^I have written the Morning Pages for possibly two years now.
I think it important to do it right. You don't want to write down the ideas that come to you--that's brainstorming, which is quite a different matter.
Rather, you want to write the words that you hear in your head. I'll give you an example of the words that I hear in my head, right now, to provide an example:
"What words? What am I going to write? I feel lousy typing on this laptop. Wish I had a better laptop. That's a handsome man in my avatar. Wish I looked like him. He's dead, Johann. Do you want to look dead? Why do you use Johann, Johann? Blank. I can't think of anything to write. That's what writing Morning Pages is all about. I picture a woman sitting at a window. Sun's on her face. Flowers. Frank Lloyd Wright. Talesin. Teater Knoll in Idaho is the most beautiful one he built. Nobody knows about it. Fallingwater gets all the glory. What about that other hexagonal one? How I wish I could live in one. The Husser House..."
Do you see how our minds work, how our thoughts meander, how they go from subject to subject, like some hoes go from man to man?
BOSS: I'm sorry, but I'll have to lay you and Jack off.
SUE: Can you just jack off? I feel like shit today.
Things that come to those who wait, are often left over from whoever got there first. (source: pharmaceutical spam 2007)
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony
You also need to remember that your problems you're having are GENETIC. Your parent(s) are probably going through the exact same shit you are. You're a step ahead of them because you realize you have a 'problem'. Try and look at them with more compassion then you feel they're giving you.
and it may be genetic but being the way my family is, they aren't talking or are basically in denial. my mom said that she had depression and anxiety issues, she was actually diagnosed when she was in the military BUT she chose not to deal with them. she says that my grandmom had issues too saying that she might have manic depression. then on my father side of the family, it's even worse because he seems to be a basketcase and i'm willing to bet that he either has that narcissistic personality disorder or anti social personality disorder from the way he acts. his late half brother appeared to be outthere too where he left his wife how many years ago, ran to the other side of the world and impregnanted a bunch of women where he has kids. he might have had a mental disorder too. my father's biological mother apparently had a mental disorder either schizophenia or something like that. my mom encouraged my father to get help BUT he refused to because he doesn't think he has a problem. she was nuts. nobody was formally diagnosed though because they're a different generation. pretty much both sides of the family may have had issues but nobody is talking or wants to acknowledge anything. it's messed up because they passing down whatever and then when the doctor asks for a family history, it's like i'm talking out my ass giving a heresay when it's not even backed up. it's just a headache really.
hell, if it were up to my mom, i'd still be on some "i can do it myself. i can snap myself out of it. i just need to keep myself busy." it's upsetting. just had to vent real quick because i've always been told by my family that i'm wrong for going out to seek help for my issues.
You can't fix their problems. You can only fix your own. I've gone to therapy and one on anti-depression meds. And I don't care who knows it. As borg says, something's not right, go get it fixed. It's what you do.
^that surprises me, Lex.
You comeacross as one of the strongest, most confident people I've ever met.
Kind of makes sense to me, actually. I could see antidepressants causing the sort of "robotic" tendencies we've joked about/observed.
^Sometimes I think feeling like a robot would feel like a blessing, Razzie.
Right now, I feel everything so intensely, it's as if the contrast and volume has been turned on really, really high.
Tell me about it. I got really infuriated just a bit ago because I let an old lady cross the street in a parking lot, and a very rude, thoughtless woman crossed the street right after her without looking, right as I was about to pull away.
It's not that big of a deal, but the principle of it just irked the hell out of me.
I wish they'd invent a pill that lets us turn down the volume a little bit.
Or is that what SSRIs do?
If you decide to take up the practice of writing Morning Pages, you need not necessarily write the words down by hand--you may type them.
Someone set up a website for specifically this purpose:
And for the record, I was on anti-depressants all of five months in the last decade. And I found they didn't "roboticize" me at all. It's very tough to describe the effect they had. But if you've ever had a really bad cold, and then suddenly your sinuses FINALLY open? Or if you've been stuck with cold cloudy weather for weeks, and then you FINALLY get that sudden burst of sun and warmth? Like that. But where I suddenly burst out of a "life is terrible and I can't stop thinking about horrible things" cycle into a sudden "No, wait, I remember - I like life" state. Up until the meds finally kicked in (which took about a week), I was running on faith. The fact that I sort of remembered what it was like to be happy and enjoy stuff. But once they took hold, I immediately felt it again. I felt normal again. And even though I slipped back into depression maybe 30 seconds later, that was fine. I had gotten back for a second, and that was enough for me to get determined to get back there permanently. Which I managed to do.
I do seem to sort of not feel the massive ups and downs that many people do. I recognize the angry "you bitch - you walked in front of my car" thing that RE mentioned. I do get those feelings on rare occasions. But generally, I feel more...eye-rolling? I smirk and say "No, please, you too. Definitely meant for you to cross as well." More sardonic humor than anger. But occasionally, yeah, I freak out and want to scream at them. I'm glad I don't feel it that often.
Which SSRI is it, Lexy?
(I wonder if "turning down the volume" would also mean "turning down my creativity"? I get flashes of inspiration that qualify as pure genius, hence my idea about fried chicken the other night.)
They don't turn you into Stepford Wives.
Ugh, I so envy that Lex. As a possible Aspie, I'm so hell-bent on this fantasy of everyone getting their just deserts, which is STUPID because obnoxious fuckheads getting away with obnoxious bullshit is an undeniable fact of life (and should have a pretty negligible effect on your own life if you live it properly).
Random sidnote: I think way too many people regard antidepression medication as "happy pills", and then feel they aren't working under that expectation. And I think people almost are embracing the idea that normal things in life shouldn't make you sad-- losing jobs, losing loved ones or ending long relationships, etc. Those are all normal things to feel sad about. The right medication shouldn't make you happy all the time. It should stop you from being chemically depressed for no real life cause.
^ That. Life was great when I fell into my depression.
Um...I'm trying to remember which med it was. It was a "mild" one, since my depression was diagnosed as mild - ie, I could still function. Maybe welbutrin? Not many side effects. Occasional vague feeling (like you get with cold medicine), and I got tinnitus in my right ear ten minutes after taking it. No sexual side effects. At actually, my creativity was much improved - I actually could motivate myself to carry out creative tasks.
^Wellbutrin would not work for someone like me (and possibly RJ)
I feel certain we have inherited that genetic mutation in which our brains process dopamine differently. If so, Wellbutrin--which serves as a dopamine agonist-might make matters worse.
Again, not sure if it was. And my depression was a light mist compared to the torrential downpours that others have to face. Perhaps I'm "naturally zombified", and perhaps I should be taking pills to become more like you.
^I see it as a curse, Lexy.
When someone makes any kind of a loud noise, I shake, startled to the core of my cells. That doesn't feel like very much fun.
Anyhow.....speaking of genetic time bombs....
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???????
I inherited Factor V Leiden and serious co-agulation disorders from my mother's mother's mother's side of the family (Bowstra).......but this week I find out that I inherited my FATHER'S fucking blood pressure???!!!!!
I started running about 150 over 110 and Boom...suddenly I'm on ACE inhibitors.
And nothing else is going to bring it down.
Fuck Fucking Fuck.
A member here I really liked is totally giving me the cold shoulder. >_< I'm about ready to just give up on them.
Sammy! <3 I wish you were around here more.
but while i'm at it, i'm feeling a bit irritated and annoyed. *takes deep breath* i was going to bring this up and was going to push it back then i have to get it off my chest.
this may seem petty and this may be because i'm irritated, worked up, the zoloft or whatever else but fuck it, i was at the gym just chilling. you know, there were some other guys looking at me in a way i didn't like. i kind of got annoyed where i looked at them back like "who are you looking at?" i get uncomfortable when i see other guys looking at me at the gym for whatever reason. i get into defensive mode where i start thinking like "is this dude that is looking at me want to fight me?" i get paranoid and on guard when a guy looks at me.
but anyways, i was a bit worked up over that. i usually am worked up but i was extra worked up where i was just ready to go off. READY. then my brother and me decided to work on our guts on this little bench sit up thing. so we're doing our thing and this guy and his girl wants to work in with us so we let them. i notice that before they asked, they were all waiting around with the guy using one of the other stomach exercise equipment and the woman was standing next to this other machine playing with her cell phone and at the same time looking at me with this blank face. i notice them while looking at the mirror while i was exercising. so we're all taking turns and then i asked the woman if she wanted to go ahead since i finished doing what i was doing and sorry if i offend anybody with what i'm going to say, i apologize to all the ladies in here before hand but this bitch gives me this look like i was stupid or something and walks back to the guy as if i wasn't talking to her ass. i got mad. really mad. i was like "bitch, i'm trying to be friendly here, nice to you and all and you go about it like that. you wanted to work in with us so go ahead and work in with us instead of doing that rude, stuck up bitch attitude. so my brother and me finished doing what we were doing, went to the locker room, got my jacket and went to the car. i was by myself and i got fuming mad where i really felt like going off on that broad. i don't know what is going on this week but some of these women are testing my patience. i do not want to hit a woman or put my hands around a woman's neck BUT i swear if any of these woman excluding my mother or any blood relative of mine or any woman that i know tests my patience, i will snap on their ass. i don't want to chris brown a broad BUT i will if i have to.
but anyways, right now, i'm annoyed and ticked off. if anyone once again excluding family, friends and other people that i'm cool with test my buttons, i wouldn't mind fucking slashing their face up with a boxcutter. just cutting away in their face for pissing me off. since they hurt my feelings, i feel i should HURT them in a way that scars them permanently so they know that i hurt them and they never forget what i did to them. if you want to get me mad or fuck me over, i'll fuck you over twice so you know who you're fucking with and you learn a lesson. i could care less about the consequences. i'm willing to die over that shit too.
Yes, I have a black eye. I got it in one of the following ways:
* having semi-consensual sex with a werewolf in a stairwell
* getting into a heavy disagreement about sexuality with a visiting lacrosse player
* asking a server in a sit-down restaurant why they thought they deserved an 18% tip
* running into a guy wearing a Chris Culliver jersey on the bus
* an impromptu flashmob parkour performance that didn't quite go as planned
* making a YouTube video of me dancing around the room to "The Boy Is a Bottom"
* a lover's quarrel between two guys who didn't want to "share the gargoyle" (which reminds me, I owe the victor a hell of a night)
* reading "The Unreleased Beatles" in bed past my bedtime
* revealing to my college quarterback online boyfriend that the "girl" he's been courting the last year is a 43-year-old hairy gay guy
* attempting to knit a comfy cozy for my cock and balls
* overenthusiastic mosh pitting to local band The Kevin Costner Suicide Pact
* getting to a fight with a local news camera crew who stopped me in the street and asked me how long I've had an STD
* jumping into the pool at Casa Bonita in a slightly buzzed state
No points for guessing the correct answer.
running into a guy wearing a Chris Culliver jersey on the bus
I'll go with drunk pool jumping.
note to self: never be so foolish as to think someone might actually have a crush on me again.
turns out that the "super gay," very effeminate friend from high school who I thought was crushing on me was actually using me to get close to my female best friend.
just seems to be the story of my life lately. I can't remember the last time someone was actually interested in me for me, and not trying to use me for my money, car, casual sex, food delivery, etc, etc...
I had two artists I really wanted to take part in my next event in March. I didn't hold out much hope, since they're both really busy and one's a friggin' Academy Award nominee. But I asked anyway.
They both said yes.
I'm bouncing off the walls. Which is tough for a gargoyle.
to no one in particular:
Isn't it funny how some people couldn't care less about you until you all of a sudden stop paying them any attention?
You can only act like an unconcerned dick for so long until the person(s) putting themselves out there decide it's time to keep it moving.
Last edited by Huntneo(PT); February 1st, 2013 at 11:10 PM.
Just kiss and make up. But no tongues.
Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.
The answer you have provided me has not afforded you safe passage in the ocean, G-Lex.