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  1. #1

    Upstairs brain vs downstairs brain (re: cheating, bisex)

    Hi guys,

    I'm in my early twenties, have a wonderful long-term girlfriend of 1 year, currently studying medicine, have a number of enjoyable hobbies, and good friends. When I'm not in sex-mode I feel that my life is going well, that is I feel like I'm on my way to meeting my life goals. Yet there is also another side of me which says to go out and fuck random women, explore my bisexuality, to have fun with life and not to get caught up in the 'american dream'.

    I feel like these two worlds are beginning to collide and it is causing me alot of distress. The last three times I've been out in the past month I've woken up ashamed of myself the next morning. The first time I ended up cuddling with a cute girl in the car whilst she sucked my fingers. I told the driver (a friend) to get me out of the situation which she fortunately did. The second time a girl came upto me in a bar, started talking to me, kissed me and bought me a number of drinks. I went along, kissed her back and took her home to my apt. When we got there we went through the pre-sex routine: champagne, jacuzi etc. Again, I realised what I was doing and got out of the jacuzi and went to bed. The third time, and I feel this is the worst, I was heavily flirting and cuddling with my girlfriend's best friend. She was saying things like 'you seem like you're the perfect man' - it was definitely crossing boundries.

    I think at the heart of the issue is insecurity. Before I got with my girlfriend I was consistently working out, hanging out with friends, and flirting with women. I've recently lost a bit of motivation to go to the gym and to look after myself which I think has been a big cause of my recent deviance as I definitely more self concious and feel the need to be 'desired' by women. Also, these women that I've had the opportunities with have been a fair bit more attractive (8-9/10) than my girlfriend (7/10) which doesn't help. Yet my logical side looks at my relationship with my girlfriend and urges me to stay. She's young, sweet, foreign (Swedish), an excellent cook, great in bed (blows me twice a day ), sane, great to talk to, educated, and very intelligent. In other words, she's what I would consider to be wife material. I know I shouldn't be throwing this relationship away for a few cheap thrills yet my male urges are just so strong at times that I'm often lead to the dark side.

    Further, I've been tempted by a number of young hot couples who have offered to let me join in for a MMF threesome. I'm definitely bi and would love to try this, but it seems like that after I've had sex with a man that I'll be opening up a can of worms which could seriously jeaprodise my ability to hold down a hetero relationship in the future and remain faithful to my future wife.

    TLDR: Great girlfriend (wife material), but feel like I want to sleep with other people and explore bisex. Open relationship not an option but she is apparently open to FFM .

    Any advice or personal experiences with similar issues? Really, at the moment I feel like I'd be better off cutting my dick off. It would save me from a hell of a lot of problems. lol

  2. #2
    JUB Addict
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    Feb 2008
    Beware the deepity.

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    Re: Upstairs brain vs downstairs brain (re: cheating, bisex)

    1. If you met her on your 32nd birthday after enjoying all the things your sexual curiosity wants you to do, would we even be having this discussion or would you be eagerly enjoying your twice-daily blowjobs with a head full of happy memories?

    2. Is she also in her early 20s? Did it occur to you that she might be thinking the same thing? "Wow. I've found the guy I want to be with. I'm 100% happy with that but I always thought I would have a chance to try more things with different people before I settled down. Weird. Sad? Hmmmm…."

    People who meet in their early 20s and seem like a really good match need to balance two very difficult things. First, realise your sexuality is alive and growing, and that a good relationship has to make that possible for both of you. Second, don't throw away a good thing.

    Just because you have fantasies that go beyond your relationship now does not make you a bad person or a bad boyfriend. You imagine fucking other women and blowing other guys. Probably, she does to. Hopefully, she does too. The fact that you're young and have some sexual creativity (hopefully both of you) is very powerful and it should be able to serve your relationship. It doesn't mean you're too young for a life-long commitment; she really could be the one. It doesn't mean you have to give up on monogamy. But don't waste the sexual creativity each of you has because neither of you finds the courage to share it with each other.

  3. #3
    Execuvette Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Aug 2011
    Boystown, Chicago

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    Re: Upstairs brain vs downstairs brain (re: cheating, bisex)

    Well, for starters, it took me two thirds of your post to figure out if you're male or female, because you talk about exploring bisexuality, but then only mention women

    Anyway, I have no experience with this (Kinsey 6 here), but I can only tell you that if you're bi, "the gay" will not infect you, should you try some same sex stuff. And if it does, then you weren't bi to begin with, but you seem to be confident in that, so I'm not questioning it The only relevant topic here is cheating, and it's a matter of personal morality. In the end, we all know it's bad and we shouldn't do it, but we are our only watchman, so...
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
    - Gene Wolfe

  4. #4
    cuidado com o mau-olhado JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Dec 2007

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    Re: Upstairs brain vs downstairs brain (re: cheating, bisex)

    There's a couple of interesting things about your post. Most of it is in passive voice- like it's the other women's fault, it's the liquor, it's the stress and it's your bi-curiosity.

    No one twisted your arm. You did these things willingly. So far, you've had a moment of sanity and you've stopped... at the last minute... before going all the way. But in some ways, you've already cheated (why were you in these situations without your girlfriend to begin with?). You just didn't get your dick wet (except for the jacuzzi incident).

    The question that you need to ask yourself is whether you're mature enough to make the kind of commitment that is required here. If you can't say, "Yes, I'm ready to make a commitment", then no matter what advice we give you, you're going to "accidentally" end up making out with other women or having a sausagefest with a guy/couple.

    If on the other hand, you're ready to make a commitment to what sounds like the perfect woman, maybe it's time that you had a heart-to-heart with her about how you're feeling, your insecurity about yourself, your bicuriosity and your feelings about being worthy of this relationship. Maybe you need some time apart to get yourself together, get back into shape and to think about things.

    Either way, don't expect this girl to wait on you or give you a second chance. And if you do fuck it all up, it is no one else's fault- just yours.
    Last edited by KaraBulut; January 7th, 2013 at 09:24 AM.
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  5. #5
    🌈❤️ June26, 2015 ❤️🌈 JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Upstairs brain vs downstairs brain (re: cheating, bisex)

    I'd like to ask a couple of questions. Is your girlfriend the first person you've considered wife material? If so, could it be she's your safety net for what you consider a future "perfect" life? With 2 blow jobs a day does your girlfriend get vaginal sex? Are the incidents you've mentioned the only times with which you've had regrets? No matter how great the sex drive our one and only brain does have the capability of overriding our sex drive.

    If we allow our sex drive to take over we could be sexually complusive or even sexually addicted. It wouldn't hurt for you to look at the SCA (Sexual Complusives Anonymous) website, which is:

    I'm concerned that you have been suppressing your same sex attraction because of the way you framed it as "a can of worms."

    In any case, sexuality ought not be something of which we're afraid. Embracing healthy sexuality leads to enhanced, not diminished living. I'd say something is wrong with either your sexual belief system or your sexual lack of control. Either way, you can find help. As for right now, I'd take marriage off the table.
    Last edited by Seasoned; January 7th, 2013 at 10:00 AM.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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