For the second time, I have found myself back home (with my parents & brother) in order to have a few months of work. I enjoy the job, after all I did it last year, and my coworkers are a hoot to work with as well (it helps that my direct boss has been a friend since elementary school).
In spite of this, I see myself staring down the barrel of six months here and it is getting to me. That's five months away from my boyfriend of four years; that's missing another Valentine's Day and Anniversary, as I did last year. That's me, being barged up in my teenage bedroom and not having the creature comforts of living independently from the nest.
It's a 3 and 1/2 hour drive back home, and even knowing that I will make monthly trips up to see the b/f, something just still isn't sitting right with me. Perhaps it is the worry that like last year, this brief (but enjoyable) experience will fail to produce results into shifting into a career when I return to my city. Or perhaps it's the crushing realization of all that I will be missing over this five month period, not to mention the sacrifice of some of my own beloved personal freedoms (I love my family, but I value being able to sit ALONE without someone calling on me or checking to see what I'm up to every few hours).
As I lay here in bed, I see the next five months of my life, and I'm not entirely happy with it. I know that some of my own choices have led me to this place, and I don't begrudge the decisions I've made, but I can't help but feel a sense of permanency lingering in the air. I suppose I'm worried that five months here, will expand much further than that and leave me wondering just where the hell it all went so wrong.
One of my faults has always been a bit of pride; so being back in the family nest, and the worry of it becoming longer than just temporary, is really doing a number on me and making me feel a bit of a failure. Last year when I took this route, it was supposed to be the path that led me to a place I want to be. Now, I'm worried that it is the beginning of the path that leads me astray and winds up taking me to a place I don't want to go.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to gain by posting this, as I'm sure there are people here on the site who are in worse situations than I; perhaps I'm mostly hoping for some form of catharsis by putting the words down to the virtual paper. Either way, if you've read through all of this, thank you. If you've simply skipped to the end, well that works too.
I have little doubt that this feeling will pass; I just hope it doesn't ultimatelty turn out to be right.