I feel sadness crawling up to my thoughts as I write here. I feel as if I am impossibly alone and completely separated from the world, especially other people. I'm surrounded by family yet I feel like I'm gently strangled and I do not know how to help myself right now. I can't be myself here at home, and I can't be myself at school either. And I'm not sure if this is even the problem!? I would like to meet people, and I won't deny that especially gay guys, maybe someone I can develop something deeper, but there is nobody available in this cesspool of a city.
I am growing more and more desperate and put myself at risk sometimes, by dangerous sexual activity. Funny thing it only deepens my pain. I get no satisfaction. The bad side that it makes me paranoid and even more reclusive. Sometimes I notice that I have two faces. The one that everybody sees. The one that always smiles. And the other one is the crying one. I am afraid of being touched and involved, yet I long for it so much that my heart breaks when I think about it. I always feel guilt and I always become paranoid when something more than friendly happens between me and another guy. I don't know what to do.
I try to occupy myself. I do sports, I study, I cook, I even play games to pass the time when I have some. Anything to make theese feelings go away. The worst case is when I try to fill up the emptyness inside me with food. I eat a lot and then I punish myself for it.
Everytime I dare to enjoy food I punch myself into guilt, because by eating I pu my looks at risk. And nobody wants an ugly guy. I don't know why do I even care? I was born ugly anyways. Having a good body won't compensate for having the face of a jester...
I just had to put it down somewhere where people can see it.