So I'm new here. Not really, but I've never posted here until now.
Here's some information about me:
I'm 19, a student, gay (known and identified as gay since I was about 15). I came out to the first person ever last year. About 4 months before that, I randomly made out with a guy at a concert. A few people have asked me if I was gay between the ages of 15 and 18. I only made the commitment to start saying yes last year, but I've only been asked once since then and saying yes was incredibly awkward because it was asked as a joke (I did, however, say that I am). In the past year I have told 6 people, and 7 people are aware.
I guess my first question is whether this is a stupid approach to take for coming out. Is this too slow? Sometimes I feel like just telling everyone in the world, but such a sudden change really terrifies me. I mean, I've started to hate myself less, but it's an ongoing struggle, and it isn't helped by the fact that I'm already a very negative, cynical person.
I really wish people would just ask me, also, but I understand that it's probably just as awkward for them to bring up as I feel it is for me to bring up. The only time I've ever cried about being gay was when I realized that at this rate, I'm going to have to tell every single person in my life individually that I am gay. It's such an overwhelming feeling, but I also don't know if I'm ready for it to just be completely public information.
I'm mostly uncomfortable with boys knowing. Out of the 7 people who know, one of them is male (he's also gay).
For straight guys, I don't want them to know because I'm afraid I'll be treated differently. And I know what the general response to this will be: (1) that if they're really my friend/important then they won't and (2) that I might change their view of gay people. Honestly, both of these reasons are exhausting. At the same time, so is putting up with the constant use of "gay" and "fag." There are good people who are homophobic. I'm not saying that any of my straight friends would necessarily abandon me as a friend, either. I just don't think things would ever quite be the same. Is it worth it? Probably? Maybe? I'm just too scared to find out, and it's so much easier to do nothing than to make a move that is completely irreversible.
There are also a lot of gay guys I know that I'm not interested in. Actually, I'm not interested in any of the gay guys I know. Before you say that I'm subconsciously setting unattainable standards for myself (I lurk here a LOT, I can predict a lot of what's coming), just know that there ARE gay guys that I've been into who are real, tangible people in my life. I just don't know any of them particularly well at all. I'm not attracted to a single gay guy that I am friends with (and I'm friends with –10 gay guys), and don't really feel like having to deal with the possibility (in some cases the likelihood) of having to reject them. I've rejected girls and it hasn't been pretty and I can only imagine that in these cases it would end worse.
Seriously, though, nobody EVER asks me anymore (in a serious way). I think it's because there are so many openly gay people around me who dress a lot better than I do. No joke, I'm just not very into clothes. I have lots of stereotypically feminine tastes, and I don't really make an effort to hide them. Who knows. Is it reasonable to expect to be asked occasionally? I mean I also don't pretend to like girls. I NEVER EVER say fag or "that's so gay." I feel like a lot of people either think that I am or are unsure, but I never get asked anything. Maybe they'd see it as probing.
Anyway, there are my reasons for being this slow. By all means, tell me why I'm wrong.