I have not been on this site in a long time. I am 31 years old, only done very safe stuff with other guys (oral with condoms, mutual masturbation). Back in October I met a guy and began to feel extremely guilty after mutual masturbation and protected oral. This has been a constant problem with anyone I have met. I just feel like I am at a crossroads in my life and feel so alone. Most nights I cry myself to sleep in the pillow. Who am I? Thinking about rather I am gay or not leads to feelings of anxiety and depression.
Having kids is something I wanted with a nice house and proud grandparents (my parents). Back in November I went over to my parents and they asked what the problem was. I told them that I had a sexual encounter with another man that was just mutual masturbation and protected oral sex (it was). I was crying and all upset and went on to explain that it was a one time thing. My father has leukemia is a devot Catholic and my mom was severly injured in a accident...both of them I am very close with.
The guilt from all of this is just killing me. How could I be so selfish? I have since put a stop to everything. I don't look at gay porn or think of men at all. It's like I am a robot anymore with just loneliness, anxiety, guilt and depression. I can no longer in good conscious say that being gay is what is right for me but I also can not date a woman and lie to her...so where does that leave me? Alone.