Which do you prefer? Monogamous or open relationship?

[Laufey]

When you are in a long term relationship with someone do you prefer it to be monogamous or a open relationship?

[CupidBoy]

Couldn't do an open relationship, I'd get jealous.

[HunterM]

Couldn't do a monogamous relationship. I'd get bored.


Seriously, I've had open relationships. It was fun for the time being. I'm ready to go back for a monogamous relationship.

Take me! PLEASE TAKE ME!!!

[Misaki]

Monogamous without a doubt, couldn't imagine it any other way.

[AshyPhoenix]

I voted "Not sure". My boyfriend and I are in a semi-open relationship. We love each other enough that we're perfectly content being monogamous. When we first started going out we agreed that if an opportunity shows itself, then we can go ahead and do it without guilt. Aside from one time on my end, though, neither of us has taken advantage of it.

[genthree]

an open relationship is just another way of saying "you will do until something better turns up........"

[tombastep]

an open relationship is just another way of saying "you will do until something better turns up........"

I think that is an unfair generalization. I personally prefer monogamous, but there definitely isn't anything wrong with an open one. It's not better or worse. And sex isn't everything in a relationship, it can be intimate and it totally is with your "main guy" (I would assume) but it isn't always. With other people it would just be "sex", it doesn't have to be anything more than another activity you like doing, as long as you do it safely.

[loki81]

monogamous... I think I could only do an open relationship in exceptional circumstances.

my last relationship would have been great if it was open, actually. our biggest problem was that he had no sex drive, but we otherwise got along amazingly and had great chemistry. I could have seen dating him exclusively while getting my sex needs met elsewhere.

[Laufey]

I'm shocked at the results. I thought this was way more common in the gay community.

[panda29]

I would not be in an open relationship!!! Just for the chance of std's.....

[Hard-up1]

I'm shocked at the results. I thought this was way more common in the gay community.

Like politics, religion, and morality, the vocal minority often becomes misunderstood to be representative of the larger population.

The whole point of being in an LTR is for stability, and an open relationship inherently introduces instability, as it guarantees change.

Sure, you can cite couples who "successfully" live in open relationships, but the majority of people cannot, and indeed want to reserve something for a partner that is not available for casual contacts. Some will argue that sex is just sex, but for the majority of people, it equates to intimacy, and intimacy is not shared lightly.

For those that divorce intimacy from sex, would it not be logical that those men are less likely to be in an LTR anyway? That would make it even more rare to find a man who wants a constant companion but doesn't value monogamy.

The men who are able to be intimate with multiple partners simultaneously, without cherishing the LTR would be even more rare.

People can talk STDs, but it is psychology more than anything else, and cultural.

[Coward92]

I'm shocked at the results. I thought this was way more common in the gay community.

Thankfully no.
Life would suck even more for people like me if that was common.

[HoodedRat]

I haven't got the energy for more than one partner at a time.

[Sex Kitten]

Can't survive an open relationship.

[sixthson]

It is my belief that open relationships are dishonest at their core. The couple may be sexually open to others and they may have a relationship of sorts, like roommates, but what they do not have is true love. I do not believe it is possible to completely give someone your heart while withholding your body for your own selfish purposes. True love, romantic love, is an exclusive thing. It includes only two and excludes all others from this very intimate, unique part of our lives.

For everyone who claims to know a couple who have successfully had open relationships, I wonder how many more relationships have been destroyed by them.

[Harke the Boeotarch]

I blow my nose at your petit-bourgeois notions of sexuality (and bill-paying)!

[AshyPhoenix]

Someone asked me if the reason my relationship with my boyfriend is semi-open is because we live so far apart; I must say that that's entirely true. When my boyfriend and I are together, our emotional, mental and physical needs are fully satiated. I can't see myself being with another man when I either have my boyfriend staying with me or am staying with him. He's everything I need and more.

[Harke the Boeotarch]

^ Are you sure it's not because of your wide open anatomy?

[AshyPhoenix]

^ Are you sure it's not because of your wide open anatomy?

Look who's talking.

[loki81]

I think if my theoretical partner and I were separated by a long distance for awhile, that's a situation in which I'd consider going open temporarily... I wouldn't want him to start resenting the distance or feeling sexually frustrated, as long as we're talking about one-off hookups and not dating other guys.

[Scealle]

I would prefer Monogamous but I have such low sex drive. I think If I had a boyfriend would get really bored of me and go find sex some where else. I don't mind open relationships though.

[ronboy]

Couldn't do an open relationship, I'd get jealous.

Monogamous without a doubt, couldn't imagine it any other way.

What they said. Anything outside of monogamy opens you up to a whole bunch of nasty and hurtful things...

[G-Lexington]

an open relationship is just another way of saying "you will do until something better turns up........"

A monogamous relationship is just another way of saying "I can only keep this relationship alive by making sure you don't fuck anyone else"....

Lex

[tombastep]

Sure, you can cite couples who "successfully" live in open relationships, but the majority of people cannot, and indeed want to reserve something for a partner that is not available for casual contacts. Some will argue that sex is just sex, but for the majority of people, it equates to intimacy, and intimacy is not shared lightly.

For those that divorce intimacy from sex, would it not be logical that those men are less likely to be in an LTR anyway? That would make it even more rare to find a man who wants a constant companion but doesn't value monogamy.

Sex is not always just sex and sex is not always just intimacy. There are people who may not be able to separate the 2, but there are people who can and do. I love having sex with my boyfriend but every single time isn't super intimate, sometimes it is just fun. Sometimes I will kiss him for like 20 minutes (he finds kissing intimate).

It is my belief that open relationships are dishonest at their core.

It may be your "belief" that it is dishonest at its core, but it is not when both of the people in the relationship are honest about wanting it. There is no deceiving when both people agree to it.

[Coward92]

A monogamous relationship is just another way of saying "I can only keep this relationship alive by making sure you don't fuck anyone else"....

Lex

Well, Lex it is basically true. The problem however is taht in a good monogamous relationship you don't have to make sure that your partner doesn't fuck anyone else. He must make sure that he stays faithful to you.

[Saybrooke]

I've never been in an open relationship, so I'm not sure how I'd react.

[bankside]

When you would give your life for someone, it changes your priorities somewhat. It implies you would leave no stone unturned in a quest for his happiness. If there were a threesome under one of those stones, so be it.

I have yet to discover, or even really imagine, a situation where after thinking things through it would actually serve his happiness, mine, and the other guy's. I don't see it happening.

But when I got to know my guy, I wasn't just attracted to him "as a possibility." I felt compelled to let him know he was the one, and the place in life at my side was his for the taking. It was a necessity to at least make him that offer, regardless of whether he wanted to accept it or not. I felt I would have been committing an injustice if I had not let him know my feelings unconditionally.

So like all matters with my guy, if something seems necessary, then yes, I'd consider it without a second thought. But really, monogamy is working very well for us.

[Laufey]

I remember reading about a study from San Fransisco on open relationships for gay males. The results was about 50/50 if I remember correctly.

You could argue that the culture of the area makes it higher than in other places. But I have a hard time believing the difference can be as high as 10 times between areas.

[Hard-up1]

I remember reading about a study from San Fransisco on open relationships for gay males. The results was about 50/50 if I remember correctly.

You could argue that the culture of the area makes it higher than in other places. But I have a hard time believing the difference can be as high as 10 times between areas.

Believe it. The sheer incidence of homosexuality in San Francisco bears that out demographically. And, to an even greater extent, San Francisco has become an intentionally progressive community that self-identifies as an extreme in social, ecological, and other areas. It should come as no surprise that open relationships are perceived as progressive, even if the rest of society is not going to progress very far in that direction.

To understand it well, you should visit San Francisco and then have to tour Ohio, Pennsylvania, Mississippi, Florida, Minnesota, and a host of other areas of middle America. The contrast is apparent.

[cgymike]

Open relationships are a cop out IMO. People open the relationship because they can't make the relationship work and it is findamentally deficient. So...just no to them!

[LemonMonk]

I prefer the idea of an open relationship, but I don't think it really counts as a proper relationship. I have been in a monogamous relationship with the other gender briefly. Got bored very easily, open relationship would've been much better.

[cgymike]

^I disagree because an open relationship is by definition a form of relationship. I wouldn't say it's proper or improper. But the point is in most cases it fails. Sooner or later one of the original persons gets pissed off and it ends the original relationship. My thinking is that 99% of the time it could have been avoiding by better vetting the boyfriend for ltr potential during the dating process. Saying that people open the relationship because "they need sexual stimulation" doesn't cut it. They just didn't do the work in the first place to fix the problem and now they will just use others as a sexual band aid. Flimsy!

[SLOPPYSECONDS]

good reply this 1 wot repeat of eons

has fun

thankyou

[sixthson]

It may be your "belief" that it is dishonest at its core, but it is not when both of the people in the relationship are honest about wanting it. There is no deceiving when both people agree to it.

YOu missed my point. I was talking about love, you are talking about sex. The dishonesty is not that they don't hide the outside sex but that they pretend they have true love.

[JayHawk]

I prefer an open relationship for me and a monogamous one for my boyfriend....

But I have certain other requirements as welll.....

[pat grimshaw]

So I'm guessing not many JUBbers here will be making use of the marriage laws when the activists have finished harrassing the lawmakers to legislate for gays to get married.

[BENDERBOY]

Couldn't do an open relationship, I'd get jealous.

^This.

Now,

[JohannBessler]

My own views on the matter have morphed over the years.

In the beginning, my own relationship was completely monogamous. But years turn into decades, and the relationship matured, because we went through an awful lot of stuff together. Going through trauma together causes a certain kind of seed to grow, I think, that transcends a mere physical relationship.

Not too long ago, my OH and I made an agreement that each of us could take on a lover, if we wanted to, as long as we act with discretion. If he decides to do it, I can honestly say I wouldn't care a whit as long as he remains discreet.

I don't think a physical relationship can undo 22 years of maturing.

If you look around enough, you will find many of these long-term relationships.

[JayHawk]

So I'm guessing not many JUBbers here will be making use of the marriage laws when the activists have finished harrassing the lawmakers to legislate for gays to get married.

So twenty five to two for monogamy which is typically a marriage type thing... that monogamous stuff... yet some how you translate that to lack of desire for marriage? can you give me another translation please cause that one doesn't compute.

[CupidBoy]

^This.

Now,

Always.

[pat grimshaw]

@ JayHawk

I wasn't just tallying the poll numbers, I was reading the sentences and reading between the lines.

The activists are out in the streets demanding marriage but I want to hear their wedding vows. Will they be vowing to 'love honour and obey till death do they part'. And will they open up joint bank accounts? I think not.

[RaKroma]

There is a reason why Mormon polygamous cults are fucked up. Open relationships there don't workout as smoothly as they want us to believe. There is constant jealousy, infighting and power-struggles. Serious relationships are best left at monogamous level. Everything else is just people wanting fun without a lot of hard work that goes into serious relationships.

[xbuzzerx]

@ JayHawk

I wasn't just tallying the poll numbers, I was reading the sentences and reading between the lines.

The activists are out in the streets demanding marriage but I want to hear their wedding vows. Will they be vowing to 'love honour and obey till death do they part'. And will they open up joint bank accounts? I think not.

My (heterosexual) parents have separate savings accounts... I don't see how that's a defining part of marriage.

[loveguys72]

Open relationship = Jerry Springer show in the making.

[tombastep]

YOu missed my point. I was talking about love, you are talking about sex. The dishonesty is not that they don't hide the outside sex but that they pretend they have true love.

How would you actually know this?

[JayHawk]

@ JayHawk

I wasn't just tallying the poll numbers, I was reading the sentences and reading between the lines.

The activists are out in the streets demanding marriage but I want to hear their wedding vows. Will they be vowing to 'love honour and obey till death do they part'. And will they open up joint bank accounts? I think not.

Actually I know of quite a few folks myself included who have joint accounts, medical power of attorney, wills and all other sorts of legal protections since the mere existence of a relationship fails to guarantee that for me. I see many more folks with quick and short monogamy answers. the folks who seem to have something to say are those who want a open relationship.

All of that aside if you look at JohnBessler he is typifying the kind of long term security that would still have room for a young tryst. The youngster wouldn't get a damn thing but a proper spanking every now and again... in that situation i can easily see Johan and his mature lover marrying and agreeing to open sex. I think it much more likely you would like to see marriage come along and then no one use it so you could say "Aha!! I am correct"

Now back to more important things... Bendy... you were asking about a bad touch or two?

[Laufey]

There is a reason why Mormon polygamous cults are fucked up. Open relationships there don't workout as smoothly as they want us to believe. There is constant jealousy, infighting and power-struggles. Serious relationships are best left at monogamous level. Everything else is just people wanting fun without a lot of hard work that goes into serious relationships.

I perhaps should have made it clear that I meant open when it comes to sex, not romantic relationships.

Comparing that with having multiple wives or husbands is comparing apples and oranges.

[pat grimshaw]

…I think it much more likely you would like to see marriage come along and then no one use it so you could say "Aha!! I am co…

No I'm just comparing it to previous years of activism which was over important life-and-death issues like Aids and decriminalisation.
I think activism over a vacuous lifestyle issue like gay weddings isn't very good political strategy.

[mikey3000]

How about monogamish? I have one female partner and one male partner, and that's all I want. Works just fine.

[pat grimshaw]

^ does it works just fine for all three people? Do you have a shared bank account?