Speaking of your graphic abilities.... WHY the he'll aren't you looking into a career in that??? You know what they make?
Speaking of your graphic abilities.... WHY the he'll aren't you looking into a career in that??? You know what they make?
And I'll see about taking a few courses on graphic design, while I'm in school.
Even in the visual graphics space, you can go in literally a million different directions - animation/cartoons (Disney/Pixar most easily come to mind), commercial production for businesses, media (general television, television news, movie production, the gaming/video gaming industry, etc.).
Personal log, Stardate 67196.4
Setbacks... Minor details, minor details...
I've had some minor setbacks in getting my studio ready. The chromakey wall works like a charm, I have my first presentation graphic ready to go. But oh, wait...
[ insert record scratch noise here... ]
My housekeeping job's boss has a friend of his who happens to live in my apartment complex. The friend was wanting to borrow money from him, so he figured to get two birds killed with one stone - hire the friend to put my flatscreen TV up in my room for me. I know the friend can do the work, he used to do interior construction in the Marines, and once helped construct a courtroom. I know the guy can do the work. Just one problem - yesterday, he got a traffic ticket. So I can't go with the guy to Home Depot like I want to, to go get supplies and lumber. That'll have to wait until payday, Friday, now, to give the guy time to resolve his ticket.
And in practicing recording my video, I'm running into some technological difficulties. The webcam I have is not in HD. I need one that does video in full high definition 16x9 widescreen. My video editing software can force-stretch the filmed video out to 16x9 widescreen, but that just looks like amateur hour, when the goal look is clean, slick, semi-professional (amateur, but still well-executed enough to where it could convince an audience into thinking it's professional), etc.
And when I go to record the video, also, the audio is hella quiet, to the point where it's barely audible. I literally have to amplify the audio by 400% just to hear to conversation level - not presentation level - just to quiet conversation level. And there's a loud hiss of white noise when I do that, to where the audio just doesn't work for what I need. It comes across as so, for lack of a better word, half-assed, and just no.
So I'm just going to save up for a good camera and do my homework on them to see what it's going to cost me for a good one that does HD video.
And, again, if anyone has a way to fix the way-too-quiet audio, I'm more than ready to listen.
Success doesn't come easy, that's why it's called success. I fully intend to dig my heels in.
What kind of Mic are you using, where is it placed, what software are you using... ?
Actually works like a charm. If you turn it up loud enough, you'll blow the roof off the joint (as I almost found out the hard way).
The mic is a simple lapel mic used in professional broadcasting, business meetings, mass presentations, etc. I've tested it - it does what it advertises. As I live in a 3rd floor apartment, I even went downstairs. Yup, even vertically, two floors away, still works like a charm.
For video editing, I'm using the free version of VideoPad.
Venting is healthy.
Personal log, Stardate 67222.9
Firstly, I am human, and therefore, flawed. Secondly, I'm a mix of not thrilled, and cray-tired from the trip today.
I went with my housekeeping job's boss, as I do every first of the month, and we went down to back home (about an hour and a half's drive southeast of Dallas) to go deliver groceries to an elderly disabled vet friend of his. Those brief day-trips are my one and only chance to see my mom and my Old Man - her little Chihuahua. I call him Old Man because, even though he's the sweetest little dog you ever saw, but he's also way up there in years. Translated into human years, he's probably in his 60s. When he was younger, he was a caramel brown. Now, his face is almost pure white.
So I did, in fact get to go to my mom's house. At least the dog was happy to see me.
Her bedroom is just off the living room, and she always leaves her bedroom door open. So I walked in, just so she'd know who was coming into her house. She was in her bed. She looked up at me with a soft, sleepy, "Hmm?" I told her it was me. She shifted a bit under the covers and went back to sleep.
Hadn't had any phone calls, any letters or anything from her. I've left her notes behind on previous visits. Nothing. No response.
Honestly, I don't know what to think. On the one hand, she works nights just like I do, and she's tired and wants to sleep - I get that. But on the other hand, when you only get to see your own flesh and blood for only a brief few moments once a month, you would think that there would be a little bit more of an active response than to readjust the covers and go back to sleep. Honestly, today's visit was as if I were at a cemetery visiting a grave plot.
I told my boss what had happened as we left town, earlier this evening, on the return drive back to Dallas. Even he raised his eyebrows like, "Damn!..."
So yeah... .../shrugs...
My mother hasn't said two words to me since I wrote that coming out letter in late May, before my foot surgery.
I don't know. I feel I had a responsibility to be open and transparent with her, as my mom. I had a human responsibility to myself, and to enjoy the only life I have the way I see fit, as an adult. But playing devil's advocate - Should I have not written that? Should I have not said anything?
My boss advised me that I needed to get some kind of emotional and psychological closure on the situation, or else, it will taint and damage every future relationship I stand to have.
I don't know if to say that the familial relationship with my mom is over, and that she's dead to me <== What the hell kind of thing is that to say about one's own mother? Or should I give her more time? Do I wait until forever? Meanwhile, time is still passing by for me, also. I have the responsibility to myself that every human has - to enjoy and be happy with the only life I'm going to have. I do want a man, and to get to go out, and maybe even a kid or two down the road. But I have to get moving on my own life, if that is ever going to come to pass. The conflict - I can't wait forever on my mom to come around and move forward with my own life too. One, or the other. They are mutually exclusive.
Thing is, I know what the right choice is - to move forward with my own life and be happy, succeed, etc. But, to do so, I'm basically having to terminate a relationship, and say, "We're done," to a relationship that no one should have to. It sucks.
Joe-Joe, I'm sorry you're still dealing with this. It takes different people different amounts of time to come to terms with a loved one coming out to them. I wish your mother would be more responsive so you could at least know what's going through her head.
Recently I heard a 'wise guy' story that I had a party at my home for twenty-five men. It's an interesting story, but I don't know twenty-five men I'd want to invite to a party. ~Joan Crawford
JD, what was your relationship with your mother before your letter?
How homophobic was she then, if at all?
How did you two share about your feelings and views and hers?
Why has this pattern of non-responsiveness been accepted by you? Why did you not wake her or call ahead or plan a visit?
The details would help us understand what is actually happening. This is hard with it being fragmented.
There are TWO kinds of people in the world -- the kind who believe there are two kinds of people, and the kind who don't.
Thank you for the questions, Dejavudoo, I'll try to answer them as best I can individually.
She always knew that I always hid a lot from her. It was because she was aggressively homophobic, always has been, about which, more in a moment. Even, when I was in school, when I would complain about bullying, and about being mistreated at school, she always came at me back from the angle of, What did I do to provoke the other person to do (whatever) to me? It was a complete and fundamental lack of understanding on her part that, in school, people torment and terrorize other fellow human beings just for sport, just because they can, and because they know that no meaningful repercussions will ever follow their actions. In the adult world, what is considered criminal-level harassment, and other abuse-type crimes behind it, frankly mostly go unreported - even for years, sometimes forever - in the world of elementary, middle, and high school, because both victim and perp know that nothing will be done to stop it. Only in recent years has the problem come to the light, thanks in part to the news/mainstream media reporting on it.
And she's also hidden a lot from me, as well. It's always a running joke that both my older brother (half-brother? - never got a straight answer on that) and I always have to remind her of when our birthdays are. You'd think she'd remember something like that. So last year, when I lived up here in Dallas, and I worked for Walmart Neighborhood Market, my birthday (Dec. 8th) fell on a Saturday. It was a work day for me - I was a front-end cashier, 7am to 3pm. I got off from work, and decided for my 30th birthday, I'd go get the tattoo I'd always wanted. I came back here to my apartment, did the drawing up and printed it out. There was a tattoo parlor across the street from my apartment complex that I'd done my homework on and decided that's where I'd get mine done.
I'd went and got my procedure done, and went home to begin the aftercare. I called my mom's house - nothing. I gave it a few hours. I knew she'd be up by 8.30pm, because she'd have to be at work by 10pm. I'd called her house back. This time, I'd gotten my older brother, who still lives with her - "Oh yeah, she'd been in the hospital since Tuesday. Major staph infection. They had to do surgery on her and lance her leg." Yes, my mom had almost died, I was never made aware that any of this was even going on. My brother continued, "And don't tell her I told you, because she said not to call you." After my brother gave me which hospital she was in, and the room number, I called her to check in on her, and she was fine.
I know it's kind of a double standard, me expecting her to be forthcoming about things, while hiding myself. But I have felt that I've had to hide a multitude of things and be exceptionally careful about what I let her know.
Also, all of this is contingent, too, on my mother answering my calls. She really doesn't answer her home phone for anyone - she lets it ring out because it takes her so long to get to the phone and to see who it is. If it's someone she wants to talk, she'll call them back, or follow up with them in person at a later time.
Personal log, Stardate 67232.1
A very exciting week on tap for me this week.
Today >> Pick up the camera tripod I ordered from the post office.
Wednesday >> After a month of waiting, I finally get my set built, and my TV hung and hooked up.
I'm as thrilled as can be with the prospect of finishing my studio.
Then, I must get to the business of shooting, designing graphics for, editing, and posting my very first video.
I'm beyond thrilled that this is finally going to happen. I've fought so hard, so tirelessly... long days, longer nights, just to get to this juncture. And now, it's really going to happen. It's really going to come to pass.
But I can't celebrate too long, for there is still much work to do. I'm continuing to lose a few more pounds, so that I may look my absolute best. I've got to follow up with my health insurance to see if it's kicked in from my store, so that I can get in to see the dentist in the Kroger behind my store. Also, there is an eye doctor across the street from my store - I need to get in and get my lazy eye fixed.
And I also need to start saving up more money for my next classes at Brookhaven. That needs to be seriously moved upon, because once Halloween gets here, the holiday season tends to move rather quickly. Class registration is due the week before Christmas - Money needs to be paid ahead of time, preferably asap. Start sending money ahead, so that when the deadline nears, I'll be sitting pretty.
Onward and upward!
Personal log, Stardate 67276.5
These last few months have really been a first hand lesson in patience. I want things to happen, and I want them to happen Now! My store's health insurance I'll sign up for next week, won't take effect until New Year's - January 1st. So I will have gone 5 months with out the insurance coverage I need so that I can get in to see my doctors. I need to see the dentist behind my store, the eye doctor across the street from my store, a nearby weight management specialist, and I need to get back in to see my foot doctor. I've got a lot going on, and can do none of it until I see what's going to happen with insurance to pay for all of this.
The guy who's supposed to be working on my set design in my apartment is getting married this Saturday, so he's been understandably busy this past month.
School won't start back until January for me.
So I'm stuck, and unable to move forward with pretty much any of the major things I've got going on in my life. Now this does afford me time to rest, relax, and recharge. Trouble is, that's not getting anything done - and that's the rub.
I've got to get my picture taken in my suit and tie in front of my green screen, and design a chromakey backdrop - my store's manager is overhauling our breakroom and wants personal pictures. Thing is, I don't have any. So I'm going to have to make one.
I'm going to go soak my feet and try to finish Super Paper Mario.