Those who have been following my little exploits as of late know that I started using again. I'm going to try recovery again, but quite a number of you have messaged me and said you'd like to know what's going on. Here's the scoop:
I broke up with my boyfriend at the beginning of December, and I kind of muddled along for a bit; I then had two psychotic breaks where I was suffering from paranoid delusions. Those happened two nights in a row. I ended up in the hospital both times.
Once that all happened, I decided that I didn't want to lead a sober life anymore. I fully collapsed into the solitude and silent shroud of addiction once again. That went on for the entire Christmas holiday, up until the end of the first week of January. I then tried to use recreationally, but then things got even worse. I started popping pills again. I almost overdosed on codeine a few nights ago; my vision was so blurred I couldn't even text properly. It scared the living shit out of me, but what happened the next night was even worse.
At around 9 at night, I started feeling really down. I don't even know how to describe it; those of you who have been there will know what I mean; but suddenly everything was just faded and unimportant; I saw no way out. I took a knife from my drawer and started trying to cut my wrist. It was like I was in a trance; I had no idea what I was doing, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. It wasn't until I saw the blood swelling out of the wounds that I realised I'd done something really bad and I needed to call someone.
I ended up calling my foster mom; she picked me up and took me to the hospital. I thankfully (?) didn't cut deep enough to require stitches (they were more hesitation cuts than anything else), but what I did was bad enough.
So, that leaves the question; where do I go from here? I'm seeing a mental health professional, and I'm very seriously considering rehab. I never thought my problem was bad enough to require a stay, but the simple fact is that if I'm eating codeine tabs and slicing myself up, the problem is much worse than I thought. If I do decide to enter rehab, I'll be sure to let you all know when I'll be gone.
Thank you all for the outpouring of support. This place has its ups and downs, but the five years I've spent on here have led to more good memories (both in real life and on here) than I could ever hope to repay.