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  1. #1
    Respira MissAnne's Avatar
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    "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    Sorry to post another Prudence letter but this one was just too good...

    Dear Prudence

    Is It Time To Get Over It?:

    When my ex and I were married, we had trouble conceiving and years of heartache. I thought our marriage was strong enough to survive this, then I discovered he was having an affair with my sister. We had a huge, traumatic confrontation and my then husband and I decided to move and make a fresh start. A few weeks after we moved, my sister gave the news that—surprise!—she was pregnant. My ex then divorced me to start a family with her. Because I'd just started a new job and had a mortgage, it was financially impossible for me to leave. I stayed in the new city by myself and eventually made friends and settled there. My parents were also very hurt and angry, but when the baby came they mellowed and reconciled. My niece is now 5 and I have never met her. We take turns attending family functions because I can't bear to be in the same room as them. Recently my parents gently asked if I would consider having a Christmas dinner with my sister. I told them I would think about it and I really did. I took a deep breath and went on my sister's Facebook page for the first time. There, I saw hundreds of happy pictures of them as a family. My ex-husband kissing her after she'd just given birth, photos of the happy first birthday party, family trips, etc. She was tagged in a status update from my ex: "Celebrating another amazing anniversary with my beautiful wife, thank you for giving me so much happiness and our perfect daughter." I literally vomited after reading that. After five years, is it time for me to get over it and try to force myself to at least tolerate their company?




    Dear LW

    It's no wonder what you saw made you sick to your stomach. The violation against you was enormous. However, I don't think you should conclude that the only way you could be with them is to have a bunch of air-sickness bags with you. You have been in a bubble of denial for the past five years, so a tidal wave of evidence of the happy family life you feel these cheaters stole from you is bound to be overwhelming. If over the past few years you'd had some minimal contact with them and knew your niece slightly, you would be in a different place emotionally now. Yes, you might have still concluded you want nothing to do with them, but you would have made that decision from a more rational place. So give yourself time. You may want, possibly with the help of a therapist or even a friend, to give yourself some desensitization therapy. Instead of consuming pictures of the past five years at one gulp, over the next few months you could look occasionally at pictures of your niece. She is the innocent party here, and focusing on her might enable you to see that painful as it is, something positive has come out of all this. But Christmas is too soon for this. If you are going to find yourself being able to be in the room with this reconstituted family, it would be better to do it at a less loaded time—say a weekend in February with no connotations of holiday joy. Whatever you decide vis-a-vis your sister, be proud that you have moved on and built a happy life for yourself. (And how often do brothers- and sisters-in-law get it on? Just a few weeks ago I got a letter from a woman whose fiancé impregnated his brother's wife, but the brother remains none the wiser.)
    " For all there is to feel, let it be felt"
    ― Emeli Sande

  2. #2
    PerScientiam AdJustitiam bankside's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    Oh, those heteros….
    Two journalists killed during live broadcasts by madman smothering them with pillows. Because remember, guns don't kill people....

  3. #3
    JUB Addict DigitalFudge's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    They are going to need her one day, I mean really need her. I know what it's like to be shown something that makes you literally throw up, happened to me about a month ago.



    If I was her I'd show up to EVERY family function, happy, excited, and filled with life as if nothing ever happened. However, if the Husband or the Sister even tried to approach me I'd pay them dust.


    They abandoned her, left her helpless, and in a horrible situation. Not to mention a new home, a new job, a new city which is enough on its own to hire a therapist.


    Both the Husband and Sister don't deserve to have her in their lives and have shown no effort in mending fences, doesn't mean she can't enjoy the company of her less douchey relatives.

    It's not this woman's responsibility to fix a relationship/s she did not destroy.


    I wonder who will tell the kid how her existence came to be.

  4. #4
    The Hairy Dude MTLDude's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    Viva la Vasectomia!!!!

  5. #5
    Respira MissAnne's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    Quote Originally Posted by DigitalFudge View Post
    Both the Husband and Sister don't deserve to have her in their lives and have shown no effort in mending fences, doesn't mean she can't enjoy the company of her less douchey relatives.
    True. Her staying away is beyond understandable. However, it makes it easier on them.
    " For all there is to feel, let it be felt"
    ― Emeli Sande

  6. #6
    JUB Addict DigitalFudge's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    The facebook status would have killed me.

  7. #7
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    For some reason when I read the title I thought this was going to be about someone the OP personally knew.


    Quote Originally Posted by DigitalFudge View Post
    If I was her I'd show up to EVERY family function, happy, excited, and filled with life as if nothing ever happened. However, if the Husband or the Sister even tried to approach me I'd pay them dust.

    ...

    Both the Husband and Sister don't deserve to have her in their lives and have shown no effort in mending fences, doesn't mean she can't enjoy the company of her less douchey relatives.
    Spot on.

  8. #8
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    Obviously, the issue is still not resolved after 5 years from her point of view. She needed closure that she didn't get while busy building a new life on her own in a new city. She needs to, once and for all, put it all behind her and truly move on with her life. Why should she continue to give her sister's family so much power to upset her emotionally? Here's what she should do.

    Show up for the holiday dinner, drink a glass of wine or two or a bottle. Then start a god-damn-knock-down-drag-out-hair-pulling fight with her sister and her ex like the Jerry Springer show. By showing them there are consequences for their actions, she is getting the closure that she so desperately needs. STICK IT TO THEM!!! Uh...wrong choice of words 'cause that's what her ex husband did to her sister...but you know what I mean.

  9. #9
    stop the bullshit rareboy's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    Her parents are morons.

  10. #10
    PerScientiam AdJustitiam bankside's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    It does make the case for spaying and neutering, doesn't it?

    (And before anyone jumps on me to say I'm insensitive for speaking in that kind of hyperbole, I actually mean that literally.)
    Two journalists killed during live broadcasts by madman smothering them with pillows. Because remember, guns don't kill people....

  11. #11
    The gay gargoyle G-Lexington's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    I don't even consider that "compensating". I had one FB friend start complaining about having to go back home for Thanksgiving dinner when she hated nearly everybody in her family, and I asked her why the hell she went. I think what I said was "Family is as family does. I'm sorry you got a bad deal in the family department, but you know what? Discard and draw again. You're under no obligation to hold those cards. Go find some people who DO like you, who DO support you, and THERE's your family."

    Lex

  12. #12
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    I agree there is absolutely no need to mend fences or keep in touch with her sister's family. However, she needs to get over her anguish and be able to face her sister's family without going through an emotional pain. She needs to heal old wounds. Say...she is walking down the street and spotted her sister's family (her ex, her sister, and her niece) walking toward her. Does she always have to duck and run the other way? Always changing direction because of her sister's family? If she does, she is giving her sister's family so much more power over her own life. Her niece (by her ex and her sister) is not going away from this world any time soon.

    She needs to be in control of her life. She should be able to go anywhere she wants to regardless if her ex or her sister or her niece will be there or not. It does not mean she has to accept them into her life though. She should be able to face them and not feel the hurt. That's when she knows she's healed.

    It's like breaking my leg while snowboarding. YEAH painful!!! It took me 6 months to heal. But it didn't stop me from going snowboarding and enjoy my life after that.

  13. #13
    PerScientiam AdJustitiam bankside's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    Quote Originally Posted by Hard-up1 View Post
    No, I rather think it makes the case for loving and helping those around you.

    When I was a child, neighbors and teachers and church members all helped in various ways. My mother had raised us in privation and want, and was so dead set on turning us against most of society. But, our upbringing was made better so many times by people bringing food and clothes, or paying for a summer camp, or driving us to school.

    When irreparable breaches occur in families, and they do happen, there are neighbors and those close to the orphaned family who do fill in the gap, if we are doing our job as a society.

    So, even though there may be an irreconcilable difference within a family, one may find redemption in yet helping those nearer, as that is really a charge we all have, to love the ones we are with.

    Is it compensating? Most certainly. Are needy and hurting people helped when they need it. Also, most certainly.
    You have called me out on the unwarranted cynicism of my tone. My apologies. However is not part of showing kind regard for people the commitment to stop them from taking on burdens for which they are demonstrably unprepared? I do not believe unhindered freedom of action is better as some kind of absolute. I do not believe leaving people to their own devices is by definition the best possible universal way for them to learn, grow, mature, discharge their responsibilities, find satisfaction in their lives, or bring satisfaction to their families.
    Last edited by bankside; November 29th, 2012 at 07:41 AM.
    Two journalists killed during live broadcasts by madman smothering them with pillows. Because remember, guns don't kill people....

  14. #14

    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    I believe family is more then blood relations.

    In my own family, there are some "black sheep" who just can't behave civilly, and as a consequence aren't invited to that many family functions. Being in the same gene pool isn't enough to make my family put up with their crap and be taken advantage of on a continuous basis.

    Yes, we would all like the stereotypical 50's/60's TV sitcom perfect family. But in all reality those kind of families seem pretty rare.

    I think people should spend time with those they CHOOSE to, whom they like to be around instead of those they feel obligated to.

    If I was the woman in the OP's post, I would have disowned the whole family.
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  15. #15
    Respira MissAnne's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    The grandparents are in a difficult position. I think that they are angry with their daughter for hurting her sister like that but they also have a new grandchild in which they want to get to know.
    " For all there is to feel, let it be felt"
    ― Emeli Sande

  16. #16
    stop the bullshit rareboy's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    So let them get to know their new grandkid.

    They just shouldn't have to expect the kid's auntie to join them.

    The wronged woman doesn't have much choice here except to forego all the high family holidays where everyone is supposed to attend. So she can see her parents on the off holidays. Like Boxing day, President's day, Good Friday, Veteran's Day, 3rd of July and Black Friday. Let her lying sonofabitch husband and her 'now dead to her' sister have Valentine's, Mother's Day, Father's day, the 4th, and, of course, Labour Day.

  17. #17
    ...is no hippie Harke the Boeotarch's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    Quote Originally Posted by GiancarloC View Post
    This story... ugh... shows total betrayal. And I don't mean to make a joke out of a bad situation... but this headline... reminds me of this man's show:

    The Mexican version of that show is even more amusing...


  18. #18

    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    Quote Originally Posted by aaronxp View Post

    I don't see any difficult position, I wouldn't allow to have him first over any of my children on christmas.
    Most grandparents go nuts over grandchildren. They have to be civil towards their daughter and the ex-husband so that they let them see the kid.

  19. #19
    Taint-Aholic vacancy3's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    this has to be florida

  20. #20
    Respira MissAnne's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    Quote Originally Posted by aaronxp View Post
    They kept into their family the unfaithful ex-husband of their daughter just because he and her other daughter gave them the grandchild the cheated daughter tried and failed to provide.
    Its not like they can kick the man out of their family. He is the father of their grand-daughter.
    " For all there is to feel, let it be felt"
    ― Emeli Sande

  21. #21
    JUB Addict Ninja108's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    Sad to say but just because someone is family doesn't mean they can't be scum..or that some things they do just can't be forgiven. I sadly know(as I'm sure many people here do) people whose families have disowned them for being gay or lesbian.
    This falls into that same level. The betrayal here is something that can't be undone.

  22. #22

    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    I cannot imagine being betrayed in such a way by a sibling.. that's absolutely ridiculous! What a terrible thing to do. I wouldn't be interested in having a relationship with any of them after such a sick, disgusting betrayal.. and to do it to a family member of all people. That's despicable.

  23. #23
    JUB Addict DigitalFudge's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    I mean, could she not find another man

  24. #24
    Respira MissAnne's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    Quote Originally Posted by thatgirl View Post
    If she was cruel enough to steal her sister's husband, I can see her manipulating her parents by limiting access to their grand-child if they were to side against him or ask him to not attend certain family events
    Yes, my thoughts exactly.

    LOL, the people on Prudence's advice column are dispicable. I just read one about a LW (a white man) who has an infertile Asian wife. He says that now that he has the option, he wants all White children. He would like his kids to look like their cousins and the children in their neighborhood. He says that he doesnt think that his wife has experienced racism but she should still understand his point of view.

    Prudence laid into him.
    " For all there is to feel, let it be felt"
    ― Emeli Sande

  25. #25
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: "My Husband Got My Sister Pregnant..."

    Quote Originally Posted by DigitalFudge View Post
    I mean, could she not find another man
    Yeah...and start her own family. The best revenge is to live a better life that they thought you couldn't.

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