I like cuddling
I like cuddling
I admitted to my doctor today that I didn't want him prescribing Ativan to me anymore, and to put a note in my file saying I'm not to be prescribed it under any circumstance, because all I did with it was snort the whole bottle in two days.
While I'm proud of myself for telling him, I'm still ashamed that I let my addiction take such control over me. The only thing worse than snorting drugs is shooting them. That's crazy to me.
In my early join in JUB- I made a lots of puppets . But alas I was and (still) technologically stupid- so mods caught me easily and gave me deadly warning
So I rather not doing that..anymore and perhaps- it's fairly easy to detect me since my english is one dimensional eventhough I have a puppet- but that wont makes any difference because when it's not silent, then my signature writing will makes it obvious.
So there, ladies and gentleman... there will be only "1" JPGhost in this site ^^ whether he's alive or dead.
^ I'm pretty stupid with that as well, but couldn't you just have gone to an internet café?
I never got round to making puppets.
...did I mention the family member was a dog?
I'm glad you did the right thing. You don't have somebody in your life, someone you see every day, who could dole out your pills to you each day? Or is there another pill that works about as well without you wanting to take them all?
^I even openly admit to using Xanax back in my Wall St. days. Xanax zombified me but kept me from lashing out my coworkers which is probably why I lasted so long with my ex. It was only when I quit that job and went off Xanax that I stopped putting up with his BS. Right now going into the holiday season, I wish I had some Xanax because my coworkers are pushing my patience with all this demand for time off. We had to black out all of December today for those that didn't take it off yet.
My coworkers have been trying to play fast and loose this week and the hammer fell on them. We already offer them cushy benefits but give 'em an inch and they'll take a mile.
And the Ativan was strictly for recreational usage for me for a very long time now. Very, very rarely I'd use it for a legitimate panic attack. The way I see it is, I fucked up. I used it in a manner it wasn't supposed to be used in. I owned up to it and if I suffer because of it, it's my own damn fault for being an idiot and abusing it.
It's not because you're an idiot and I'm not. It's only because my brain already regulates enough dopamine, seratonin, oxytocin and endorphin on its own, in the right proportions, that I don't even notice whether there is a bottle of anything on the shelf, and because my life has been settled long enough that my brain has physically grown neural pathways that tend to keep things that way.
I think that is the real issue with taming addiction with alcohol, nicotine, pain killers, opiates, stimulants etc...it's one thing to take away the unhealthy drug and the spiral of abuse and disappointment and frustration, but the brain needs really strong healthy alternatives to promote those same brain chemicals that function in all of us.
Last edited by bankside; November 7th, 2013 at 06:26 PM.
Yup. But guilt is also a waste of time. In my own past, I have allowed myself to pretend I was accomplishing something simply by feeling guilty about not doing it.
"Yes I know I'm not dealing with X Y or Z issue. But I feel terribly terribly disappointed with myself and ashamed about it, and bla bla bla. That's enough, right?"
Well, as I suppose you know, it isn't.
I also see now that wasn't your point, but I had to mention.
I'm gonna have to save this link forever if I ever doubt my self-worth. It almost makes feel bad for non-romantics...
5 Things I've Learned From Dating a Non-romantic
some of it is about framing... a couple weeks ago, I was suffering from a pretty bad cold and I told my BF I'd just as soon be alone so that I don't get him sick. what my boyfriend hears is "I don't want your caring," but what I mean is "I really care about you and I don't want you to have to suffer the same illness I'm suffering from just so you can bring me a bowl of soup."
my own semi-confession... I love falling asleep with my boyfriend. and I love waking up with him. but dear god, after spending the last 7 nights with him, the whole "sleeping" part in-between kills me sometimes. actually had a talk about it the other day and he agreed that he's maybe not as considerate of my sleep as he should be. he likes to hump me or rub my back in the middle of the night and it's total first world problems, because it feels really nice, but it wakes me up. and while my boyfriend can fall asleep anywhere, under any conditions, in about 30 seconds, once I'm up it takes me awhile to shut down my brain again and fall back asleep. not a big deal when we're only together for 2-3 nights at a stretch, but by the 5th day last week, I was just tired and cranky all day.
One JUB member left me a sarcastic comment because he doesn't like Asians. To think I am still subject to racism in this forum.
I almost made a new thread this morning, but I realized that it would've been hijacked rather quickly so I chickened out. Oh well.
I think I'm a Cumberbitch.
When I first started thinking I might be gay in college, I managed to get ahold of several gay magazines. It was a strange, incomplete, but fascinating look into various different parts of "gay culture". I don't think I ever thought any of it represented "what all gays were like". I viewed it a bit like I'd view a buffet - this might be interesting, that other thing isn't for me, etc.
One of the pages had an ad for some large gay bar in Los Angeles. Four or five nights a week, they advertised showing some specific television show being broadcast on the TV(s) in the bar. They were all shows that I didn't watch (but had heard of), but the only one I remember was Dynasty. But I remember that one specifically because the broadcast of Dynasty was sandwich around drag queens re-enacting the cat-fights from previous episodes of the show. They actually would dress up like the characters, and then not just memorize the dialogue but the specific fight choreography of each of these "battles". And if the pugilists ended up in a pond or a swimming pool in the TV show...well, they'd drag out a plastic wading pool to put on the dance floor for them to fall into.
This whole thing seemed so bizarre to me at the time. Starting with the basic concept. I mean, I was a big Star Wars fan, but I don't think I'd watch my friends dress up as the characters and re-enact the show. I mean, we HAD VCRs by then. If I wanted to watch something like that, I could just rent the movie. And then the fact that it was Dynasty, a show that never held any appeal to me. It didn't strike me as a show that people would like enough to do anything for. Add in the fact that they recreated the catfights...and then drag queens...it was like another planet. I didn't ever want to go see it, but there was something about it that appealed to me. In that "we want to do this, and we don't care what you think" sort of way. I think of them every once in awhile, when the topic of people with weird hobbies pop up.
confession: I'm horny as fuck right now
it's killing me that I've got errands to run after work. if the bathroom is empty, I may end up having a quick wank on my way out of the office just so I can get through my errands without a raging hardon the whole time.
I can relate. When I was coming out (long before the internet age) I'd sneak into adult, and non-adult book stores and get gay "Personal Ads", and read them in awe... all the guys placing ads that were "available", and doing all the things I wanted to do - living that secret life.
And then there were all the ads for Porn video's, Porn Stars, Male hookers, ... Everyone of them absolutely perfect, and beautiful.
Those publications were my glimpse into the life/world I wanted, and had no clue how to enter. I hid them between my mattresses.
The magazines I had also had personal ads in the back, so I remember those as well. I remember seeing a lot of personal ads that ended with "your photo gets mine", and at least one ad that ended with the line "no fats, no femmes, no phonies". (That last bit became a running joke with me and my friends. One of us might say something like "Ugh, I'm going to need somebody to help me out with this", and I'd say "no fats no femmes no phonies?", to which he'd say "your photo gets mine".) Two full ads that I sort of remember were one for a guy who claimed to have a 10"-er who was simply looking for a guy to suck him off whenever he wanted it. "Qualifications include sucking for hours," it said. The other was a guy who also claimed to be 10 or 11 inches, who wanted to form some sort "support group" "for those of us who were extra blessed". No idea if he was sincere, or he just was trying to trick hung guys into contacting him.
There were separate sections for "models", "massage", and "escorts etc". All of them were strangely interconnected, as it seemed clear all of them were offering sexual services, and it was usually unclear where one category ended and the other began. There were very few photos, only descriptions, and some of them were downright bewildering, since it wasn't like there was a glossary there. I recall wondering what "$75 in/$85 out" meant. At first, I thought it meant he'd top for $75 and bottom for $85, but I finally decided it meant "$75 to do it at my place, $85 if I have to visit you".
I actively contemplated hiring one. I wasn't sure if I could coordinate having him show up at my dorm room around when my suitemates weren't home. And I wasn't sure what we'd DO, exactly. I thought I wanted to top, but something gave me a vague impression that he'd be telling ME what to do. And I thought about doing just that. "I don't know anything about this, so would you just teach me some stuff?" I'm wondering how he would've taken it, and if he would've actually patiently shown me how to do things. It would've been interesting, if something of a luxury given my student budget.
A guy who I thought just playfully racist- actually is a real 'racist?'
but since I dont know the whole story, so I better not judge yet- since he hasn't done anything wrong to me.
The ones I'm thinking of frequently showed a "model", whom for years I thought was a porn star. Years and years later I finally found a video of him, but it featured more of him solo, and his attempts at singing. I guess he wanted it all... Porn star, Model, singer... anything to "make it big" in any form of show business???
I fantasized about him for years. I thought he was absolutely beautiful... but his name escapes me at the moment. He was one of the typical pretty boys with black hair and blue eyes, and rather well endowed. I seem to think a picture often shown of him was on, or next to a 10 speed, naked. I'll probably wake up at 2am remembering his name... or 3 days from now.
OH OH OH!!! I remembered!
♥♥♥ I loved him...
I wish I could recall the magazines I had. They both had one-word titles - I'm pretty sure one was "Edge" but I can't recall the other one. And like you, I fell in lust with somebody I saw in one of them....never found out his name, though. It was a piece on an erotic photo exhibit that was opening in LA. It was a fairly fit guy on the beach, with an amazing ass that had sand clinging to it. That may have been the nail in the coffin for my heterosexuality, because dear GOD, I wanted that ass. I must have masturbated to that picture (or some variation of it in my mind) a hundred times.
I hate carbonated beverages. it's extremely rare for me to drink soda.
but every once in awhile, I enjoy a Dr Pepper because it reminds me of kissing the first guy I was ever in love with. he drank diet Dr Pepper by the gallon and always tasted like it when we kissed.
^^That's why I prefer freshly squeezed OJ or lemonade. Fruit Punch doesn't even taste like fruit.
I LOVE Fruit Punch Pop. I'd say it is my current most favorite. When I was younger, it was Grape in the top spot. Strawberry is my second fave.
I got started drinking it warm (room temp) as most of my jobs I've had there wasn't really any refrigeration, so I just got used to drinking warm pop... and a lot of the reasons why I drink the flavors that I do. Coke or Pepsi HAVE to be COLD.
I've set a new goal for myself: To make enough money to buy myself something nice for Christmas. I'm awful at achieving the goals I set for myself, so we'll see how this one goes.
Im actually packing right now, My rich aunt invited me out of the blue to accompany her family taking day off. If she's the one asked, I knew I dont need to spend a dime for commodities, she just taking care ALL. TBH, I dont like to.
Not her but Canada. I dont like go to Canada but since * the italic part, how can I refuse?
So Im gonna off for a day or two
I dont want to
So to be one of "those" people, I'm heading down to Georgia in January to meet up with a "pen pal" I have been talking to for about 8 months.
I just watched I Want Your Love and realized partway through that an acquaintance plays one of the main characters.
Well..for 2 days straight I got distracted from home decorating- black friday, my friend asked me to go out hunting items..I said NO! I wont be a black friday slut (actually traumatized by black firday 2010- I was tricked to buy a $90 boombox which actually a total waste) since then I wont please black friday forever!
But then my fuckfriend brought me to Big Load and there was happen ..to sale; a 3 layer rugs for $25!!!!
I was actually on my knees and cried
thank you black friday
^ Have you tried ordering stuff over the internet?
^I do..usually for stuff I dont need ASAP
or for rare stuff like my aquarium kit, etc
I feel terrible for being smitten by 3 taken guys and none of them are even close to me.