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  1. #1
    Minister of Silly Walks The_Reaper's Avatar
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    Feeling a Little Disheartened

    For the second time, I have found myself back home (with my parents & brother) in order to have a few months of work. I enjoy the job, after all I did it last year, and my coworkers are a hoot to work with as well (it helps that my direct boss has been a friend since elementary school).

    In spite of this, I see myself staring down the barrel of six months here and it is getting to me. That's five months away from my boyfriend of four years; that's missing another Valentine's Day and Anniversary, as I did last year. That's me, being barged up in my teenage bedroom and not having the creature comforts of living independently from the nest.

    It's a 3 and 1/2 hour drive back home, and even knowing that I will make monthly trips up to see the b/f, something just still isn't sitting right with me. Perhaps it is the worry that like last year, this brief (but enjoyable) experience will fail to produce results into shifting into a career when I return to my city. Or perhaps it's the crushing realization of all that I will be missing over this five month period, not to mention the sacrifice of some of my own beloved personal freedoms (I love my family, but I value being able to sit ALONE without someone calling on me or checking to see what I'm up to every few hours).

    As I lay here in bed, I see the next five months of my life, and I'm not entirely happy with it. I know that some of my own choices have led me to this place, and I don't begrudge the decisions I've made, but I can't help but feel a sense of permanency lingering in the air. I suppose I'm worried that five months here, will expand much further than that and leave me wondering just where the hell it all went so wrong.

    One of my faults has always been a bit of pride; so being back in the family nest, and the worry of it becoming longer than just temporary, is really doing a number on me and making me feel a bit of a failure. Last year when I took this route, it was supposed to be the path that led me to a place I want to be. Now, I'm worried that it is the beginning of the path that leads me astray and winds up taking me to a place I don't want to go.

    I'm not sure what I'm hoping to gain by posting this, as I'm sure there are people here on the site who are in worse situations than I; perhaps I'm mostly hoping for some form of catharsis by putting the words down to the virtual paper. Either way, if you've read through all of this, thank you. If you've simply skipped to the end, well that works too.

    I have little doubt that this feeling will pass; I just hope it doesn't ultimatelty turn out to be right.

    I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but I'm afraid my walk has become rather sillier recently...

  2. #2
    veni, vidi, reliqui
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    Re: Feeling a Little Disheartened

    It only turns out to be right if you allow it.

    As I read it....you actually are regretting some of the decisions that have led you to this place.

    Well, you are going to have to be the one who does the heavy lifting to change that...no one else can.

    You need to use these next six months to put extra effort into the future, not the past.

    As far as the 3 and a half hour trip? Get ready to drive if you really miss your bf. Including doing something special for Valentine's Day.

  3. #3
    Hard-up1
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    Re: Feeling a Little Disheartened

    It's the wee hours, that's the cause of this. The point of it is still another thing.

    You are sharing an array of ills.

    One, you need to ask your family to help you with your adjustment. Just explain, one on one, with each household member that you are a bit more solitary now that you aren't a kid at home any more. Just tell them you need more time alone and peace now that you are an adult and have to decompress from work and collect yourself. It becomes about you then and not about them, so it is less likely to come across as "you get on my nerves!"

    Two, you describe your room as a cell. That indicates you are treating it like one. Learn to go to some other place to either find an activity or a friend to spend time with, or to be alone. You won't have cabin fever if you don't stay in the cabin.

    Three, your sensitivity to the long-term is what should be the fuel to make Plan C happen. Whatever Plan A was seems to have tanked. You are lucky to have Plan B working right now as opposed to those guys simply out of work. Spend some of that time alone taking an online course, job searching, or planning your new career or location.

    Finally, why is your connection with your boyfriend once a month? What is his circumstance. Why is he unwilling to come see you? If both of you took the initiative, a visit every two weeks takes a lot less waiting, yet only one of you must take travel time.

  4. #4
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: Feeling a Little Disheartened

    ^ Great advice.

    Talk to your boyfriend of 4 years to come visit you once a month. You go visit him once a month. That way, you both get to see each other every other weekend. After 4 years invested in this relationship, why is he not volunteering to come see you?

    Don't let the past dictate your future. Take control of your own life.
    1. Know what you want in life
    2. Set goals -- short and long term goals (3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 2 years)
    3. Develop plans to achieve your goals
    4. Act on those plans
    5. Use this temporary situation as a stepping stone to a better future...instead of seeing this as your permanent solution that weighs you down. If you know you are working toward your long term goals, your current situation would not seem so bad.


    If you don't have an exit strategy, you will be stuck.

  5. #5
    Hard-up1
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    Re: Feeling a Little Disheartened

    OP, can you update?

  6. #6
    Minister of Silly Walks The_Reaper's Avatar
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    Re: Feeling a Little Disheartened

    Sorry about the wait; as for the questions about my b/f. He's as student, as well as a leader of his program's study group and VP of their student association, so school tends to take up a great amount of his time. He's also unemployed, due to his studies, and lacks a vehicle of his own, so he doesn't have the availability to just hop into a car and drive down to see me. As such, me going up to see him is really the only way we get to see each other while I'm down here. It's also slightly complicated by the fact that he lives with his parents for the moment, who he hasn't come out to (due to some rather justified personal reasons), so sneaking away for large periods of time raises some questions. Last year, when he wasn't at home with them, he came down for all of Reading Week/Spring Break, but he doesn't know if he can do that again this year due to his living circumstances.

    There's some good advice, but I live in a small (by Saskatchewan standards) town of 16,000 people. The bulk of whom are over the age of 50, and things close down pretty early here (it's the kind of place where nearly nothing is open on a Sunday, and the mall has nearly as many empty stalls as actual stores). Our cinema even has the occasional projection fire...Getting out of the house is a sound idea, but finding things to do (especially when my two friends in town, one of whom works with me, are unable/unwilling to do something) becomes pretty tough given the limited number of options.

    And make no mistake, I'm the kind of guy who plans up the wazoo...the only problem is that all of my best laid plans have managed to unravel themselves with much aplomb. More schooling is tempting; but it means more debt, and I did some upgrading a year ago to try and get into either a Masters or Education program, and both of those plans fell flat. Even something as simple as getting an office certificate or so forth is complicated by the fact that our provincial trades/skills colleges don't offer an office program in or near where I live, or even where I am now.

    So, some options are just clearly off the table before we can even start. I hate to sound defeatist, but I do also have to be realistic. The only real option is to put in my time, and hope that it leads to something back in MY city, though that wasn't too successful last time. Barring that, who knows what the next step should be.

    I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but I'm afraid my walk has become rather sillier recently...

  7. #7
    Hard-up1
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    Re: Feeling a Little Disheartened

    Things may not happen at the rate you want them to, but you are still driving. We are not adrift in currents we cannot overcome.

    It will come down to priorities.

    Perhaps it means returning to the city where you work at some employment less than you had planned until you can get a leg up.

    Maybe it means taking on a second and probably lame job where you are so you can afford to get to your boyfriend twice a month or more.

    And, it may be that you have to make some more friends locally so you don't just have two options after work.

    Is there just no way at all you two cannot sometimes meet half way? Your very connected and social boyfriend (nor you) have any friends you could borrow a car from for one day a month? Think hard.

    Could be that you could use some of the money you are making to get a beater, a bike, or some other transportation option (bus ticket) for your boyfriend. If this is a relationship, he's going to be interested in doing whatever it takes, not just giving up to monthly conjugal visits to your prison cell.

    Of course, the extremes are there, too. You may have to kiss your boyfriend goodbye if it is more pain than it is worth.

    I'd keep looking at what is possible, rather than what is not. To just hope it changes is to fall into the doldrums of stagnation that you fear. Whatever it is, it is likely to be harder than you have imagined, but worth it. Try to set a goal so you can have that to pull you through the extra work this is going to require.

    Whatever you choose, keep telling yourself that the room at your parents' home is NOT an option. That is the slow death of your dreams.
    Last edited by Hard-up1; February 4th, 2013 at 07:01 AM.

  8. #8
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    Re: Feeling a Little Disheartened

    Poor OP.

    It didn't end well for me last time I did what you are doing.

    Just buckle up, clench your teeth, and should you happen to accidentally get in an argument with any short-term Slavic immigrants who want to beat you up, do tell them Harke the Boeotarch sends his regards.

  9. #9
    Is the King of JUB Beachguyj's Avatar
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    Re: Feeling a Little Disheartened

    Be grateful you have a place to stay. I live with my parents until I was 29. It was my goal to move out before 30 and I was lucky that I never had to move back, but my parents always told me that if I needed a place their home was always open to me. I liked living with them, they were like really cool roommates who cooked and did your laundry for you, and they didn't want me to leave, but I'm sure they were glad that I made my own way in the world.
    In his autumn, before the winter, comes man's last mad surge of youth

  10. #10
    Minister of Silly Walks The_Reaper's Avatar
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    Re: Feeling a Little Disheartened

    I just want to clarify one thing; I'm not feeling disheartened with my boyfriend, just having to come back home again. We could be 34 hours apart and still be solid as a couple, so I'm not worried about the distance straining us, I just miss spending time with him.

    I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but I'm afraid my walk has become rather sillier recently...

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