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  1. #1

    My first gay "relationship" Need some advice

    So here is the situation...

    Myself being a good hearted Christian guy I have speant the past few years praying for the special type of guy to come along. Because I am in ministry and not out to anybody I am been patiently waiting for a guy in a similar situation to come along and see where things go.

    So I got lonely one afternoon and put up an ad on craigslist... through the spammers and many creepers there was one guy that intrigued me. He was also in his 20's masculine, all around good guy, a Christian who works with teens, smart, cute, dorky, all the things I really wanted in a good friend. He has never done anything with a guy although has thought about it for years. I have experimented though, but still new.

    We eventually meet up and have a great time. We text every day, and hang out multiple times a week, cook for each other, play video games, go out together. Our friendship has really grown into something special. We even went camping by ourselves and we started making out, cuddling, even tried oral. As a gentleman I let him make the first moves. We get along great and are really sweet to each other when we hang out. I have never made out so much in my life!!! I am really enjoying this friendship/whatever this is.

    Something he said really bothered me though when we were camping. He said "I think I am more into the experience than I am into the experience with you" He is definitely a better looking guy than me but this still came as a shock. We still continue to hang and make out, he even slept over at my place. Nothing has changed and he seems to be into me with all the kissing and touching (I never instigate it... its always him). But in the back of my mind I still have that line haunting me. If he wasn't really into me in that way he wouldn't be so kissy/touchy/lovey dovey, right? We also don't really know how to act in public which is kind of funny... we like to hike and walk trails and hold hands, will stop and kiss for a few minutes, then as we see somebody drop the hands and continue.

    I like this guy as a friend/companion and don't want to mess up our friendship by making things weird and asking the "do you really like me?" question... I hate to be that guy, but I want to continue how things are going. But is he faking it because we are in a similar situation and get along so well? Should I just leave it alone? Need some advice guys!

  2. #2
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    Re: My first gay "relationship" Need some advice

    Is it possible he used a poor choice of words and didn't actually mean it the way it sounded? Otherwise, it sounds like he is using you for the experience. Are you ok with that? Personally, it sounds offensive to me.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  3. #3

    Re: My first gay "relationship" Need some advice

    Thanks man, and yes I agree it does sound a little offensive. But it was also in the context of he doesn't he the whole full on relationship and coming out part with me as his partner...not that I am anywhere near ready for that myself. There is a part of me that is really enjoying the experience myself and don't want to screw that up. Maybe we should slow the physical stuff down a bit.

    The other day we were praying and he even thanked God for our budding friendship. I think he is nervous about the whole situation and as still figuring things out... as am I. I am just confused because he calls me cute and is always the one starting the kissing, touching, holding hands, cuddling etc. I really enjoy it too!

  4. #4
    Execuvette Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Re: My first gay "relationship" Need some advice

    Well, the closet does all sorts of messed up damage to relationships, our needs and perceptions. He has finally found someone he could hide together with, so he doesn't have a choice but to go along with it, even if he doesn't like you that much. I am sorry if it sounds cynical, but if nobody knows it's in the market, you shouldn't be surprised that the one guy you stumbled on by accident might be settling for you.

    Not saying he isn't a nice guy, but being a nice guy and being into the other guy are very different things.

    It's not likely you'll find a real meaningful relationship in the closet.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
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  5. #5

    Re: My first gay "relationship" Need some advice

    I'm not surprised those words of his are sticking in your head. It sounds like he was trying to be honest about the fact that finally being a guy is great and thrilling and fun, but that you shouldn't read into his enthusiasm too much. It seems very likely to me that he's seeing you as a friend with benefits and getting a rush from finally acting out on feelings he's otherwise suppressed. If you're viewing him a potential boyfriend, long-term with the thought that you might both someday come out as a couple...I would reconsider.But, until you do have the dreaded talk with him, you won't know for sure what he meant or where he stands. And like you said, it's important to figure out for yourself how you feel. It sounds like you could be falling for him, but aren't sure. Is it his uncertainty that's making you unsure? Try to just figure out how you feel about the relationship and where you would like to see it go. Then present that to him, and gently bring up that thing he'd said. At the very least, you seem like friends who could have an honest discussion about this and then decide whether or not to still fool around or just hang out. If you don't discuss it, I think the issues will ruin whatever it is that you have at the moment.
    Last edited by bananagoof; November 14th, 2012 at 12:32 PM.

  6. #6
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: My first gay "relationship" Need some advice

    For thousands of years what you have with your friend was the best any gay person could hope for because of the need to remain hidden. These days it's called the closet and depending upon where one lives it can be self rather than socially or legally imposed. In Western Europe, large international cities and the English speaking world the closet is generally considered transitory and unhealthy. Of course, each person decides for themselves how they want to live.

    I think it's unlikely that you both will forever remain closeted. I'm also thinking that, for now, you each have something special and at least moderately fulfilling. Questioning him now may cause you to break it off if you think you're being used. However, if you interpreted what he said correctly he'll break it off when he finds someone else.

    You're at the age old crossroads. Does one attempt to learn the truth or does one avoid the truth fearing knowledge will end what one has even though imperfect? What's at stake is excitement versus self concept and self esteem.

    No matter how you decide to proceed I do hope you have given thought to one day being able to live in the open. Best wishes to you.
    Last edited by Seasoned; November 14th, 2012 at 11:52 PM.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  7. #7
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    Re: My first gay "relationship" Need some advice

    Quote Originally Posted by chasmasc86 View Post
    Myself being a good hearted Christian guy (...). We eventually meet up and have a great time. We text every day, and hang out multiple times a week, cook for each other, play video games, go out together. Our friendship has really grown into something special. We even went camping by ourselves and we started making out, cuddling, even tried oral. (...). We still continue to hang and make out, he even slept over at my place. (...). We also don't really know how to act in public which is kind of funny... we like to hike and walk trails and hold hands, will stop and kiss for a few minutes, then as we see somebody drop the hands and continue. (...). But is he faking it because we are in a similar situation and get along so well? (...). Need some advice guys!
    hi chasmasc86,

    I hope that you are realizing yourself that you show a behaviour of hiding/lying towards other people (including the fellow christians around you) in regard to the friendship you have with him.

    How do you see this lying part of your behaviour in relationship to your statement that you are a 'good hearted christian guy'? Excuse me very much, but I fail to see how you can bring both together. IMO, good hearted christians don't ly (hide) about their own sexual orientation, and also don't ly about the type of relationship they have with another guy.

    Are you also realizing yourself that this guy, whenever things might develop in a wrong way, might be able to start with blackmailing you?

    Do you really think that all people around you (other christians as well as people you casually meet when camping / hiking) will be sure that both of you are close straight friends of each other? I have severe doubts about it.

    Seasoned told already that your situation was common for 1000s and 1000s of years. However, we are right now living in 2012, and it seems to me that you are living in the US. Please be aware that people around you will think about this, especially because you (and him) don't have a girlfriend / wife, and also don't seem to have alot of interest in getting a girlfriend / wife.

    How do you see your future (eg for the next ten years)? What's your age?
    I am Dutch, so please excuse me for my low level of English.

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