Hey everyone. My name's Jojo. I'm a 19 year-old fashion student, and lately I've really been in a rough place. I wanted to share my story so maybe I could get some advice or maybe help someone else with a similar issue to not feel alone. When I was younger, before I even understood I was gay, I was bullied severely. I grew up Catholic & went to a very small private school. Because of the bullying, I became terribly homophobic (heterosexist, really). I wouldn't even let friends that were male touch me. I grew out of this about a year or so later as I discovered my sexuality (I was about 12). I didn't accept it, though, until I was about 14. I was suicidal and very angry at the world until I embraced my sexuality. In high school, I was extremely open about being gay; in fact, I almost enjoyed being bullied because I felt it made me a stronger person.
Eventually I wasn't looked at as a freak, but a survivor and a role model, really. Teachers and students would tell me everyday about how proud of me they were, and how they (even adults) looked up to me. I was a Victoria's-Secret-Tote-carrying, spray-tanned, sparkling (literally, I wore Victoria's Secret glitter lotion) fairy. I was so gay. & I owned/loved it. Now, I'm in college & I live in a huge dorm...most of the guys on my floor still don't know that I'm gay. I've changed my entire wardrobe and personal style. I look like...well, a straight guy; "swag" is a popular word people would describe my look. But the most important and predominant change I've experienced is my attitude. This was really recent (just a couple months ago). I'm taking a Human Sexuality class, and we (my class) learned that no one is really "born gay" (at least, science hasn't proven it). I always prided myself for being "born this way." We were told "Of identical twin males, with the exact same genetic make-up, only 52% were both gay." This means that because not every gay identical twin has another gay twin, homosexuality is thought to be both biological and sociological; that homosexuality is learned. I grew up playing with Barbie dolls, dressing up as princesses (for one Halloween I was Belle from Beauty & The Beast), and wearing make-up.
What I've been feeling lately is...a kind of betrayal from my mother (who has given up everything for my brother & me). I've started to be really self-loathing again while also hating flamboyant and expressive gays. I adore RuPaul's Drag Race, and seeing gay men in the privacy of my own room be their selves isn't an issue. In public, though, I can feel myself getting angry and annoyed. I used to be the gayest of them all, and now I can't handle being in a room with a guy that has a limp wrist. I also notice that...I'm really into abusive and demeaning sex. I also just want to whore around. It's this weird desire I just started having, and I know it's not my libido (I need a therapist...ha).
Anyway, I've come to this site because I know the community here is strong and amazing. I've always wanted to join in, but I never really felt comfortable doing so...probably because it is a porn site. Thank you so much for taking the immense amount of time to read this and for any responses, I sincerely appreciate your efforts/input.