sometimes, when i think about how certain things in this world operate, how society is and think about how it has affected my life and eventually will, i think i would be better off dead sooner than later. things aren't going to get better. they're going to get worse. i would much rather be dead than to have to live my life being miserable in a society like this. you know things will be good, bad or whatever but it's about how you manage it and if your head isn't in the right place, little things that are nothing may hurt you. you know, i would be better off living in the woods by myself off with little to no contact with people, no tv, and whatever. but even so, i think that the reason why i'm feeling so down might be some chemical imbalance upstairs. if it were up to me, i would be keeping busy hanging outside, encouraging my brother and my homeboys to do something together. get some fresh air and hang out with me but everybody wants to be holed up in the house all day.
even hearing the police cruisers circling around my block and knowing that they've been acting real suspicious for the past week, parked up down the road like they're watching somebody just irks me. they had three cop cars with police officers outside somebody's house just talking on friday. i don't know who they're looking for or who they want word with. i know i didn't do anything BUT being how the police act towards black men out here, it wouldn't surprise me if they wanted to have a word with me over something as well as any young black guys over here. about a month ago, they were circling around the block like 6 times while i was blowing out the leaves on my front yard and to tell you the truth, i think they were watching me. that's me being paranoid though. i don't trust the police. had quite a few run ins with police in the past and they damn sure weren't good ones.
and even now, just hearing my father singing basically crying for attention and feeling my left foot cringing for whatever reason, i feel sick BUT i'm not physically sick.
just hope that the trip to the psychiatrist actually helps me out. i won't give up on myself but at the same time, i think i'm reaching my breaking point.