Straight college roommate drama

[wanker90]

Don't get any ideas, it isn't what you think. So my college roommate and I have been super close since freshman year. But now I feel as though we're starting to drift apart, and it's more of his doing than mine. I'm embarrassed to admit that I haven't made very many friends over these past two years, so he's basically like my best friend. But now he's starting to do his own thing and hanging out with his own friends, leaving me out. I know he doesn't mean anything malicious by it, but once I'm done with my last class for the day I go back to our room all by myself. I don't have anyone to talk to (besides my parents) outside of him. And now he's told me that he's moving into a suite with three other guys next fall semester. He said he wanted me to move in with them but I don't feel comfortable with that arrangement. I expressed to him that I prefer if it were just us like its always been. But I guess nothing good lasts forever.

[xbuzzerx]

Don't put all your eggs in one basket. You should try to make more friends.

[Nishin]

More room and privacy for your own sex(y) dates

[oakpope]

^you're in college and you have only one friend ? High time you make new acquaintances. Aren't there club or anything where you could meet people ?

[G-Lexington]

He's expanding his social circle, you haven't. He's moving into a new place, and is offering you a spot in the new place. I don't really see any drama here.

Lex

[wanker90]

^you're in college and you have only one friend ? High time you make new acquaintances. Aren't there club or anything where you could meet people ?

My crippling shyness and social anxiety won't allow it.

[xbuzzerx]

My crippling shyness and social anxiety won't allow it.

Time to challenge that. You're not going to get over shyness or social anxiety by staying in your room and only talking to your roommate.

[oakpope]

I'm a social anxious person too. Have you try to join low social club like chess clubs ? I joined othello/reversi in my college years, and they didn't required a lot of social interactions But it gained me some good friends over the time.

[rareboy]

What everyone else has said.

Ask your friend to help you get out there and overcome this shyness.

You are making a prison for yourself.

If you need counselling and anti anxiety meds, get them.

[blublud]

You really need to take that one giant step forward. Once your foot has landed, you'll be glad you did.

[HunterM]

You must face your fear with a vengeance! To break out of your shyness/shell...move into a nudist colony. You won't be shy after living there for 1 year.

[sixthson]

It sounds like moving with him and the other guys might be a good way to force you to socialize. If he moves away, are you left on your own or with a strange new roommate? If you have no roommate, you will only isolate more than you do now. If you get a new roommate, it seems like the suite with the other guys is the better choice.

[GregKII]

However hard it may be for you.. You NEED to get out there and meet some people, go to a bar, or go to the campus lounge.. hell pledge a Frat, but you have got to get some more social interaction. I personally would advise you to move in with he and the other guys, then you would have no choice but to talk to some new people--If we were at the same college [I'm in FL] I'd come talk to you, and not just because you're cute!

[G-Lexington]

I'd definitely take him up on his offer to move in with them. That'll multiply the number of potential friends you're interacting with.

Lex

[Kien]

Like everyone else suggested, take the offer. I think it's nice that he wants you to come along. And this is a great opportunity for you to expand your social circle.

[diamondstar]

No drama. Either learn to be alone or find friends and hope you're not disappointed.

[wanker90]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. The only thing about potentially moving into the suite is that all his friends are very extroverted and rowdy. I've met them before and they kind of sensed I was very quiet, so they didn't take too well to me. When they come around I'm always the odd guy out of the bunch. When it's just me and my roommate I can be myself but I don't care for the other guys. Also I likely won't be able to afford living with all of them.

[Seasoned]

You're in a tough spot, being anxious in social situations. I can imagine what that's like because my son is on the autism spectrum and while high functioning he's not interested in social relationships.

However, it seems that you are, being that you cherish your one close friendship. I'm not sure moving with him would work especially if you won't work on establishing connections with the other roommates. You could find yourself a lonely, jealous mess. But I have to agree with the others who suggest expanding your connections through the least stressful social groups. Game groups or book clubs come to mind. Any hobby that would get you connected ought to be looked into.

Come back to the forum often for input. It's no fun being isolated and it's unfair to over rely on any one person to provide all your social needs. I think if you safely push yourself you'll be rewarded. Best wishes.

[animalius]

Haha, you obviously have no idea what real drama is.

[ZmercTheDuke]

Join like the anime club or WAR games club. Majority the people there arn't exactly social butterflies either. Their usually nice, and welcoming. If not join other organizations, that pertain to your major; that how I meet people. You have a common interest with your field of study, so theirs an ice breaker.

[wanker90]

Do you guys think it would be selfish to convince him to skip out on getting the suite? He did tell me that if I wasn't cool with it he'd room with me another year. We have a complicated friendship and we've shared so much with each other, so he would do anything for me. As much as I want him to myself, I don't wanna keep him from his other buddies.

[xbuzzerx]

Do you guys think it would be selfish to convince him to skip out on getting the suite? He did tell me that if I wasn't cool with it he'd room with me another year. We have a complicated friendship and we've shared so much with each other, so he would do anything for me. As much as I want him to myself, I don't wanna keep him from his other buddies.

If you would like to keep living with him but legitimately can't afford the new place he wants you guys to go in on, then I don't think it's selfish to throw him your preference.

If your sole motivation is "I want him to myself and I don't want to have to socialize with his friends" it is selfish and it's also not good for you.

[The White Stripe]

Most campuses have groups for people with similar interests. Mine does. You should try finding one that suits you, that way you have something in common with those people right off the bat. Maybe something that would compliment your major? I understand the shyness problem, however once I started working with the public it slowly went away. My advice is to try and slowly come out of your comfort zone. If the worst that could happen is an "awkward situation" then so be it. Do what you think is best, but try and not put all your happiness on one person. That is too much pressure. Good luck.

[G-Lexington]

Do you guys think it would be selfish to convince him to skip out on getting the suite?

Honestly, yes. It sounds like he's made several accommodations in your direction over the years, and I'm thinking it's time you returned the favor.

Lex

[rareboy]

Do you guys think it would be selfish to convince him to skip out on getting the suite? He did tell me that if I wasn't cool with it he'd room with me another year. We have a complicated friendship and we've shared so much with each other, so he would do anything for me. As much as I want him to myself, I don't wanna keep him from his other buddies.

Absolutely. I don't care how complicated it is. H has told you that he would like to room with a group of other guys.

Seriously. I think you might need some real qualified counselling to help you get a grip on this before it runs out of control.

[wanker90]

But how exactly is it selfish if he's cool with it? I mean, I'm not begging him not to room off campus next year, but I would prefer it if he didn't. I've always been there for him in the past, and when he was having issues with his family, I was there to console and listen to him. He's knows about my complicated social issues and told me he'd always have my back no matter what. And in this instance, I need his support. He's my ONLY friend and if we're separated I won't know anyone and I'll become even more reclusive. Living off campus isn't an option for me and if I could afford it I still wouldn't do it.

[xbuzzerx]

But how exactly is it selfish if he's cool with it? I mean, I'm not begging him not to room off campus next year, but I would prefer it if he didn't. I've always been there for him in the past, and when he was having issues with his family, I was there to console and listen to him. He's knows about my complicated social issues and told me he'd always have my back no matter what. And in this instance, I need his support. He's my ONLY friend and if we're separated I won't know anyone and I'll become even more reclusive. Living off campus isn't an option for me and if I could afford it I still wouldn't do it.

Because you know what he wants to do and the reason you want to do the opposite is because of your issues which you should be trying to overcome and not enabling.

I agree with the other posters-- if you are unable to do it alone, you need to see a professional.

[oakpope]

Wouldn't you have some crush on him by chance ?

[Kien]

I think your dependence on him will prove to be dangerous, both for you and him, later in the future. Life goes on. What if he gets a girlfriend and spends more time with her? You will feel much more lonely as you grow more dependent on his presence.

Either you should be taking steps to conquer your social anxieties by considering the advice people have suggested here or learn how to cope with loneliness. I'd go with the former.

In your OP, you said this:

But now I feel as though we're starting to drift apart, and it's more of his doing than mine. I'm embarrassed to admit that I haven't made very many friends over these past two years, so he's basically like my best friend. But now he's starting to do his own thing and hanging out with his own friends, leaving me out.

I don't believe it's his doing at all. Humans are social animals and he wants to socialize with others. He's not leaving you out in this situation. He's giving you the opportunity to socialize more, but you're leaving yourself out. I'm not antagonizing you, I just don't think that it's socially productive for either of you to just basically say, "Hey, I'll be lonely if you move out, so just stay with me." You're perpetuating your social anxieties, increasing dependence on him, and inhibiting his social capability to extend his network.

But if you allow him to move in with the other guys and if you move in with them, you expand both of your social circles and taking steps to conquer your social anxieties(it might not seem like that at first, but you'll definitely benefit later on).

[LaughOutLoud]

You've 3 options...

1) Go on to be a lonely, social recluse, living somewhere that he ain't, reluctant to go out and meet new people.

2) After he moves out, get out there and meet new people.

3) Take up his offer, carry on living with him, whilst at the same time widening your social circle.


The secret hidden 4th option of everything staying the same and you carrying on to live alone with him isn't there, so get over it. Choose one of the 3 options above (just not number 1, hopefully).








Hi Kien

[The White Stripe]

In addition to what I said, I second what Kien said.

[MissAnne]

But how exactly is it selfish if he's cool with it? I mean, I'm not begging him not to room off campus next year, but I would prefer it if he didn't.

He would just end up resenting you. Then you could have real problems.

Let him venture out and enjoy himself. Its college. You only have those years once and he wants to try a new experience. I lived in a suite freshman year and it was really enjoyable.

[wanker90]

Wouldn't you have some crush on him by chance ?

No. Well, at first I did have a small crush on him but that was when we first met. He's like a brother to me now

[aaronxp]

Join here: www.Socialanxietysupport.com/forum

We'll understand you better.

[oakpope]

Join here: www.Socialanxietysupport.com/forum

We'll understand you better.

And the only sub-forum in this site is the LGBT...

[JWaggy]

But how exactly is it selfish if he's cool with it? I mean, I'm not begging him not to room off campus next year, but I would prefer it if he didn't. I've always been there for him in the past, and when he was having issues with his family, I was there to console and listen to him. He's knows about my complicated social issues and told me he'd always have my back no matter what. And in this instance, I need his support. He's my ONLY friend and if we're separated I won't know anyone and I'll become even more reclusive. Living off campus isn't an option for me and if I could afford it I still wouldn't do it.

There's nothing wrong with asking someone for help or support. You're roommate, however, is not the person you should be asking/depending on. It's not fair to either of you. If it's really such an issue, go in and talk to someone on campus--they should be well equipped to help you or give you the information of someone that can.

[wanker90]

I've talked to a professional about my anxiety a few years ago. They prescribed me some medication that made me dizzy. Didn't really calm me down in social situations so I stopped taking them. I'm not as bad as I was my freshman year, but I'm not super-improved either. It's not easy for me to make friends. Even quiet people, like myself, think I'm a total weirdo. To be honest, when I met my roommate freshman year, we didn't click right off the bat. He was one of those jock-ish type straight guys that I wouldn't get along with in a million years, but rooming together forced us to socialize and he became very tight. When I came out to him we both cried and shared so many other special moments over these past two years. I couldn't imagine myself functioning without him and if he goes off campus for junior year I'll be devastated.

[JWaggy]

To be honest, when I met my roommate freshman year, we didn't click right off the bat. He was one of those jock-ish type straight guys that I wouldn't get along with in a million years, but rooming together forced us to socialize and he became very tight. When I came out to him we both cried and shared so many other special moments over these past two years. I couldn't imagine myself functioning without him and if he goes off campus for junior year I'll be devastated.

I feel for you man, I do. But that is too much to put on just one person. Friend or boyfriend, if someone wants to progress in life, it's unfair of you to ask them to stay because you'll be devastated otherwise.

If it's not an option for you to follow him or him to stick around, have a real conversation with him about the way you're feeling (it sounds like the avenue is already open for that). Say "I hope we can be as close as we are now even though you're moving out", "I expect to see you nearly everyday man", "I don't mind hanging out at your new place if you don't mind my being there on my days off", etc.

I'll stick by my suggestion to go talk to someone and explain to them that the medication you tried wasn't the right avenue. There are fixes to social anxiety beyond drugs.

[sixthson]

If he moves with the other guys, he will still be your friend, you just won't be living in the same dorm room.

The fact that you were able to become friends with him when he is exactly the kind of person you normally wouldn't, shows that you can do it again.

[Hard-up1]

What Kien said.

You have been fortunate to have had such a good roomie.

Hanging on to it would only be a crutch that would enable you to continue your dependence on him. Keep him as a friend, love him as you go your separate ways in life, but take heart and force yourself to meet a new friend, and then another, at your own pace.

[legend145]

I think me and you are a lot a like. I had roommate freshman year and we didn't exactly click when we first met. Towards the end of freshman year we were closer but still not that close. After freshman year he was going to room with 2 other guys. I didn't know where I wanted to live at the time and I was close to one of the two guys he was moving in with. So I moved in with my roommate from freshman year and the 2 other guys. One of the guys I was already close to did his own thing and that's when my roommate from freshman year and I got really close. I told him a lot things that I wouldn't tell anybody. He was my first best friend. He was such a good friend that I fell in love with him. By the end of our sophomore year he was making plans to find a apartment with one of the 2 guys I was rooming with. The one roommate I was originally close to was doing his own thing. He was also looking for an apartment. Where did this all leave me? By myself. It hurt during the summer because I missed my friend so much. Whenever he sent a text I would just smile because he just made me happy.( Frank Ocean's Channel Orange was my summer theme and I resonated so much with his letter)Entering my junior year I had totally different roommates and I didn't-still don't talk to them much. In the beginning of the year I kept up with him and we would text each other a lot. I was so in love with him that I became depressed. It's was hard to go day to day without him. Not a day went by that I didn't think about him. It wasn't healthy for me to love someone that didn't feel the same way about me. He doesn't know how I feel or felt because I never told him because I respected our friendship. If anything, I always wanted us to be friends. I thought about telling him how I feel, not because I expected reciprocation, but just to get it off chest. At times though I questioned our friendship, for example, I was never invited over his apartment(I never asked either) while his other friends were. I eventually went to his apartment not because I was invited but because I had just happened to be walking with him back from an event. I felt like the friendship was more important to me than him. But that's not a fair statement because I had more feelings. I was thinking as friend and even beyond that (he was my world). I decided that I needed to move on. I stopped texting him and decided I was going to do some productive things to keep my mind off him. Do things that would make me a better as a person. I did more volunteering, started working out seriously, and joined several clubs and organizations at school. I kept myself busy. When you're busy there isn't time for you to be depressed. We still keep in touch but I'm not really obsessed about him anymore. I still care about him and I still have feelings but they aren't controlling me anymore. I said all that because I'm shy just like you. I don't get anxiety attacks but being social is just not my thing. I don't have many friends. I can probably count them with my fingers to be honest. I was left alone. I set goals for myself and accomplished a lot of them. I isolated myself from my former roomate and his friends because I needed to focus on myself. Advice: I Do something that will help build your confidence and make you a better person ( hobby, sport, volunteering, etc). Don't mope around. Your friend looks like he is moving on to other things and it's best that you do the same. Your friend is happy, you are not. Do things that will make you happy. Know that you have friend in legend145.

[G-Lexington]

I'm starting to think this is an economist thread, where, before dispensing any advice, I said "Well, what sort of answer are you looking for?" But I'll stand by my posts.

Lex

[oakpope]

^^ Wall of text is hard to read.

[rareboy]

I've talked to a professional about my anxiety a few years ago. They prescribed me some medication that made me dizzy. Didn't really calm me down in social situations so I stopped taking them. I'm not as bad as I was my freshman year, but I'm not super-improved either. It's not easy for me to make friends. Even quiet people, like myself, think I'm a total weirdo. To be honest, when I met my roommate freshman year, we didn't click right off the bat. He was one of those jock-ish type straight guys that I wouldn't get along with in a million years, but rooming together forced us to socialize and he became very tight. When I came out to him we both cried and shared so many other special moments over these past two years. I couldn't imagine myself functioning without him and if he goes off campus for junior year I'll be devastated.

So you just gave up?

You need to seek out medical and psychological assistance again.

The world shouldn't have to bend itself around you, even if you think everyone is 'cool' with it.

They aren't.

By not doing anything proactive to improve your own mental health and happiness, you are actually being manipulative and destructive.

Make an appointment. Sit down with your doc.

[Telstra]

You're in a tough spot, being anxious in social situations. I can imagine what that's like because my son is on the autism spectrum and while high functioning he's not interested in social relationships.

However, it seems that you are, being that you cherish your one close friendship. I'm not sure moving with him would work especially if you won't work on establishing connections with the other roommates. You could find yourself a lonely, jealous mess. But I have to agree with the others who suggest expanding your connections through the least stressful social groups. Game groups or book clubs come to mind. Any hobby that would get you connected ought to be looked into.

Come back to the forum often for input. It's no fun being isolated and it's unfair to over rely on any one person to provide all your social needs. I think if you safely push yourself you'll be rewarded. Best wishes.

Best advice ....

[legend145]

^^ Wall of text is hard to read.

Sorry. I didn't know how to space it out. It wouldn't let me tab the paragraphs.

[MoufOfKhaos]

Uhmm. I don't see the issue. He offered you a chance to be with him and make new friends, which could help you in the long run and your bond with him would grow as well.

You can't have your friends all to yourself. So... branch out.

[AlmondMilk]

I agree with pretty much what Kien said. If rooming with them will be a financial burden, it might be best not to room with them. But it also seems like you really do have a strong friendship with your roommate. Something like this, I don't think will go away so easily. If you many of those intimate moments with each other, I don't think he'll just throw away your friendship either. I think it would be wise for you to possible find a new place or even a new roommate especially if he really wants to room with the other two. There's nothing wrong with that. anywho, good luck with whatever you decide on!

[Beachguyj]

Just stay friends with him. Be glad he offered you the chance to move in there too.

[floridaboy]

you can talk to me

i'll be your friend, im kinda the same, havent made that many new friends lately

and who likes to be alone?