but another rant that's on my head.
you know, this is something about ocd. you know, i HATE ocd like a motherfucker. you know, without going into much detail. i started to engage in ocd'ish behaviors back when i was in the 6th grade where i was flipping around coins on some heads and tails shit. at the time, i was worrying about getting tekken 3 for my birthday's birthday. this was back in 1998. so i'd flip the penny and go like "will i get tekken 3 for my brother's birthday?" and if it was tails, that would be a yes to that question. if it was heads, then that would be a no. i would flip the coin nonstop until i felt comfortable with the answer. even when my mom reserved it at software etc, i still didn't think that was good enough to answer my questions. was able to snap out of it, go back to my life and then in the 9th grade, it came back really strong and has been in my life ever since. i've dealt with it, learned to live with it, and my life went on. however, as i got older, i wanted to get my life back. i wanted to be able to do whatever i wanted to do without worrying or thinking something bad was going to happen if i did something else little as putting lotion on my feet before i went to bed, drinking a cup of tea, closing my blinds, ignoring the clock, and etc. i also wanted to get those stupid motherfucking ideas out of my thread involving things that i had NO control over.
i used to get up from my bed up until a week ago just about, literally staring @ the clock and i seriously mean that shit, just staring the night away, hoping on my bed, listening to music in the dark with the curtains open so the light can shine into my room at 3 in the morning. i would have the random thoughts like "will i get laid today? will i get a new job? will my life get better? will we go to new york? will this guy that i have a crush on go out with me?" and all these stupid questions which i can't even recall. i can't say that it ran my life BUT it was a part of my life where i lived my life around that shit. it was a part of who i was. whenever i tried to explain to my mom and my brother this, they was like "you need something better to do with your time" or they just didn't get it. my mom even one time told me that "maybe it was a gift from god. you have psychic powers." i felt that she was insulting me because it wasn't really fucking with me for real. not only that. i would look @ the colors of cars. words in sentences. did a whole lot of shit that revolved around that. it was crazy.
but however when i went to the psych 2 week ago, she pretty much told me that i had really bad anxiety issues. i never THOUGHT i did but now, it makes sense. if you remember awhile back, i had some thread about how i was freaking out at work, i had a drink, losing breath and etc. well, that was actually a panic attack. the crazy thing is that i experienced that more than one time and the first time i ever experienced that was when i got high off my ass in toronto. so that makes sense now.
but however, you know, i talked to borg about this and he was pretty much talking some sense into me on how to manage this, it's sort of hard to acknowledge and live with it now that i know what it is. i know i have to go about my life, life goes on and etc BUT at the same time, i'm sort of upset at being this way to tell you the truth. i don't want to be on meds BUT to tell you the truth, i don't think i could close my curtains if i didn't take it. i think i would have been staring up at the clock all night. i would be paying attention to the color of cars, the words of sentences, running in and out the house three times before i go out because i forgot to check if the stove was still on, you know. everybody is crazy to some extent BUT why did i end up with this though? i'm a little upset that i closed my curtains. i want to leave them open BUT then the reason why i left them open in the first place is because i think the light from the outside is going to make me smarter since i don't think that i'm intelligent despite it being nighttime where the only light is from the moon since it's a full moon, passing cars and the lights from the houses and the streetlights. i also thought that the light would cure my depression. but then again, it's cold as fuck outside, the draft from outside comes in and makes my small ass room cold being that it's wintertime. so i need to keep it closed otherwise i could get sick. plus i like how i get to chill in the dark, be alone by myself and it calms my nervous, anxious ass down a bit.
but with that said, i think i'm going to refill my prescription on zoloft and get busy living with my life. studying the lsat, fill out job applications, prepare for that correctional officer exam and get busy making myself a life again. i would say that i've been holed in the house for a bit too long.
okay, that's enough of my rant. i sound like a kid.