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  1. #1

    Advice please...

    Hi all,

    I recently came out to my family and friends in 2013, which was a disaster, but I have met an amazing guy that I'd like to date. The only problem is I don't know if he is gay or not. It just occurred to me that he might be bisexual. He has a very tight-knit group of friends, some are gay, some are straight, and there is also a girl that he has grown up with, but sometimes I think he might be in love with her.

    Bisexual guys can I ask, do any of you have a stronger preference for one or the other? If he is in love with the girl, but she isn't interested in him, might I still have a chance or is he likely to only want sex from a guy and a relationship and sex with a woman if he has a stronger preference for women? I really like him, and his friends are amazing too, so I don't want to be kicked to the curb by the entire group if I offend him.

    Thanks to anyone willing to give me advice.

  2. #2

    Re: Advice please...

    Okay, It looks like you have been out for less than 20 days so far from your letter. That is a very short time. You have met a group of friends that you want to remain friends with which includes this "amazing" guy. I would say you need to to concentrate on being friends with the group as a whole and get to know them and where they all stand and let him make the first move. You have just come out to them so they know what you are looking for. He apparently has not let it be known what he is interested in since you don't seem to know. Take some time to learn this group of friends and be yourself and be open to them. If he is interested in you as a bf I think you will find out pretty soon. If he is not, you have not ruined your chances of friendship with the group. Unless you want to make yourself an enemy to the members of this group, I think he must make the first move.
    As for your question .... if he is interested in you now that he knows you are out, anything could be possible and there is no set answer. Be patient. Good luck, you've only just begun!

  3. #3

    Re: Advice please...

    Thanks for the advice. You're probably right. His friends are very nice and really supportive, one of them "adopted" me, but they are very close and obviously they would choose him over me if the shit hits the fan. I am crushing on this guy so bad it is making me uncomfortable. I decided to take some time off work and go on vacation to get my mind off of everything. There has been nothing but stress since I came out to my family and friends. I just wish I knew what was up with him and the girl. My bff is a girl, and we've been friends forever, so I am driving myself crazy trying to figure out if this guy is just close with his bff like I am with mine, or if there is more there. Argh! You are so right, I really need to just back off and let him make the first move before I do something really stupid and make a fool out of myself.

    Thank you for the advice.

  4. #4
    JUB Addict pausanias_usa's Avatar
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    Re: Advice please...

    I'm all too familiar with "the crush," and it has taken me a long time to realize that emotions like that wreck havoc if not controlled.

    For one thing, it creates its own stress on any relationship, and being seen as "needy" like that by someone who doesn't feel the same way can lead to severe manipulation. To them it is a game; to you, serious.

    Disengage a bit from the group and find others to hang out with. Oddly enough, being distant actually makes them want you closer. Weird isn't it, how that works?

  5. #5

    Re: Advice please...

    Thanks. I think you're probably right, even though I'd rather just tell him how I feel and get it over with. I obviously can't.

    This is the first time I've allowed myself to actively like another man, and it is just my luck I ended up falling for the perfect guy for me. Now that I have met him and keep learning more about him it just gets worse. This part of my new life sucks, before, when I was in the closet, I never had to worry about these things because a relationship was out of the question. My entire life I have never had to worry about this kind of thing! What have I done to myself? I am not the type that falls for people easily, and I am not the type that is a hopeless romantic. This guy and his damn artwork, and his hot pictures, and perfect everything has driven me crazy. I have to take a break, you are so right.

  6. #6
    know mad
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    Jan 2013

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    Re: Advice please...

    I've had crushes go badly before. My perspective would be from the one who was being crushed on (that sounds kinky).
    For the most part I try not to be dick to people...that whole karma thing really can be a bitch sometimes. But I suppose to some I have been even without trying.

    I've had many dudes and chicks both lusting after my ass, probably has something to do with my eyes and my hair, apparently they're very pretty (whatever). The last crush was a chick from work who was not ugly, I just didn't have any feelings for her the way she had for me. But I eventually had to break off the friendship because I saw what merely just being around her was doing to her.

    She confessed she was in love with me and wanted to jump my bones etc so every time she was even near me, it was like a ticking time bomb. She had a hard time controlling herself, she would always cry after I left or go in the bathroom and cry if we were out somewhere and she started to become very depressed. She also started to do alot of crazy shit I won't get into, but long story short, it was not healthy for anyone and I realized ending the friendship was the only viable option because I couldn't force myself to have the same feelings she had for me.

    It was sad because she really was a cool chick and I thought of her as a sister. I always wondered if I had spent more time with her maybe I would have started to develop feelings for her. But in the end she just really was not my type and she exhibited all the signs of a crazy chick so I knew what being in a relationship with her would have been on very short leash tied to a choke chain, occasionally handcuffed to the bed (picture Kathy Bates from Misery if you can)

    My thoughts if you really care, would be to keep your emotions in check, find something to keep you grounded when your mind starts to get all fluttery (JUB, your bff). Try to step back and look at this dude as a person, not as an object of desire. I would agree with others regarding befriending his whole crew, try to become "part of the gang". As for the dude, one of the greatest gifts you can give him is brotherhood. Just be there if he needs someone to talk to, be open to letting him trust you and above all treat him with respect. Guys want that from other dudes, trust and respect, not having to explain his actions or have him think you are second guessing him or questioning his motives or actions etc (unless he's carrying a bloody axe and knocking on your door at 2am wanting to hang out).

    Play it cool on your part and build that trust and respect with him and his crew and in no time you may have a deep emotional brotherly bond with him that can open the doors for a deeper connection and trust level with you where something may happen and he may tell you a shit load of stuff you didn't know about him. Try not to focus so much on yourself and what you want, consider just getting to know this dude and his friends for who they are, not for what he can do for you sexually or romantically.

    Meanwhile come to this site to vent all your lustful frustrations and get to you know your hands very very well.

    If you're still reading this....well wow, good for you.

  7. #7

    Re: Advice please...

    I see your point. I don't want him to feel like an object. I do genuinely like this guy, and I obviously don't want to be creepy. Thank you for the advice, you obviously put effort into it, and I appreciate that you took the time. I needed to hear what all of you have said to me in this thread, because I am/was losing my mind over this guy. I'm going to shut down the computer, turn off the tablets, and phones, and go mellow out somewhere.

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