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  1. #101

    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    Speaking of your graphic abilities.... WHY the he'll aren't you looking into a career in that??? You know what they make?
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  2. #102
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    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    Quote Originally Posted by borg69unimatrix View Post
    Speaking of your graphic abilities.... WHY the he'll aren't you looking into a career in that??? You know what they make?
    Yeah, I know. One of the wisest pieces of advice I've ever heard is always have a plan B career, something you're good at lined up, in case plan A doesn't pan out. And that's what I have in mind.

    And I'll see about taking a few courses on graphic design, while I'm in school.

    Even in the visual graphics space, you can go in literally a million different directions - animation/cartoons (Disney/Pixar most easily come to mind), commercial production for businesses, media (general television, television news, movie production, the gaming/video gaming industry, etc.).

  3. #103
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    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    Personal log, Stardate 67196.4

    Setbacks... Minor details, minor details...

    I've had some minor setbacks in getting my studio ready. The chromakey wall works like a charm, I have my first presentation graphic ready to go. But oh, wait...

    [ insert record scratch noise here... ]

    My housekeeping job's boss has a friend of his who happens to live in my apartment complex. The friend was wanting to borrow money from him, so he figured to get two birds killed with one stone - hire the friend to put my flatscreen TV up in my room for me. I know the friend can do the work, he used to do interior construction in the Marines, and once helped construct a courtroom. I know the guy can do the work. Just one problem - yesterday, he got a traffic ticket. So I can't go with the guy to Home Depot like I want to, to go get supplies and lumber. That'll have to wait until payday, Friday, now, to give the guy time to resolve his ticket.

    And in practicing recording my video, I'm running into some technological difficulties. The webcam I have is not in HD. I need one that does video in full high definition 16x9 widescreen. My video editing software can force-stretch the filmed video out to 16x9 widescreen, but that just looks like amateur hour, when the goal look is clean, slick, semi-professional (amateur, but still well-executed enough to where it could convince an audience into thinking it's professional), etc.

    And when I go to record the video, also, the audio is hella quiet, to the point where it's barely audible. I literally have to amplify the audio by 400% just to hear to conversation level - not presentation level - just to quiet conversation level. And there's a loud hiss of white noise when I do that, to where the audio just doesn't work for what I need. It comes across as so, for lack of a better word, half-assed, and just no.

    So I'm just going to save up for a good camera and do my homework on them to see what it's going to cost me for a good one that does HD video.

    And, again, if anyone has a way to fix the way-too-quiet audio, I'm more than ready to listen.

    Success doesn't come easy, that's why it's called success. I fully intend to dig my heels in.




  4. #104

    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    What kind of Mic are you using, where is it placed, what software are you using... ?
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    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    Quote Originally Posted by borg69unimatrix View Post
    What kind of Mic are you using, where is it placed, what software are you using... ?
    Audio - Pyle Audio's PDWM96 Wireless mic with wireless transmitter that, with a simple plug adapter, plugs in to the mic jack of a computer or laptop.



    Actually works like a charm. If you turn it up loud enough, you'll blow the roof off the joint (as I almost found out the hard way).

    The mic is a simple lapel mic used in professional broadcasting, business meetings, mass presentations, etc. I've tested it - it does what it advertises. As I live in a 3rd floor apartment, I even went downstairs. Yup, even vertically, two floors away, still works like a charm.

    For video editing, I'm using the free version of VideoPad.


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    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    Venting is healthy.

  7. #107
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    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    Personal log, Stardate 67222.9

    Firstly, I am human, and therefore, flawed. Secondly, I'm a mix of not thrilled, and cray-tired from the trip today.

    I went with my housekeeping job's boss, as I do every first of the month, and we went down to back home (about an hour and a half's drive southeast of Dallas) to go deliver groceries to an elderly disabled vet friend of his. Those brief day-trips are my one and only chance to see my mom and my Old Man - her little Chihuahua. I call him Old Man because, even though he's the sweetest little dog you ever saw, but he's also way up there in years. Translated into human years, he's probably in his 60s. When he was younger, he was a caramel brown. Now, his face is almost pure white.

    So I did, in fact get to go to my mom's house. At least the dog was happy to see me.

    Her bedroom is just off the living room, and she always leaves her bedroom door open. So I walked in, just so she'd know who was coming into her house. She was in her bed. She looked up at me with a soft, sleepy, "Hmm?" I told her it was me. She shifted a bit under the covers and went back to sleep.

    Hadn't had any phone calls, any letters or anything from her. I've left her notes behind on previous visits. Nothing. No response.

    Honestly, I don't know what to think. On the one hand, she works nights just like I do, and she's tired and wants to sleep - I get that. But on the other hand, when you only get to see your own flesh and blood for only a brief few moments once a month, you would think that there would be a little bit more of an active response than to readjust the covers and go back to sleep. Honestly, today's visit was as if I were at a cemetery visiting a grave plot.

    I told my boss what had happened as we left town, earlier this evening, on the return drive back to Dallas. Even he raised his eyebrows like, "Damn!..."

    So yeah... .../shrugs...

    My mother hasn't said two words to me since I wrote that coming out letter in late May, before my foot surgery.

    I don't know. I feel I had a responsibility to be open and transparent with her, as my mom. I had a human responsibility to myself, and to enjoy the only life I have the way I see fit, as an adult. But playing devil's advocate - Should I have not written that? Should I have not said anything?

    My boss advised me that I needed to get some kind of emotional and psychological closure on the situation, or else, it will taint and damage every future relationship I stand to have.

    I don't know if to say that the familial relationship with my mom is over, and that she's dead to me <== What the hell kind of thing is that to say about one's own mother? Or should I give her more time? Do I wait until forever? Meanwhile, time is still passing by for me, also. I have the responsibility to myself that every human has - to enjoy and be happy with the only life I'm going to have. I do want a man, and to get to go out, and maybe even a kid or two down the road. But I have to get moving on my own life, if that is ever going to come to pass. The conflict - I can't wait forever on my mom to come around and move forward with my own life too. One, or the other. They are mutually exclusive.

    Thing is, I know what the right choice is - to move forward with my own life and be happy, succeed, etc. But, to do so, I'm basically having to terminate a relationship, and say, "We're done," to a relationship that no one should have to. It sucks.

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    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    Joe-Joe, I'm sorry you're still dealing with this. It takes different people different amounts of time to come to terms with a loved one coming out to them. I wish your mother would be more responsive so you could at least know what's going through her head.
    Recently I heard a 'wise guy' story that I had a party at my home for twenty-five men. It's an interesting story, but I don't know twenty-five men I'd want to invite to a party. ~Joan Crawford

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    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    JD, what was your relationship with your mother before your letter?

    How homophobic was she then, if at all?

    How did you two share about your feelings and views and hers?

    Why has this pattern of non-responsiveness been accepted by you? Why did you not wake her or call ahead or plan a visit?

    The details would help us understand what is actually happening. This is hard with it being fragmented.
    There are TWO kinds of people in the world -- the kind who believe there are two kinds of people, and the kind who don't.

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    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    Quote Originally Posted by LilBit View Post
    Joe-Joe, I'm sorry you're still dealing with this. It takes different people different amounts of time to come to terms with a loved one coming out to them. I wish your mother would be more responsive so you could at least know what's going through her head.
    Thanks.

    Thank you for the questions, Dejavudoo, I'll try to answer them as best I can individually.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dejavudoo View Post
    JD, what was your relationship with your mother before your letter?
    Honestly, civil - even a friendly, amicable civil. But never "family" close, even when I lived with her. We were more or less ships in the night. I worked days at Dollar Tree, where I eventually became assistant manager, and was working days and evenings. My mom works overnights at Walmart. So sometimes, we literally wouldn't run into or see each other for weeks on end, even though we lived in the same house, especially when something would come up at my store, and I had to pull open-to-close 13hr shifts (which didn't happen a lot, but it did happen).

    She always knew that I always hid a lot from her. It was because she was aggressively homophobic, always has been, about which, more in a moment. Even, when I was in school, when I would complain about bullying, and about being mistreated at school, she always came at me back from the angle of, What did I do to provoke the other person to do (whatever) to me? It was a complete and fundamental lack of understanding on her part that, in school, people torment and terrorize other fellow human beings just for sport, just because they can, and because they know that no meaningful repercussions will ever follow their actions. In the adult world, what is considered criminal-level harassment, and other abuse-type crimes behind it, frankly mostly go unreported - even for years, sometimes forever - in the world of elementary, middle, and high school, because both victim and perp know that nothing will be done to stop it. Only in recent years has the problem come to the light, thanks in part to the news/mainstream media reporting on it.

    And she's also hidden a lot from me, as well. It's always a running joke that both my older brother (half-brother? - never got a straight answer on that) and I always have to remind her of when our birthdays are. You'd think she'd remember something like that. So last year, when I lived up here in Dallas, and I worked for Walmart Neighborhood Market, my birthday (Dec. 8th) fell on a Saturday. It was a work day for me - I was a front-end cashier, 7am to 3pm. I got off from work, and decided for my 30th birthday, I'd go get the tattoo I'd always wanted. I came back here to my apartment, did the drawing up and printed it out. There was a tattoo parlor across the street from my apartment complex that I'd done my homework on and decided that's where I'd get mine done.

    I'd went and got my procedure done, and went home to begin the aftercare. I called my mom's house - nothing. I gave it a few hours. I knew she'd be up by 8.30pm, because she'd have to be at work by 10pm. I'd called her house back. This time, I'd gotten my older brother, who still lives with her - "Oh yeah, she'd been in the hospital since Tuesday. Major staph infection. They had to do surgery on her and lance her leg." Yes, my mom had almost died, I was never made aware that any of this was even going on. My brother continued, "And don't tell her I told you, because she said not to call you." After my brother gave me which hospital she was in, and the room number, I called her to check in on her, and she was fine.

    I know it's kind of a double standard, me expecting her to be forthcoming about things, while hiding myself. But I have felt that I've had to hide a multitude of things and be exceptionally careful about what I let her know.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dejavudoo View Post
    How homophobic was she then, if at all?
    As mentioned above, my mom is very hostile towards anything homosexual. Always has been. She equates homosexuality with pedophilia and child predator creeps. So yeah, there's no convincing her otherwise on that. Unfortunately.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dejavudoo View Post
    How did you two share about your feelings and views and hers?
    We don't. Even when I lived we never discussed anything highly personal. Honestly, the best way I can describe living with my mom and older brother was, "roommates with separate lives". No real sense of "family" other than DNA.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dejavudoo View Post
    Why has this pattern of non-responsiveness been accepted by you?
    I've kinda had to move on anyways. If I'm ever going to pursue my dreams, honestly, I'm quite literally about 10 years behind schedule for where a 30yr old should be in their life - never had a relationship, still not in my career of choice, still in a profession (retail) most people do while they're in school pursuing their "real job"/career goals. Time itself is forcing me to say, "Whether you want anything to do with me, or not, either way, I must move forward with the business of advancing my life. You do what you do, but I need to move on, because life is going to pass me by, if I don't." The opportunity for an intimate adult relationship with another human being will not be there forever. The opportunity to go after my career goals and what I really want to do with my life won't be there forever. Some have already made the counter-case to me (even here on this forum, in private) that at 30, I'm already too old to get a job in the career I really want, so why even try? Because I don't want to die in a career never having made over $10/hr, never having anything to my name. I don't want to die never knowing the love and affection of another person. I don't want to die poor and alone. I must aggressively move forward to keep that from happening. It is that moving forward towards my goals that has given me a sense of purpose and direction. It's what makes life worth living for me. Who's with me is with me. If not, then, it is what it is. As much as I don't like saying it, even if it is my own mother. It really hurts me to have to say that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dejavudoo View Post
    Why did you not wake her or call ahead or plan a visit?
    With my boss driving me down there to see her, even he doesn't know how things will go until they actually happen. So I don't know if he'll drop me off while he go visits the people he wants to talk to. If we already have groceries for his elderly disabled vet friend (our main reason for going down there) in our vehicle already brought with us from Dallas (where it's actually sometimes much cheaper and more cost-effective), then will my boss want me to go over to his friend's and unload the groceries into the friend's house first or what? Once we get into town, when I get to go to my mom's house and how long I get to stay there are both contingent on what my boss decides. Time, gas, and money to pay for this trip, how my boss feels (this is a 1 to 2 hour non-stop drive each way, so driver safety/tiredness is a factor, too) weighs into all of that. So pretty much most of the factors are beyond my personal control of precisely when I pop in and how long I get to stay there.

    Also, all of this is contingent, too, on my mother answering my calls. She really doesn't answer her home phone for anyone - she lets it ring out because it takes her so long to get to the phone and to see who it is. If it's someone she wants to talk, she'll call them back, or follow up with them in person at a later time.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dejavudoo View Post
    The details would help us understand what is actually happening. This is hard with it being fragmented.
    I hope that helps. Thanks.

  11. #111
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    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    Personal log, Stardate 67232.1



    A very exciting week on tap for me this week.

    Today >> Pick up the camera tripod I ordered from the post office.

    Wednesday >> After a month of waiting, I finally get my set built, and my TV hung and hooked up.

    I'm as thrilled as can be with the prospect of finishing my studio.

    Then, I must get to the business of shooting, designing graphics for, editing, and posting my very first video.

    I'm beyond thrilled that this is finally going to happen. I've fought so hard, so tirelessly... long days, longer nights, just to get to this juncture. And now, it's really going to happen. It's really going to come to pass.

    But I can't celebrate too long, for there is still much work to do. I'm continuing to lose a few more pounds, so that I may look my absolute best. I've got to follow up with my health insurance to see if it's kicked in from my store, so that I can get in to see the dentist in the Kroger behind my store. Also, there is an eye doctor across the street from my store - I need to get in and get my lazy eye fixed.

    And I also need to start saving up more money for my next classes at Brookhaven. That needs to be seriously moved upon, because once Halloween gets here, the holiday season tends to move rather quickly. Class registration is due the week before Christmas - Money needs to be paid ahead of time, preferably asap. Start sending money ahead, so that when the deadline nears, I'll be sitting pretty.

    Onward and upward!


  12. #112
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    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    Personal log, Stardate 67276.5

    These last few months have really been a first hand lesson in patience. I want things to happen, and I want them to happen Now! My store's health insurance I'll sign up for next week, won't take effect until New Year's - January 1st. So I will have gone 5 months with out the insurance coverage I need so that I can get in to see my doctors. I need to see the dentist behind my store, the eye doctor across the street from my store, a nearby weight management specialist, and I need to get back in to see my foot doctor. I've got a lot going on, and can do none of it until I see what's going to happen with insurance to pay for all of this.

    The guy who's supposed to be working on my set design in my apartment is getting married this Saturday, so he's been understandably busy this past month.

    School won't start back until January for me.

    So I'm stuck, and unable to move forward with pretty much any of the major things I've got going on in my life. Now this does afford me time to rest, relax, and recharge. Trouble is, that's not getting anything done - and that's the rub.

    I've got to get my picture taken in my suit and tie in front of my green screen, and design a chromakey backdrop - my store's manager is overhauling our breakroom and wants personal pictures. Thing is, I don't have any. So I'm going to have to make one.

    I'm going to go soak my feet and try to finish Super Paper Mario.

  13. #113
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    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    Personal Log, Stardate 67456.2

    This year is about to be put in the books. I've got to go see when I work Tuesday night, down a the store.

    Thankfully, the rush of the last 3 months are now over. Because, when Wednesday gets here, there's a lot of stuff to get done. Mostly medical.

    Make sure my health insurance card comes down. Schedule an appointment with an eye doctor, so that that can get fixed, so that I can get my license renewed. Priority.

    I need to get in to one of the walk-in doctor's office clinics on Wednesday or Thursday, to get this lump in the left side of my neck looked at. The rash has gone away (except for the small scabs it left behind), but the lump has not. Priority.

    My therapist wants me to get into a full blown psychiatrist asap. I understand that I have an extensive amount of psychiatric damage from the abuse and molestation of my distant past, and from my 2010 suicide attempt. But I'm not thrilled about being put on medication for it. And how does one get off of anti-depressants once on them? And I'm not thrilled at the prospect of having to start over again with someone new. Again. But I know it has to be done.

    College starts back late next month, so there's that. I've got to get my financial aid in, so that I can get my Developmental Math course set up and ready to go.

    This is going to be a busy 2014.

  14. #114
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    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    Experiences with meds vary from person to person. Some people only need to be on them for limited time, and other people are on them for life. If you're on the right med for you, you may not even realize you're on it--no loopiness or grogginess or other side effects.

    I hope it goes well for you. *HUGS*
    Recently I heard a 'wise guy' story that I had a party at my home for twenty-five men. It's an interesting story, but I don't know twenty-five men I'd want to invite to a party. ~Joan Crawford

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    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    ^ Thanks

  16. #116

    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    Hey Chief.

    Nice to hear from you. Hope your holidays were happy ones. Once that insurance kicks in next Wednesday you can take care of business.

    How's your apartment/studio? Have you taken some pictures lately? Any recent designs?

    Like lilbit says, drugs can be a blessing or a curse, depending on the person taking them. I imagine you know that already. You've got a good head on your shoulders. I think you'll make the right call when it comes to decide what to take and how many. I know my Dr. doubled my venlafaxine from 75mg to 150 and I wasn't sure why. I mean she told me why but I didn't agree so I stayed on the same dose. It was the right call for me.

    HAPPY NEW YEAR~!. robt

  17. #117
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    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    DEAR JOURNAL,

    Summer of 2011, an old friend of mine was visiting New York from his hometown of Chicago for his 30th Birthday. Another friend of his from London decided to visit as well--having long wanted to come to New York and timing it so that he could meet up with my friend.

    Upon meeting him (the Londoner, who we will call "D"), I was instantly taken. He's incredibly cute, big smiles with positive energy, happy, fun-loving guy. Emphasis on positive energy. I really feed on that. We all partied that week, and we all had a great time.

    Later (after we all parted ways), I realized that he's gay, that he was very attracted to me. For years, we've kept in touch via email, text, or Facebook, sending a voicemail ever so often. This started out very scarcely, with it usually taking a good amount of time (days, a week or so, sometimes weeks) to return a message. Ditto on his side. Anything from friendly greetings to an occasional pic, but nothing close to everyday.

    Very mild flirtation, and something I've done knowing that it's meaningless. Obviously, I've had plenty of sexual relations with men during this time and I rather foolishly fell for a guy in April of 2012. (During which time I wasn't texting D at all). He lives in London and I in New York, so at the end of the day, I never saw this as anything other than online fun. Meaningless, feel-good messages. I've posted about him once here in the past.

    I very much prefer being single, so this has always been something easy for me, because that comfort zone was never at threat of being challenged. It was impossible for anything to happen between us being he's in London and I'm in New York. I'm never leaving New York, certainly not for a relationship. So yes, we've had fun chatter. Nothing at risk.

    Why am I writing about it now? Because lately, I've been sending texts and chatting more regularly, asking him questions about himself so that I get to know him better, etc. Somehow, it's gotten to a point where I think about him pretty ordinarily. Where he's my first thought whenever someone asks me the dreaded "what's your love life like?" question. "Is anyone in the picture?"

    The picture ... is beautiful. And so goddamned sexy and sweet. I'm so into this guy. And when I get texts on my birthday or Christmas or now from him expressing wishes that he were here with me to celebrate, I just can't. So now that perfect place to have meaningless fun has actually turned into a serious longing.

    Two weeks ago, he mentioned that he was coming to New York with his company at some point next year. I can't even imagine how amazing it will feel to be with him again. I've warned him more than once that if his plane touches down in New York, I'm not ever letting him go back to his country.

  18. #118
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    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    ^ Sounds like somebody got their heart stolen! I hope it all works out for you!

    Quote Originally Posted by fancydancer View Post
    Hey Chief.

    Nice to hear from you. Hope your holidays were happy ones. Once that insurance kicks in next Wednesday you can take care of business.

    How's your apartment/studio? Have you taken some pictures lately? Any recent designs?

    Like lilbit says, drugs can be a blessing or a curse, depending on the person taking them. I imagine you know that already. You've got a good head on your shoulders. I think you'll make the right call when it comes to decide what to take and how many. I know my Dr. doubled my venlafaxine from 75mg to 150 and I wasn't sure why. I mean she told me why but I didn't agree so I stayed on the same dose. It was the right call for me.

    HAPPY NEW YEAR~!. robt
    I've learned the hard way - when you work in retail, the last 3 months of the year are not a good time to start anything. So I've held off on building the studio, although it will still go forward. Believe me - I'm chomping at the bit to get in to all these doctors to get my medical and mental health issues taken care of.

    I wish you and yours a joyous and prosperous new year.

  19. #119
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    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    Quote Originally Posted by jdcnow View Post
    ^ Sounds like somebody got their heart stolen! I hope it all works out for you!
    Man, he took it. It's like I just woke up one day and realized someone else had it.

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    Re: Journal Thread 2013

    Quote Originally Posted by TheSpectatingLoner View Post
    Man, he took it. It's like I just woke up one day and realized someone else had it.
    Aww, that's so sweet.
    Recently I heard a 'wise guy' story that I had a party at my home for twenty-five men. It's an interesting story, but I don't know twenty-five men I'd want to invite to a party. ~Joan Crawford

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