Long time lurker, new poster. Please help me out today
So I do not even know where to begin. I'm a 20 year old male college student living in Florida. I weigh 227 pounds right now. I weighed 200 pounds in May, right before I had my heart surgery which was 2 weeks after my 20th birthday. The couple months of no physical activity allowed led to me gaining 30 pounds, the heaviest I have ever weighed. Maby to help understand some of what follows, I should let it be known that I was molested by my uncle when I was little. I honestly do not remember it so do not pity me, but it doesnt stop there. I assume I was like most young children and the "show me yours, I'll show you mine" kicked in around 7-9ish (i honestly dont remember the age). Unfortunately, we were mostly male cousins. So antics ensued with me and my cousin. Also with me and my next door neighbor who is a guy. Of course I was young and I knew it would be bad if our parents caught us but I really didnt know that it was like wrong. I mean I did but I hope you know what I'm trying to say. My antics ensued until I was about 12 or 13 with my cousin and next door neighbor. This is when I started puberty (i think) and got the talk and understood it was supposed to be saved for marriage and thats how babies come. After the talk, I understood but the mental damage had already been done.
I was always bigger growing up and shy and had a higher pitched voice than most people. I was always told by my parents that I have to be careful about if my heart starts to hurt and not lifting weights in gym because of my heart murmur. I was always being taken to the doctor as a child and I had regular check ups at a specialty hospital 6 hours away from where I live to keep up with my heart murmur. So much safety and the love and affection from my parents made me soft in my opinion, mainly that I wasn't allowed to do as much as the other kids that could run around outside and lift weights and party and do this and that. In high school/middle school, I was bullied and called 'gay' because I was shy and had a higher pitched voice and was one of the few kids that didn't go out and party. Also because I started wearing name brand clothing in 6th grade, and where I am from, 99% of people are deep southern rednecks who have to fulfill the stigma of being 'men' by shaking hands and dipping and hunting and losing their virginity in 8th grade. None of which I did. Most of my friends are girls. On facebook, about 95% of my likes on anything I post are from females, and I think 75% of my facebook friends are females. I find it a little harder to hang out with guys because I'm not like a manly man with the public talking about sex and I don't hunt or party (what 99% of guys here do). I have 2 really close guy friends that I hang out with when I can and they are both straight.
My bestfriend is a girl who has been my bestfriend since 8th grade. We were texting just two nights ago (she recently moved to california to be with her boyfriend) and we got on the subject of bullying and how i was bullied in highschool and was always being called gay. She said she thought I was gay also but it didn't matter to her. I asked her how long did she think that. Her reply was that I could still come out of the closet for all she knew, but she wouldn't care either way because she loves me more than anything. She is my BESTFRIEND and we do everything together. We stay the night at each others houses, sleep in the same bed, watch movies, get dressed in the same room, talk vulgar to eachother. I am like this with my two guy bestfriends though. Her saying that made me think about how I see myself, and that mostly lead to me posting this. If anyone knows me best, its her, but she doesnt know about my uncle molesting me and my antics with the nextdoor neighbor/cousin.
I had had plenty of girlfriends from middle school up until before my heart surgery. I distanced myself from alot of people because I was not sure what was going to happen. I've been to busy with classes now to date, but I still see my ex-girlfriend from time to time when I get horny and want to make out. My longest relationship was about two years in high school. The farthest I go is making out. I didn't even make out for the first time until my senior year of high school. I want to save sex till I get married. No hand jobs or anything.
Now, on the other hand, I very much can appreciate a attractive male body. I'm not afraid to think 'wow, that guy is in such good shape/he has an attractive shape/he is hot'. I'm also like that with females. Now, my porn preference has always been the 'daddy' type. I sometimes watch straight porn but there always has to be a guy in it. I fantasize about guys when I do my deed in the shower. It is not always guys though. It is usually always men, but after I get done making out with my girlfriend of the time (im single now), I always go home and think about what It'd be like to have sex with her. But if I haven't gotten horny because of a female in a while, my go to is always men for porn/imagination. It's hard to get off to women in porn or my imagination, I think because I have never been with one so I don't know what to do or what it feels like.
This said, I could not/would not/do not want to date a guy. I almost went to hook up with a older male once but I backed out because I want to wait until I am married and I know that is not where I ultimately want to end up. I look forward to a wife and children. Not a partner.
In a nutshell, I think I'm more stuck because I know what its like to be with a guy (from early teens with my nextdoor neighbor) and I do not know what its like to be with a woman, but I will not know because I want to wait until I am married. A guy is all I know and I wish I wouldn't of ever done it, but I was young and can't take it back.
I honestly do not consider myself gay, and even less than bi-curious. I appreciate gay porn/thoughts but I also appreciate the female body and think it is ultra sexy, but I only know what being with a guy is like so its hard for me to imagine a female. I do not want to get with a female because I want to wait until I'm married. I would prefer to jack off to females but I don't know what its like, as compared to being with a guy.
I know this does not make sense at all and I am sorry, I honestly don't even know what I am wanting from you people anymore as far as responses. I feel like I shouldn't post this because I'm not sure what I'm expecting anyone to say or what anyone COULD say, but please feel free to comment. Maby someone has gone through something similar and can offer advice or just talk with me. I check this site pretty much daily even though I do not have any posts.