Am I a bad brother?

[gsdx]

A little background:

My oldest brother is almost 70 now. When I was still in high school, he was in the Canadian army. He was always a 'tough guy' and a heavy smoker and heavier drinker. One Christmas Day, he got into a fight with my father, picked him up, and dropped him to the floor on his back. My father was a big man, but my brother was army trained. It took my other 3 older brothers and a brother-in-law to pull my eldest brother off Dad.

I was terrified for Dad and was crying. By brother actually broke free and came after me, picking me up easily and slamming me against the wall. He held me there with one hand while the other fist reared back, ready to smash my face in. My brothers came to me rescue and wrestled HIM to the floor. I don't remember anything after that. Selective amnesia, perhaps.

I was never close to my brother, and we were even less close after that. The only time he purposefully phoned me was to tell me that my father had died. That was 31 years ago. The last time I saw him and talked to him was almost 10 years ago at my mother's funeral.

We. . . 'tolerated' each other for our mother's sake. Not much more than that. We're brothers, but I wouldn't even consider us 'friends'. I don't hate him or anything. I just don't love him the way I should. I don't even like him the way I should. I'm quite certain the feelings are mutual.

Today I found out through my younger sister that he has been diagnosed with lung cancer. I'm not upset and I'm not saddened by the news. The fact that I'm not bothers me more than the news itself.

Does that make me a bad brother?

[sixthson]

We choose our friends. We can't choose our families. Just because we may be blood related is no guarantee of a heart connection.

Don't feel bad about how you feel. Would you see him if he wanted that from you?

[PreTTy PeTe]

No you're not a bad brother but totally human.

[CowboyBob]

NO! You are not a bad brother. Look at your brother as a person and not blood. Would you want to associate with a person like that?

I have a basket case of a brother too that I have nothing to do with.

[Telstra]

A little background:

My oldest brother is almost 70 now. When I was still in high school, he was in the Canadian army. He was always a 'tough guy' and a heavy smoker and heavier drinker. One Christmas Day, he got into a fight with my father, picked him up, and dropped him to the floor on his back. My father was a big man, but my brother was army trained. It took my other 3 older brothers and a brother-in-law to pull my eldest brother off Dad.

I was terrified for Dad and was crying. By brother actually broke free and came after me, picking me up easily and slamming me against the wall. He held me there with one hand while the other fist reared back, ready to smash my face in. My brothers came to me rescue and wrestled HIM to the floor. I don't remember anything after that. Selective amnesia, perhaps.

I was never close to my brother, and we were even less close after that. The only time he purposefully phoned me was to tell me that my father had died. That was 31 years ago. The last time I saw him and talked to him was almost 10 years ago at my mother's funeral.

We. . . 'tolerated' each other for our mother's sake. Not much more than that. We're brothers, but I wouldn't even consider us 'friends'. I don't hate him or anything. I just don't love him the way I should. I don't even like him the way I should. I'm quite certain the feelings are mutual.

Today I found out through my younger sister that he has been diagnosed with lung cancer. I'm not upset and I'm not saddened by the news. The fact that I'm not bothers me more than the news itself.

Does that make me a bad brother?

No, you are not a bad brother.
You and him are strangers like. Nothing in common really.

You've heard people in the news diagnosed with lung cancer all the time.
How do you feel with those those people ? Same as your brother's news.

Also, at that age, any illness is expected.

[G-Lexington]

Family is as family does. And I don't see a family member here. Just some guy with anger issues who decided he didn't want you in his life. And now you're not.

Lex

[gsdx]

Would you see him if he wanted that from you?

If it was just to visit, probably not. If he really wanted to see me, though, I would probably make the effort.

[ixthrock]

I just don't love him the way I should. I don't even like him the way I should.

And who is it exactly setting those standards?

Out of curiosity, who have you had an easier time forgiving, him or yourself? That's a question that comes to me, at times, is why I ask.

I've a brother I'm not close with. He lives about fifteen miles away, across the dirt road from our oldest brother; they haven't spoken in months either. No out-and-out animosity, just no familial closeness. IiwiI. Some of the guys from the gaybar see him weekly @work, and, at this point, may know him better than I. It's weird. I'm hoping, as morbid as it sounds, that after we go through the loss-of-parent ordeal, we'll become closer. I don't want for one of us to die while our relationship is like this, but it really takes two people. On his 50th birthday, I sent him a framed photograph of the two of us asleep in the same bed when we were kids. I still haven't gotten an invitation to my niece's wedding.

[palbert]

I cannot fault you. I would feel and act similarly. My sister is under orders not to tell any other family -- close or remote -- anything about me.

[Telstra]

And who is it exactly setting those standards?

Out of curiosity, who have you had an easier time forgiving, him or yourself? That's a question that comes to me, at times, is why I ask.

I've a brother I'm not close with. He lives about fifteen miles away, across the dirt road from our oldest brother; they haven't spoken in months either. No out-and-out animosity, just no familial closeness. IiwiI. Some of the guys from the gaybar see him weekly @work, and, at this point, may know him better than I. It's weird. I'm hoping, as morbid as it sounds, that after we go through the loss-of-parent ordeal, we'll become closer. I don't want for one of us to die while our relationship is like this, but it really takes two people. On his 50th birthday, I sent him a framed photograph of the two of us asleep in the same bed when we were kids. I still haven't gotten an invitation to my niece's wedding.

Do you really want to go to the wedding? A room full of strangers.
I don't.

[MisterB]

Your heartfelt post has really struck a nerve with me. I hope I'm not out of line by adding my 2cents.

So, no, you did nothing wrong based on what you've described.

As the poster above said, just because you are blood related doesn't mean a thing. I know this first hand. Being Polyannaish at times, it took me until my father got sick to see just who my two older brothers really were.

And just because you are blood related does it mean you have to tolerate/excuse everything relatives do/have done. However, I've learned to forgive so as to free myself; it doesn't mean I forgot though.

Most people remember what they've done. Most people have a conscience. Perhaps he would benefit from a visit from you.

That you are so conflicted about your feelings and wonder why tells me you are a good person and might just benefit from visiting him; if for no other reason than to achieve some type of closure so as to not have any "what ifs".

Again, just my experience. Your mileage may vary...

[gsdx]

That you are so conflicted about your feelings and wonder why tells me you are a good person and might just benefit from visiting him; if for no other reason than to achieve some type of closure so as to not have any "what ifs".

The event I recounted above happened back in the 60s. He never apologised for what he did. It's doubtful that he even remembered doing it. He was rather drunk at the time, and forgiving a drunk is more-or-less telling him that it's okay for him to get drunk enough to fight his own father and youngest brother.

We're not enemies and haven't been for many decades, but we're certainly not friends.

[JP.]

I have aunt that I really hate. But when I know she's sick, I dont hate her anymore. Do you know that kind of sickness paid all his bad dues already? You dont have to adding more salt to his wound, he's already in his due. I hope you dont plan even with the smallest revenge, that could come back to you in your check.

I guess you're in numb-mode, if you're immobile to him, nobody can force you to warm up, isn't?

[MisterB]

I sensed you were conficted/ambivalent with your feelings. Hence, I was only suggesting based on my experience, so I apologize if I went too far.

I understand that only you know what you can/cannot do in this situation.

I wish you the best, whatever you decide.

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Maybe you should tell him you are still not over what happened?

[gsdx]

Do you know that kind of sickness paid all his bad dues already? You dont have to adding more salt to his wound, he's already in his due.

I have been disabled for 27 years. He's never once called to see how I'm doing. His illness is self-inflicted. He was told years ago to quit smoking. His cancer isn't a 'Paid In Full' thing.

I hope you dont plan even with the smallest revenge, that could come back to you in your check.

Maybe it's because English is not your first language, but I'm appalled that you would even think such a thing. I've already said above that I don't hate him. I don't even hate him for what he did to me 50 years ago. I hate the alcohol. Not him. I just don't like him the way brothers are supposed to.

[racer2438]

Your not not..... but you should tell him how you feel and how this has made feel through out all these yrs.....at least make peace w/him and then let it go..if he responds fine--if not at least you cleared the air.

to carry these hard feelings this long is not healthy and in the end you will feel even more happier than b4..

[ixthrock]

...I just don't like him the way brothers are supposed to.

and again - who sets these standards?

A girlfriend of mine and her three siblings are very close; three of the four live in and around town. Their mother must have been an extraordinary individual; I know my girlfriend misses her terribly and keeps up her grave. She and her local siblings take holiday meals together and have many friends in common that have remained so from childhood.

I could envy them; I suppose at times I do. Our mother is difficult; she's the primary reason my one brother dares not socialize with us. But that's us - we're not the norm, but neither is my girlfriend's family. One of my sisters told me once that she envies her co-workers' shopping trips with their mothers, which exemplify, to her, the way mother-daughter relationships should work.

IF you feel you are not appropriately discharging familial obligations, you may take steps now to forestall future regret, but YOU are the only appropriate judge, here. Every family is different. Every individual is different. Sometimes, life hurts no matter what you do. But the only Gold Metric Standard of the way you are supposed to treat your brother is set by you.

There's no reason to beat yourself up for your failing to meet some pie-in-the-sky, wish-in-one-hand situation-ally inappropriate ideal.

[maxpowr9]

My brother and I have always gone through streaks of being chums and pretending we didn't exist. We are moving out of the no talking phase and back to chums. Most of that was because of a conversation I had with his wife about how one of her sisters is a terrible influence on him and she finally caught on to that when she came home from work one day and they were both passed out already which leads to her own familial conflict.

We are polar opposites which we have come to accept.

[AshyPhoenix]

No, you aren't. Your brother is a heartless bastard who couldn't care less about you and your family; why should you? You're not the problem. Your brother's attitude is.

[cockbrain]

Thanks for posting this as it sounds very much like how I respond to news about any one of my bros...that is with indifference. They were all violent to me; their ridicule was worst in some ways. I still talk to them but only in the ways that you have mentioned: To relay news(usually bad news). I don't think that I'm a bad brother, I think that they're bad brothers. So, as you have said, when anything good or bad happens I have no real reaction. I too have wondered if I'm missing something as my response is truly dispassionate.

[bankside]

I don't know why you'd give it a second thought. Family members can make themselves strangers to you; that is his life story.

[gsdx]

at least make peace w/him and then let it go..

Perhaps I didn't write what I was thinking. We are not at 'un'-peace. We are not enemies. We are very civil with each other when we are in the same room with each other. I went to visit him quite often when my mother was still alive. We were never at odds. There were no harsh words. But, if it hadn't been for Mom, I would never travelled that far to visit him. As I said, he's never come to visit me, nor has he ever phoned me except to tell me that Dad had died.

I don't hate him. I don't even dislike him. There are no wounds to mend. I would never have wished he would get cancer. I simply don't feel upset that he got it. It just seemed very unbrotherly of me.

[ixthrock]

I don't hate him. I don't even dislike him. There are no wounds to mend. I would never have wished he would get cancer. I simply don't feel upset that he got it. It just seemed very unbrotherly of me.

Ahh, that clarifies things a little. One of the side effects of aging seems a little more resilience to life's emotional tides. We can be thankful in our forties that we are not as dramatic and superficially angst-ridden as those in their teens and twenties.

You mentioned he's 70, and has been a heavy smoker (and otherwise abused his body.) Perhaps it's more a function of age (yours and his) and expectations (no-one here gets out alive) than any lack of compassion.

You really have never seemed the heartless type to me.

[Benvolio]

If you feel bad now for not being sad, you may later regret not having said good bye to him.i think you should make the effort.

[zanadu]

You can send him private thoughts of healing and affection if not love. Sent with the right intention they will be amazingly powerful and perhaps this will serve to be the bridge to reunite you with one another and if not an understanding; an acceptance of each other and each other's differences. The world would be pretty boring if everyone was the same!
Take care.

[loveguys72]

You're not a bad brother. Like you said, you don't hate the man, you're simply indifferent to him. The mere fact you share a common parentage is mildly interesting but completely irrelevant. Basically, you've learned a distant acqaintance has a serious illness and you're experiencing the proper emotion: vague general regret. And really, that's all anyone could expect you to feel, yourself included.

[freefall]

I don't know why you have to feel anything just because someone's your family.
When you don't have the connection or anything memorable, it just don't. No use of bothering it.
It's humane not to feel someone, even when it's shocking.
It's a different story if you're happy for your brother having the condition.

I remembered attending my grandfather's funeral when I was 4. Everyone cried, including his grandchildren, including my siblings, who never actually knew him. I didn't. I remembered standing alone, watching all the people sobbed, feeling confused, and trying to cry without success. And my parents' relatives pointed at me and whispered to each other, apparently surprised, not in a good way, about me not shedding any tears. It bothered me quite a while until when my other grandfather died and I brought the topic up to my parents and they told me there was nothing to worry about since I don't know him well.

[Telstra]

well, post 1 is an honest letter.
Maybe send him a get well card with a post1 letter for him to read. It won't do any harm for letting him know post1.

[yhtang]

No, you are not a bad brother. In fact, I would even classify you as a good brother - you both do not get along, and have kept out of each others' hair, thereby keeping (relative) peace in the family.

Since you do not have much feeling for him - and I presume vice versa, since he has not contacted you much - I feel it is perfectly acceptable that your lives as totally separate entities, blood not withstanding.

I do not get along well with one of my siblings, and we rather tolerate each others' existence. Once my folks are gone, I would not have to bear with this pretense any longer - I'll go my way and do what I like. I am Chinese, and to the Chinese, family is the lifeline - but I don't care. I do my things my way.

I suppose if your brother wants to see you - perhaps for the last time - now that he has lung cancer and all, you may need to decide it you wish to see him. I read other people post of "forgiveness" etc., I do not subscribe to that. Since the two of you are, de facto, unrelated, his dying would not be unlike the many other people whom you do not know who die everyday in this world.

So perhaps the question is what would you achieve from the meeting? I would not ask what he would achieve from the meeting - that is not the point; he had not deemed it necessary to want to meet you before, so at the very most, the meeting would be to satisfy him.

In the past, I have received news of the death of some of my relatives. I cried tears of joy and I did not feel the slightest bit guilty because I did not like them. I know your circumstances with your brother is not the same, so this may not be applicable. My point is that, if he goes, he goes, and you do not need to feel guilty or feel bad.

[ronboy]

Neil, I am just coming to this thread now.
I'll keep it short and sweet...

You are not a bad brother.
It is not a terrible thing to feel lack of empathy for him, considering his past treatment of you.
If you feel the need to reach out, do it. If you don't that's fine too.

[Sausy]

Neil, I am just coming to this thread now.
I'll keep it short and sweet...

You are not a bad brother.
It is not a terrible thing to feel lack of empathy for him, considering his past treatment of you.
If you feel the need to reach out, do it. If you don't that's fine too.

Couldn't have said it better than Ron so I'll quote it!

[Rolyo85]

Love - every kind of love - respect, sympathy and even liking someone are things to be earned. Being family usually creates bonds from early age that enable those feelings to flourish, but they are by no means a necessity or anyone's "duty" in a family. Your brother was never anything to you but a vague unfriendly threat. He can rot, for all you should care. You're not burdening yourself with negative feelings for him, and that is good. But don't feel guilt for not having any positive ones either.

[Hard-up1]

It is a paradox, but yes, by general standards you are a bad brother, and he to you, as we idealize family roles, and the starting assumption is that immediate family is there for you and supportive. By that standard, neither of you are good brothers to the other.
But, as others have already posted, that is not a thing to feel guilt over. The relationship was smothered by mutual consent three decades ago.

I am the middle of five children, and I've never had much in common with any of my siblings. My three nearest in age siblings get along enough, and we gather for holidays sometimes. I also have a brother 14 years younger than me. We never lived around one another after he was a year old. His life is such a mess, and always has been. I stopped having anything to do with him over six years ago. There is no animus, just nothing.

So, I agree with your position. I'd go see him if he asked, but not otherwise. The relationship died decades ago. So be it.

[-Callum-]

Well, to loosely quote Angelina Jolie..."I don't believe that blood is family. It must be earned."

[star-warrior]

I agree with some of the guys above. The expectation that you have to be on very loving terms with your own family is a quaint one. No doubt somewhere bad blood runs up and down the generations rather than just laterally amongst siblings.

You can no more feel bad for your brother because of lung cancer than if he had bad oral hygiene that lead to heart problems.

Despite his past, he probably has a wife and offspring. If the inevitable eventually happens, all you can do as family is console them as only a family can.

[voyager1994]

Have you forgiven him for what he did to you and to your father? Perhaps you'd feel sorry for him to hear the news. Please don't take my question the wrong way - I'd probably feel the same way if that happened to me.

I don't think you're a bad brother given what has happened between the two of you.

[rareboy]

A little background:

My oldest brother is almost 70 now. When I was still in high school, he was in the Canadian army. He was always a 'tough guy' and a heavy smoker and heavier drinker. One Christmas Day, he got into a fight with my father, picked him up, and dropped him to the floor on his back. My father was a big man, but my brother was army trained. It took my other 3 older brothers and a brother-in-law to pull my eldest brother off Dad.

I was terrified for Dad and was crying. By brother actually broke free and came after me, picking me up easily and slamming me against the wall. He held me there with one hand while the other fist reared back, ready to smash my face in. My brothers came to me rescue and wrestled HIM to the floor. I don't remember anything after that. Selective amnesia, perhaps.

I was never close to my brother, and we were even less close after that. The only time he purposefully phoned me was to tell me that my father had died. That was 31 years ago. The last time I saw him and talked to him was almost 10 years ago at my mother's funeral.

We. . . 'tolerated' each other for our mother's sake. Not much more than that. We're brothers, but I wouldn't even consider us 'friends'. I don't hate him or anything. I just don't love him the way I should. I don't even like him the way I should. I'm quite certain the feelings are mutual.

Today I found out through my younger sister that he has been diagnosed with lung cancer. I'm not upset and I'm not saddened by the news. The fact that I'm not bothers me more than the news itself.

Does that make me a bad brother?

Nope.

Just because he was a product of the same parents doesn't mean much.

I probably would feel exactly the same from what you tell us about him.

The other thing is that we reach a point in our lives when the inevitability of disease and death becomes a given and our responses are generally more fatalistic. Since you have not shared any part of your life with him for years, I think it would be really unusual if you did have an overly emotional response to the news.

[MattClaimer]

No, you're not a bad brother, or a bad person.

He chose his path.

If you want to look at it from another angle, it works both ways - has he attempted to meet with you, call you, talk to you, reconcile with you, say I'M SORRY? No. He hasn't. Do you owe him anything? Not really.

Then so be it.

If he calls you and asks for help, then be the better person and help him. But otherwise, I'd let it go.

You get back what you give in life, and he gave, violently and hatefully, for whatever reasons. His choices.

I can't say I would feel any differently than you do right now. Not at all. Don't let it consume you. You're not the bad guy here.

[coyotewileye]

Hi gsdx,

I'm a fairly avid reader here, but not really a poster. The reason I'm replying to your post is not because I'm in a similar situation as you, but I do have a brother who I don't bond as much with as I would like. So take this as my two cents as a stranger.

When I read your post wandering whether you are a bad brother or not, I can't help but feel you may have unanswered questions as to why or how you and your brother grew apart. If you could go back thirty years in time, knowing what you know now, would you have handled your relationship with your brother differently? If the answer is no, then you should find a way to close the book and be confident that there will be no "what if's" come back to hound you should your brother pass away sooner rather than later.

However, if the answer is yes, I would suggest considering whether or not it is worth writing your brother a letter/e-mail with the things that are on your mind. If I understand you correctly, you and your brother haven't talked in about fourty years. Smalltalk perhaps, but not really talked. Do you know how your brother feels about your relationship? Perhaps he is even a bit regretful about not being a closer brother.

I'm not saying you should feel like you're a bad brother. I don't think you are. But I would suggest you to at least ask yourself if you have any unanswered question that you would like answered.

[holeconfusion]

I agree with what everyone wrote so far...you are not a bad brother.

One thing you have to figure out: Will you regret it after he is gone if you don't make contact?

[Coward92]

Look, it is not your fault that things happened the way they did.
You have never done anything to cause this situation, and when you needed to stay at his side, you did.
You have never crossed him, or stabbed him in the back.

You are a good person, congratulations.
You have no feelings for him, so you were not obliged to be a "better brother" than you already were.
You just treated him with the natural respect and behaviour. If you didn't specifically screwed him in any ways, you shouldn't feel any gulit.

Kiss.

[Ontariobear]

You are not a bad brother. I know your location but you didn't mention where he lives and in Canada geography can always be a deciding factor.

That being said, hubby has an idiot brother who will be disowned once we complete settling everything from their Mom's estate.

[gsdx]

You are not a bad brother. I know your location but you didn't mention where he lives and in Canada geography can always be a deciding factor.

Except for one older sister who lives in Nova Scotia and one brother who lives just west of you at the bottom of Lake Huron, the rest of my siblings (3 boys and 1 girl) live south of me on the shores of Lake Ontario.

[unknownme]

You're the only one who can really answer your own question. You've presented us with only the bad side of your brother based on one incident alone. Has he ever done something good? Has there ever been a time when you feel that he cares about you? Do you agree that it takes two for a relationship to work?

I think that at this point in your brother's life, it is time for old wounds to heal. It is hard to forgive but it is harder to have regrets later on. Sure, you may not hate him, but would it be fair to call yourself a good brother if there was also no effort on your part to try to connect with him even though there's animosity between the two of you. See, true love is unconditional; it is only when you're able to love the person and all he has to offer--good and bad--that you can truly express unconditional love. If he didn't do his part, you certainly can do yours. Wouldn't it be great for your brother to realize that in spite of all the pain that he may have caused you that you are still there to remind him of his mistakes so he can become a better person. Wouldn't it be the greatest gift to love someone without expecting anything in return; if you care enough about him to ask yourself if you're a bad person, I'm sure he'll care enough about you knowing that he might leave this earth without being able to show you that he's sorry for all that he's done.

I think that you've asked this question because you care enough about him. Why don't you visit him and once and for all tell him of all your thoughts about him. Give him the chance to open up to you, and you might be surprised as to what your brother had to say. It is easier to move on knowing that you've forgiven the person you love rather than the person you hate. You deserve some closure and the only way you'll get that is by visiting him and showing him that you care in spite of everything. One of you has to make the effort--I hope that you find it in your heart to visit him before it's too late!

[JP.]

I have been disabled for 27 years. He's never once called to see how I'm doing. His illness is self-inflicted. He was told years ago to quit smoking. His cancer isn't a 'Paid In Full' thing.

I've been in that stage before, I know exactly what you feel. You can't forgetting.

Maybe it's because English is not your first language, but I'm appalled that you would even think such a thing. I've already said above that I don't hate him. I don't even hate him for what he did to me 50 years ago. I hate the alcohol. Not him. I just don't like him the way brothers are supposed to.

I was on my point and I guarantee there was no english-as second language mishap or you might just being silly with me?

You're being indifferent to him, thank you for stated it. Do not have to feel appalled/offended with my random guess. IMO, numbness didn't create any more trouble, just a limbo in your heart.

[Telstra]

.
I have one older brother who is almost beyond help with depression/self centered and negatives thoughts about things ... He sort of blamed everyone but himself for his issues.

[Beachguyj]

Today I found out through my younger sister that he has been diagnosed with lung cancer. I'm not upset and I'm not saddened by the news. The fact that I'm not bothers me more than the news itself.

Does that make me a bad brother?

Yeah, pretty much. I'm not speaking to my sister right now, but if I found out anything was wrong with her health I would be devastated.

[Beachguyj]

Well, to loosely quote Angelina Jolie..."I don't believe that blood is family. It must be earned."

Says the crazy bitch who used to wear a vial of blood around her neck.

[youfiad]

Nothing makes you a bad brother. There is nothing that says that you have to have emotional attachment to family. I try to avoid all conversations with my brothers and try to keep my distance from them too.