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Thread: Recovery

      
   
  1. #1
    AshyPhoenix
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    Recovery

    Those who have been following my little exploits as of late know that I started using again. I'm going to try recovery again, but quite a number of you have messaged me and said you'd like to know what's going on. Here's the scoop:

    I broke up with my boyfriend at the beginning of December, and I kind of muddled along for a bit; I then had two psychotic breaks where I was suffering from paranoid delusions. Those happened two nights in a row. I ended up in the hospital both times.

    Once that all happened, I decided that I didn't want to lead a sober life anymore. I fully collapsed into the solitude and silent shroud of addiction once again. That went on for the entire Christmas holiday, up until the end of the first week of January. I then tried to use recreationally, but then things got even worse. I started popping pills again. I almost overdosed on codeine a few nights ago; my vision was so blurred I couldn't even text properly. It scared the living shit out of me, but what happened the next night was even worse.

    At around 9 at night, I started feeling really down. I don't even know how to describe it; those of you who have been there will know what I mean; but suddenly everything was just faded and unimportant; I saw no way out. I took a knife from my drawer and started trying to cut my wrist. It was like I was in a trance; I had no idea what I was doing, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. It wasn't until I saw the blood swelling out of the wounds that I realised I'd done something really bad and I needed to call someone.

    I ended up calling my foster mom; she picked me up and took me to the hospital. I thankfully (?) didn't cut deep enough to require stitches (they were more hesitation cuts than anything else), but what I did was bad enough.

    So, that leaves the question; where do I go from here? I'm seeing a mental health professional, and I'm very seriously considering rehab. I never thought my problem was bad enough to require a stay, but the simple fact is that if I'm eating codeine tabs and slicing myself up, the problem is much worse than I thought. If I do decide to enter rehab, I'll be sure to let you all know when I'll be gone.

    Thank you all for the outpouring of support. This place has its ups and downs, but the five years I've spent on here have led to more good memories (both in real life and on here) than I could ever hope to repay.

    to all.

  2. #2
    The gay gargoyle
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    Re: Recovery

    Thanks for telling us the story. And I admire your courage for speaking out. Your MHP will presumably let you know your options. If rehab sounds like the right move, then definitely go for it. I know a few people who went through, and came out a lot better than they went in. But whatever your path, know you've got a lot of support on either side.

    Keep kicking ass.

    Lex

  3. #3
    JUB Addict loveguys72's Avatar
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    Re: Recovery

    This time, we're all right behind you, Ashy. I'm glad you decided against suicide. The world needs you in it.

    Good luck with whatever path to recovery you choose.

  4. #4
    Do I dare to eat a peach?
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    Re: Recovery

    As one who has been through detox and rehab I admire your strength. Keep fighting!

  5. #5
    CE&P Secret Police xbuzzerx's Avatar
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    Re: Recovery

    Thank you for being brave enough to share your story, Ashy. I think I speak for everyone that we definitely all support whatever steps you need to take to get better. And if you ever want to talk.

  6. #6
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    Re: Recovery

    Keep strong, you know there are folks who love you out there


  7. #7
    I spell spelled spelt
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    Re: Recovery

    The hardest step is knowing that you have a lot more to take. Best of luck to you, and all of my best wishes.

  8. #8
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    Re: Recovery

    If rehab will set you on the road to a clean and sober life then by all means go,. That first step is always the hardest, but it is the one that will set you free. I have been clean and sober for over 18 years now, and while life is not always great, it is always good. if you decide to follow a 12 step program/fellowship, there are rooms full of people who will give all that they have to help you. Best of luck.

  9. #9
    AshyPhoenix
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    Re: Recovery

    Thank you, everyone. Your support means so much to me.

    I met with my psychiatrist, and he's referred me to a drug and alcohol abuse specialist. I'm going to be meeting with her next week. I plan on discussing rehabilitation options with her.

    EDIT: I'm also going to hit up as many NA and AA meetings as I possibly can. While that program may not work for me, it's still a good panacea for the time being.

  10. #10
    JUB Addict loveguys72's Avatar
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    Re: Recovery

    Excellent news. Please keep us posted.

  11. #11
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    Re: Recovery

    creepy as this sounds it worked for me

    Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable




  12. #12
    Look, listen and rejoice oakpope's Avatar
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    Re: Recovery

    May I suggest you don't stay alone for the next few days ? Stay at a friend's or family if possible, or medical facility if needed ?

    You are beautiful, don't ever forget that.

    Last edited by oakpope; January 23rd, 2013 at 06:32 PM.
    Magna Veritas


  13. #13
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    Re: Recovery

    Im sorry that you are having such a difficult time. Ill pray for your recovery. You are considering rehab, that sounds like a good idea.
    " For all there is to feel, let it be felt"
    ― Emeli Sande

  14. #14
    IllumiNaughty Overlord. bankside's Avatar
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    Re: Recovery

    Ashy, when it is happening, is there anything that helps you to recognise a psychotic break? How do you know when to ask for help?
    Is there anything the rest of us can do?

    I could tell you were struggling before Christmas, both with the events going on in your life, but also something about your posting style seemed different… Usually your personality, humour, and your intellect comes through in every post. You're organised in your thoughts, and self-aware and fully able to describe even difficult issues in your life. In December, your posts came across kind of like you were spinning your wheels trying to make sense of things, and it made me wonder if your mental health was in for a rough patch. I wasn't sure what to do but try to help you figure out the options in the difficult situations you were talking about as clearly as possible. That's why I ask if there is anything in your experience that helps you recognise when you might need help sooner rather than later.

    Today you seem tired, but your posting style is back on an even track, especially given all you've been through in the last month. I doubt you want us studying everything you type to try to guess what is going on with your health, but if we notice a change like that would it help to mention it to you?

    Also, I think it should be considered whether the incident the other night was another kind of break, maybe not just the kind you have experienced before.

    Keep checking in here, okay?
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte.

  15. #15
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    Re: Recovery

    Quote Originally Posted by oakpope View Post
    May I suggest you don't stay alone for the next few days ? Stay at a friend's or family if possible, or medical facility if needed ?

    You are beautiful, don't ever forget that.

    I second this. If you have a friend or a family member you trust, Ashy, maybe you shouldn't spend a lot of time alone right now.

  16. #16
    AshyPhoenix
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    Re: Recovery

    Quote Originally Posted by bankside View Post
    I could tell you were struggling before Christmas, both with the events going on in your life, but also something about your posting style seemed different… Usually your personality, humour, and your intellect comes through in every post. You're organised in your thoughts, and self-aware and fully able to describe even difficult issues in your life. In December, your posts came across kind of like you were spinning your wheels trying to make sense of things, and it made me wonder if your mental health was in for a rough patch. I wasn't sure what to do but try to help you figure out the options in the difficult situations you were talking about as clearly as possible. That's why I ask if there is anything in your experience that helps you recognise when you might need help sooner rather than later.
    I always know when I'm headed downhill. I can easily recognise it; doing something about it is a different story.

    It's interesting that my posting style changes, but not entirely unexpected.

    Quote Originally Posted by bankside View Post
    Keep checking in here, okay?
    I plan on it. I'll be updating this thread as the situation warrants, as well.

  17. #17
    Keeland
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    Re: Recovery



    .......

  18. #18
    Dr Bit! :~D
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    Re: Recovery



    Take care of yourself, you filthy slutbag.
    Recently I heard a 'wise guy' story that I had a party at my home for twenty-five men. It's an interesting story, but I don't know twenty-five men I'd want to invite to a party. ~Joan Crawford

  19. #19
    MikeyLove
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    Re: Recovery

    Hey Ashy, it seems that you have a very strong will to live underneath all that you're going through. Keep that chin up and keep on marching forward to a NEW YOU. Praying for ya!

  20. #20
    THE FLIRT JUB Moderator ronboy's Avatar
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    Re: Recovery

    Ashy, you need no confirmations from me that you did the right thing.

    But I have to tell you that you do have my affirmation and support.

    Keep your faith, (whatever drumbeat moves your spirit), and stay well...


    The Three Musketeers... Bashful, Chrisglass, and Ronboy!

  21. #21
    RazorzEdge88
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    Re: Recovery

    All the best. You're an amazing guy.

  22. #22
    WTF????? refujiunderground's Avatar
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    Re: Recovery

    breh, go for it. do whatever you think will help you and it's good that you're reaching out for help because you can't do this by yourself.
    one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

  23. #23
    Last Chance Jubber justsimon's Avatar
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    Re: Recovery

    Definitely keep reaching out. Rehab is worth looking into.

  24. #24
    thatgirl
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    Re: Recovery

    Take care of yourself, Ashy. I think going to rehab and seeking out support will be worth it for you. It also shows you have the desire to live and get better. Try your best to not let negative self-talk jeopardize your efforts. A good way to do that is surround yourself with people who give you positive feedback and emotional support when you need it. Avoid withdrawing in to yourself and reach out to others as much as you can. Good luck with everything. I wish you the best.

  25. #25
    AshyPhoenix
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    Re: Recovery



    Time to start a new chapter, just for today.

  26. #26
    Count Hedgecula freefall's Avatar
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    Re: Recovery

    The first good thing is realising something is wrong. Many people never get out of this stage.

    If you think rehab is the best, then give it a shot. Otherwise you can try talking about it with other people who had been to rehab and was successful - maybe that can give you some things to consider.

    And be with anyone who cares about you whatever your state is. You will need plenty of support and care through this.

    and my prayer is with you stay well.
    come now, my child. if we were planning to harm you, do you think
    we'd be lurking here beside the path in the darkest part of the forest?

  27. #27
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    Re: Recovery

    (((Ashy)))...One day at a time.....right now is all that matters and I think it is great that you are reaching out both here and at the NA and AA meetings.

    If you ever need to talk to someone you can always PM me

  28. #28
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    Re: Recovery

    Coffee is better at NA meetings...well ok not always. Keep coming back - it works.
    Your post comments are forwarded to the CIA.

  29. #29
    TheSpectatingLoner
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    Re: Recovery

    Take care of yourself, baby. I wish you well in your recovery.

    (((free hug)))

  30. #30
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    Re: Recovery

    Sparkles get yourself into rehab and get this monkey off your back. Don't make me come over there and shave your eyebrows off

  31. #31
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    Re: Recovery

    Good luck m8 , you have always come across as a sort of fuck you sort of guy and maybe that is just what you need just now .
    You are a well liked member here , if we can help , even just by chatting and letting you know we are here for your support , then
    i think that is a great head start............

  32. #32
    AshyPhoenix
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    Re: Recovery

    So I got some excellent feedback from my mother. She called me a "heartbreak" after I told her I had been doing codeine and that I tried to kill myself. This is exactly what a post-suicidal person needs to hear. I debated crying about it, but decided that she can think whatever the fuck she wants. I'll just be me and be clean.

  33. #33
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    Re: Recovery

    Gosh, heavy times ahead.

    Good luck! Can't say I have any idea what you're going through, but I'm rooting for you.


    -d-
    Members: [insert appropriate/relevant wise saying or deep thought here]
    Thank you.


    I hope you get this message.
    Comments welcome.

  34. #34
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    Re: Recovery

    <-------------------------------

  35. #35
    JUB Addict Audio Tech's Avatar
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    Re: Recovery

    Ashy, I don't know you personally.... but I do know the dark places our minds can lead us to.

    Just remember this from my own experience..... cheesy as it sounds...... It DOES get better!

  36. #36
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    Re: Recovery

    Quote Originally Posted by AshyPhoenix View Post
    I broke up with my boyfriend at the beginning of December, and I kind of muddled along for a bit; I then had two psychotic breaks where I was suffering from paranoid delusions. Those happened two nights in a row. I ended up in the hospital both times.
    I would hazard a guess that you are probably bipolar.
    This has probably been triggered by your emotional problems after breaking up with your boyfriend.
    Your MHP should recommed an assessment. If not, ask/demand one. The sooner you start on medication the better.

  37. #37
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    Re: Recovery

    Thanks, Mom!

    Lex

  38. #38
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    Re: Recovery

    Quote Originally Posted by AshyPhoenix View Post
    So I got some excellent feedback from my mother. She called me a "heartbreak" after I told her I had been doing codeine and that I tried to kill myself. This is exactly what a post-suicidal person needs to hear. I debated crying about it, but decided that she can think whatever the fuck she wants. I'll just be me and be clean.
    This is why you'll ultimately prevail.

  39. #39
    On the Prowl weinerslav's Avatar
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    Re: Recovery

    I don't know much about your addictions besides what I read here and there, but I think is very hard and very brave to accept our own faults and, being aware of those faults, is half way to defeate them.

    I was in a very dark place 10 years ago, it took me sometime to realize and accept it, and took me even longer to leave that person, that wasn't even me, behind. It's almost another life now, like if I was in a body that wasn't mine for a while. I sincerely wish that someday you can feel that, that the addiction is just a shadow that stole a part of your life, that prevented you to be happy. I feel a bit bitter when I think about that, but it's gone now, and it's up to me to never go back.
    Last edited by weinerslav; January 24th, 2013 at 06:19 PM.

  40. #40
    Sex God MrRochesterNY's Avatar
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    Re: Recovery

    Even though I've never met you, Ashy, I have grown fond of you from following your posts. Your latest report and its unflinching analysis of your last few weeks reflects the humanity, strength, and resolve that I think will allow you to conquer those addictions this time around. We are all rooting for you, and we know you will keep us updated on your trip up and out.

  41. #41
    illgetbi
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    Re: Recovery

    everydayisiexactlythesame.wav
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    Quote Originally Posted by AshyPhoenix View Post
    Thank you, everyone. Your support means so much to me.
    Pity party, nothing more. What are they supporting?

    That you've admitted your relapse and are acknowledging you have a problem? Old news.

    Your decision to go to rehab? We've all heard it before.

    Wishing you well why you're gone? Won't do a damn thing.

    All of the 'support' in this thread is useless at best, harmful/enabling at worst.

    And the few people who gave actual advice (some of it quite good!) are likely wasting their time, unfortunately.


    You're not a real drug addict. You want to be one, so you mess around with drugs just enough to cause drama and draw attention to yourself. It's dangerous behavior, sure, but it's not addiction.

    The type of help a true addict needs, and the way they ask for it, is a whole other ballgame.

    And you don't understand the rules enough to fake it, hard as you try.


    Anyway, my advice is to begin seeing a therapist weekly and a psychiatrist monthly.

    If you must go through with rehab, let your family select the facility. Hopefully somewhere out of state.

    Stop seeking motivations from others. Only you can convince yourself to change.

    Lastly, read some brutally candid autobiographies about true drug addiction. You'll feel silly afterwards, and better.

  42. #42
    AshyPhoenix
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    Re: Recovery

    Thanks for the tips, illgetbi.

    From your post, I'm assuming you've never been addicted to any hard substance. If you have, though, you'd know that everyone's addiction is different, and everyone's rock bottom is different.

    Again, thanks for your unsubstantiated opinion. It really helped.

  43. #43
    Sex God youfiad's Avatar
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    Re: Recovery

    I've only witnessed addiction from an spectator's perspective, and it's somethingthat I've never understood for that reason. I have a brother that has been addicted to drugs, most notably pain killers, for a long time and has ended up on life support many times with nurses and doctors telling us that he might not make it. The only thing that I can say is that you have to do anything that you have to do to get better. I wish you the best in your recovery.

  44. #44
    illgetbi
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    Re: Recovery

    Quote Originally Posted by AshyPhoenix View Post
    Thanks for the tips, illgetbi.

    From your post, I'm assuming you've never been addicted to any hard substance.
    I've never said as much, but you've read plenty other posts of mine over the years. What do they tell you?

    Quote Originally Posted by AshyPhoenix View Post
    If you have, though, you'd know that everyone's addiction is different, and everyone's rock bottom is different.
    Everyone reaches rock bottom differently. But the destination is the same.

    And addictions differ only in their genesis. Addicts themselves are actually all remarkably quite similar, and they know it. Why do you think they're so good at identifying other addicts?

    Quote Originally Posted by AshyPhoenix View Post
    Again, thanks for your unsubstantiated opinion. It really helped.
    There were plenty of other unsubstantiated opinions given in this thread. Why so quick to dismiss mine?

    You DO know that being challenged is a substantial part of recovery? Right?

    You've been in the shit for quite some time. Everyone keeps encouraging you to look ahead and take the next step forward.

    I'm merely suggesting you look down, see what you're actually standing in, and begin finding your own way out.

    It's time to grow up dude. Stop this nonsense. Seek professional help to identify your real issues. Not JUB.


  45. #45
    AshyPhoenix
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    Re: Recovery

    Quote Originally Posted by AshyPhoenix View Post
    I'm seeing a mental health professional, and I'm very seriously considering rehab.
    Quote Originally Posted by AshyPhoenix View Post
    I met with my psychiatrist, and he's referred me to a drug and alcohol abuse specialist. I'm going to be meeting with her next week. I plan on discussing rehabilitation options with her.
    Quote Originally Posted by illgetbi View Post
    It's time to grow up dude. Stop this nonsense. Seek professional help to identify your real issues. Not JUB.
    Next time, could please read the entire thread before crawling up my ass? I see absolutely no point in replying to anything else you said when it's blatantly obvious you didn't read a thing I wrote. Thanks for playing.

  46. #46
    AshyPhoenix
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    Re: Recovery

    Quote Originally Posted by LeicsDom View Post
    I would hazard a guess that you are probably bipolar.
    This has probably been triggered by your emotional problems after breaking up with your boyfriend.
    Your MHP should recommed an assessment. If not, ask/demand one. The sooner you start on medication the better.
    Yes. Yes, yes and yes. I have a friend with Bipolar Type II, and for at least the last six months (perhaps even upwards of three years, off and on), I've been unwittingly experiencing very similar symptoms to what he described. I mentioned it to my psychiatrist, but he said he'd like to observe me for a few weeks before starting me on any medication. I really see no other reason for me being so bugfuck nuts.

    I had a psychiatrist suggest that I may have Borderline Personality Disorder, but as the symptoms are very loosely similar, I think she may have been mistaken. I only saw her once, though, so obviously she couldn't make a definitive diagnosis.

  47. #47
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    Re: Recovery

    Quote Originally Posted by illgetbi View Post

    It's time to grow up dude. Stop this nonsense. Seek professional help to identify your real issues. Not JUB.
    I am not sure if you are actually trying to help in some weird way or if you are just being a dick....but this piece of advice clearly demonstrates you know nothing about addiction and recovery.

  48. #48
    AshyPhoenix
    Guest

    Re: Recovery

    Quote Originally Posted by eastofeden View Post
    I am not sure if you are actually trying to help in some weird way or if you are just being a dick....but this piece of advice clearly demonstrates you know nothing about addiction and recovery.
    If someone went back to a Narcotics Anonymous circle after relapsing and they were castigated like that, I doubt anyone would ever bother to go. There's a reason it's called a "support circle" and not a "tough-love circle".

  49. #49
    Sex God youfiad's Avatar
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    Feb 2011
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    Re: Recovery

    Quote Originally Posted by eastofeden View Post
    I am not sure if you are actually trying to help in some weird way or if you are just being a dick....but this piece of advice clearly demonstrates you know nothing about addiction and recovery.

    What blows my mind is that a MOD would say something like that. I don't think he quite understands the definition of an addiction.

  50. #50
    AshyPhoenix
    Guest

    Re: Recovery

    Quote Originally Posted by youfiad View Post
    What blows my mind is that a MOD would say something like that. I don't think he quite understands the definition of an addiction.
    He's not a mod; that's a custom user title.

    Guys, stop bagging on him. What needed to be said was said.

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