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  1. #1
    Coward92
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    Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    I feel sadness crawling up to my thoughts as I write here. I feel as if I am impossibly alone and completely separated from the world, especially other people. I'm surrounded by family yet I feel like I'm gently strangled and I do not know how to help myself right now. I can't be myself here at home, and I can't be myself at school either. And I'm not sure if this is even the problem!? I would like to meet people, and I won't deny that especially gay guys, maybe someone I can develop something deeper, but there is nobody available in this cesspool of a city.
    I am growing more and more desperate and put myself at risk sometimes, by dangerous sexual activity. Funny thing it only deepens my pain. I get no satisfaction. The bad side that it makes me paranoid and even more reclusive. Sometimes I notice that I have two faces. The one that everybody sees. The one that always smiles. And the other one is the crying one. I am afraid of being touched and involved, yet I long for it so much that my heart breaks when I think about it. I always feel guilt and I always become paranoid when something more than friendly happens between me and another guy. I don't know what to do.
    I try to occupy myself. I do sports, I study, I cook, I even play games to pass the time when I have some. Anything to make theese feelings go away. The worst case is when I try to fill up the emptyness inside me with food. I eat a lot and then I punish myself for it.
    Everytime I dare to enjoy food I punch myself into guilt, because by eating I pu my looks at risk. And nobody wants an ugly guy. I don't know why do I even care? I was born ugly anyways. Having a good body won't compensate for having the face of a jester...

    I just had to put it down somewhere where people can see it.

  2. #2
    Do I dare to eat a peach?
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    From your posts I believe you to be deeply religous. Can your Faith or Church offer guidance?

  3. #3
    Coward92
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    I'm a heretic... I'm tired of explaining myself to anybody, I am tired of changing according to the whims of a society that resents me for what I am. I am tired of the hippocracy of the religious people around me. I even feel like going to the church is killing me. I have to sit there. Waiting for the whole thing to be over. I just want to get out of there. I don't know if I am religious anymore. I sure know that I want to be, because life was sooo much easier when I could just believe in God and is his great wisdom, mercy and grace, but honestly in this hour of emptyness I just feel shame and some ticklish loneliness that urges me to cry, but not strong enough.

    I don't feel the same way about religion as I did. I don't know what to think about it. I think I only want to be religious because otherwise I would be condemned to hell. But this state of emptyness I feel right now seems to be exactly the hell they warned me about. It's like the sun is rising but the light avoids me on purpose. And I know that the mistake is mine...
    Last edited by Coward92; October 28th, 2012 at 01:46 PM.

  4. #4
    Do I dare to eat a peach?
    palbert's Avatar
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Can your doctor be of help? Can you afford access to a therapist or do you have access to community mental health facility. Do you have anyone you can talk with?

    Your profile does not offer your age or general location. That info would help us.

    I've been where you are now -- and with help I've moved beyond it.

  5. #5
    Coward92
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by palbert View Post
    Can your doctor be of help? Can you afford access to a therapist or do you have access to community mental health facility. Do you have anyone you can talk with?

    Your profile does not offer your age or general location. That info would help us.

    I've been where you are now -- and with help I've moved beyond it.
    I live in Hungary, Europe. Im 20 years old, university student.
    I don't think anything can help me.
    I never spoke of this to my doctor. Never even occured to me. Therapy is soo expensive that I'd rather move to Australia and get a therapist there. I can't talk to my family. They are wilfully blind and expect me to be as well. They want me to act hetero, for God's sake. I hate and despise them for that, but I understand why are they acting like that. It just doesn't make it right.
    I have a few friends. Shallow relationships really. I don't even know if I want to keep them up, but since we meet everyday they sustain themselves.

    I don't have a real connection. I don't belong to anyone and no-one belongs to me. I think this is my problem. But I might be wrong.

  6. #6
    Do I dare to eat a peach?
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    In the US the doctor must keep everything confidential. If that way there you might speak to him of some appropriate medication.

    Does your family not know how you feel, or could they and you don't see it?

    Are you so estranged from the church that yoou absolutely cannot get confidential counsel there?

  7. #7
    Coward92
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by palbert View Post
    In the US the doctor must keep everything confidential. If that way there you might speak to him of some appropriate medication.

    Does your family not know how you feel, or could they and you don't see it?

    Are you so estranged from the church that yoou absolutely cannot get confidential counsel there?
    I'm gay christian. They are christian. I think this pretty much is the reason why I don't want to talk to them. I don't need to be told again that I will butn in hell and it is a sin. I'm tired of that.
    My family does not care. They have their own problems and their own lives. They just want me to be their good hetero son, who will marry a woman ( NO BLOODY WAY!) and makes a lot of grandchildren for them. They will oppose everything I do and I can't according to my own self until I live with them. Unfortunately I will live with them for a long time yet.

    Medication is out of the question. This problem can't be fixed with pills, because it doesn't exist in the realm of the physical world. Pills could only treat the symptoms.

  8. #8
    Do I dare to eat a peach?
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Medications also clear your head and promote positive behavior and actions. Sometimes it is necessary to deal with overwhelming symptoms before facing the core problems. Once the symptoms are mediated or controlled you can see a way out of your isolation.

  9. #9
    JohannBessler
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Hi, there, Coward92. Could I call you something else? How about Janos? That's a nice Hungarian name.

    Janos, I would like to see if I can help you think through this thing. My own father was a Fundamentalist pastor, so I understand the struggles of growing up in a very religious family as a gay man. It's not fun.

    But first, I'd like to eliminate a physical source of your feelings. Would you be willing to try?

    First, I'd need to hear your medical history. Do you have any trouble sleeping? This may seem a silly question, but actually it's extremely important.

  10. #10

    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Problems often seem worst when you are young, in school and living at home, because you are tied down, dependant, and feel trapped. Please believe me that in few years you will be out of school, have a job and be more independent. Things will be much different and better. You are at the best age physically and have your whole life ahead of you. Your life expectancy is another 60 years. The next 3 years or so in school are only a small portion of that , 5%. The present is not the life you are going to lead for most of you life. You are no doubt exaggerating you looks. Almost all gays think they are not good looking enough, but there are guys out there who like your type. I suggest you focus in the future you are going to make for youself. Stay healthy, improve your body at the gym, avoid unsafe sex, study at school and plan a good career. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

  11. #11
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    I'm glad you posted and explained your issues and frustration. Being isolated day to day and facing family pressure are serious issues. Some of us in the English speaking world and Western Europe tend to forget some of the struggles of the LGBT community in less accepting places.

    I'm 66 and from the States. I spent my teen years being scared and alone with a lot of fear and sadness. I even got married to a woman in my 20s and had two children before I got divorced and met my husband. I know where I was and remember my journey. You may be stuck at the moment and not yet in control of your life, but your day will come. Your task now is to find people like yourself or groups or associations that may be able to help. The Internet can make a huge difference.

    There's an organization in your country. Look at http://www.hatter.hu/ and see what they can offer. They may be able to help you cope and find some peace of mind.

    Please stay in touch with us here and please pm anyone with whom you feel comfortable. Many here care about you and your quality of life.
    Last edited by Seasoned; October 29th, 2012 at 08:40 AM.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  12. #12
    Coward92
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by JohannBessler View Post
    Hi, there, Coward92. Could I call you something else? How about Janos? That's a nice Hungarian name.

    Janos, I would like to see if I can help you think through this thing. My own father was a Fundamentalist pastor, so I understand the struggles of growing up in a very religious family as a gay man. It's not fun.

    But first, I'd like to eliminate a physical source of your feelings. Would you be willing to try?

    First, I'd need to hear your medical history. Do you have any trouble sleeping? This may seem a silly question, but actually it's extremely important.
    Please don't call me Janos. My grandpa was called that way and he just died. Call me Adam, or Astair please.
    My mother is etaching religious education at school. She is terrified that she will lose her job because of me. She told me that I'm a danger t the good reputation of the family.

    Sleeping: I can sleep extreemely well if I focus my mind on relaxation, but when I don't I have nightmares rather often. I just wake up and I'm glad it was all a dream. My dreams often involve my family members, HIV, death, sexual encounters, conflicts with authority and blood. I never had any serious health problems. I was in hospital once or twice, but that was because I was fat and I didn't know when to stop eating so I pumped myself full of food. MY stomach couldn't handle it so it reacted with the over production of HCl, that led to a lesion inside my stomach. It was years ago though and it is completely healed now.

    Quote Originally Posted by Benvolio View Post
    Problems often seem worst when you are young, in school and living at home, because you are tied down, dependant, and feel trapped. Please believe me that in few years you will be out of school, have a job and be more independent. Things will be much different and better. You are at the best age physically and have your whole life ahead of you. Your life expectancy is another 60 years. The next 3 years or so in school are only a small portion of that , 5%. The present is not the life you are going to lead for most of you life. You are no doubt exaggerating you looks. Almost all gays think they are not good looking enough, but there are guys out there who like your type. I suggest you focus in the future you are going to make for youself. Stay healthy, improve your body at the gym, avoid unsafe sex, study at school and plan a good career. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
    I am in control most of the time, it is just hard... SOmetimes I look forward to the future and I don't really see it going anywhere. I have big dreams and I really would like to make something good of my life that benefits others as well, but I think I don't remember how to love anymore. And without love my goals are just hollow promises of salvation. Ever since my family knows I'm gay I can't honestly say that I love them. I don't even remember what it feels like. I just know it was better. Most of the time I just push theese doubts behind me and keep going, keep doing what I must, but I rarely ever get a hug or a kiss. Actually in the past 2 years I think I didn't. Thank you for your advices though. I also think that staying focused is the most important, but we all fall sometimes...
    Last edited by Coward92; October 28th, 2012 at 11:12 PM.

  13. #13
    Coward92
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seasoned View Post
    I'm glad you posted and explained your issues and frustration. Being isolated day to day and facing family pressure are serious issues. Some of us in the English speaking world and Western Europe tend to forget some of the struggles of the LGBT community in less accepting places.

    I'm 66 and from the States. I spent my teen years being scared and alone with a lot of fear and sadness. I even got married to a woman in my 20s and had two children before I got divorced and met my husband. I know where I was and remember my journey. You may be stuck at the moment and not yet in control of your life, but your day will come. Your task now is to find people like yourself or groups or associations that may be able to help. The Internet can make a huge difference.

    There's an organization in your country. Look at http://www.hatter.hu/ and see what they can offer. They may be able to help you cope and find some peace of mind.

    Please stay in touch with us here and please pm anyone with whom you feel comfortable. Many here care about you and your quality of life.
    My parents also pretty much keep pushing me towards marriage and women, but I told them that I'm not willing to live a false life. They got totally nuts over it. I just don't want to lie to a woman so that she believes I love her because I am uncapable of doing so.I feel no attraction towards women at all, and sometimes when I accidentally get into intimate situation with a girl (romantic movie or something) I even feel terrified and I even feel disgust when she looks at me waiting for a kiss. Because that happened to me once or twice. I just wanted to run. I don't hate women, but I definitely don't want to kiss one. Even thinking about it makes me shaking. In spite of all that I have very good realtionship with women. I can talk to them and they find me understanding and entertaining, but none of them ever got the impression that I am gay. In fact when I told one of them she refused to believe it and even today she thinks I'm just joking around.

    Luckily I have more male friends. Somehow I feel more drawn to them. I like to speak with them, I often care about their needs and their lives. Straight guys however can be really grumpy sometimes

    I will stay in touch, thank you for your help. I will take a look into this organization as well.
    Last edited by Seasoned; October 29th, 2012 at 08:41 AM. Reason: Corrected a typo in my quoted post.

  14. #14
    JohannBessler
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Adam, many of the symptoms you described were classic symptoms of depression. I see little reason to doubt the fact that you're suffering from it.

    The question is: is this depression organic (based in the physical body) or reactive (based on what's happening to you.) Normally, organic depression has symptoms that interfere with sleep. Usually, organic depressives either have a hard time falling asleep, or more frequently, wake up early in the morning and can't get back to sleep.

    You say that 1)you have no trouble sleeping and 2)you have a tendency to overeat. This is more consistent with reactive depression. Reactive depression can be helped to some extent by 1)getting therapy, or 2) changing your environment.

    I understand the conflict that arises when a gay man grows up in the church, because that happened to me. My father was--and still is--a minister. Growing up in the church brings about an inner conflict that leads to anxiety, which in turn leads to depression, which can lead to a crisis. Not everybody survives that crisis.

    I think the time will come when you will have to reassess your priorities. In order to accept yourself as a gay man, you either have to change your beliefs as a Christian, or give up religion entirely. In my case, I came to the conclusion that most churches were full of shit.

    However, as a gay man, it is still possible to be a man of faith. You could look for a gay-friendly church. The Unitarians believe that all men are a part of God, as do the Friends (Quakers).

    One question: where do you live in Hungary? Budapest or Szeged, or some small town? If you live in a small town, you may eventually find that you'll feel more comfortable in Budapest.

    Making these changes in environment will ease your depression, Adam, or maybe even eliminate it. Is it possible for you to make these environmental changes?

    It sounds like your environment--at least, to you--is toxic. I know about growing up in the church. It causes conflict for a gay man. This internal conflict brings about anxiety, which then, leads to depression. You get the feeling

  15. #15
    Coward92
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    I live near Szeged. Moving to Budapest will be a must in 3 years, because only there can I finish my MAster.

    It is not yet possible for me to leave this environment, but it will be soon. Earning money here is very hard, especially by legal means.
    You are right. IT is my surroundings and my lifestyle that lead me to this... at least it is part of the problem. I must gather resources and move. That seems to be the only viable option.

  16. #16
    JohannBessler
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    ^Adam, have you looked at Gay/Lesbian associations in your city? They'll at least give you some moral support.

  17. #17

    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    It is clear that your parents still believe that being gay is a choice. They think that for some incomprehensible reason, you have chosen to be gay, frustrating their plans for your future happiness and grandchildren. I think you should have serious conversations with them, in which you explain that no one chooses to be gay, and that you did not choose it. But also you cannot choose to be straight, any more than a straight person can choose to be gay. Explain that no one knows why some are gay, but it is not their fault or yours. I would look for printed pamphlets or books explaining this to show them that it is not your choice.
    Perhaps you have tried to explain his, but your life will be much less stressfull if they finally become convinved, so keep trying.
    Your parents love you and want what is best for you. they just don't understand. Tell them that If they love you, you need for them to believe what you are telling them.

  18. #18
    Coward92
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by JohannBessler View Post
    ^Adam, have you looked at Gay/Lesbian associations in your city? They'll at least give you some moral support.
    When I'll have time I will try, but the problem is that I have a bad reputation.

    Quote Originally Posted by Benvolio View Post
    It is clear that your parents still believe that being gay is a choice. They think that for some incomprehensible reason, you have chosen to be gay, frustrating their plans for your future happiness and grandchildren. I think you should have serious conversations with them, in which you explain that no one chooses to be gay, and that you did not choose it. But also you cannot choose to be straight, any more than a straight person can choose to be gay. Explain that no one knows why some are gay, but it is not their fault or yours. I would look for printed pamphlets or books explaining this to show them that it is not your choice.
    Perhaps you have tried to explain his, but your life will be much less stressfull if they finally become convinved, so keep trying.
    Your parents love you and want what is best for you. they just don't understand. Tell them that If they love you, you need for them to believe what you are telling them.

    I can't speak to them. I just can't. I know it would be best if we could talk but it is impossible to reason with them. They always know everything better, even if they are completely uneducated about the topic. My mom studied homosexuality and she believes to know that it is a mental illness that can be cured. She doesn't care that I tried to change. She doesn't care that I cried myself to sleep for 2 and a half years and she doesn't give a fuck about my pain and my problems. I definitely can't give an honest fuck about her feelings and problems that arise from the fact that I dare to be homosexual. Screw me.

  19. #19
    panegyric JUB Admin Corny's Avatar
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coward92 View Post
    I live near Szeged. Moving to Budapest will be a must in 3 years, because only there can I finish my MAster.
    Szeged? The place of the huge music festival? That's kinda cool
    Maybe you can move to Budapest right now? Did you ever think about doing a Semester abroad, somewhere else in the EU?
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  20. #20
    Coward92
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Corny View Post
    Szeged? The place of the huge music festival? That's kinda cool
    Maybe you can move to Budapest right now? Did you ever think about doing a Semester abroad, somewhere else in the EU?
    That would be nice, but that would require a great amount of $$$.
    I can't move right now. The university binds me to the city. I could move to a friend of mine but not without a job, and you know... getting a job here is close to impossible. The salary would be hardly enough for food and the bills.
    I know I come through as whiny, but even with a degree and a diploma, people here can barely afford to feed themselves. Last year a woman died because he didn't have any money left after she paid her bills. She was too ashamed to ask for help.

    You are right that I should get a lot of money as soon as possible though and move my ass to another place.

  21. #21
    Do I dare to eat a peach?
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coward92 View Post
    When I'll have time I will try, but the problem is that I have a bad reputation.....
    In what way do you have such a "bad reputation" that it alienates established gay groups? Is there a guilt or shame issue that's also at play here, contributing to your depression?

  22. #22
    panegyric JUB Admin Corny's Avatar
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    You know that there are programs (like Erasmus) that finance semesters abroad?
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  23. #23
    Coward92
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Corny View Post
    You know that there are programs (like Erasmus) that finance semesters abroad?
    Oh I should look into it then.

    Quote Originally Posted by palbert View Post
    In what way do you have such a "bad reputation" that it alienates established gay groups? Is there a guilt or shame issue that's also at play here, contributing to your depression?
    I have dated with prominent members of the groups and it didn't play out well. Sometimes serious things happened, there were some I refused. It is unpleassant to be around them.

  24. #24
    panegyric JUB Admin Corny's Avatar
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coward92 View Post
    Oh I should look into it then.
    you can start here:

    http://ec.europa.eu/education/lifelo...erasmus_en.htm
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  25. #25
    Coward92
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Corny View Post
    I see. I must be in at least my 3rd semester to take part. I'm happy about this because I'm a bit afraid of going yet But I definitely like the idea. I would totally want to learn in Poland or Norway Or Scandinavia

  26. #26
    JohannBessler
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    ^If you want to feel comfortable as a gay man, I think Northern/Western Europe is better than Poland. Poland still struggles with homophobia because of the influence of the Catholic Church.

    That leaves Scandinavia. Scandinavia has always been a comfortable place for gays to live.

    Or alternately, you could also choose Germany. Germany hasn't had a whole lot of problems with homophobia since at least the 1970s. My dear friend told me,"It's not so much that they approve of gays--it's more that they mind their own business more."

    We all agree that you need to change your environment, Adam.

    One other thing: you couldn't possibly be ugly, because if you were, you wouldn't be able to get all of those men.

  27. #27
    Coward92
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by JohannBessler View Post
    ^If you want to feel comfortable as a gay man, I think Northern/Western Europe is better than Poland. Poland still struggles with homophobia because of the influence of the Catholic Church.

    That leaves Scandinavia. Scandinavia has always been a comfortable place for gays to live.

    Or alternately, you could also choose Germany. Germany hasn't had a whole lot of problems with homophobia since at least the 1970s. My dear friend told me,"It's not so much that they approve of gays--it's more that they mind their own business more."

    We all agree that you need to change your environment, Adam.

    One other thing: you couldn't possibly be ugly, because if you were, you wouldn't be able to get all of those men.
    Nah, you're too kind to me. I'm not really very terribly ugly, but I have a bit more flaws in my appearance than others. I have the look of the "fool" archetype. Crude, raw features with a constant smile on my face. Some say that I would be terrifying if I were the quiet, strong type, but im the noisy, strong type. Maybe when I fix myself up a litle I will post a picture in my jester's hat. People usually agree that I look like Joker on the cards (you know... Joker?) only I have a more robust bodytype, while Joker is lucky enough to be a slim bastard

  28. #28
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coward92 View Post
    My parents also pretty much keep pushing me towards marriage and women, but I told them that I'm not willing to live a false life. (....). In spite of all that I have very good realtionship with women. I can talk to them and they find me understanding and entertaining, but none of them ever got the impression that I am gay. In fact when I told one of them she refused to believe it and even today she thinks I'm just joking around. (...). Luckily I have more male friends. Somehow I feel more drawn to them. I like to speak with them, I often care about their needs and their lives. Straight guys however can be really grumpy sometimes
    hi Adam,

    Focus to friends (male and female) who like you as a friend, and who are cool that you are a gay guy. Simply ignore all people who cannot cope with the fact that you are gay (and that there is nothing wrong with being gay). I also tend to advise you not to spend too much time debating / discussing with your parents. You have clearly told and explained how you are thinking about any future marriage with a girl. No way, because you are a gay guy, and you want to live a life as a gay guy (with or without a boyfriend / partner etc.). So try to find some sort of balance with the contact with your parents (and with the rest of your family), and realize yourself that you will soon be a full-grown adult who will make his own choice. So up to them (and not up to you), how they want to cope with the reality that you (=their son) is an open gay guy.

    I can imagine myself very well that you can talk very good with girls (female students) as long as they are aware that you are a gay guy. Alot of such girls like to talk with guys, but also with guys without a 'hidden agenda' [sexual attraction]. You don't have this, and that can make that girls like to talk with you, go out with you (etc.).

    Hungarian citizens are free to move around in all other EU countries, and are also free to live in any EU country. So you don't need a work permit (or anything like that) when you want to leave Hungary after you have finished your study. Are you really sure that all students at your university are homopobes? I tend to doubt.

    My hometown is loaded with 'Erasmus exchange students' (loads and loads of them are from Spain). Besides Erasmus, there are other ways to go abroad as part of your study (eg. carry out a reseach project in another country). Within the Netherlands, it is very common that students do parts of their study in a foreign country.

    Why not see if you can spend some time in Germany (eg. during a holiday)? Its a large country, and with a very relaxed attitude towards gay people (Corny [and others] can tell you all the details).

    Feel free to react & to ask additional question. I would like to wish you all the best.
    I am Dutch, so please excuse me for my low level of English.

  29. #29

    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    You seem to be saying that you tend to be overweight or even fat. That is easier to correct now than it will be as you grow older, and you will be more attractive if you lose weight. You should not need a drastic diet at your age. Cut down fats and total calories, plus some active exercise should do it. The exercise, weight loss, and improvement in appearance will improve your outlook a lot.

  30. #30
    Coward92
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Benvolio View Post
    You seem to be saying that you tend to be overweight or even fat. That is easier to correct now than it will be as you grow older, and you will be more attractive if you lose weight. You should not need a drastic diet at your age. Cut down fats and total calories, plus some active exercise should do it. The exercise, weight loss, and improvement in appearance will improve your outlook a lot.
    I've lost 64 pounds in the past 2 years and my body is allright now. My friends keep telling that I'm near the border of anorexy and that I am one step away from living an unhealthy sport-life. Recently I started to build some muscle instead of losing weight. I also think about signing up for hip-hop class in the near future, because that seems a lot of fun. I also have a boosted appetite in the recent 2-3 weeks. I can't seem to eat enough.

  31. #31
    Do I dare to eat a peach?
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Adam - the weight loss, exercise, aand appetite are all positive signs. Keep up the positive attitude.

  32. #32
    Coward92
    Guest

    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ganoderma View Post
    hi Adam,

    Focus to friends (male and female) who like you as a friend, and who are cool that you are a gay guy. Simply ignore all people who cannot cope with the fact that you are gay (and that there is nothing wrong with being gay). I also tend to advise you not to spend too much time debating / discussing with your parents. You have clearly told and explained how you are thinking about any future marriage with a girl. No way, because you are a gay guy, and you want to live a life as a gay guy (with or without a boyfriend / partner etc.). So try to find some sort of balance with the contact with your parents (and with the rest of your family), and realize yourself that you will soon be a full-grown adult who will make his own choice. So up to them (and not up to you), how they want to cope with the reality that you (=their son) is an open gay guy.

    I can imagine myself very well that you can talk very good with girls (female students) as long as they are aware that you are a gay guy. Alot of such girls like to talk with guys, but also with guys without a 'hidden agenda' [sexual attraction]. You don't have this, and that can make that girls like to talk with you, go out with you (etc.).

    Hungarian citizens are free to move around in all other EU countries, and are also free to live in any EU country. So you don't need a work permit (or anything like that) when you want to leave Hungary after you have finished your study. Are you really sure that all students at your university are homopobes? I tend to doubt.

    My hometown is loaded with 'Erasmus exchange students' (loads and loads of them are from Spain). Besides Erasmus, there are other ways to go abroad as part of your study (eg. carry out a reseach project in another country). Within the Netherlands, it is very common that students do parts of their study in a foreign country.

    Why not see if you can spend some time in Germany (eg. during a holiday)? Its a large country, and with a very relaxed attitude towards gay people (Corny [and others] can tell you all the details).

    Feel free to react & to ask additional question. I would like to wish you all the best.
    Not all of the university students ae homophobes but there are plenty amongst them. I'm not really afraid of people who have the same status as I, but people with authority over me shouldn't know anything. That is for the best. So I prefer to keep up the good old neutral profile when interacting with teachers. I don't make my sexual orientation a secret. if someone directly asks me than I give them the truth, but that is very rare

    I definitely want to get married one day. But to a guy. I would be even open for children.

    Quote Originally Posted by palbert View Post
    Adam - the weight loss, exercise, aand appetite are all positive signs. Keep up the positive attitude.
    I ... maybe I shouldn't punish my body for taking what it needs... It is just hard to realize where the limits are.
    Last edited by Coward92; October 30th, 2012 at 11:46 AM.

  33. #33

    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coward92 View Post
    I've lost 64 pounds in the past 2 years and my body is allright now. My friends keep telling that I'm near the border of anorexy and that I am one step away from living an unhealthy sport-life. Recently I started to build some muscle instead of losing weight. I also think about signing up for hip-hop class in the near future, because that seems a lot of fun. I also have a boosted appetite in the recent 2-3 weeks. I can't seem to eat enough.
    Good, but beware, once you haves been fat the cells are still there and the fat comes back much more easily and quickly than you can imagine.

  34. #34
    JohannBessler
    Guest

    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    ^Benvolio, it's very nice to see you in a non-political forum.

  35. #35

    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Thanks..............

  36. #36
    Coward92
    Guest

    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Benvolio View Post
    Good, but beware, once you haves been fat the cells are still there and the fat comes back much more easily and quickly than you can imagine.
    A little fat won't hurt until you look good. I mean, sure, abs are hot, but manly shoulders, strong arms and sexy waists are more attractive.

  37. #37

    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coward92 View Post
    A little fat won't hurt until you look good. I mean, sure, abs are hot, but manly shoulders, strong arms and sexy waists are more attractive.
    True, but your statement. "I can't seem to eat enough" suggests a serious need for caution.

  38. #38
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    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coward92 View Post
    Not all of the university students ae homophobes but there are plenty amongst them. I'm not really afraid of people who have the same status as I, but people with authority over me shouldn't know anything. That is for the best. So I prefer to keep up the good old neutral profile when interacting with teachers. I don't make my sexual orientation a secret. if someone directly asks me than I give them the truth, but that is very rare I definitely want to get married one day. But to a guy. I would be even open for children.
    hi Adam,

    Thanks for your nice and friendly message. I don't hide that I am gay, and its also not a secret that I like guys. In reality, it hardly ever happens that people ask me directly if I am gay. Same like you, and I tend to think that you are following a good strategy.

    You are Adam, a student of 20 years old at the university of Szeged, and a Hungarian guy with very good skills in writing English. And I tend to think that you have a quite good idea about things going on in the world (inside Hungary, but also abroad). It seems to me that you are a guy with an outspoken opinion, and people will be aware of that.

    Such things are counting and that's how people are looking towards you, and are also judging you (including your teachers and other people with authority over you). Well, and your good friends are aware that you like guys, and you have told them that they don't need to hide to others that you like guys. 'So what' was the answer of Elio di Rupi ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elio_Di_Rupo ), the current Prime Minister of Belgium, when a journalist asked him if he happened to be gay. Same with you. You don't bother what people think about the fact that you are gay, and you also don't hide that you are gay. Does not mean that you walk around with a cap with 'I am gay', and also does not mean that your profile on Facebook indicates that you like 'guys'. Loads and loads of people of around your age also have no information about this topic (interested in ...) on their Facebook profile. But they don't hide that some of their friends happen to be gay guys. Why should they?

    So go on with your life, ignore the homophobe students (even don't bother to talk / debate with them), but instead focus on your friends and on straight people around you who don't bother if people are gay, straight or anything in between.

    Do all of your fellow students at your classes have the same level of English?

    Do you feel better now, after quite a few people over here have given you a variety of advices?

    Finally, I have re-read some of your texts about the ideas of your mother. I tend to think that she is brainwashed, and you will be aware that its tough/impossible to debate with people who are brainwashed. I feel very sorry that your mother is brainwashed and has such narrow-minded ideas, but I am afraid that this will not change. So also no need to try to change her opinions. You won't succeed.

    So built your own life (and you are already doing this), ending with getting a nice husband, and living together with him.

    Good luck and feel free to react (you may also send me a private message). Hey man, your level of English is way better compared to my level of English!
    I am Dutch, so please excuse me for my low level of English.

  39. #39

    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coward92 View Post
    I can't be myself here at home, and I can't be myself at school either. And I'm not sure if this is even the problem!? I would like to meet people, and I won't deny that especially gay guys, maybe someone I can develop something deeper, but there is nobody available in this cesspool of a city.

    The bad side that it makes me paranoid and even more reclusive. Sometimes I notice that I have two faces. The one that everybody sees. The one that always smiles. And the other one is the crying one. I am afraid of being touched and involved, yet I long for it so much that my heart breaks when I think about it.

    I always feel guilt and I always become paranoid when something more than friendly happens between me and another guy.
    Quote Originally Posted by Coward92 View Post
    Therapy is soo expensive that I'd rather move to Australia and get a therapist there. I can't talk to my family.
    I have a few friends. Shallow relationships really. I don't even know if I want to keep them up, but since we meet everyday they sustain themselves.

    I don't have a real connection. I don't belong to anyone and no-one belongs to me. I think this is my problem. But I might be wrong.
    Quote Originally Posted by Coward92 View Post
    I am in control most of the time, it is just hard... SOmetimes I look forward to the future and I don't really see it going anywhere. I have big dreams and I really would like to make something good of my life that benefits others as well, but I think I don't remember how to love anymore. And without love my goals are just hollow promises of salvation. Ever since my family knows I'm gay I can't honestly say that I love them. I don't even remember what it feels like. I just know it was better. Most of the time I just push theese doubts behind me and keep going, keep doing what I must, but I rarely ever get a hug or a kiss. Actually in the past 2 years I think I didn't. Thank you for your advices though. I also think that staying focused is the most important, but we all fall sometimes...
    Hmmm, I think what you want most is acceptance and what you fear most is rejection. You fear getting too close to people because you feel like there is something wrong with you. You feel like there is something unacceptable about your character.

    You're out and your parents don't accept you for who you are and this reinforces your feelings. You have friends who accept you but the friendships are shallow.

    You say that you seem to have two faces. So there are still things you hide about your personality that you want people to know about; there must be something else about you that you want your friends to accept.

    You strongest desire is to find someone who is very understanding and will accept anything.

    In this case, the best advice is to start fresh. It's hard to rectify current relationships or start new relationships in an environment where everyone already knows your false face. You want a new environment where people don't know you are so you can present your true self and be accepted.

    For now though, you must wait because you don't have the ability to leave and start fresh. When you leave for your Master's degree you will have your chance to start fresh. Don't mess it up that time!

    Don't radically change yourself when you move either. It will be very difficult to do since you will be accustomed to your fake face. Instead find someone now or later who you believe is the most understanding and slowly reveal a little more of yourself, then move and proceed.

    It also seems like you have a sound mind but let your emotions take over since you know that a little fat is OK but you feel guilt when you eat a lot. It's hard to follow your own advice when your feelings contradict your mind. It sounds like a therapist would really help at this point.

    What you need is consolation; someone to tell you that you are doing nothing wrong.

    Sorry if my analysis was too far off and assumes too much.
    Last edited by TitaniumSky; October 31st, 2012 at 11:37 PM.

  40. #40
    Coward92
    Guest

    Re: Isolation, loneliness, apathy. Speak to me.

    @TitaniumSky
    It was actually a very good analysis. I fear rejection, because I have a really hard time "not giving a fuck" about people I find interesting. Acceptance is a verygood thing. I would totally love to acoomplish that. I think I was accepted only once by a friend, but later he turned away (he lost interest in the realtionship).

    The funny thing about findiing someone is that I definitely want someone strong, mature and masculine. I seek theese in a man. I hope it is not because I'm looking for my "absentee father figure" in another man... It is also true that I thirst for physical contact and touching. I don't mean sex, but hugs, kisses, stroking and things like that. It works miracles with me when I get a fair amount of theese (of course they have to be attached to a proper emotional background). I have a hard time though because turns out, that people are afraid of me. I was told that my presence is intimidating and combined with my more than 200 cm height a very great lot of people very much likes to avoid me. Especially the attractive ones.

    I have decided to initiate changes in my life right now. I was not focused enough on my tasks and duties, but it is necessary that I succeed at my studies. I always let my emotions to take over... possibly because I'm over-emotional and I decide based on my feelings most of the time. I think I will take university as a competition. I will target the best student and try to surpass him. Maybe this way I will grow in mind and I will develop a little more self-esteem.

    @Ganoderma
    Yes, why thank you so much for being so nice
    Outspoken? Haha, yeah I get that a lot Part of my charm, really. I prefer honest truths to false courtesies, but I'm starting to learn that politeness can be a very potent shield... and a weapon. It just takes practice to master a new style of conversation. I seem to notice that people hate when someone is telling the truth all the time. IT is like they expect flattery from every corner. I'm very good at flattery though, but I keep it for my best friends

    Some of my fellow students don't even speak english I can speak, but I am much better at writing, because here I can correct mistakes. I practiced a lot to reach that level. I even learned love songs in english and sang them when I was cooking. Drove my mom crazy Hahahah...

    Well my mom is a stubborn one... just like my dad and everyone else in the family. They are good people though.
    Ph my future husband... I must become worthy of him. I must become valuable and loveable to make it easier for him to love me. I don't want to be a burden.

    @Benvolio Yes, well, I have to find balance. I must realize what is enough. But not today. Today I will bake muffins!

    I feel very much better since I opened this thread. You guys are very caring and helpful. I hope I can return the favor one day.

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