Recovery

[AshyPhoenix]

Those who have been following my little exploits as of late know that I started using again. I'm going to try recovery again, but quite a number of you have messaged me and said you'd like to know what's going on. Here's the scoop:

I broke up with my boyfriend at the beginning of December, and I kind of muddled along for a bit; I then had two psychotic breaks where I was suffering from paranoid delusions. Those happened two nights in a row. I ended up in the hospital both times.

Once that all happened, I decided that I didn't want to lead a sober life anymore. I fully collapsed into the solitude and silent shroud of addiction once again. That went on for the entire Christmas holiday, up until the end of the first week of January. I then tried to use recreationally, but then things got even worse. I started popping pills again. I almost overdosed on codeine a few nights ago; my vision was so blurred I couldn't even text properly. It scared the living shit out of me, but what happened the next night was even worse.

At around 9 at night, I started feeling really down. I don't even know how to describe it; those of you who have been there will know what I mean; but suddenly everything was just faded and unimportant; I saw no way out. I took a knife from my drawer and started trying to cut my wrist. It was like I was in a trance; I had no idea what I was doing, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. It wasn't until I saw the blood swelling out of the wounds that I realised I'd done something really bad and I needed to call someone.

I ended up calling my foster mom; she picked me up and took me to the hospital. I thankfully (?) didn't cut deep enough to require stitches (they were more hesitation cuts than anything else), but what I did was bad enough.

So, that leaves the question; where do I go from here? I'm seeing a mental health professional, and I'm very seriously considering rehab. I never thought my problem was bad enough to require a stay, but the simple fact is that if I'm eating codeine tabs and slicing myself up, the problem is much worse than I thought. If I do decide to enter rehab, I'll be sure to let you all know when I'll be gone.

Thank you all for the outpouring of support. This place has its ups and downs, but the five years I've spent on here have led to more good memories (both in real life and on here) than I could ever hope to repay.

to all.

[G-Lexington]

Thanks for telling us the story. And I admire your courage for speaking out. Your MHP will presumably let you know your options. If rehab sounds like the right move, then definitely go for it. I know a few people who went through, and came out a lot better than they went in. But whatever your path, know you've got a lot of support on either side.

Keep kicking ass.

Lex

[loveguys72]

This time, we're all right behind you, Ashy. I'm glad you decided against suicide. The world needs you in it.

Good luck with whatever path to recovery you choose.

[palbert]

As one who has been through detox and rehab I admire your strength. Keep fighting!

[xbuzzerx]

Thank you for being brave enough to share your story, Ashy. I think I speak for everyone that we definitely all support whatever steps you need to take to get better. And if you ever want to talk.

[star-warrior]

Keep strong, you know there are folks who love you out there

[gsdx]

The hardest step is knowing that you have a lot more to take. Best of luck to you, and all of my best wishes.

[Captain53]

If rehab will set you on the road to a clean and sober life then by all means go,. That first step is always the hardest, but it is the one that will set you free. I have been clean and sober for over 18 years now, and while life is not always great, it is always good. if you decide to follow a 12 step program/fellowship, there are rooms full of people who will give all that they have to help you. Best of luck.

[AshyPhoenix]

Thank you, everyone. Your support means so much to me.

I met with my psychiatrist, and he's referred me to a drug and alcohol abuse specialist. I'm going to be meeting with her next week. I plan on discussing rehabilitation options with her.

EDIT: I'm also going to hit up as many NA and AA meetings as I possibly can. While that program may not work for me, it's still a good panacea for the time being.

[loveguys72]

Excellent news. Please keep us posted.

[PreTTy PeTe]

creepy as this sounds it worked for me

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable

[oakpope]

May I suggest you don't stay alone for the next few days ? Stay at a friend's or family if possible, or medical facility if needed ?

You are beautiful, don't ever forget that.

[MissAnne]

Im sorry that you are having such a difficult time. Ill pray for your recovery. You are considering rehab, that sounds like a good idea.

[bankside]

Ashy, when it is happening, is there anything that helps you to recognise a psychotic break? How do you know when to ask for help?
Is there anything the rest of us can do?

I could tell you were struggling before Christmas, both with the events going on in your life, but also something about your posting style seemed different… Usually your personality, humour, and your intellect comes through in every post. You're organised in your thoughts, and self-aware and fully able to describe even difficult issues in your life. In December, your posts came across kind of like you were spinning your wheels trying to make sense of things, and it made me wonder if your mental health was in for a rough patch. I wasn't sure what to do but try to help you figure out the options in the difficult situations you were talking about as clearly as possible. That's why I ask if there is anything in your experience that helps you recognise when you might need help sooner rather than later.

Today you seem tired, but your posting style is back on an even track, especially given all you've been through in the last month. I doubt you want us studying everything you type to try to guess what is going on with your health, but if we notice a change like that would it help to mention it to you?

Also, I think it should be considered whether the incident the other night was another kind of break, maybe not just the kind you have experienced before.

Keep checking in here, okay?

[xbuzzerx]

May I suggest you don't stay alone for the next few days ? Stay at a friend's or family if possible, or medical facility if needed ?

You are beautiful, don't ever forget that.

I second this. If you have a friend or a family member you trust, Ashy, maybe you shouldn't spend a lot of time alone right now.

[AshyPhoenix]

I could tell you were struggling before Christmas, both with the events going on in your life, but also something about your posting style seemed different… Usually your personality, humour, and your intellect comes through in every post. You're organised in your thoughts, and self-aware and fully able to describe even difficult issues in your life. In December, your posts came across kind of like you were spinning your wheels trying to make sense of things, and it made me wonder if your mental health was in for a rough patch. I wasn't sure what to do but try to help you figure out the options in the difficult situations you were talking about as clearly as possible. That's why I ask if there is anything in your experience that helps you recognise when you might need help sooner rather than later.

I always know when I'm headed downhill. I can easily recognise it; doing something about it is a different story.

It's interesting that my posting style changes, but not entirely unexpected.

Keep checking in here, okay?

I plan on it. I'll be updating this thread as the situation warrants, as well.

[Keeland]

.......

[LilBit]

Take care of yourself, you filthy slutbag.

[MikeyLove]

Hey Ashy, it seems that you have a very strong will to live underneath all that you're going through. Keep that chin up and keep on marching forward to a NEW YOU. Praying for ya!

[ronboy]

Ashy, you need no confirmations from me that you did the right thing.

But I have to tell you that you do have my affirmation and support.

Keep your faith, (whatever drumbeat moves your spirit), and stay well...

[RazorzEdge88]

All the best. You're an amazing guy.

[refujiunderground]

breh, go for it. do whatever you think will help you and it's good that you're reaching out for help because you can't do this by yourself.

[justsimon]

Definitely keep reaching out. Rehab is worth looking into.

[thatgirl]

Take care of yourself, Ashy. I think going to rehab and seeking out support will be worth it for you. It also shows you have the desire to live and get better. Try your best to not let negative self-talk jeopardize your efforts. A good way to do that is surround yourself with people who give you positive feedback and emotional support when you need it. Avoid withdrawing in to yourself and reach out to others as much as you can. Good luck with everything. I wish you the best.

[AshyPhoenix]

Time to start a new chapter, just for today.

[freefall]

The first good thing is realising something is wrong. Many people never get out of this stage.

If you think rehab is the best, then give it a shot. Otherwise you can try talking about it with other people who had been to rehab and was successful - maybe that can give you some things to consider.

And be with anyone who cares about you whatever your state is. You will need plenty of support and care through this.

and my prayer is with you stay well.

[eastofeden]

(((Ashy)))...One day at a time.....right now is all that matters and I think it is great that you are reaching out both here and at the NA and AA meetings.

If you ever need to talk to someone you can always PM me

[cgymike]

Coffee is better at NA meetings...well ok not always. Keep coming back - it works.

[TheSpectatingLoner]

Take care of yourself, baby. I wish you well in your recovery.

(((free hug)))

[ravenstar]

Sparkles get yourself into rehab and get this monkey off your back. Don't make me come over there and shave your eyebrows off

[medic1]

Good luck m8 , you have always come across as a sort of fuck you sort of guy and maybe that is just what you need just now .
You are a well liked member here , if we can help , even just by chatting and letting you know we are here for your support , then
i think that is a great head start............

[AshyPhoenix]

So I got some excellent feedback from my mother. She called me a "heartbreak" after I told her I had been doing codeine and that I tried to kill myself. This is exactly what a post-suicidal person needs to hear. I debated crying about it, but decided that she can think whatever the fuck she wants. I'll just be me and be clean.

[blackbeltninja]

Gosh, heavy times ahead.

Good luck! Can't say I have any idea what you're going through, but I'm rooting for you.


-d-

[xbuzzerx]

<-------------------------------

[Audio Tech]

Ashy, I don't know you personally.... but I do know the dark places our minds can lead us to.

Just remember this from my own experience..... cheesy as it sounds...... It DOES get better!

[LeicsDom]

I broke up with my boyfriend at the beginning of December, and I kind of muddled along for a bit; I then had two psychotic breaks where I was suffering from paranoid delusions. Those happened two nights in a row. I ended up in the hospital both times.

I would hazard a guess that you are probably bipolar.
This has probably been triggered by your emotional problems after breaking up with your boyfriend.
Your MHP should recommed an assessment. If not, ask/demand one. The sooner you start on medication the better.

[G-Lexington]

Thanks, Mom!

Lex

[loveguys72]

So I got some excellent feedback from my mother. She called me a "heartbreak" after I told her I had been doing codeine and that I tried to kill myself. This is exactly what a post-suicidal person needs to hear. I debated crying about it, but decided that she can think whatever the fuck she wants. I'll just be me and be clean.

This is why you'll ultimately prevail.

[weinerslav]

I don't know much about your addictions besides what I read here and there, but I think is very hard and very brave to accept our own faults and, being aware of those faults, is half way to defeate them.

I was in a very dark place 10 years ago, it took me sometime to realize and accept it, and took me even longer to leave that person, that wasn't even me, behind. It's almost another life now, like if I was in a body that wasn't mine for a while. I sincerely wish that someday you can feel that, that the addiction is just a shadow that stole a part of your life, that prevented you to be happy. I feel a bit bitter when I think about that, but it's gone now, and it's up to me to never go back.

[MrRochesterNY]

Even though I've never met you, Ashy, I have grown fond of you from following your posts. Your latest report and its unflinching analysis of your last few weeks reflects the humanity, strength, and resolve that I think will allow you to conquer those addictions this time around. We are all rooting for you, and we know you will keep us updated on your trip up and out.

[illgetbi]

everydayisiexactlythesame.wav
welcometothejungle.wav
likeavirgin.wav
willitgoroundincircles.wav
Itsmypartyandillcryifiwantto.wav
itsthesameoldsong.wav

Thank you, everyone. Your support means so much to me.

Pity party, nothing more. What are they supporting?

That you've admitted your relapse and are acknowledging you have a problem? Old news.

Your decision to go to rehab? We've all heard it before.

Wishing you well why you're gone? Won't do a damn thing.

All of the 'support' in this thread is useless at best, harmful/enabling at worst.

And the few people who gave actual advice (some of it quite good!) are likely wasting their time, unfortunately.


You're not a real drug addict. You want to be one, so you mess around with drugs just enough to cause drama and draw attention to yourself. It's dangerous behavior, sure, but it's not addiction.

The type of help a true addict needs, and the way they ask for it, is a whole other ballgame.

And you don't understand the rules enough to fake it, hard as you try.


Anyway, my advice is to begin seeing a therapist weekly and a psychiatrist monthly.

If you must go through with rehab, let your family select the facility. Hopefully somewhere out of state.

Stop seeking motivations from others. Only you can convince yourself to change.

Lastly, read some brutally candid autobiographies about true drug addiction. You'll feel silly afterwards, and better.

[AshyPhoenix]

Thanks for the tips, illgetbi.

From your post, I'm assuming you've never been addicted to any hard substance. If you have, though, you'd know that everyone's addiction is different, and everyone's rock bottom is different.

Again, thanks for your unsubstantiated opinion. It really helped.

[youfiad]

I've only witnessed addiction from an spectator's perspective, and it's somethingthat I've never understood for that reason. I have a brother that has been addicted to drugs, most notably pain killers, for a long time and has ended up on life support many times with nurses and doctors telling us that he might not make it. The only thing that I can say is that you have to do anything that you have to do to get better. I wish you the best in your recovery.

[illgetbi]

Thanks for the tips, illgetbi.

From your post, I'm assuming you've never been addicted to any hard substance.

I've never said as much, but you've read plenty other posts of mine over the years. What do they tell you?

If you have, though, you'd know that everyone's addiction is different, and everyone's rock bottom is different.

Everyone reaches rock bottom differently. But the destination is the same.

And addictions differ only in their genesis. Addicts themselves are actually all remarkably quite similar, and they know it. Why do you think they're so good at identifying other addicts?

Again, thanks for your unsubstantiated opinion. It really helped.

There were plenty of other unsubstantiated opinions given in this thread. Why so quick to dismiss mine?

You DO know that being challenged is a substantial part of recovery? Right?

You've been in the shit for quite some time. Everyone keeps encouraging you to look ahead and take the next step forward.

I'm merely suggesting you look down, see what you're actually standing in, and begin finding your own way out.

It's time to grow up dude. Stop this nonsense. Seek professional help to identify your real issues. Not JUB.

[AshyPhoenix]

I'm seeing a mental health professional, and I'm very seriously considering rehab.

I met with my psychiatrist, and he's referred me to a drug and alcohol abuse specialist. I'm going to be meeting with her next week. I plan on discussing rehabilitation options with her.

It's time to grow up dude. Stop this nonsense. Seek professional help to identify your real issues. Not JUB.

Next time, could please read the entire thread before crawling up my ass? I see absolutely no point in replying to anything else you said when it's blatantly obvious you didn't read a thing I wrote. Thanks for playing.

[AshyPhoenix]

I would hazard a guess that you are probably bipolar.
This has probably been triggered by your emotional problems after breaking up with your boyfriend.
Your MHP should recommed an assessment. If not, ask/demand one. The sooner you start on medication the better.

Yes. Yes, yes and yes. I have a friend with Bipolar Type II, and for at least the last six months (perhaps even upwards of three years, off and on), I've been unwittingly experiencing very similar symptoms to what he described. I mentioned it to my psychiatrist, but he said he'd like to observe me for a few weeks before starting me on any medication. I really see no other reason for me being so bugfuck nuts.

I had a psychiatrist suggest that I may have Borderline Personality Disorder, but as the symptoms are very loosely similar, I think she may have been mistaken. I only saw her once, though, so obviously she couldn't make a definitive diagnosis.

[eastofeden]

It's time to grow up dude. Stop this nonsense. Seek professional help to identify your real issues. Not JUB.

I am not sure if you are actually trying to help in some weird way or if you are just being a dick....but this piece of advice clearly demonstrates you know nothing about addiction and recovery.

[AshyPhoenix]

I am not sure if you are actually trying to help in some weird way or if you are just being a dick....but this piece of advice clearly demonstrates you know nothing about addiction and recovery.

If someone went back to a Narcotics Anonymous circle after relapsing and they were castigated like that, I doubt anyone would ever bother to go. There's a reason it's called a "support circle" and not a "tough-love circle".

[youfiad]

I am not sure if you are actually trying to help in some weird way or if you are just being a dick....but this piece of advice clearly demonstrates you know nothing about addiction and recovery.

What blows my mind is that a MOD would say something like that. I don't think he quite understands the definition of an addiction.

[AshyPhoenix]

What blows my mind is that a MOD would say something like that. I don't think he quite understands the definition of an addiction.

He's not a mod; that's a custom user title.

Guys, stop bagging on him. What needed to be said was said.