The purpose of this post is more of a personal thing to get things straight in my head than anything else. But I would appreciate your opinions, let me know if i'm insane or anything lol, you guys are so nice - I know (hope) you'll come back with some good advice/reassurance.
Sooooo where to begin. I am 20 years old, out to my friends but not to my family. I feel a little bit ashamed of that fact. I live away from home at university so I can get away with it lol. My parents love me, I know that. Without a doubt. But i've never really felt able to talk to them about really personal stuff without being judged. Is judged the right word? Probably not. But that's what it feels like. Not so much with my mum, she's easy going and loves me unconditionally, which I'm sure is the same for my dad, but it's the little things he says that worry me. Casually referring to something as 'puffter' or pulling a face when I do anything that's even slightly camp. I can even remember things from years and years ago when I was young that, whenever I think about coming out to them, come screaming back, putting me off. I must've been around 12, and I can remember an uncle saying to my dad that his son (my cousin) hadn't had a girlfriend for a long time, and my aunty said 'maybe he's gay' and my dad said something along the lines of 'no one in our family is gay', implying that it's a bad thing.
Don't get me wrong - I know 100% that there is nothing wrong with being gay. I have a lot of gay friends. I can be myself around them, and it feels great. I feel free. I don't have to think about what i'm saying, how i'm behaving. I'm happier around my friends. At home it feels, formal. I'm a different person when I'm around my family - my friends have said so to me before. And I hate it. I want to be completely open and honest and not feel under scrutiny. I can remember an occasion where I was staying over a girlfriend's house (all of my friends are girls by the way, well 90% of them. Probably something to do with the fact that when I'm around an even slightly attractive male I feel like the whole world is looking at me, he's judging me, he knows i'm thinking about him, all that crap) and we were messing around, and she uploaded pictures of me in a wig and girls pink top. We were having such a laugh, and I got a text from mum, really angry, demanding that she take the pictures down. The words she used were: 'what will people think of you'. I hate that. Really. I honestly do not care what people think of me, but I care what my parents think of me.
I try to think ahead, when i've got past all this insecurity and have found myself a nice man and am happy, and it makes me cringe to think of being intimate with a man in front of my family. Not like, sex or anything, just like holding hands or cuddling. It makes me feel squirmy. Embarrassed. Definitely embarrassed. And it makes me sad because I honestly can not ever see me being like that around my family. Happy, in other words.
Wow that took a dark turn!! Apologies - just trying to lay it all out.
I know the word 'gay' is thrown around by people all the time. And what they mean is that something is 'bad' or 'rubbish'. They don't mean (most of the time) that to be gay is actually bad. I do it myself, as a joke. Irony and all that. But I guess when you've gone through school and its thrown at you several times a week for a few years, as in my case, it can sink in? Even to the point where (I can't remember the exact details now) your own mother comes to you and says 'we'll love you no matter what you are'. The perfect opportunity to come out, no? Not when you're about 12/13 and don't have a clue what you are. My mum's words on those days still give me chills. Why? I don't know. I don't consider myself to have been bullied, but i'm sure it plays a part in why I feel so awkward around this topic. Even now, I have to use an anonymous website to really talk about how I feel, and that makes me feel even worse. I'm the sort of person that has a lot of friends, but not really a best friend (heaven forbid a boyfriend!!!!) so I don't really feel like I can talk to someone face to face about all this.
So why start talking about it now? I've recently had my first experience with another guy, which is really lame lol, but bear with me. So I was in a gay club (love gay clubs by the way - not many of my friends do, but I soak it all up. I feel great, unchained) and a guy comes up to me, asking for a dance. Most of my friends were out in the smoking area so I thought yeah why not!! It feels so exciting to have some genuine male attention. After a while, he starts kissing my neck. Ok now for the cringey bit. Don't judge me! So like I said - first real gay experience lol. Instant hard-on. Ahhhh lol. Silly me. The guy was fine about it, loved it in fact - he pressed on with increased fervour. Then I don't know what went wrong. I was enjoying myself, but I just started panicking. Cold, clammy hands and stuff - I literally started shaking. I felt horrible!! Still hard as anything lol, it was most confusing feeling so ambivalent. The guy didn't seem to notice, but I pushed him off me (nicely, not a shove or anything!) and just mumbled about needing to find my friends and ran away. Literally. I feel so sorry for the guy, he must've thought I was a right dick. Didn't get his number or anything and haven't seen him since to apologise. After I ran away, I went straight to the bar, and ordered as many drinks I could for what was left in my wallet, getting so drunk my friends had to bring me home and I was very sick. Classy eh. To this day I've never been able to approach another guy that I thought was hot, no matter how certain I was of his sexuality, and even when my friends think they're being helpful and just go up to him anyway on my behalf (it's only happened two or three times) I'll panic and run away. Literally.
Even now, when enjoying some alone time (if you know what I mean), I'm partial to using camsites, and as soon as things get interesting, i'll start shaking. Without warning and without fail. I just carry on like normal, and as soon as I reach completion (lol) i'll calm down and stop shaking. I don't feel panicked or sad or angry or anything but excitement. Weird I know. But i'm thinking to myself, what if that happens when I eventually build up the courage to be with another man. What will he think?!
This is normality to me. I do not feel hard done by, or angry about my situation. These feelings of insecurity and sadness are part of my life. I'm not an unhappy person though on the outside. I'm not this gothic recluse that worships the devil and hides in my bedroom, never wanting to go outside. I'm a really nice person, I have lots of friends, I work hard at uni and most people would see me as the the comic - the person most likely to make them laugh. It's only when I'm alone with my thoughts that things go weird and blah like this.
I know what people will say if they actually can stomach reading all of this, and that it starts with coming out. Properly. But have you ever had to do something that fills you with dread, makes you feel sick, you break out in cold sweats, become angry with yourself, because you can't do it? I genuinely feel like I could stay like this forever. My parents unaware of who I really am, me never feeling happy around them and being unable to be intimate with another man.
Ok i've gone on long enough now. Looking at this makes me feel very sad. I've never laid it out like this before. If I were reading this about someone else, I would think wow that person's life sucks!! They must feel awful. But I honestly don't - i'm happy most of the time. Or so I thought...? Anyway. Thanks for sticking with me if you've read this. Thoughts and opinions appreciated.