Homophobic slurs at home. What do I do?

[mikey3000]

I have an elderly and sick mother who lives with me in my home. Now I'm not out to her, but I think my sister but the bug in her ear that I may be "queer", and now, like never before, she lets the homophobic, "tootie fruiti" slurs slip. I once defended LGBT rights to her in a public confrontation, and that may have been my mistake because since that incident, she has looked at me differently.

Lately her condescending attitude towards me is getting to be too much. She has just a few months at most left to live, but her comments hurt beyond belief. I am torn between just ignoring them or comming clean to her then packing her off to a home for her remaining days. Any suggestions?

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Come out completely.

[CupidBoy]

My dad calls me a faggot all the time, he's 5'7 and has a little man complex so I just make a comment about his height.

[M10000]

Its why they call it "in the closet".

You just have to deal with it UNLESS you are able to be completely be independent from your family if the worse happens and they disown you.

[HunterM]

Like others have said, come out to her. Don't give into her power of words to hurt you. She only has a few months to live. Old people are set in their own ways. She is not going to change her mind. And you can't make her. Let her be...if that's the only thing that is bothering you from her. It's only words. Show your compassion toward her during her final days.

Try dealing with a parent who does not remember who you are most of the time.

[sixthson]

"Shady Pines, Ma".

But seriously, she is at the end of her life. Come clean with her and tell her you expect her to respect you. You can do it with love.
If it was originally your plan to keep her until the end of her life, do so even after you talk to her. You won't regret it.

[RaKroma]

Since you were hiding the truth from your mother for all these decades of your adulthood, were you even thinking about coming out to your elderly mother before this issue arose, especially when you know she is dying? You have to make the final call on what you want for your own peace of mind. This situation is especially sensitive since we're dealing with a dying mother. Think of the long term consequences positive or negative that will arise from your other family members and are you prepared to face them now when you didn't want to for all those decades?

[thatgirl]

If she has a few months to live, do you think it'll make much of a difference on her opinion of gay people? If you had told her earlier, maybe she would've had time to develop her views on this for the better but I think now she'd only have time to go through the "shocked and hurt" phase of you coming out to her since she is homophobic, like you explained. Or maybe she is trying to get under your skin so you can finally come out to her and be honest. Who knows.

But if it's something you feel that you need to do for yourself, I guess just do what feels right for you while taking into consideration that coming out to her might only make the situation worse.

[borg69unimatrix]

My dad calls me a faggot all the time, he's 5'7 and has a little man complex so I just make a comment about his height.

"It takes a big man to say what you just said... Oh wait, I forgot whom I was speaking to."


But seriously... to the OP - Don't let it get to you. Not that she's right, but you have to remember she's from a totally different era, and is programmed differently. Not to mention, at her age she's probably not firing on all cylinders.

My BF's granny says amazing things she doesn't mean. She's been thrown in jail, people stole her babies, family is stealing from her(ALL NOT TRUE)... and she forgets she's missing a leg and tries to get up and walk.

Try to not take it personally and wait it out if you're not willing to tell her the truth - which she may or may not believe/understand anyway.

[The White Stripe]

I'm not out to my parents and they both use them all the time. I don't say anything and if I do I usually say something about how the world is changing and people are going to have to accept the homosexuals sooner or later, so they might as well start now. Its frustrating to hear these things from my own parents, but I know once I do come out they will feel either very ashamed or very angry. However considering that she is ill, it might be better to just let her say what she wants with little back bit, don't you think? Now may be the best and only time to tell her. If she is as sick as you say she is, it couldn't hurt any more than what she is already doing.

[CupidBoy]

If she has a few months to live, do you think it'll make much of a difference on her opinion of gay people? If you had told her earlier, maybe she would've had time to develop her views on this for the better but I think now she'd only have time to go through the "shocked and hurt" phase of you coming out to her since she is homophobic, like you explained. Or maybe she is trying to get under your skin so you can finally come out to her and be honest. Who knows.

This is how I feel about your particular situation Mike, and as for my comment, well that's how I deal with it, just brush it off and/or say something back. Obviously you can't say something like that to your mom though. Just realize she doesn't understand and I'm sure she doesn't mean to hurt you. Best wishes.

[kombatwombat]

Ask her why she'd want to spend her last days being miserable and mean.
Wouldn't she prefer to go out with a calm mind?

[BENDERBOY]

Well if the pillow over the face isn't an option, you'll just have to grin and bear it.

[mikeyjon]

Sounds like your sister needs a smack.

[Kahaih]

Sounds like there’s some mean tension in the home.

Fear of what’s coming, etc. ???

You do know that it’s common/normal for people who have lost most or all of the control of their lives to lash out at the people closest to them, right?

If the stress has/does come to be too much to handle, maybe some away time is in order. Elderly day care once in a while, perhaps.

But do your best to keep what bond you have with her ‘til the end.

[FPNY]

I often wonder how many people make remarks because they don't think it effects anyone in their audience. I doubt your sister would make remarks similar to the queer remark about a black guy in the family. I noticed and appreciated the decrease in the anti gay rhetoric after I came out. I know I changed more than a few people's opinion of what it meant to be a gay person...

[backagain]

Have her go live with your sister.

[JWaggy]

To play devil's advocate here, should you remain silent on the whole issue, the memories of your mother in her final months will be of a sniping, suspicious homophobe--who doesn't know her own son is gay. If you should come out to her, she could continue to be the sniping homophobe, or she could surprise you. You'll have to live with it either way, so it comes down to you.

[mikey3000]

All great advice. Thank you.

Firstly, there was never any homophobia growing up in my house as a kid. Never a negative remark, even though we had gay neighbours. The homophobia started only after my sister spoke up, though still I don't know how she came up with it. To her and to most of the women in my family, men don't need any outside friends. Even as a kid, outside friends were discouraged, but especially when I grew up. Any social needs should be met by your family, and only your family. To this day, neither my mother nor my sister have a close friend. I was raised by all women with no male influence at all as my emotionally absent Dad died when I was 10. Come to think of it, when I was a kid and invited to sleep overs from school, my sister called me a fag. Hmmm...

Anyway, yes my sister does need a smack. She is psychotic and won't have Ma over for more than a weekend every six months (because of her busy schedule) yet tries to poision her mind about me because she is trying to get me disinherited. None the less, the comments do hurt. No I haven't been hiding in the closet for decades. I just discovered my need for male affection six years ago, and I'm only out to those who really matter at this point, my wife, some close friends, and I think my kids know.

So, I grin and bear it or Shady Pines... Can I still give good ol sis a smack? I like that one best of all.

[bankside]

Well if the pillow over the face isn't an option, you'll just have to grin and bear it.

THAT was funny...

[Gimmecat]

Well if the pillow over the face isn't an option, you'll just have to grin and bear it.

I do like the 'shady pines' idea, that could work just bring up how nice "Nurse Rachett" and the orderlies in white coats are.

[Ram]

I have a spot for old, dying people (which is why I give Lilbit my attention) so I tend to ignore the racist, homophobic shit they say. I don't know, I guess she is going to pass on sooner or later, might as well just tolerate it and make her hate-lived world a little more hate-lived by keeping mum about.

And that's how you get into the will, ladies and gentlemen.

[rareboy]

Also try to take into account that because of her illness, there may be some degree of mild dementia that can change someone's personality.

I think that what you have to do is make sure that she understands that you'll be with her to the end.

And just be nice to her.

[Hard-up1]

I'm glad you are airing it here.

As you are married, the problem, if your mother actually is directing the snipes at you, may be that social morality is being defied, or that a religious taboo is violated. When it was your neighbors, those issues may have not been relevant since they were not "jeopardizing" a family.

In any event, if she is of sound mind, then a simple injunction might be imposed, without apology, and state that the expressions of hate are unwelcome in your home, about anyone.

If she is not of sound mind, then air your pain elsewhere and bear it.

In all events, kicking her out is a bad choice.

And, don't let Bendy try to sell you on his Senior Care Services. Whatever he charges to do that, it is too much, like the rest of his rate schedule.

[sixthson]

You deal with your mother and sister in two different ways. The next time sis comes over, you stick your finger in her face and tell her she is welcome in your home as long as she can respect you and your home. If she can't she is not welcome. If she complains you are keeping her from her mother, remind her that the choice is hers.

If your plan had always been to allow your mother to die at home, then that is what you should do even now.
People like to think that everyone who goes through the dying process mellows into sweet, kindly gentlefolk. Dysfunctional people tend to stay dysfunctional. Angry people tend to remain angry.

Tell both mother and sister that you are not straight. Secrets are not good and especially now when they can be used as weapons, they are especially bad. Get your wife involved in the conversation with them.

[rareboy]

By the way, your sister is trying to get you cut out of the will.

[mikey3000]

Yeah, I kinda got that, loud and clear.