Can People Tell You're Gay From How You Act ?

[IrishLad1990]

I completely shocked all my of mates in college when I told them, I didn't say anything 'till the end of our first year and absolutely none of them had copped it. I've been told I'm extremely "straight acting", to use a phrase I don't particularly like. The other gay guy in my class was a huge shock to everyone too, including myself. Not only did he not ping the dar, he's the last person I would have ever suspected.

My ma had even less of a clue, but it hasn't been brought up or mentioned since then.

My close mates (all lads), the ones I literally see every single day, always suspected it but it was less to do with my mannerisms and more to do with the fact that I wasn't chasing girls and constantly commenting on every girl we knew, etc, etc (anyone with a lengthy dry spell has faced similar speculation). I've been told if I was in any way "camp" or effeminate that they wouldn't associate with me so I think that says enough about my mannerisms. They're the type of lads that think all gay people are running around with jazz hands and handbags and whatnot.

I think with the amount of people coming out these days, it's starting to show that camp/flaming/effeminate (whatever phrase you wanna use) gay guys are actually the minority.

[Huntneo(PT)]

In my case...yes.

People knew I was gay before I KNEW I was gay. And even now, if the subject comes up...acquaintances and coworkers always tell me that they already knew.

I'm told most often that it's something about the way I 'carry myself'.

Also--it's so cute how some of the 'no one would ever know' people wear it as if it's some badge of honor.

[purina]

No, it's the pants.

[lucky7]

Also--it's so cute how some of the 'no one would ever know' people wear it as if it's some badge of honor.

And half of them are deluding themselves.
So many "masculine" "laid-back" or "everyone was shocked" gays you can tell at first sight with any gaydar at all.

[IrishLad1990]

I think saying people are wearing it as a "badge of honour" might be a little unfair. The reason I like the fact that I'm not camp is because I like contradicting the stereotype of a "gay man" that everyone has over here.

[HunterM]

No, it's the pants.

Ah...when you see a hot guy walking by, your pants make a tent eh?

[RazorzEdge88]

[alphaxxx]

No one has ever asked me if I'm gay or straight but I'm sure some people must have a feeling. Probably my closest friends cos I never talk about girls and sex with them so maybe they kind of know.

[G-Lexington]

I don't recall who it was, but there was a gay guy who was still technically closeted at age 35 or so. I told him "You realize that while you've been staring in fear at that closet door, your flames burned down the closet walls years ago?"

Lex

[Scealle]

Most people are shocked when I told them I am gay. They usually expect something different as I am not flamboyant nor very masculine. But I though the fact that I really like figure skating and had been single for 21 years is a dead-give away. But oh well. Strangely enough most of my friends haven't really met any gays prior to me.

[ibill1]

Since I was out at 17 in the 70's, I really don't know, to be honest. After I met Steve, we were always together and I guess it never had to be asked. A few times at work when the conversation was about family life I just talked about Steve alot, so it was obvious. Only once some girl said she was disappointed because she was going to ask me out, so, I guess to her, no. I think in my situation, how I act, no, but who I would always talk about, yes.

[TheFallenAsexual]

People generally don't know and are shocked to find out. Every once in a while, someone will pick up on some facet of my personality or actions and guess it. But most of the time, I slip under the gaydar. Not by choice. Some people see my enthusiasm for sports, laid-back demeanor and flirtatiousness with women as "straight" behavior. Their own ridiculous thinking and assumptions.

Then there's also that cluster of folks that see me as asexual--like some sort of outgoing muppet or cartoon character that doesn't hook up with anyone.

[sixthson]

I was not surprised to hear that Huntneo and Lucky7 were gay. NaughtyArousal on the other hand would have been shocking if not for the parasol he always has with him.

[TheFallenAsexual]

I don't get it.^

[The Fly]

People are generaly surprised when I tell them but I wouldn't go so far as to say "shocked". I think the shock aspect was as much in response to people admitting/owning thier sexuality as much/if not more than the sexual orientation itself. The exposure/acceptance of gays in the last two decades has greatly erroded the mystery of the differences between orientations.
I've been refered to as "staight acting" or "masculine" by gays, straights, and even a tranny I know, and it's never offended me in the least. I believe when someone says "straight acting" it's simply to equate a set of mannerisms/interests/activities to this individual that is associated (sp) with straight guys. I will never understand why some folks get all upset over this term.

[Pianist]

I am at the age where no one cares.

[ibill1]

This question bothers me in a way. When all of these people respond with shock because you don't act gay, is this suppose to be a compliment? I mean, do these people think you will feel better about yourself if you don't act gay? It appears to me that some say this for exactly that reason. Like there is something wrong with acting gay. I only bring this up because if you read this thread the amount of posters that said people responded with shock just seems exceptionally high. I'm not doubting any of the posters experiences, I'm doubting the sencerity of the responders.

[AWP82]

Also--it's so cute how some of the 'no one would ever know' people wear it as if it's some badge of honor.

Just for the record, I didn't mean it that way.

[Huntneo(PT)]

Just for the record, I didn't mean it that way.

Oh, I wasn't necessarily singling anyone out from this thread. I meant more in general.

[quasar]

I came out back in '83 so I don't really need to keep coming out to people anymore as I just assume that newcomers to my social circle already know or will be told by others. There have been some that have made a point of coming up to me when they've found out and said, "Blah blah just told me you're gay, is that true?" "Yes, I thought you already knew." "Well...no, I hadn't really thought about it, I've always just thought of you as 'David'."

WTF is that supposed to mean!

[blackbeltninja]

And half of them are deluding themselves.
So many "masculine" "laid-back" or "everyone was shocked" gays you can tell at first sight with any gaydar at all.

Hmmm. Not sure how fair this is, if I'm honest.

I mean, if OTHER PEOPLE are surprised when I tell them, how am I deluding myself that I'm not obvious? Unless you're saying that EVERYONE I know is lying...

-d-

[pat grimshaw]

^ Different people perceive different things so that's why I didn't respond to Bender's original question in the OP. I can't answer a question on behalf of other people and their (often unspoken) perceptions.

[timboy]

I only discuss it with people i really care about some say REALLY some say YEP KNEW IT others assume and i dont give a fuck

[Rolyo85]

Also--it's so cute how some of the 'no one would ever know' people wear it as if it's some badge of honor.

I know, right? Personally, I love it when people think I'm gay. Means I've purged most of the straight-acting out of my system and am just being me. I'm gay, why should people think otherwise?

[MoePhoenix7]

Also--it's so cute how some of the 'no one would ever know' people wear it as if it's some badge of honor.

I’m learning to not be flattered when someone tells me I could pass for straight, and that's the most confusing thing of all b/c for as many people who say they think I could, there are plenty of others who think that I'm flaming. Tbch, I don't even know what I am like, but I know making sure all of my sentences don't rise as they end is a full-time job - and it is fucking exhausting.

As a gay male, you understand that while you'll always find peers who allow you to be exactly as queeny as you are, there is still a social hierarchy that puts a premium on masculinity. Tops are valued. "Straight-acting" is a badge of honor, despite the term's corrosiveness. I'm not immune to this – my eye wanders toward men who appear to be more on the masculine side, and I don't know why that is. Shavings of internalized homophobia that litter my brain is most likely the culprit. :|

The crucial truth is that because gay men are still expected by society to be more feminine, we can either surprise people and get that aforementioned superficial, kind of unsavory thrill or we can just do what the fuck ever. We've all got masculine and feminine aspects to our personalities (even straight people!) and to express those things in their entirety can be great fun and liberating.

[Rolyo85]

I’m learning to not be flattered when someone tells me I could pass for straight, and that's the most confusing thing of all b/c for as many people who say they think I could, there are plenty of others who think that I'm flaming. Tbch, I don't even know what I am like, but I know making sure all of my sentences don't rise as they end is a full-time job - and it is fucking exhausting.

As a gay male, you understand that while you'll always find peers who allow you to be exactly as queeny as you are, there is still a social hierarchy that puts a premium on masculinity. Tops are valued. "Straight-acting" is a badge of honor, despite the term's corrosiveness. I'm not immune to this – my eye wanders toward men who appear to be more on the masculine side, and I don't know why that is. Shavings of internalized homophobia that litter my brain is most likely the culprit. :|

The crucial truth is that because gay men are still expected by society to be more feminine, we can either surprise people and get that aforementioned superficial, kind of unsavory thrill or we can just do what the fuck ever. We've all got masculine and feminine aspects to our personalities (even straight people!) and to express those things in their entirety can be great fun and liberating.

That's fairly thoughtful actually. I guess it's easy for me to be all ideological about it, because I grew up in denial in Eastern Europe, so neither my visuals, nor my mannerisms are overtly flaming. But that said, I've made it a point to "gay myself up" a bit, or at least to not care about who thinks what, and even going a bit out of my way to let them know I'm into dick. But people still aren't sure about me on first glance, and most are confused by the "gay or European?" conundrum anyway haha.

[Stoowii]

Some can, some can't. I'd say about 50/50.

[reone]

Also--it's so cute how some of the 'no one would ever know' people wear it as if it's some badge of honor.

I think we've seen enough on this forum to recognize that even amongst gay men it seems typical that being masculine is preferred to being effeminate. I agree with Moe's point that all people have 'masculine' and 'feminine' traits. I personally have something of a problem with people classifying a trait as either, but society has done it regardless. I think that, really, the only true feminine traits are birthing and breastfeeding. I can't think of anything else right off that females do that is feminine by nature. I don't believe that there's anything inherently feminine about having a lisp or a 'broken wrist' or having a higher rate of inflections when you speak.

I work with children and you would be shocked at how early this kind of thing is drilled into them. There are four and five year old boys that will flat-out refuse to wear painting smocks because they are purple or even blue and have flowers on them, and then I have the parents that actually complain to me about not being selective about color coordinating things to their children's gender. I had a woman nastily tell me that she would wait for a smock that didn't have "fruits and flowers" on it for her son (there are no fruits on it, by the way, only flowers). It's insane.

I think an important thing to note with consideration to this thread is that many people that might assume that you are gay from how you act will most likely not say anything. It's not something that most people that you interact with that do not know you will bring up. They may notice something and draw a conclusion and go on without saying a word to you. It seems like most of the people in this thread are referring to people that they have 'come out' to, though.

[thatgirl]

I work with children and you would be shocked at how early this kind of thing is drilled into them. There are four and five year old boys that will flat-out refuse to wear painting smocks because they are purple or even blue and have flowers on them, and then I have the parents that actually complain to me about not being selective about color coordinating things to their children's gender. I had a woman nastily tell me that she would wait for a smock that didn't have "fruits and flowers" on it for her son (there are no fruits on it, by the way, only flowers). It's insane.

It's true, many parents feel really strong about it.

Reminds me of this segment of What Would You Do? where they did a social experiment in a shop which involved parents reacting to a little boy wanting a princess costume for Halloween and a little girl wanting to be Spiderman:

'You Can't Be a Princess'



Gender socialization gone crazy. Some of the adults were afraid that the children would grow up to be gay or lesbian and they believed that this behavior should be "nipped in the bud."

I think an important thing to note with consideration to this thread is that many people that might assume that you are gay from how you act will most likely not say anything. It's not something that most people that you interact with that do not know you will bring up. They may notice something and draw a conclusion and go on without saying a word to you. It seems like most of the people in this thread are referring to people that they have 'come out' to, though.

Yeah, this is basically the way I approach it. I would never go up to someone and guess their sexual orientation. And if they decided to let me know on their own terms, I still wouldn't be like "OMG, I KNEW IT!" It seems really inappropriate.

[Wvnudist]

No one is aware I'm gay they think I still like pussy which thankfully I don't I can't come out cause I live in small town I'd have to move if I did get foundout unfortunately

[backagain]

I would say yes but some people don't want to see.

It happened to me years ago.
It was a co-worker that I told that I was gay.
The response was "I thought you were a confirmed bachelor"

I said they don't exist.
They are gay.

[alister]

Mostly no, but some people can. Before I came out to him, my boyfriend first told me he thought I was gay because I liked to bake

[xbuzzerx]

Can people tell you're gay from how you act ?

Or are they shocked when you tell them ?

No and yes.

I always assume there may be a degree of people being polite (most people say "wow you don't act gay at all!" like it's a huge compliment) but I have always consistently been told I don't "act gay" at all and most people are surprised when I tell them.

[xbuzzerx]

And half of them are deluding themselves.
So many "masculine" "laid-back" or "everyone was shocked" gays you can tell at first sight with any gaydar at all.

There's a flipside to that. People love to feel smart by going "oh yeah, I guess I could see it" AFTER you tell them. But I have never had anyone ask or imply it to me.

[gayguy21]

I've gotten mixed answers.

There are a lot of people that are shocked when I tell them that I'm gay and some just plain don't believe me.

Then I have others that will tell me they knew I was because they would see me checking out guys that walked by me, guess I'm not too discreet with the looking lol.

[wikke1]

Most people tell me (as in a compliment): "Oh, I wouldn't have guessed", but I can't say they're really shocked.
Frankly, I think after I tell people, they might think "Riggght, why hadn't I figured that one out sooner?"

The feeling I struggle most with, is the fact (Im' 28!!!) I still feel like in a way I let my parents down, by being gay.
Although they never told me this.
So the above posts about treating little children struck a chord with me ... sigh ...

[GregKII]

Definitely, when came out, my friends were like "We knew..."

[geloge]

Some people was surprised... my best male friend said he knew since the moment he saw me for the first time.

[TheFallenAsexual]

The majority of people are shocked. Others claim that they had a feeling once I tell them. I'm apparently very laid back, which doesn't make me come across as gay o.o I always end up laughing when people tell me that, though.

Ahhhhhhhhh, I am SO there with you.

Like in order for the gay to work in their eyes, we need to be jumping off the walls sprinkling glitter into the air or something.

I think in general, the "obvious" factor is made too big a deal of. I don't take people's shock at my being gay as a compliment or something to be proud of. I also don't take it as them seeing me as masculine. They just have generic/closed-minded ideas of what gay men are like and I happened to miss their faulty criteria.

[Swellegant]

I don't think anyone is shocked, though I am not as obvious as I once was, and people have had to ask, or have to be told (like the women who hit on me at the gym). People are more shocked by my age and my ethnicity, which don't show so well.

However, I am frequently surprised to learn that people are straight. I know so many men who have the gay accent and dress really cute and have little quiffy hairstyles...then I find out their married with children. Which doesn't, of course, automatically mean they're 100% straight, but it certainly does put them out of my dating pool.

[Huntneo(PT)]

Like in order for the gay to work in their eyes, we need to be jumping off the walls sprinkling glitter into the air or something.

love.

[xbuzzerx]

Ahhhhhhhhh, I am SO there with you.

Like in order for the gay to work in their eyes, we need to be jumping off the walls sprinkling glitter into the air or something.

That's auditioning for Twilight.

[Musik2400]

Depends where I am, who I'm with, and what I'm doing. over all I would say that no people can't usually tell I'm gay from how I act, and back when I used to go out of my way to let them know, most people were shocked... but nowadays it doesn't even register to me. I sit and have a conversations with someone, talk about significant others comes up, I mention my boyfriend, and then we're onto the next topic. So I dunno. Little column A little column B.

[tombastep]

This question bothers me in a way. When all of these people respond with shock because you don't act gay, is this suppose to be a compliment? I mean, do these people think you will feel better about yourself if you don't act gay?

I think there are people who do look at it as a compliment without totally realizing it or trying to imply it, but I would never take it as one. I have to say no one has been overtly "shocked" when they found out my sexuality, just every now and then you hear the "You don't come off gay" and I usually just shrug it off.

[Fritz-the-Cat]

Well my one friend was asking if I was gay, because I seem to have a soft voice (not ladylike necessarily) and
I guess I do have feminine mannerisms: twiddling fingers, crossing legs knee-over-knee, even pursing my lips.

[SLOPPYSECONDS]

Straight Tours alls a welcum
ans here a plaetonicthics man wot a pose fa you genuine stoneys
* awsum *
& he gay or straight? &
dunno go ask him only da guide
& hey you suck ma dick &
ooh guess ya dick just no do it
& fake &
no it a dig out big hole ans bit a comb not bad methinks
^ ans wot this? ^
well surpriseeeeeee females was around then too
- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -
ooh yes here free bromide drink wit nap time meds
- GULP -
close 1

* shift ova? *
^ good luck ^

thankyou

[Stoowii]

Straight Tours alls a welcum
ans here a plaetonicthics man wot a pose fa you genuine stoneys
* awsum *
& he gay or straight? &
dunno go ask him only da guide
& hey you suck ma dick &
ooh guess ya dick just no do it
& fake &
no it a dig out big hole ans bit a comb not bad methinks
^ ans wot this? ^
well surpriseeeeeee females was around then too
- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -
ooh yes here free bromide drink wit nap time meds
- GULP -
close 1

* shift ova? *
^ good luck ^

thankyou

I've cracked the code.

[weinerslav]

Sometimes...

I don't know if it is me or if it is my boyfriend's fault, we spend a lot of time together and if that isn't enough to make everybody wonder, he likes to complaint about how distracted I am in front of everybody while I keep rolling my eyes until they hurt. On the other hand, it makes it easy for me so I don't have to make a draw to no one lol.

[LatimerRd]

Only when they see me with a big dick up my ass while I'm simultaneously sucking cock.

[reone]

^They probably still aren't sure even then.