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  1. #1

    Valentine's Day Surprise Visit - Romantic, or Annoying?

    Hey! I'm in USA, and my new boyfriend lives in Mexico. He works long hours, and helps care for a bedridden relative in the evenings. We've only spent time together twice in the last few months, and it comes with lots of planning and advance notice.

    I'm planning a surprise visit to see him for Valentine's Day week. I love the idea of showing up unexpected in another country, last minute, to share this special day with him... But I am not sure if it will be a wonderful surprise, or just stressful and inconvenient.

    The plan: Have his friends invite him to lunch or a "guys night out" on the day I arrive, to get him to a certain place at a certain time. He turns a corner and sees me, happy tears and hugs ensue, followed by a wonderful surprise week together. While he's at work, I get to explore the city. When he's needed at home, I can go with him, or take bubble baths in the hotel until he's free.

    The downside: It might be hard for him to schedule free time with me, with no notice. What if he declines his friends' invite, ruining the surprise? Or what if he happens to be swamped with work that week, or his family isn't able to help out much at home? Will he feel guilty and obligated to spend all his time with me, or stressed/distracted at work knowing I'm waiting to see him each evening?

    Looking for some advice... Is the romantic scurry to change plans and make time worth that wonderful moment when I surprise him in person? Or is it better to take the wind out of the sails and tell him NOW that I will get to see him in a month? Will our flowers, dinners, long walks and cuddling be as romantic if it's all planned out in advance?

  2. #2
    AshyPhoenix
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    Re: Valentine's Day Surprise Visit - Romantic, or Annoying?

    No, no, no. This is not a good way to make a first impression in person. However, even if it's not the first time you two are meeting, think of it this way; your best friend from college shows up at your front door with absolutely no notice and asks if he can stay for a week. Would you be comfortable with this? Would you be okay with re-jigging your entire life for that week so you could accommodate a really good friend just dropping in?

    In this particular situation, it's an even worse idea; he seems to have a lot of extremely important commitments that can't he can't get out of at the drop of a hat, and the fact that it's an international flight is even more troubling; what if something, anything, goes wrong? You're either stranded for a week or else you'll have to shell out an exorbitant amount for same-day plane fare.

    You have no choice but to tell him. It's really the only respectful thing to do.

  3. #3

    Re: Valentine's Day Surprise Visit - Romantic, or Annoying?

    This wouldn't be a "first" impression, we've been dating for almost a year. And goodness no, I'm not planning to show up at his family's house. They have no room for me. I'll be in a hotel. My question isn't so much about accommodation, but more about the stress of knowing your boyfriend is suddenly in town for a week, hanging about the city because you're too busy to spend a lot of time with him.

    But I definitely understand what you are saying. There are a lot more opportunities for romantic activities that week if we take the time to plan it together, in advance. I guess I just love the fantasy of that magical moment when he sees me in person by surprise.
    Last edited by MVincent; January 13th, 2013 at 02:33 AM.

  4. #4
    Last Chance Jubber justsimon's Avatar
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    Re: Valentine's Day Surprise Visit - Romantic, or Annoying?

    I'd tell him. I understand the romantic gesture, but as someone who doesn't really like surprises, I would want to know in advance. That way he'll have enough notice to make some time for you.

  5. #5
    AshyPhoenix
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    Re: Valentine's Day Surprise Visit - Romantic, or Annoying?

    Quote Originally Posted by MVincent View Post
    This wouldn't be a "first" impression, we've been dating for almost a year. And goodness no, I'm not planning to show up at his family's house. They have no room for me. I'll be in a hotel. My question isn't so much about accommodation, but more about the stress of knowing your boyfriend is suddenly in town for a week, hanging about the city because you're too busy to spend a lot of time with him.

    But I definitely understand what you are saying. There are a lot more opportunities for romantic activities that week if we take the time to plan it together, in advance. I guess I just love the fantasy of that magical moment when he sees me in person by surprise.
    Okay, but there's this, too:

    Would you be okay with re-jigging your entire life for that week so you could accommodate a really good friend boyfriend just dropping in?
    I did glean that you're going to be staying in a hotel, and that's great. You just can't expect him to suddenly make a week of free time for you; if you drop in without warning him, he's going to have other, very important things planned that he won't be able to get out of. This will lead to you resenting him for "not making enough time for us", even if he spends every single spare moment with you, because the simple fact that the average man who works long hours and then cares for a sick relative doesn't have any spare time to begin with.

    Another thing that really worries me is that you believe meeting in person is the same as meeting online. Trust me when I say it's not. I was in a long-distance relationship for nine months, and while we chatted online for two or three months before meeting, seeing him in person and dealing with his physical presence was much more difficult (though absolutely fulfilling) than simply IMing with him. This is because you can't just close his conversation and talk to him at your convenience; he's there, he's going to want a lot more of your focus than words on a screen can provide, and it's going to take a lot of adjusting (even if you are staying in a hotel). This can be minimised by planning things out. In my own case, if he had dropped in unannounced I would've been extremely unhappy with him and it would've soured the rest of our relationship, despite the fact that we had spent a fairly decent length of time chatting online (probably 8+ hours every day for 3 months).

  6. #6
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    Re: Valentine's Day Surprise Visit - Romantic, or Annoying?

    The above are excellent comments. However your plan strikes me as unconsidered and selfish. Why not plan ahead for time together -- without stressors?

  7. #7
    ecce homo rareboy's Avatar
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    Re: Valentine's Day Surprise Visit - Romantic, or Annoying?

    I would do as Palbert and the others have suggested.

    Surprise visits only work in novels and the movies.

  8. #8
    AshyPhoenix
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    Re: Valentine's Day Surprise Visit - Romantic, or Annoying?

    Quote Originally Posted by MVincent View Post
    Hey! I'm in USA, and my new boyfriend lives in Mexico. He works long hours, and helps care for a bedridden relative in the evenings. We've only spent time together twice in the last few months, and it comes with lots of planning and advance notice.
    Okay, I missed this part. I've been up for 30 straight hours. My apologies. The fact that it's not your very first meeting invalidates a portion of my previous post.

    However, you can't disregard the fact that he's an incredibly busy person. I have a very good friend who's an IT manager, and he seems to be just as busy as your partner (he's in the office from 9-7 every day, and then has a vast multitude of personal projects and other commitments). If he were my partner and if I lived in another city, and I showed up here in town with no notice and asked him to make as much time for me as possible, he could probably squeeze half an hour a day out of his schedule for me. The same is probably true for your partner, especially considering the work and family commitments he won't be able to get out of without notice.

  9. #9
    loki81
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    Re: Valentine's Day Surprise Visit - Romantic, or Annoying?

    I'll agree with the above that it's probably a better idea in movies than reality, unless he just happens to be someone with a ton of free time (which it doesn't sound like).

    I'd feel like such shit if my hypothetical boyfriend randomly showed up on my doorstep out of the blue and my week was already filled solid with work and family obligations... OTOH, with proper notice I'd be thrilled to have an excuse to make sure I'm free for a week in advance.

  10. #10
    Respira MissAnne's Avatar
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    Re: Valentine's Day Surprise Visit - Romantic, or Annoying?

    Quote Originally Posted by justsimon View Post
    I'd tell him. I understand the romantic gesture, but as someone who doesn't really like surprises, I would want to know in advance. That way he'll have enough notice to make some time for you.
    Yeah I agree. You should probably tell him.

    If he is as busy as you say he is, it will be difficult to find the time to spend together.
    " For all there is to feel, let it be felt"
    ― Emeli Sande

  11. #11
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    Re: Valentine's Day Surprise Visit - Romantic, or Annoying?

    Your questions indicate (to me anyway) that you do not know him well enough to know if the surprise would be welcome or not.
    If this is true, plan it out with him ahead of time. While the look of delight you might see on his face when you surprise him would be wonderful, the rest of the week would pretty much be the same whether your surprise him or plan it out.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

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