Coming Out...

[desertboi]

Ok, I'm new here and I need people to talk to. I have, in the last year or so, come out to myself and an ex-girlfriend that I am still very close with (as a friend). She was and still is very supportive. We talk a lot about it. She says she knew I was probably gay after the first time we had sex. She could tell I wasn't into it like I should have been.

But I figure that coming out to her and myself is a great first step, but now I want to start coming out to more people. I'm sick of living the lie. the only problem is... I'm super scared to do so. I have no idea how people will react and I don't know how it will affect my life.

So I need people to talk to, to give me advice, to support me. It's one of the main reasons I joined JUB.

[menRsexii]

i wish i had advice but im kinda where you are. id say just make sure youre really comfortable with yourself and identity before you start letting everyone know. ive waited for a long time, at one point i though that i could NEVER tell my family or friends... like it just was never going to happen. but more recently, ive warmed to the idea more and more. i guess im becoming more comfortable with it all and as long as im good with it, thats the main part (at least in my case).

just dont rush it. make sure youre ready

[desertboi]

Thanks, I feel the same way you used to. Although I've already accepted it myself andim very happy about it. I have slowly started to come around to the idea of fully coming out, but I don't want to rush it.

[Rolyo85]

Here is the advice:

1. Keep a clear head. Trust your knowledge and reasoning, not your fears. You will know who you can trust, even as you're trembling from irrational fear.
2. Take a deep breath.
3. And just tell them.

It does not get easier with time and obsessing over it, there are no secret tricks to avoid the fear, not at first. The first few people you tell are always scary, until you find out the secret the rest of us are already in on, which is that nobody outside your head cares nearly as much about your being gay as you do. Find your circle of friends, your support group, and then draw strength from them to go public. Don't ask them to keep it secret, just let the news spread if it will. Put it on Facebook (it won't show up on anyone's newsfeed, this thing never does), put on a rainbow bracelet. Let people ask you, and tell them without fear. But for now, just go case by case and follow the three steps I gave you. It will get easier the more people you tell, and you will find your wings.

[Seasoned]

You can lessen the fear of coming out by realizing it's only the people closest to you that need to be told. Once that happens fear subsides to the point where you begin living honestly and openly. Best wishes.

[desertboi]

Here is the advice:

1. Keep a clear head. Trust your knowledge and reasoning, not your fears. You will know who you can trust, even as you're trembling from irrational fear.
2. Take a deep breath.
3. And just tell them.

It does not get easier with time and obsessing over it, there are no secret tricks to avoid the fear, not at first. The first few people you tell are always scary, until you find out the secret the rest of us are already in on, which is that nobody outside your head cares nearly as much about your being gay as you do. Find your circle of friends, your support group, and then draw strength from them to go public. Don't ask them to keep it secret, just let the news spread if it will. Put it on Facebook (it won't show up on anyone's newsfeed, this thing never does), put on a rainbow bracelet. Let people ask you, and tell them without fear. But for now, just go case by case and follow the three steps I gave you. It will get easier the more people you tell, and you will find your wings.

I think you're totally right. I am starting to think already about who I will tell first and who I should wait on. I can honestly say that in the past year or so I have become more and more comfortable wit
H the idea of coming out. Thanks for the advice!

You can lessen the fear of coming out by realizing it's only the people closest to you that need to be told. Once that happens fear subsides to the point where you begin living honestly and openly. Best wishes.

See, I still struggle with this aspect, because I can't help but feel that a lot of people will find me being gay a big deal. It scares the hell out of me to be honest. Thanks for your input, though!

[Rolyo85]

They won't. And if they do, it will be in a positive way. And if it's not, why the hell would you want those people in your life anyway?

[justanothershyguy]

They won't. And if they do, it will be in a positive way. And if it's not, why the hell would you want those people in your life anyway?

+1 to this. Look at Seasoned's signature: "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

[desertboi]

No you guys are right, I'm probably making a bigger deal out of this than what it really is. I guess what scares me is the fact that once I come out, it's permenate. But why would I be scared of that?

[desertboi]

Ok here's another question for you all, what about parents? I'd have to say that my biggest concern is how my parents will react. I understand that if a friend doesn't like me because I'm gay I can find a new friend, but my parents are different.

[Seasoned]

I would say it's important to realize what it means to you if you have to lie to your parents in order to have a relationship with them. It makes you live in fear. It increases internalized homophobia and makes you guilty and perhaps angry. It's quite debilitating.

There are no guarantees, but most parents rise to the occasion when it comes to what's best for their children. I'm a parent and I knew that at the moment of the birth of my children my role was to protect, nourish and accept. Give them a chance.

Best wishes to you. Stay in touch here.

[desertboi]

I would say it's important to realize what it means to you if you have to lie to your parents in order to have a relationship with them. It makes you live in fear. It increases internalized homophobia and makes you guilty and perhaps angry. It's quite debilitating.

There are no guarantees, but most parents rise to the occasion when it comes to what's best for their children. I'm a parent and I knew that at the moment of the birth of my children my role was to protect, nourish and accept. Give them a chance.

Best wishes to you. Stay in touch here.

Thanks, Seasoned. I really appreciate having people to talk to about all of this. It makes things much easier for me.

[Seasoned]

You're welcome. Many if not most if us have been where you are and we all have a story to tell. Those of us who contribute regularly on this forum have people's best interests in mind and heart. It no fun being scared and alone. We can't predict how your coming out will go, but based on ourselves, our friends and what we read here, we know that somehow you have everything you need to more on to a freer life. Those who have had the worst possible outcomes with parents find ways to survive with surrogates. But, like I said, most parents come to some degree of acceptance and some surprise by becoming advocates. I hope yours live up to my expectation, but if they don't we'll do what we can to help you until you have more people supporting you in your daily life.

Go at your own pace. Don't think any of us are forcing anything on you, ok?

[desertboi]

Oh I don't think any of you guys are forcing anything on me. Like I said, it means a lot to have people to talk to about this. It's a slow process, but I feel like I'm making some serious progress. Just a little over a year ago I couldn't even admit to myself that I was gay. Now I embrace it!

[Rolyo85]

In addition to Seasoned's post, I would say that, hard as it is, you are never truly out until you come out to your parents. It's the hardest part of coming out, and the most important one. Plan well, and bear those things in mind:

1. You don't know how they will respond, but you can predict. Are they ultra religious? Are they simple people who would adhere mindlessly to scripture, or does their religion leave space for compassion and understanding?

2. Are you financially dependable on them? Do you live with them, do they pay for your college? If you are not at least 75% sure they will still support you, even if they aren't ok with you being gay, you should take your time and do your absolute best to become independent as quickly as possible. Remember - coming out to the parents can be postponed, but it can't be avoided.

3. It took you years - for many people decades - to come to terms with yourself. Most parents - except for the most liberal thinking and accepting ones - will also need time to come to terms with it. If they are decent people it will take them far less, but don't expect a positive response right away. Coming out to the parents is never not awkward, so prepare yourself for it. Maybe they will surprise you

There are other advices - be smart about how you phrase it, be prepared to answer some basic questions if they have them, and do NOT argue about whether it's a choice, phase or whatever. NEVER argue. Make it clear that this is what it is, it has always been and it will always be and it's one thing there will be no argument about.

[desertboi]

In addition to Seasoned's post, I would say that, hard as it is, you are never truly out until you come out to your parents. It's the hardest part of coming out, and the most important one. Plan well, and bear those things in mind:

1. You don't know how they will respond, but you can predict. Are they ultra religious? Are they simple people who would adhere mindlessly to scripture, or does their religion leave space for compassion and understanding?

2. Are you financially dependable on them? Do you live with them, do they pay for your college? If you are not at least 75% sure they will still support you, even if they aren't ok with you being gay, you should take your time and do your absolute best to become independent as quickly as possible. Remember - coming out to the parents can be postponed, but it can't be avoided.

3. It took you years - for many people decades - to come to terms with yourself. Most parents - except for the most liberal thinking and accepting ones - will also need time to come to terms with it. If they are decent people it will take them far less, but don't expect a positive response right away. Coming out to the parents is never not awkward, so prepare yourself for it. Maybe they will surprise you

There are other advices - be smart about how you phrase it, be prepared to answer some basic questions if they have them, and do NOT argue about whether it's a choice, phase or whatever. NEVER argue. Make it clear that this is what it is, it has always been and it will always be and it's one thing there will be no argument about.

Great advice, Rolyo. I really appreciate it! I am still a college student (I graduate in May ) and I think it is best to wait to tell my parents until after I graduate and I am 100% self-relient.

My family is religious, but they aren't "fanatics" or anything like that. My mom has made comments in the past about how "being gay is gross" when she sees a gay couple together. She has always been supportive of me in the past, but coming out is unlike anything else that's ever happened before in my life. I guess only time will tell how they will react.

[Rolyo85]

On that note: parents always assume you are straight - they're too afraid not to - so they never speak with consideration for the fact you may not be. Just because she says that... thinks that... doesn't mean she will just apply it to you. She will be put off, confused, maybe angry. And then she will start thinking about it from an entirely new point of view, and will probably come on board. My parents also had the same thoughts and said the same things. They got over it.

The key is - plan well for it, don't just randomly do it, but also don't let your fear make you postpone when you don't have to.

[desertboi]

Thanks man! I think you're right, I have a feeling she will be angry at me for a while but she will eventually come around. If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take for your parents to come around and how is your relationship with them now compared to before you told them you were gay?

[Rolyo85]

To be fair, I am not sure they have yet. My mom never had a real problem with it, she was mostly afraid I would be alone (in her defense, she lives halfway across the globe, in a country where gays aren't really any relevant part of society, and mostly closeted). My dad got depressed about it, but he is doing his best to deal, AND his overall attitude has not changed, other than to add a little elephant in the room he doesn't want to talk about. I am lucky though - my parents are atheists. In the end, all they need is time, and they are still just ass supportive of me as before. My mom even asks me about my romantic life.

[desertboi]

I think you're right, my parents will ultimately support me. I guess that for whatever reason it scares me to think that they will disown me. It's kind of an irrational fear though, I think.

[justanothershyguy]

It's not an irrational fear. I believe it's completely natural for you to be worried that someone you care about suddenly won't anymore. Heck, I'm like that with everyone I've told. If you give them time, help them understand if they don't, and show that being gay doesn't change who you are, then they will be there for you.

[desertboi]

I have been thinking about this too, if they like me (or in terms of family... love me) now they will like me after I come out because I'm a gay man now. The only difference is that after I come out they will know that I'm gay. I won't act any different... thanks for the input!

[Rolyo85]

By the way, this is wrong, and in a way, it's also part of internalized homophobia and the fear of of coming out.

You WILL be different. Not just irrationally, in their eyes, but in reality. Coming to terms with yourself and shedding the burden of the Big Lie change you in so many ways. I can honestly say that I've rebuilt myself in the last two years and to a big degree I am no longer the person I was before. But it is never simply a change. If you believe in yourself and do not hate yourself for being gay, it is always an UPGRADE. You become a better person, stronger, more compassionate, more understanding and conscious to the world around you. Do not fear the change, and others will embrace it too.

[desertboi]

By the way, this is wrong, and in a way, it's also part of internalized homophobia and the fear of of coming out.

You WILL be different. Not just irrationally, in their eyes, but in reality. Coming to terms with yourself and shedding the burden of the Big Lie change you in so many ways. I can honestly say that I've rebuilt myself in the last two years and to a big degree I am no longer the person I was before. But it is never simply a change. If you believe in yourself and do not hate yourself for being gay, it is always an UPGRADE. You become a better person, stronger, more compassionate, more understanding and conscious to the world around you. Do not fear the change, and others will embrace it too.

Excellent point! I can't wait to stop living the lie and just be myself.

[wikke1]

Great posts by ROLYO84 in this thread, although you did make a Freudian Slip somewhere in the last few sentences of post # 19

[Rolyo85]

I did that, didn't I ^_^