Str8 Guys”, and I know it may sound stupid but I loved it because the sneaking around gave me such a rush…..but anyway my friend isn't like me he really cares for this dude!!!!

  5. #5
    JUB Addict Ohiospeedo's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    Does your friend's guy plan on coming out of the closet anytime soon? And I also think it depends on where you guys live, if it is somewhere conservative - then it isn't a problem. I just think that your friend shouldn't try to push him out of the closet. Just try the relationship for several months and see where it goes from there.

  6. #6
    CupidBoy
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    I'd start sucking him off right there in front of his friend.

    No, but that's a deal breaker, I need a real man, a real gay man.

  7. #7
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    If the sex is HOT...I would keep him. When do people automatically become boyfriend/girlfriend after dating for only 2 weeks??? That is still in the casual dating phase. Casual dating means I can still date/sleep/fuck other people as I please. Casual dating does not mean an exclusive committed relationship.

  8. #8
    nerd of prey hylas's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    fucking around with closeted guys is fine for me, but it will never go any further.

  9. #9
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    How old are they? The advice you give would likely be different if they are 40 than if 18. Also, is the guy new to a gay relationship?
    There are too many unknowns for us to give good advice.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  10. #10
    nf fbt funw glbhuof gmhp SLOPPYSECONDS's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    ask ya lands awsum folk wot make all thangs fit their shoes
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  11. #11
    Hard-up1
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    The closeted guy might be worth saving.

    The out guy should ask him how he intends to come out, and how long it will be until he's ready, and why.

    Then decide.

  12. #12
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    Maybe his company and the sex (even at once every two weeks) is worth keeping it quiet for the time being. How long the wait might be - a month? six months? six years? - probably will be a factor too.

    Lex

  13. #13
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    Grow up. Move on.

  14. #14
    JWaggy
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    I empathize with the closeted guy, I really do. But I've done the closeted life and will never look back--that would include keeping any serious relationship on the down-low. Some people are better than that. Perhaps your friend could be that support that's needed and help him come out of the closet.

    The tough question is, how much of his (your friend) life is he willing to keep secret or lie about--it's as much his relationship as the closeted boyfriend's.

    If it were me, I'd tell the guy how I felt about him and say that he can call me when he's ready to live his life for him.

  15. #15
    JUB Addict loveguys72's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    Two weeks isn't very long. They're still in the getting to know you phase. I'd encourage your friend to have an honest conversation with his bf and find out whether and when he plans on coming out. Depending on the answers, your friend will have some decisions to make.

  16. #16
    Execuvette Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    A relationship with a closeted guy does not work, period. A "relationship" is not some isolated thing that you can sever from the rest of your life. It is a part of a much larger social interaction, and it can't survive without being a part of it. That's why relationships where one or both of the guys is in the closet, is doomed, unless there is a very specific and immediate plan to come out. But if it's just "the way it is", the "for now" is nothing but pretense, and your friend will never be satisfied.

    He should drop the guy if he has any desire for anything more than DL hook ups.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
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  17. #17
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    It wasn't that long ago that most gay relationships were closeted. Times obviously have changed but I'd go along for the ride as long as he has some plan for coming out. Some people need a boyfriend to muster up their courage. There's no "one size fits all" answer.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  18. #18
    Huntneo(PT)
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    Well...your friend can pretty much see what he's getting himself into. He has to decide if this is something he is willing to accept and "deal with" if the guy has no plans of coming out anytime soon.

    Personally, I couldn't and wouldn't do it for long. He would have to ALREADY BE IN THE PROCESS OF COMING OUT.

    While I don't view closeted men as "cowards", it is extremely unattractive to watch someone pretending to be something they're not and/or lying. Instant turnoff.

  19. #19
    JUB Addict FanofFiction's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    Two weeks is not long at all. I was going out with my man for a year and a half before he came out. You can't force people out of the closet, but you shouldn't let them stay in there too long either. Acting too quickly or not as all can be damaging to that person's mind.

  20. #20
    Execuvette Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    Quote Originally Posted by Seasoned View Post
    It wasn't that long ago that most gay relationships were closeted. Times obviously have changed but I'd go along for the ride as long as he has some plan for coming out. Some people need a boyfriend to muster up their courage. There's no "one size fits all" answer.
    With all due respect, the time you're talking about was not safe for anyone to be out, and it was the standard. It isn't anymore, and the social context is dramatically different. The entire mainstream culture supports us and to hide NOW is - to me - criminal.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
    - Gene Wolfe

  21. #21
    radical faerie ixthrock's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    Quote Originally Posted by Rolyo85 View Post
    The entire mainstream culture supports us...
    False. Well, an exaggeration, at least. Maybe the guy plays for the 49ers? Things are a lot different, yes, but I still don't think it's time to fire up the Virginia Slim. ("you've come a long way, baby")

    Westboro Baptist Church hasn't totally imploded because, I believe, they just have the balls to say what a lot of people believe deep down in their hearts. We're still just Amos and Andy - or Prissy and Mammy - to the media.

    Coming out -and not just coming out, but living out - is the most important thing any of us can do. Who gives a fuck if your mom accepts you if it just means your closet's big enough to include her and your bffs. Any guy I date will come to understand how and why I feel this way - to make it easier for frightened guys like him to learn how to make it easier for others.

  22. #22
    JWaggy
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    Quote Originally Posted by Rolyo85 View Post
    With all due respect, the time you're talking about was not safe for anyone to be out, and it was the standard. It isn't anymore, and the social context is dramatically different. The entire mainstream culture supports us and to hide NOW is - to me - criminal.
    Jesus. That kind of militant opinion is criminal.

  23. #23
    Execuvette Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    @ ixthrock - That's why I said "mainstream culture". Society has yet to fully accept us, and I'm aware that it is pretty shitty for LGBTs in many places in the country. But the trend is definitely in our favor and has been for years now.

    @ JWaggy - Nothing militant about it. I believe there are very few legit reasons to stay in the closet. Would I force anyone out? Hell no. But to try and have the cake and eat it from inside, that's just pathetic to me. If people on GRINDR (which is full of closet cases) can say "it's 2013, have a fucking face pic", I think gay guys should be able to fight their fear too, when they want something real out of life.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
    - Gene Wolfe

  24. #24
    Minister of Silly Walks The_Reaper's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    I've been dating by boyfriend for almost four years; he's out to his friends, and I've met one of his four siblings, but I've never met anyone else in his family. It's a bit disappointing after four years, given that he's met my parents and grandparents many times, but I can understand his reasoning. He's not very close with his parents and some of the other siblings, and he feels more like they're friends than family.

    I'm sure he'll tell them incidentally at some point, but for now, he really feels like he doesn't owe it to them to have to come out. And I completely understand, given his family history. If your friend's beau is in the same kind of situation, then I'd support offering support and not pressing the issue. If he doesn't have strong reasons for not letting his family and friends know about himself, then it might be worth advising caution and perhaps seeking a different path.

    I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but I'm afraid my walk has become rather sillier recently...

  25. #25
    JUB Addict LeicsDom's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    Why is it so very important that the guy comes out?
    In the past I have had relationships with closeted guys. OK the public dynamic is different but I have never been into PDA so it made little difference to me

  26. #26
    Hard-up1
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    I question the necessity to label closeted men "criminal" or "pathetic."

    At a time when changes are making it possible for more and more men to come out, we should be welcoming and encouraging rather than shaming and contemptuous. We don't roll up a newspaper and whack a baby on the head and cry "bad baby! BAAD baby!" when one soils his diaper. We teach and encourage and help.

    Every man's community and family and work environments are different. Some live in metropolitan areas where gay numbers are significant enough to give rise to numerous organizations and activities. Others live in more modest cities where gay groups are sparse and haphazard. Still others live either in countries that are repressive, or in rural areas that may as well be the Gay Gobi Desert.

    Urbanites too easily are able to ignore the low, low incidence of homosexuality in the general human population. lf only one in ten is a general statistic, then start doing the math. Subtract a significant number of those if you live away from a big city, because gay men clearly leave rural areas in higher numbers proportionate to others. Then, subtract those not in your age group, as even on JUB, intergenerational dating is put down as queer. Then slice off all the divisions that may make one not socialize with another one sexually: size, personality, ethics, drugs, class, education, diet, race, language, health, politics, work schedules. All that, and the numbers drop down to frightening levels. All that is to be remembered before one even considers whether or not family or community are hostile or not.

    Then tell a gay man to live out so that he MAY find another soul to share his world with. Tell him to give up everything he has now as support and HOPE he can find someone where he is. After he does that, and finds himself a guy and it doesn't work out, but he has walked away from all else, tell him it was all worth it because he made a stand. He's totally alone, but he made a stand.

    No, I'm not against coming out, but stop reducing it to a three easy step process. It's a lot more than that, and a lot of people do it in different ways and subject to a number of factors. Expect out to be the goal, but start with the world as it is, not as it should be.
    Last edited by Hard-up1; February 2nd, 2013 at 05:13 AM.

  27. #27

    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    Quote Originally Posted by Rolyo85 View Post
    . . . . . If people on GRINDR (which is full of closet cases) can say "it's 2013, have a fucking face pic", I think gay guys should be able to fight their fear too, when they want something real out of life.
    ? ? ? ? ?

    Please tell me that you are not suggesting that all gay men should live by the rules of a handful of whores on a hookup site.


    Actually, I have no idea what you’re trying to say with that line.

  28. #28
    Huntneo(PT)
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    Well, it's a given that everyone has their own coming out "journey". Some guys do it in their teens, some in their 20-30, some in their 60s, and then there are some that never do. others choose to "come out" only to certain people. That's their prerogative.

    But they can not expect gay men that are already past that stage of life to step in and out of the closet just to maintain a relationship with them.

  29. #29
    Hard-up1
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    Quote Originally Posted by Huntneo(PT) View Post
    But they can not expect gay men that are already past that stage of life to step in and out of the closet just to maintain a relationship with them.
    True. If you've been thrown a life ring, the idea is to take hold of it.

  30. #30
    JUB Addict FanofFiction's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    I remember it being really difficult and hurtful when I was introduced as his "friend" to everyone. It sucked. I was pushed back into the closet whenever we were around my man's friends/family. I could handle it really easy at first, but after 6 months it just felt ridiculous. But I loved him and saw it through. Now he is out and proud! Everyone comes out in their own time... but sometimes they do need a GENTLE push. It's worth the wait when they do come out.

  31. #31
    Is the King of JUB Beachguyj's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    It it's a good guy which is very hard to find I would say accept the situation. As long as the 2 of you know you are dating what does it matter what everyone else has to know about it.
    In his autumn, before the winter, comes man's last mad surge of youth

  32. #32
    JUB Addict Audio Tech's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    Quote Originally Posted by FanofFiction View Post
    I remember it being really difficult and hurtful when I was introduced as his "friend" to everyone. It sucked. I was pushed back into the closet whenever we were around my man's friends/family. I could handle it really easy at first, but after 6 months it just felt ridiculous. But I loved him and saw it through. Now he is out and proud! Everyone comes out in their own time... but sometimes they do need a GENTLE push. It's worth the wait when they do come out.
    I wish I had met someone much earlier that was willing to give ME that gentle push. But I didn't.
    Knowing that, I'm perfectly willing to give someone else that time and support. But.... not indefinitely.

  33. #33
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    If you respect someones right to come out and be proud then you also respect their right to stay in the closet.

    who knows why? he probably does not know why.

    stand back and nudge him out a little bit at a time.




  34. #34
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovejstrokesdonk View Post
    What would you do if you were dating this guy for about two weeks or so, you guys only had sex once since dating, and you think everything is good until you and the guy run into some of his friends, and he introduces you as his bro (friend/buddy). Then when you ask him what's up with him introducing you as just a friend to his friends, he tells you that he hasn't come out to any of his family, friends, & associates yet…then he tells you he really like you and everything, and he wants to keep seeing you but could you guys relationship be a secret for now….. Would you break up with him? What would you do?
    hi ilovejstrokesdonk,

    I lwould like to advise to your friend that he should not worry about PDA in public. People are different, and that's also the case for PDA in public situations, and it has nothing to do with being gay or straight.

    I tend to think that, sooner or later, it will become obvious that X (the closet case) is spending alot of time with his new friend (Y), and that Y is gay guy. This will especially be the case when Y (your friend) is not hiding that he is gay / pretending that he likes girls (etc.). Y can also introduce X to his friends / family, etc. Why not? In my opinion, people around X will find out / get some clues, as its right now not anymore 1965 (or so), but 2013.

    See how things are developing each other. Maybe X just needs some extra time to open the door of his closet. On the other hand, having a boyfriend can also be a way to open the door (even without telling people), as, sooner or later, it will become obvious that X and Y are a couple.

    Good luck, and feel free to react.
    I am Dutch, so please excuse me for my low level of English.

  35. #35
    TheSpectatingLoner
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    How do you even date someone without knowing this info beforehand?

  36. #36
    JUB Addict voyager1994's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    It's only been two weeks, it's not yet time to have one of those serious talk about relationships. Tell your friend to just enjoy the dating and sex for now, and get to know each other better.

  37. #37
    JUB Addict Ninja108's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    It's only a couple of weeks. Give it time before you make a choice.

  38. #38
    nerd of prey hylas's Avatar
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    i think its legitimate for people to stay in the closet, for a number of reasons. perhaps they are still young, and financially dependant on their homophobic parents. perhaps they live in rural areas, or conservative countries. perhaps they have a very conservative cultural background. or perhaps theyre on the brink of coming out - not just talking about it and procrastinating, but actually working on it - and they just need a little more time. so really, i wouldnt judge closteted men in a generalized way.

    however, i normally wouldnt date a closeted man, for my own reasons. it would put me halfway back into the closet myself, and thats not a compromise im willing to make. it also means that id be with somebody whod rather give in to social pressures than stand by me, and thats kind of a big deal. and closeted men are usually insecure, inexperienced, and immature... not "boyfriend material".

  39. #39
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    Re: What Would You Do If You Were Experiencing This Difficult Situation Involving Closeted Homosexually?

    Quote Originally Posted by voyager1994 View Post
    It's only been two weeks, it's not yet time to have one of those serious talk about relationships. Tell your friend to just enjoy the dating and sex for now, and get to know each other better.
    ^^^^^ This is a very good advise. Maybe the closeted guy will change his opinion when he will experience that open gay guys (like you friend) are relaxed people who don't need to fear / hide about their real identity.
    I am Dutch, so please excuse me for my low level of English.

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