Am I Wrong?

[Kien]

I'll try to make this short(failed I think..)

So I've been talking to this guy(we'll call him John) for 2 years or so. I really like him, he really likes me, we both know it. I live in Maryland, he lives in New York(about 4 and a half hours away). We visit each other often(once or twice a month).

John is insecure, he admits that. He sometimes gets paranoid when I'm out with my friends. Of course, I like him and am able to look past it and I try to help him with it too. When I'm out, he jokingly asks questions like "Are you touching other guys inappropriately!?" or "Whose dick are you sucking!?" and stuff like that. But I know it's not so jokingly, as they are questions just to get reassurance that I'm not cheating on him. I sometimes get annoyed, but I just deal with it anyways.

We haven't been too happy with each other recently and here's why:

So a couple of weeks ago, I was hanging out with some local friends. John knows I'm hanging out with them, he's fine with it. He texts me, I text him back two or three times. He responds and I don't respond till I'm done hanging out(which is 5 hours later). He gets really upset because it took me 5 hours to respond to him.

But I feel really rude(and sometimes lame) when I text while I'm hanging out with other people. I came there to spend time with them, not to be hooked on my phone. I'll text when I get the chance and when it's least rude to do so, like if someone goes to the bathroom or leaves the room for some reason.

Fast forward to a week ago, John came down to visit me. We had lunch, then went bowling. John was up to bowl, so I open my phone and text my friend once and he gets all angry. The rest of the day is completely fine.

Another issue he has with me is the time I arrive home. When I hang out with John(when he visits me), I usually leave at 10:45(30 minute drive home). I do live with my parents, so I don't want to be out all night. Yesterday, I went to the sportsplex to play volleyball and I told him that it ended at 11:30 and he got all mad, saying I only stay out late when it's not with him. But it's only a 45 minute difference.

Anyways, with both these issues, he says that I treat him differently than I do with my friends. He says there's a double standard and that I place value time with my friends more than I value time with him. But I think this is completely ridiculous and I always get upset with his self-pitying attitude, saying "Oh I'm not as important as your friends or volleyball" or stuff like that. It seems like he's always hanging something over my head or holding a grudge against me, and I'm not happy with it.

So my question is am I wrong? Am I being insensitive or is he just being irrational? I honestly believe I've done nothing wrong, yet I'm always being put on the defense because he's always accusing me of valuing others/things more than him or cheating on him. So if I am doing something wrong, please do tell. I'd rather not let a 2 year "thing" go to shit because of my faults. Thanks

[sapphire]

You haven't done anything wrong. Like you said, he's insecure. He's going to over-think everything that you and other people do. He's clearly jealous when you hang out with other people. That may not only be because you're out with friends, but also because he isn't out with his own friends. From the sound of it, you're his best friend and he may not have many other friends himself. That's why he wants to have you all to himself.

You're allowed to have a life. Some nights last longer than others. He shouldn't be offended if you stay out longer one night than you did with him.

As far as the cell phone goes, if you explained the situation to him about how you don't want to be rude while around friends, he may want that same treatment in return when you're with him. Try to keep your phone in your pocket while you're with him. I personally don't think it was a big deal during the bowling scene since he was busy trying to knock the pins over anyways and not sitting down and talking to you, but clearly it means something to him so just show him the respect he wants.

[Rolyo85]

The way you describe it, it's all on him. His insecurity is a problem, and a huge one that nobody will be able to tolerate in the long run. The fact that you've posted this topic shows you are at the end of your patience as well.

He needs to understand - perhaps as simple as telling him directly - that if you want to cheat on him, you will, and there is no amount of checking up on you that can change that. And so it's his choice to either trust you and stop trying to monitor you, or choose to not deal with his fears and get the fuck out. Because relationships don't work with suspicion, they only work with trust.

He also can't micromanage your personal time. If you've stayed up late with people - later than with him - then it just happened and that's that. Your relationship with him IS different and there SHOULD be a double standard, because one is friendship and the other is a romantic connection. However, people don't like feeling followed by Big Brother. You don't owe him more attention than you're willing to give him, and the more he demands, the more any sane person will pull back. So, basically, you should tell him to take some scissors and cut it the fuck out, or call it off.

Insecurity is the bane of intimacy.


The only allowance I would make is the bowling situation and the phone. I am not fanatical about not being on the phone when with others, but even though he was trying to play, maybe he felt like you weren't sharing the moment with him, like he was there alone because you weren't paying attention.

[Kien]

You haven't done anything wrong. Like you said, he's insecure. He's going to over-think everything that you and other people do. He's clearly jealous when you hang out with other people. That may not only be because you're out with friends, but also because he isn't out with his own friends. From the sound of it, you're his best friend and he may not have many other friends himself. That's why he wants to have you all to himself.

You're allowed to have a life. Some nights last longer than others. He shouldn't be offended if you stay out longer one night than you did with him.

As far as the cell phone goes, if you explained the situation to him about how you don't want to be rude while around friends, he may want that same treatment in return when you're with him. Try to keep your phone in your pocket while you're with him. I personally don't think it was a big deal during the bowling scene since he was busy trying to knock the pins over anyways and not sitting down and talking to you, but clearly it means something to him so just show him the respect he wants.

He has some friends, at least enough to fill up his weekends with dinners, bars, brunches, and the like. He has been cheated on twice before, so maybe that's where his insecurities originated?

In regards to the bowling situation, in hindsight, it was pretty hypocritical and disrespectful of me to do that in front of him(well behind him, but ya know what I mean).

The way you describe it, it's all on him. His insecurity is a problem, and a huge one that nobody will be able to tolerate in the long run. The fact that you've posted this topic shows you are at the end of your patience as well.

He needs to understand - perhaps as simple as telling him directly - that if you want to cheat on him, you will, and there is no amount of checking up on you that can change that. And so it's his choice to either trust you and stop trying to monitor you, or choose to not deal with his fears and get the fuck out. Because relationships don't work with suspicion, they only work with trust.

He also can't micromanage your personal time. If you've stayed up late with people - later than with him - then it just happened and that's that. Your relationship with him IS different and there SHOULD be a double standard, because one is friendship and the other is a romantic connection. However, people don't like feeling followed by Big Brother. You don't owe him more attention than you're willing to give him, and the more he demands, the more any sane person will pull back. So, basically, you should tell him to take some scissors and cut it the fuck out, or call it off.

Insecurity is the bane of intimacy.


The only allowance I would make is the bowling situation and the phone. I am not fanatical about not being on the phone when with others, but even though he was trying to play, maybe he felt like you weren't sharing the moment with him, like he was there alone because you weren't paying attention.

It is true that my patience is dying down, but I really want to be able to work things out. I feel that I might be stuck in my own perspective, so I made this thread just to fix my faults if I had any.

What I do find interesting is that he recognizes his insecurities and recognizes that some of his thoughts are irrational, but the thoughts still linger and feels the need to get reassurance.

But honestly, sometimes I don't want to go out just so he doesn't have to deal with being paranoid and so I don't have to deal with defending myself. And for the past few days, our conversations start out very pleasantly, but immediately goes downhill because he compares the time I spend with my friends to the time I spend with him. And when he always brings that up, I just stop talking to him cause I get so annoyed.

But I'm afraid to break things off. There's just a lot of history

[Seasoned]

His insecurity will eventually drive you away and he needs to know that.

If he can wait 5 hours to get a return text from you so can your other friends.

If you can stay out until 11:30 to play volleyball why can't you do the same when you're with him?

On the other hand, be careful not to second guess everything you do. There's no hidden agenda if there's no hidden agenda.

There's an adage I learned and it's something the two of you could both benefit from. "If it's good for you, it's good for the relationship."

[The lad of night]

you put up with that for two years so far!? You sir have the patience of a saint.
In my opinion, it sounds like your boyfriend has a few abandonment issues> maybe try asserting your feelings directly would work?
Its better to tell him off now -before you lose it and go all apeshit on him when he finally takes it too far because everyone has a breaking point. try not to sound too angry, but let him have it ( sternly not emotionally)

[KaraBulut]

So my question is am I wrong? Am I being insensitive or is he just being irrational? I honestly believe I've done nothing wrong, yet I'm always being put on the defense because he's always accusing me of valuing others/things more than him or cheating on him. So if I am doing something wrong, please do tell. I'd rather not let a 2 year "thing" go to shit because of my faults. Thanks

No one is "right" or "wrong" in these situations.

The underlying issue is that there's a troublesome set of behaviors that neither of you is confronting or trying to change.

The guy is jealous and possessive. But after 2 years of this, you have to make a decision whether the good aspects of this relationship balance out or exceed the bad.

You also have to make a decision about whether it's going to change. The long distance aspect of this dilutes the intensity of the situation. Could you imagine yourself dealing with his level of insecurity on a daily basis? Do you think it's ever going to change?

If you're asking "No, I could never deal with this on a daily basis and I don't think it's ever going to change", then you're in a relationship that will probably not work and your time could be better spent with someone else.

[Ganoderma]

It is true that my patience is dying down, but I really want to be able to work things out. (...). But honestly, sometimes I don't want to go out just so he doesn't have to deal with being paranoid and so I don't have to deal with defending myself. And for the past few days, our conversations start out very pleasantly, but immediately goes downhill because he compares the time I spend with my friends to the time I spend with him. And when he always brings that up, I just stop talking to him cause I get so annoyed. (...). But I'm afraid to break things off. There's just a lot of history.

hi Kien,

It seems to me that you don't consider him as your boyfriend. So he is one of your friends (be it a gay one, and a guy you like very much), and I tend to think that he is indeed an important friend for you. However, I agree with you that this does not mean that he can 'claim' you, so he can decide what you are doing, and with what kind of people / friends you are socializing, etc.

I agree with others that his insecurity is the main cause of the current problems. Seasoned is right, there is no hidden agenda when you don't have a hidden agenda. Trust in each other is essential in such a relationship you have with him, and it seems to me that your issues with this trusting each other (at least his trust in you) is bothering you.

So its your life, filled with him, with playing volleyball, with living together in one house in harmony with your family and with all of your other friends. I think you should really consider to re-think about your friendship with him, and about the way how you would like to be friends with each other. In my opinion, people in your situation (so you and 'John') cannot claim each other. I mean, he is not your boyfriend, and you also don't tell us you want to spend the rest of your life together with him (or something like that). And you are right: its very annoying that you must defend yourself to him about your whereabouts. Things just don't work like that for friends who have a good friendship with each other. Real good friends accept from each other that both of them have their own private life.

On the other hand, I can also imagine myself very well that you don't want to break off things (because of the past). Very likely, you are not anymore the same Kien as the Kien of 2 years back, and the same might as well be true for him (or not). No way its fair that he can compare the time spend with you to the time you spend with your friends / playing volleyball / etc. He is not your boyfriend (at least you don't have indicated that this is the case).

Am I allowed to ask you why you are afraid to break things off? How do you see the future / a future friendship with him, when he is unable to change his mind about this topic?

Feel free to react, and I would like to wish you all the best.