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  1. #1
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    Should I tell my girlfriend im gay??

    Hi All
    I'm not sure how to write this so I am just going to start typing.

    I have been dating a girl for almost four years now, we meet at university which has finished this year. For the past two years we have been living together but now that we have finished studying we are both looking for jobs.

    I guess I have always known that im gay but I have never been able to accept it myself, and as I am from a small country town which is relatively homophobic I have never really considered coming out.

    I sincerely love my girlfriend we share everything in common and she is my best friend, but as we have been going out for almost 4 years everyone (friends and family) have been asking me when we are going to get married. I love this girl but I know that it would not be right to go any further in our relationship.

    For about the last 3 or 4 months i have started to become disconnected from her and we have stopped having sex. She has started asking me what is wrong and i just keep saying that i have been stress about uni work or job hunting but truthfully i think that i have finally accepted that I am gay.

    I really dont want to hurt her but i know that the best thing for the both of us would be if we broke up, but im not sure how to do it. I have been waiting for her to get a job and then i was going to try and get one somewhere else and take the cowards way out?
    I think that i should tell her the truth because if i do come out to other people i think it would be less painful if she heard it from me. But i am not ready to tell everyone else so i dont know what i would tell people when they ask why we broke up, for example my parents, and i wouldnt want her to tell anyone either.

    To make things more complicated i recently joined a gay dating site and i have met a guy that i like and he has told me that he likes me but we have not met yet. I really want to meet him soon but would have to travel and questions would be asked why i am going there. The guy knows the situation i am in but i think he is starting to get fraustrated with me because I havent done anything.

    Hope someone can make sense out of it and has some good advice for me

    Thanks everyone

  2. #2
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    Re: Should I tell my girlfriend im gay??

    hi ramboy,

    Good and great of you to make this posting. Its totally clear to me, so no need to apologize that people might not be able to make sense about what you have written down.

    I think that you are starting to realize yourself that you cannot keep living in the closet, and dating guys at the same time. That's something which is only possible when you start to ly/hide to other people (including your girlfriend).

    I think that you should start with talking with your girlfriend and tell her the real reason why you don't want to have sex with her anymore. Right now, you are already 'lying/hiding' to her by telling her you have stress about your work / job hunting, being the reason you don't have any sex drive anymore. So what's the next ly, and how will this end?

    Hey man, this will end in a disaster. It seems to me that you are an intelligent guy, and I would like to advise you to tell your girlfriend the truth, and as soon as possible.

    How do you see your future? You want to meet gay guys, and make gay friends, but how do you see doing this while you keep on lying / hiding about the real ramboy? Do you really think that open gay guys like to become friends with closeted guys (meaning they are some sort of 'second class friends')? Hey man, that's not how it works.

    So where are you living right now? Still in that same small country town? Are you living in the US?

    Well, some ideas, written down rather quickly, and meant to let you think about your current situation. Feel free to react.

    I would like to wish you all the best. Please be aware that people over here are willing to help you with all your questions.
    I am Dutch, so please excuse me for my low level of English.

  3. #3
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Should I tell my girlfriend im gay??

    Welcome to the forum. What you are going through is scary and lonely without support. I hope you find what you need here as you begin to build an in-person support network for yourself.

    As someone who was married to a woman I can tell you that there's no easy way through this. It's going to involve coming out because that's the honorable thing to do. A four year relationship which had expectations has to be ended honestly, in my opinion. I don't see that end as something pretty at least not initially. Eventually your girlfriend is likely to be grateful even if she doesn't admit it.

    While something might work out with the guy you met online and while I think it's something you ought to pursue, I'd caution you to see it realistically. Oftentimes closeted people are so relived to finally finding an outlet that they force something to work rather than letting it happen or not happen by due course. In other words, without the choices that being out of the closet offers, we may limit our options by trying to play it safe. That can lead to being taken advance of and being desperate and clingy. So those are things to watch out for.

    Getting back to the gf, I think she has a right to know why things are ending after 4 years regardless of who she tells. There is nothing wrong with being gay. I call it the other normal. You will soon, I hope, also see it as such. You can't control what others will think, say or do, but once you accept being gay, lying about it to be liked or loved does nothing except damage your self-image and your self-esteem. Some homophobes turn out not to be when a loved one actually comes out.

    There'll be some bumps, but you will get though this. Take care. Stay safe. Best wishes.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  4. #4

    Re: Should I tell my girlfriend im gay??

    I really admire how thoughtful you've been with regards to this situation. You're right - just taking a job somewhere else and leaving her wondering what on earth went wrong would be the "coward's way out". You've been together for a long time, and if you really trust and respect her then you do owe her an explanation. That's just break-up fairness, period.

    It's clear why you're nervous about it, though - girls can get very hurt when they find out their boyfriend is gay. They say "oh, what did I do? Was it me? How could I not see it? I'm such an idiot!" and beat themselves up. Or, they get really, really mad and vent to all their friends and just try to get people to hate you.

    But, they can also put it into perspective a bit and realize that you evolved and never meant to hurt them, and did have real feelings the whole way through. If you did/do love her, and weren't just using her this entire time to make yourself feel "straight", then you should tell her that. She will immediately wonder if the entire four years was a huge lie on your part, so ask yourself that question and figure out what the answer is. Try to minimize the damage you could do to her self-esteem while still being honest.


    Here are some things to figure out:

    -Are you stuck living with her until one of you lands a job? Is there somewhere you can move out to for a few months, so that there is a clean split after you tell her you're gay? Saying "I'm gay and we're breaking up...but I still need to live with you" isn't right.

    -Tell this guy you've been chatting with online that you need a few weeks to sort through your situation and end the relationship respectfully. Be honest here too - if you're really interested in meeting him, say it and make that clear, or he'll think you're brushing him off or making excuses. Expect that he'll lose interest, however. It doesn't seem likely he'd wait for you when there are other guys in less complicated situations out there.

    -Ask yourself where you'd like to live. Right now, it seems like you want to begin exploring relationships with men, but aren't in an area where that can easily be done. Apply for jobs in places that are more accepting and have a gay culture. The market is difficult, but right now, it seems like you're ready to explore this side of yourself and not being able to do so in the months to come would be very annoying.

    I would also brace yourself for some depression here. This break-up will be difficult, and if you can keep the lines of communication open between you two, so that it's less tense after the initial shock, I think it will help. Be proud of yourself for following through with dignity, and chart a course for a happier future!

    - - - Updated - - -

    I really admire how thoughtful you've been with regards to this situation. You're right - just taking a job somewhere else and leaving her wondering what on earth went wrong would be the "coward's way out". You've been together for a long time, and if you really trust and respect her then you do owe her an explanation. That's just break-up fairness, period.

    It's clear why you're nervous about it, though - girls can get very hurt when they find out their boyfriend is gay. They say "oh, what did I do? Was it me? How could I not see it? I'm such an idiot!" and beat themselves up. Or, they get really, really mad and vent to all their friends and just try to get people to hate you.

    But, they can also put it into perspective a bit and realize that you evolved and never meant to hurt them, and did have real feelings the whole way through. If you did/do love her, and weren't just using her this entire time to make yourself feel "straight", then you should tell her that. She will immediately wonder if the entire four years was a huge lie on your part, so ask yourself that question and figure out what the answer is. Try to minimize the damage you could do to her self-esteem while still being honest.


    Here are some things to figure out:

    -Are you stuck living with her until one of you lands a job? Is there somewhere you can move out to for a few months, so that there is a clean split after you tell her you're gay? Saying "I'm gay and we're breaking up...but I still need to live with you" isn't right.

    -Tell this guy you've been chatting with online that you need a few weeks to sort through your situation and end the relationship respectfully. Be honest here too - if you're really interested in meeting him, say it and make that clear, or he'll think you're brushing him off or making excuses. Expect that he'll lose interest, however. It doesn't seem likely he'd wait for you when there are other guys in less complicated situations out there.

    -Ask yourself where you'd like to live. Right now, it seems like you want to begin exploring relationships with men, but aren't in an area where that can easily be done. Apply for jobs in places that are more accepting and have a gay culture. The market is difficult, but right now, it seems like you're ready to explore this side of yourself and not being able to do so in the months to come would be very annoying.

    I would also brace yourself for some depression here. This break-up will be difficult, and if you can keep the lines of communication open between you two, so that it's less tense after the initial shock, I think it will help. Be proud of yourself for following through with dignity, and chart a course for a happier future!

  5. #5
    Are u haleloo ya ? Telstra's Avatar
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    Re: Should I tell my girlfriend im gay??

    .
    Yes you should tell her.


    NEVER LISTEN TO A ONE SIDED STORY AND JUDGE.

  6. #6
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    Re: Should I tell my girlfriend im gay??

    It is not fair to you or your g/f (as well as being hurtful) to continue this charade. While it won't be painless to level with her, it will allow both of you to move on with your lives. This is also an issue of respect. For yourself and for her. Kicking the can down the road will only make it harder and harder to share the truth. Knowing her as well as you do, I'm sure you'll respect her feelings.

  7. #7

    Re: Should I tell my girlfriend im gay??

    I would tell her... If you break up with her and don't tell it would only be a matter of time before she found out through someone else. To me that would be unfair to her.

  8. #8
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    Re: Should I tell my girlfriend im gay??

    I think Seasoned and bananagoof covered everything I would have said. I'll just add that you are lucky that you are not much older and your relationship isn't way further along before you came to terms with yourself. It's a rough journey, but one with a very rewarding end. I would also stress on the location. You are currently looking for a job - focus on gay friendly places. Any state is fine. People are fare more scared of moving far away than they should be. And as for your online guy - he is a placeholder. I know you don't see it like that right now, but in truth there will be plenty of guys whether this one works out or not.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
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  9. #9
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    Re: Should I tell my girlfriend im gay??

    Singing with the choir... in a nutshell:
    • Now that you're no longer deceiving yourself, it's time to stop deceiving your best friend. You need to be honest with her about what you're feeling, It's not going to be pleasant, but unlike wine, bad news doesn't get better with age.
    • It's never a good idea to start a relationship until you've ended another. You need to settle this relationship with your girlfriend before you begin a relationship with anyone else- male or female.
    JUB's full list of smilies can be found here.

  10. #10
    JUB Addict MorrisseyX's Avatar
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    Re: Should I tell my girlfriend im gay??

    Hello OP your situation sounds just like the character Will Horton on the soap Days of our lives it is a soap on NBC maybe you should check it out or watch You Tube clips of it? I am serious, it does deal with a young gay character coming out maybe it can give you some perspective or something to think about.

    Any way you slice it OP your girlfriend is going to probably be a bit hurt and upset when she finds out the truth. But it is better to tell the girlfriend now than later. It is going to take courage on your part OP to tell your girlfriend but if you truly love her and care for her you must tell her you are gay.

    I think you should also hold off meeting the other guy. You need to deal with the girlfriend first and not make things more complicated.

  11. #11
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    Re: Should I tell my girlfriend im gay??

    yes you should. you have any idea how hard it is to be friends with gay guys when they have girlfriends?


  12. #12
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    Re: Should I tell my girlfriend im gay??

    Thanks for all the advice guys i think i already knew all the answers just needed to get it out of my head and see what other people thought. With the guy i only want to meet him, not looking for a relationship or anything more so as a friendship, because we chat a lot and we seem like we hold the same values, but now i will wait until I talk to my girl.

  13. #13
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Should I tell my girlfriend im gay??

    Best wishes to you. You have our support.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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    Re: Should I tell my girlfriend im gay??

    You've been honest with yourself. Now you need to do the same with her. It won't be easy and there will be hurt feelings but you can't continue in a relationship you know is based on a lie.
    We'll be here for ya.

  15. #15
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    Re: Should I tell my girlfriend im gay??

    If you don't tell her now you may seriously damage her emotionally in the future. Who knows, if you guys are as close as you say, she may already know. Just don't lead her on or date people behind her back, it's not fair to her. Congrats on accepting yourself though. It's a wonderful feeling to know who you are and be ok with it

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    Re: Should I tell my girlfriend im gay??

    Quote Originally Posted by ramboy View Post
    Thanks for all the advice guys i think i already knew all the answers just needed to get it out of my head and see what other people thought. With the guy i only want to meet him, not looking for a relationship or anything more so as a friendship, because we chat a lot and we seem like we hold the same values, but now i will wait until I talk to my girl.
    Did you tell her?
    The world never changes if you're forever "minding my own business".
    The mindset that no one knows you're gay because you haven't told them,
    is like the dog that thinks you don't see him stealing the steak because he avoids your glance.
    Staying in the closet is like continuing to sit in the back of the bus.
    It's accepting that it's wrong to be who you are.

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