This is a bit of a long message, but I really need your help. I really do believe there is a way to life, but I'm currently sick and tired of suffering, and am planning to take my life sometime next week when I am alone. This forum is my last ditching effort to seek help, after seeking it from friends, family and counselling.
I am of Sri Lankan origin and come from a semi-conservative family. I knew that I had gay tendencies from a young age, but I also felt attracted to girls. I was always the quiet, non-social kid all the way through primary to high school, although I did open up towards the end. I was bullied a couple of times when in school, and through middle and high school my friends always seemed to have a problem or two with me. There was always one kid in my group who would decide they didn't like me, and would instead spend time trying to turn the group away from me. This continued on throughout even to high school. I never really knew how to fight it off, because I myself struggled with any form of self worth. I've never really been into sports, or anything at all, and I struggled to create romantic relationships. I forced myself to seek girls and everytime I would create a relationship, I would feel completely empty inside. Growing up in various countries in Asia, everyone was homophobic, and I kept on taking a back seat everywhere because I was scared people would find out about the real me.
I went through a phase of depression towards the end of school which disabled me from performing well, and I felt very much alone. I thought I would change all this when I got to university in Australia, and started off well. I was doing extremely well in my grades, I felt invincible. I didn't make many friends but as soon as I did, the same thing happened. People would continuously use me and then dump me. In my second year, I moved away from my old group, and met this really nice and beautiful girl, and become really close with this one guy. The guy and I would hang out all the time, and we formed a really close emotional bond, while the girl and I increasingly spent time together. I wanted to take things further with the girl just because I felt it was right, but I started to grow overly-attached to the guy. The guy to this day I'm sure was completely straight and when he realized that we were becoming really attached, decided to cut the friendship with me. At the same time, the girl was swooped in by some other jock, and they began to go out.
I was lost again having to balance a job, study and feeling of utter worthlessness. I would spend most of my time in bed because I did not have the stamina to do much else when I wasn't working and my grades began to suffer. The Residential Advisor, who is basically a student advisor and form of pastoral care for our floor in our residential college started taking an interest in me as I started talking to him from time to time. We ultimately got really close, and he was there for me. I don't know when but at some point, we began to fall for each other, and this caused a lot of problems for him because I was a pastoral care issue that he had to take care of and it conflicted with his job. However, one day before the holidays we ended up hooking up and I had my first proper sexual experience with a guy. I had never ever had anything more gratifying and it terrified me, while also making me jump over the moon. As uni continued on, I tried to get better and he was there for me, but there was a lot of stress because the brunt of my sexuality was weighing down on me and we were hooking up in secret because everyone thought he was straight.
I didn't really know how to express anything to any other friends I had, and it put me in a deeper and darker place. I ended up attempting to take my life last October, and unfortunately I survived. Things started to get better then, with me getting into a proper relationship with the guy. However, I still struggled with depression and kept on slipping here and there. This February, the senior management at my college caught wind of my situation after a couple of crises and sent me back to Sri Lanka to take 6 months off uni. This only made things worse for me because I did not have the only support network (my boyfriend) with me and to make things worse, long distance got so difficult because he was struggling with a lot of difficult issues and I was all alone and only looking to him as a form of support. We ended up breaking up, and I don't know how I survived past that. I came back to uni in July, and things were weird between us, with us still hooking up, but him saying that he didn't love me anymore but that he still wanting to be my friend and supporting me. I understand now that being my boyfriend would have been too stressful to him, seeing me self-harm, etc.
We continued having small issues, until they erupted end of October and we took a month apart from each other. During the time I was away in Sri Lanka, many people had found out about us, so many of his friends stepped in and tried to keep the both of us apart. He said he wanted space from me. The past two months have been alright. I've been seeking help and trying to get better so I can show him I can be better. However, he is moving away to another city next month, and that will be most probably the last time I will get to spend with him. He says that I mean a lot to him, and after he gets his space that we can be friends, close ones even. However, I'm struggling to spend any time away from him because I feel he's the only one who knows me well, and I just feel that he's just another person who has abandoned me.
I have tried hooking up with other guys and girls since we broke up (I know he has been actively getting it on with a whole load of people) but I just don't get turned on anymore. I end up finishing them off, but I barely even get hard. The only time I can jack off is when I think of him. I'm so so sexually frustrated, and feel so alone. I'm scared to reach out to anyone else because I feel like they will leave me. When I'm amongst other people, I feel like I'm the odd one out, i don't know why I just do. I have also struggled with my penis size, which in general is 5 inches, and only at rare times increases up to 5.5. My body never really looked good. Thus, I am shy to go out too much and meet others. My boyfriend used to always tease me about it, and although I was fine with it when we were together, I feel really low about myself when I look at myself now.
I don't have any talent, any social skills, any looks, any sexiness. I'm a big fucking loser who is trying to find purpose in life. I don't want to tell my parents about myself because they are so homophobic. I can't even hook up with anyone because I don't find anyone attractive. My body is telling me to take my own life, but something small always stops me, knowing the finality of it all.
I know that I'm the only one who can help myself, but currently I can't.
I hope and pray someone on here and tell me something.. this is the last place where I'm giving myself a chance.