How do you get over the past?

[Benjoe]

I'm sure i'm not the only one who had some bad experiences from childhood and with it being a new year i'd like to find a way to move past them and look forwards but I find it hard, do any of you have any good tips?

To explain the situation basically my mum was really quite cruel to me when I was little. One of the worst memories was when I was about eight and she took me out in the car, she drove me to a really remote location and ordered me out the car. She told me they didn't want me anymore and I was too much trouble to look after. I was crying my eyes out and begging her to let me stay. Eventually she took me home.

I don't want sympathy or anything like that it was a long time ago. I'm not angry or bitter about it but I just can't shake the 'nobody wants me' kind of feeling. The things she did really took my confidence and even though I can look at things rationally now I always have low self esteem issues and I think it may stem from these events.

I tried to confront my mum about it about ten years ago but she denied these things ever happened. I also don't want to talk to anyone else about it face to face but i'd really like some kind of self help plan or strategies to put this in the past where it belongs. Every now and then when i'm alone I get memories pop into my head and it really upsets me.

[Hard-up1]

Benjoe, I'd be glad to talk to you about it via PM.

My own mother was against me from a very early age, and moreover neglectful of all five of her children.

We were subjected to numerous episodes of abandonment, just as you describe.

She constantly undermined my self-confidence and attacked my every success.

I worked my way out of the family until I left at age 14 or so. It was the best thing I ever did in that regard.

But, your memories are all behind you.

My counsel for a recovery strategy is to continue to replace those memories by making all the good ones you are able to muster. Additionally, it is very helpful to pay it forward by helping some struggling single mom or other kid that you find. In time, the good with eclipse those memories.

I am 51, and the pain has been gone for some time now.

[palbert]

Time, and working to replace the hurtful memories with those based on acts of compassion you can now do for yourself and the deserving. Random acts of kindness have many rewards.

[justsimon]

It takes time. I've always had a very rough (and for a few years, nonexistent) relationship with my dad. We've both grown and changed over the years and, now, we have a decent and fairly comfortable relationship. However, it would never have happened if he hadn't matured and mellowed on his own and if I hadn't found my own sense of peace without him. I don't think he would admit to many of the things that happened when I was younger, but I no longer need him to.

[borg69unimatrix]

Blood isnt thicker then water. Fortunately you CAN surround yourself with friends and people whom you DO love, that you know care about you.

You arent stuck with your own family... you can create one of your own.

Not that your mom needs defending, but parenthood doesnt come with a handbook. People make mistakes. Her denial makes me think she was in some bad mental state she couldnt deal with at the time and is embarrassed by now.

[G-Lexington]

What borg said, mainly. Some of us got a bad draw in the family card game. If so, discard and draw new ones. Not that you'll magically make your life perfect by doing so, but do your utmost to face forwards.

Lex

[loveguys72]

Borg and G-Lex nailed it. Some folks just have crap parents. You can either spend all your life obsessing and going over and over the past, or you can walk away from it and just close the door behind you. Not an easy thing to do, but it really is the only way.

[bobobo]

Don't let your problems define you. And for the people that hurt you, remember, it was their problem, not yours. There is nothing wrong with you.

[andy0303]

i had a lot of bad experiences in my life up until now, i even consider myself a bad luck but despite that i still can smile and be happy because i just concentrate on the good things and i always think positive that someday this bad luck would get lost maybe God has something great for me in the future.

[racer2438]

Re: How do you get over the past?

As honey always says, by not letting it control your future...

[CupidBoy]

You just do. Got to love yourself because no one else will. They can all fuck off. It's not your fault, don't let it control you. You be a winner, make your life amazing.