I'm not really sure how to put what I'm feeling into words, but I'm going to try. Last night I went over to my best friend's house, and we both got drunk. I slept on his couch, while he went and slept with his girlfriend. This is not the first time this has happened...and I just start feeling really, really left out. In a way, I want that - somebody to sleep with, and to spend time with, but in other ways, I don't. (and when I say sleep with I mean sleep, not sex)
Part of me looks at that and think it's great, my friend and his girlfriend seem so happy together. I'm 27 and I've never had a serious relationship, with a girl or boy. I want somebody to just be happy with, and share my life with. I just want to be normal.
On the other hand, I "don't" want that. I don't want somebody else sleeping in my bed. I don't really want the same person around 24/7/365. I stop and think for a minute about what could possibly make me happy, if I could have anything in the world, and I don't know. I sure as hell don't want a girlfriend...but I don't really want a boyfriend either.
Don't get me wrong...I'm gay, I have sex with dudes and I like it. I guess I just feel really weird about being affectionate with another guy. I feel almost like a straight guy in that regard. Somehow I still feel like I am missing something, like I could be happier doing something different than I am now.
Has anybody else ever felt like this? I feel like I'm only half gay. Something doesn't compute here. I feel bad about it...but what the fuck do I do? What do I really want? I really do not want to still be alone by the time I am 30, but I don't think I can even fathom having a boyfriend...