It has been a while since i have posted on here, but i thought since its the start of a new year i could actually make this year count in some sort of way.
I can't help but feel that since i cheated things are just slowly disappearing in to uncertainty. I admitted my wrong doings and left it up to him in what he wanted to do and gave him the space he needed. But he said he still wanted to be with me, so i guess that was his decision. In all i felt sad and annoyed; annoyed that i didn't realize i had strong feelings for another guy and denied it for a very long time, but i also miss him a little. My BF said that if we were to be together again or at least give it another shot then id have to stop being friends with the other guy, i said that was understandable and began to try make things right and said my apologies to the other guy and haven't spoken to him since.
Since then i just kind of just of questioned what is really important to me and i have just spent time with friends and gone out with them and just enjoyed myself as well as help them. they said it was nice to see the old me again, and i kind of agreed with them. it has been nice. i have also tried to make myself better in different ways such as sort out my phone amongst other things and get rid of all the numbers which could be potentially problematic and just generally clean up my act and just be a good boyfriend.
Things with my boyfriend have been a little better and had a nice Christmas and new year with him and just recently got him a calender for 2013 as a little surprise as hes been ill and haddnt gotten a chance to replace his old one, yet i just feel like their is just something wrong. its that gut feeling that usually ends up being right which worries me. as to what it is i dunno, it could just be me as i still feel guilty possibly or maybe in the long term i think he just wants something more. some part of me things hes not really changed, or i dunno. i think its possibly myself as well.
i came to the decision that i just want to go back to the way i was before i did all this sleezyness with hookups/apps/websites just everything in general really. i just dont want anything to do with that life style anymore. i see some of my best friends getting engaged or going abroad to live with the other half and they all just seem to be really happy - almost fairy tale like .... i think i want a simple year this year, less complicated less drama less hurtful and just more about building my college grades, friends and just re building my self confidence as well as having a real understanding in who i want to be, while having a better relationship with my BF.
i can't help but feel that with my university applications it sets the standards of what will happen next - i can see me moving quite far and i dont think my BF could do with that as he has other responsibility... does that mean a long distance ? as well as him potentially wanting something more than just monogamy ... which i fear we could want the exact opposite.
i just kind of want to stop feeling guilty and move on, but i dunno how to.. i just kind of want a happy ending concerning my future career prospects as well as love life... i think i want my happy ending with him, but that just scares me. what exactly do i do?
am i just over thinking things?
I know this is a long post and i appreciate all the replies i might get, i dont want anyone to hold back, and give me honesty.