An embarrassing thread, but I'm going to keep it real.
Yesterday, I ended up out with friends and by the end of the night, ended up at a bar with one drunken straight friend from my crowd left. On the other end of me, a cute gay guy I just met that I wanted to take home.
The three of us are chatting and the drunken straight friend of mine starts to talk about girls and how huge his dick is. Basically that when he sleeps with a chick, she always comes back. That sometimes when he flirts with a girl and the idea of hooking up comes into play, he'll sometimes just grab their hand and stick it down his pants and pretty much watch the amazement on their faces.
I know he's not talking shit, because I know at least one chick he's hooked up with. The guy is huge.
Anyway, after he leaves, I end up getting my way and hooking up with the gay guy I had my sights set on. We get to his place. The guy has a fucking HUGE penis. Unreal. Really skinny guy with a thick, hard, long third leg. I'm jerking him with two hands while I suck on the tip of his junk and even though I'm enjoying the moment, in the back of my mind, it gets me how completely emasculated I am in his presence. And in the presence of him and my straight friend earlier at the bar.
How I don't measure up in the way I want to--I need to--to compete in the dating game. How I live in a city full of big dicks, exist amongst a race full of people with big dicks, and yet I don't have one.
Even worse, I feel like a size queen for salivating over the size of his dick so much, but if he sent me a text at like 3 in the morning, I know I'd go running to his place for a second helping without hesitation. A mess.
Topics of big dicks always seem to come up in conversations. Not because the people I hang out are that shallow, but sexual discussions come into play and girls always mention which guys they think have big dicks or not. I'm always silent. Afraid to even talk. Avoiding the discussion. Hoping the conversation changes into something else that allows me to open my mouth with confidence.
A lot of you all know about my struggles with depression. A week ago, I had one of those days where I woke up on the wrong side of the bed (or basically the wrong side of life) and within hours of being awake, all I could think about is how better it would be if I got hit by a bus or shot dead. I looked at my life and all the things that have gone wrong and if it was possible to right the ship.
I responded to this feeling by writing myself a set of rules to abide by, set to make my life more enjoyable and rewarding. One of those rules? "Focus not on what you can't change, but what you can."
I've really been trying. But there is not one day that goes by when I'm not saddened by not having a big dick like so many other men out there. I try not to think about it, but it's an unfortunate truth that won't go away.
Today, I actually signed up for a free consultation for surgical procedures. It seems a bit much, I'll probably gawk at the price and not go through with it. But at this point, I need to try to do something to rectify the problem. :/
For other members with this issue: how do you cope?