Yes, it probably is. Don Quixote and the incredibly sexy Mistress eJMichaels
used to make this old dumbasses avatars and siggys...after much pestering
from me over the ages they decided I WOULD LEARN to make my own.
So I am practicing. Some are a little xxxier than others so if I am going
into SFOW territory, I change. Its good practice for now and I do have my
3 favorites...one is a drawing shi tzu tylenol did for me, the black horse and
the morphing priest horse. BTW, I talk a lot sometimes...
Actually not a swimmer but yes, he had a penis... see?
I am sick of my current date omg ....why does he need validation????
oh mikey, be careful....
this guy has a wit...
and some quick answers.
I WISH one of my biggest problem(s) now was worrying about other members and how they present/behave themselves on this site.
Sounds like my Hunty bud has a problem....
Okay dude, you want to bleed a bit...
see if someone has a tourniquet?
I am glad that your psychiatrist appointment is not too far off. Give it your best shot, because you seem to recognize that you will need outside help to handle your inner turmoil.
From reading your posts I sense this. You are a young, intelligent, black gay man, but inside you are two different persons emotionally. The one "you" is a positive person, calm, friendly, likeable, rational, at peace with himself and the world. The other "you" is a negative person, stressed out, angry, in physical and emotional pain, unpleasant, unable to cope with himslf or his surroundings.
Of course you want the positive person in you to be the operative one, but what triggers the appearance of the negative Refuji? The trigger seems to me to be stresses that are more than you can handle. Everybody encounters stress in his life. It is how those stresses are handled that makes the difference. It may be that something in your past life has hindered or seriously damaged your stress-coping mechanisms. Does that make sense and seem possible?
I think you should seize on the upcoming psychiatrist sessions to delve into the conflict between the postive Refuji and the destructive, negative Refuji to discover how that conflict can be resolved through the weakening or elimination of the negative thing living inside you.
You expressed (in #456 above) some negativity about the psychiatric session scheduled for January 17th. This is not a good frame of mind to approach it with, since you admit that you can't do alone what needs to be done to make your view of life better. The session will undoubtedly be stressful for you ... and that would be a perfect opportunity for the negative, self-destructive Refuji to come out and take over. When you feel that happening, you should stop and say directly to the psychiatrist, "This is not the me I want to be. What you see and hear is how I react to stress, and that is what I want to change." Don't let the negative Refuji prevent you from getting the help you want and that he doesn't want you to have.
I can't tell you how you should cope with stress except to say that the way you have learned is the wrong way. It produces rage, pain, hatred, and even more stress. I hope the psychiatrist will give you some help in that area. That's his job.
A lot of us are wishing you success in this. Go get 'em, guy!
Maybe it's an expired bus pass deal...
But the truth is : A movie starting at 7:45 PM will not start until 8:00 PM
But he was wrong ...previews ended at 8:11
I guess I could have been mean and said "you were wrong"
Wit? No...he doesn't have that much. But maybe it can be all be subsumed under humour.
One thing I could NEVER accuse him of is complementing someone
9 dates...ZERO complements (let's see...I got a new job in that time, scored great on a qualification test, made some great biscuits for thanksgiblets dinner etc)
If he was a balance sheet it would have NO credit side only debits.
Yes sir there's a dude living in the moment (huge sarcasm in that comment)....he NEVER says "I thought you said" "you told me" etc...gee those phrases are never in his vocabulary....
OMG...yes you DID say that in the 18th minute of our fourth date when you folded the napkin at Rubio's restaurant and a speck of dust fell on the southeast quadrant of the table illuminated by 18.8 candlepowers of light and the women next to us said " and Mary had 14 minutes last year on the 23rd of her best month which is June..."
"The Power of Now" reads "The Power of identic memory applied to the almost now"
Ever met anyone like that Lefty?
I received a hot and steamy PM from a JUBber, who asked me to please respond in kind. So I did...only to find that he has "reached his capacity on his PM mailbox". #firstworldproblems
Sadly yes Michael.
An older intimate (as he chose) cousin I
stayed with one early puberty stricken summer.
Fab looks, Build to include Hung, Brilliant.
If it wasn't in the privacy of HIS barn loft
and his schedule, it just didn't happen.
Other than those 'instructional times' and his physical attributes
he could easily have been the Sheldon Character on
The Big Bang Theory
Pedantic starts the supercilious guys identification.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck fuck dammit fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!! So fucking angry right now, dammit. Inconsiderate cunts, fuuuuuuuuck.
When you've calmed down and done your breathing exercise,
You can tell Uncle Lefty what crawled up yoour leg and bit your
bigger gonad. Here or p/m...just to vent or want to talk or
need another point of view....I'll be around neighbor.
Sorry about that. I was very tipsy and had been woken up by the noise of celebration. Still kinda drunk but I'm calm now.
all right, it's 6 o clock in the morning out here in the jerz. happy new years to everybody first off. second off, i know i should be in bed BUT i have something to get off my chest.
next year around this time, i will be out of the closet to my homeboy as i am already to my brother. i will be out to more people. that is a goal i have for this year. i was hoping to come out to him last year but plans change. i also have to say that i am now either growing up or just had it up to here with the bullshit.
next year, i do NOT plan on going out on new years or better yet if i do, i'm going to a gay club. that's no question. when i went to that club, i realized how much of a mistake that i made. what the hell was i doing that? i'm gay. of course, i wasn't going to have a good time. i should be at a place with guys like me. i saw like two cute guys and when i was waiting to the bathroom, this guy accidently pushed his crotch against my ass. right now, i should be in bed with a guy or a guy who i call my boyfriend enjoying my L-I-F-E. why was i there? i also realized how stupid it was and how stupid new years is. people are happy that they lived to see another year. i now am happy to live to see another day and this morning showed me that. you had a bunch of people that were acting crazy and some of them got really shitfaced. my brother and my homeboy got drunk BUT i didn't. i didn't want to get drunk because i didn't feel like following along what everybody else was doing. i don't like the feeling of being drunk or intoxicated. i also didn't want to be one of those people that i saw ready to start a fight or being unable to stand up where someone or the police was trying to talk sense into them.
but yeah, new york most definitely ain't safe as it's cracked up to be nowadays. i saw like three fights. one of them almost turned into a gunfight. my homeboy did the stupidest thing and i'm really disappointed at him for doing this. this is why i didn't drink like that and i don't understand why people do it. we pass by these projects and a fight breaks down between these group of people. they start scuffling, swinging on each other and next thing you know, someone pulls out a gun and starts shooting into the air. that's the first time i ever seen someone fire a gun in front of me. it wasn't as scary as i thought it would be shockingly. the shots weren't loud loud either at least to me. surprisingly, most people weren't freaking out, much rather standing around. my homeboy, must have been because he was drunk, was standing there when it all happened, trying to do some matrix shit. i'm trying to get him to move away from the gunfire and he's just standing there. he's lucky that the commotion didn't go in our direction where whoever was shooting shot in our direction. dude talks about he was going to hide behind a car as if the bullets couldn't ricohet and hit him. man........... i'm a bit pissed off with him @ the fact that dude could have got himself, me or both of us injured or killed doing something stupid like that. even if he was drunk, that was stupid to stand there when something like that happened. he was joking about it afterwards but i didn't think that was funny. much rather stupid. then my brother and my homeboy both were talking shit, acting a fool and these other drunk idiots passed by us ready to fight somebody. my brother and my homeboy start talking shit about them and the drunk idiots that passed us overheard it so they start getting upset. my brother and my homeboy talk shit back and i find myself in the mix with a situation ready to pop off.
you know, i was miserable already from the jump before i even left the house because i wasn't feeling too good. my brother was forming the ass getting outside the house where we arrived at the club fairly late. i was trying to get there early BUT my brother decided to do some bullshit. i also had my mother when i was telling my brother off jumping on my case telling me to stop arguing with him. basically, i was dealing with a lot of bullshit AND i was having people around me telling me to tolerate it. well, i'm tired of that shit. i love my family and my friends but at the same time, i'm beginning to look at myself more and care. i don't want to get drunk, i want to come out the closet, i don't want to pretend that i am no longer in pain, and basically i don't want to live my life around what other people want me to do or want me to be. i want to live life how i want. my homeboy tells me to be positive instead of being negative. he's right BUT @ the same time, i feel that the things that are in my environment being pushed on to me is negative anyways. so it's time i man up and walk away from it.
one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry
get job for some coin and self esteem....
entry level in the work force is okay...you got cycled
into fast food and stopped for a while...now, try
something different, Labour is not demeaning...
you in fairly good shape?...warehouse
grunt or bargain hardware store clerk. Hell, even
WalMart pays a pretty good start. It isn't going to
be your life...but it will get you started.
dr appt for a professional ear. Tell the white coat you
really don't want chemicals you want to walk not float.
Then ask if/how he can help. Your last post shows some
signs man....but you gotta take the steps.
Shit man, I'm sorry...always sounds like I'm lecturing.
Last edited by Lefty; January 1st, 2013 at 04:45 AM.
i do need a job. trying to learn how to manage my funds. make a dollar out of 15 cents. wasted a lot of money on bs with the last job i had. also need to get cracking with the whole law school thing for next year.
i actually set up an appointment last month with a psychiatrist to meet up on january 17th.
it's time to take control of my l-i-f-e.
looking back at what mr. rochester said yesterday, he hit the nail on the head. last night, i was being extremely negative and debbie downish. came in with a negative attitude and etc because i was stressed out with the fact that i was doing something that i didn't want to do. instead of just staying home or having the balls to say to my homeboy and my brother, "i'm gay so i'm going to a gay bar". i decided to make their trip and mine as miserable as possible by complaining and etc. i just was afraid to be open about it and to allow myself to be free instead of storing everything up. i know that coming out is a wonderful feeling. i also am reminded whenever i'm with my homeboy or someone that doesn't know that i'm gay but thinks i'm straight, it's a horrible feeling.
this year, i HAVE to come out to my homeboy. i plan on going to the gay pride parade. i plan on being out to more people and i don't care what my family thinks. my mom doesn't want me to tell anybody and neither does my brother. the thing i feel that it's holding me back from doing the thing that i want to do. i can't take being in fear anymore. i wanted to be in a gay club grinding to some guys or have some guys grinding on me. dance to whatever and etc. fuck being in some straight club where there's 300 people in a room designated for 100 people. i will NEVER do that again.
i want to thank lefty, johannbessler, and mr. rochester for giving me advice and looking out for me. i love you guys.
one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry
^I liked you from the beginning, Rj. I see a little bit of myself in you.
I'm glad that I was able to help in my small way.
I hope you will keep us posted with your progress with your psychiatrist. If you tell him about your feelings about wanting to hurt yourself, they'll help you for sure. Just don't overdo that part of it, or they'll hospitalize you.
Yes Refuji - it's good you're getting help. Like JohanB said, don't over do it, or this will be your phase 2:
I've actually noticed a lot of progress with you so far, on your own. I think with guidance, you'll do great.
I can't claim to know Refuji well but I do definitely think he seems more settled and such than when I first got here to JUB.
I love the way Refuji writes when he is not stressed out. He can handle language better than many people can today. He may have the makings of a good lawyer or a writer. I hope he gets the chance to grow his talents and become the person that he wants to be.
Hoping for the best for a very likable guy who deserves better than he has gotten in the past. May 2013 be the best year yet for our Refujiunderground.
Last edited by MrRochesterNY; January 1st, 2013 at 01:09 PM.
I'll join in the ref love. If he can keep his head on straight, make the plan, and keep his eye on the prize, he may really go very far.
Now my rant. Less a rant, really, and me just thinking out loud.
I defriended someone on Facebook again today. No big deal - I never met her, she never met me, she has 4000 friends (seriously) so she won't miss me. She sent me a friend request for some reason a few years ago, and I accepted. I rarely say no, figuring if the person turns out to be annoying, I'll drop them. Which is I guess what happened here.
She's a very attractive woman. I say that from an objective point of view. She works at a drive-thru coffee shop where the servers are all women and all scantily clad. I think she does some modeling as well, although I never found out if she was selling anything but herself in those photos. It looked like the photo shoots were freebies done by photographers (because hey, hot female model) rather than for any specific purpose. Her "candid shots" were of her wearing another hot outfit, or her fake-kissing another scantily clad colleague. Her few text-based posts were usually simple jokes, of the "good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere lol" type.
Mind you, none of this is wrong, or makes her a bad person. In fact, I enjoyed keeping her as a friend for awhile, because she afforded me a glimpse into the world of being (for lack of a better term) "simply attractive". I liked watching her pile up the likes whenever she posted anything at all. She could butt-post "fghjhgf" and get twenty likes in ten minutes. She even seemed to appreciate my occasional dry humorous responses to her posts or photos, partially because I never made her the butt (ahem) of the joke, and partially because it was attention and therefore good, and perhaps partially because she even made the old gay guy say something, and that's gotta be worth something, right?
But I finally defriended her today. No big thing set me off. She posted a picture with a friend (or co-worker) with "I love this sexy bitch" as the caption, and the likes came rolling in. But finally, it just seemed...sad. I mean, I'm not that much different from her. Nobody on Facebook is. Hell, even on JUB, my posts can usually be broken down into one of a very few categories - "look how smart I am", "aren't I funny"?", "look at the gargoyle pretending to be helpful" and "who wants to get down and dirty?" (In case you're wondering, roughly 10,000 of each.) But it was less the "look at me" of her posts, and more the fact that that's all there was. I'd like to think that even at my whoriest, I offer something above and beyond "look at me" (clothed or otherwise). I'd like to think I'm entertaining or thought-provoking or titillating or helpful on some level. But this woman's posts had nothing more to offer me anymore. The thrill was gone from watching the "likes" build up. And as a gay man, all I could do was casually observe that she posted yet another photo of herself looking attractive. And they all started looking like "say you like me". And I found that depressing. So I defriended her.
Who wants to get down and dirty?
^I had a weird experience on Facebook.
A gay cousin sent me a Friendship request. Since I hadn't seen him in over 30 years, and wanted to connect with him, I accepted. I began commenting on his posts, and asking him questions--questions to which he never responded, much less acknowledged.
Question: if someone doesn't want to correspond with you, why would he send you a friend request? <scratches head>
I ended up defriending him.
this year, I received a Christmas card from a guy I haven't seen in 2 years (I didn't get a card last year or the year before, so I assume it wasn't some kind of mass mail list)... after I received it, I sent him an email like, "hey, long time no see! thanks for the card, how's everything going?"
and never got a response...
Ugh, probably going to drop my winter class. Feels lazy, but w/e. I still haven't fully recovered from this stupid bug. Waking up feeling like a lobster was dancing on my throat was the last sign I needed.
and i have to vent about my gut. i don't know what i ate BUT i have been going through a fucking shitstorm today. i had dinner like 8 o clock last night and didn't eat anything until noon today. i had collard greens, 5 biscuits, ackee and saltfish and plantains for dinner. that's a huge gap. i woke up with a headache and i was doing okay. i had some cheerios, 2 eggs and 2 tuna fish/saldines/peanut butter sammiches today. i took a plain old shit at 3 o clock. i ate like the 2 eggs i mentioned and the 2 tuna fish sandwiches inbetwee n that gap. somehow, i dunno what happened with my stomach but something upset it where i had a severe case of mudbutt. i've ran to the bathroom like 3 times already spilling my guts out. i want to jerk off but i'm afraid that my stomach at any minute is going to bother me again where i have to run to the toilet again. i HOPE i'm not allergic to cheerios but if i was, it doesn't surprise me. it also wouldn't surprise me if i had my mom's wheat allergy. she's allergic to a bunch of food. it would get me really heated if i was both lactose intolerant and allergic to wheat. there's NOTHING fun about drinking some regular milk, having horrible stomach pains for the whole day and being in the bathroom for about an hour or so on the toilet shitting so hard.
one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry
You have just been cross rated to
Major Garbage Gut.
You deserve the squirties if you assaulted your stomach like that.
Even My Cast Iron Habanero Enfused Gut wouldn't go there.
Last edited by Lefty; January 2nd, 2013 at 04:48 PM.
Being sick was the wake-up call I needed to drop that damn class. Too bad it's a living hell right now.
but anyways, my brother is pissing me off. him and his fucking attitude. dude is ready to say some fucking slick remarks to me in the kitchen. he's really been pushing my buttons as of late and i fucking hate that fucking look he gives me. i love my brother BUT he's going to make me smack the SHIT out of him if he keeps it up and i'm going to really fucking smack him too across the face where i'll knock off his fucking glasses. he needs to watch who the fuck he's talking to. for real, just thinking about the words he said to me really makes me want to run down to the kitchen and smack the fuck out of him in front of my mother. he needs to show me some respect instead of acting like a fucking bitch.
and i don't know what it is. i went to the gym and i was getting very increasing annoyed at the guys in there. it must have been my paranoia or my inferior complex that really did it BUT i was just waiting and thinking about what i would do if any of the guys in the gym stepped up to me or annoyed me. i would just snap and grab the dumbbell, barbell and fucking beat their ass with it repeatedly til there's some brain damage or whatever. somebody would get hurt really bad. i know that i give people the wrong look, the mad face where they think i'm crazy or that i'm mad with the world. not going to lie, sometimes i am really angry and it appears on my face BUT damnit, i just get really heated sometimes where i'm going to snap while i'm in the gym where i want to FUCK somebody up. i also hate it when i see some of these guys trying to act all intimidating like they're going to whip somebody's ass or like they're king kong or whatever. it's annoying. i take that as if they're challenging somebody or whatever and i just feel like stepping to them or fighting them or whatever with my skinny, scrawny, midget self. i've been really angry today where i'm ready to go off on anybody.
i think it's because i didn't get any sleep last night or because i had a really bad nightmare which involved me coming up to some woman that i never seen before in my life where i went back to my old high school although the building wasn't the same exact one. there was some bodybuilding show and some art gallery thing going or whatever. i went up to this teacher, she was dressed in black with tears coming through her eyes. i was asking her to give me some recommendation for something and there were other women in there. i went to the basement where i saw some old woman and another woman and they just started acting all scared of me for some reason. they threw trash bags full of garbage at me and tried to hurt me. i didn't do SHIT to those women BUT yet they were treating me like i was a criminal or a rapist. i was like so mad like WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TREATING ME LIKE THAT FOR? THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO YOU? i should have choked that old woman for hitting me like that though. not only did she hit me but she embarrassed the hell out of me too calling the cops on me and i didn't even do SQUAT to her. i was leaving the damn building. i'm not going to call her the b-word though even though that's what i really want to say about her though. but keep in mind, it was all a dream BUT i have to say that sometimes, i have some dreams that scare me, make me cry, make me really happy BUT this was one of those that REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off because it was something that i HAD absolutely nothing to do with.
Unfortunately someone brought their crying baby into my apartment.
When I clean my apartment I feel like I am cleaning after children.
i'm really irritated right now. angry and very upset. man, on this other site that i go to, i feel like giving this annoying dickhead poster a buck 50 with one of my father's boxcutters lying around here. i would love to do nothing but shove that cunt on the ground, put my knee over that guy's neck and slice away off on his face on some prison shit. i want to make that dude feel just as bad as how i feel. i want to give that loser a facelift.
i don't know why i woke up irritated, depressed and angry. i think i need to masturbate all day to calm my nerves down. i would study and do whatever the fuck i HAVE to do BUT damnit, i don't feel like it right now. the bottom of my foot is really bothering me right now. i tried to sleep last night but i had trouble sleeping too. kept tossing and turning. had some creepy dream involving some woman on death row that killed like 5 children in connecticut. they were about to give her an execution date and they wanted her to pick her method of execution. she had the choice between electrocution or lethal injection. they were giving a run down of both of the execution protocols between the methods. there's more to that dream but my foot is bothering me so i'm not going to sit here any longer. i need to walk around.
and man, i kind of feel better saying that about that dumbfuck on the other site. i REALLY want to make that bitch feel like how i feel right now. he'll never talk shit about me again and neither will all those other godawful cunts on that site that just need to die already.
why is IT that i feel emotionally unstable right now? i slept last night. tried not to listen to any music and i still feel like shit except not as tired as i usually am. for that matter, i still feel like going over to that mental practitioner that i went over to last year that told me that "i'm faking my feelings and acting depressed on purpose for attention" and punching him in the mouth so he knows how "fake" my feelings are. FUCK THAT CUNT TOO!
with that said, i'm going to go over some of the posts that i have, as well as my other blog, and other things that i've said in the past documenting my feelings and thoughts, copy and paste them and print them out so i can give to the psychiatrist that i will meet up with soon so they see this shit. i will be incredibly annoyed if he or she tells me some bullshit. then i'll really go off on somebody.
thanks to frank frank for the idea. he told me to do that awhile back so that the shrink has some idea of where my head is at.
Yes!!! May be good, too, to show a variety of dates, i.e. not just print out stuff from a six-day period back in September or something. A variety of dates would show that there are persistent issues.
I'm one of those who feel that you can eventually become quite successful with something, accomplishing things you truly aspire to, but taking certain other steps first is necessary to scale the multiple walls first.
"All legal U. S. residents who are 18 years or older, shall have an unconditional right to vote." - We need a 28th Amendment to the U. S. Constitution which resembles this...NOW!
VOTING: Just remember: "Be careful of what you DON'T wish for. You might just get it." GET OUT AND VOTE for what you DO wish for.
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony
You know, it's funny and a little irritating when you try to reach out to someone/be a friend...and they just blow you off. One doesn't get too many chances to do that with me though. If I try to keep in touch with you and receive a cold reception, best believe it won't happen again.
And for everyone who reached out to me during my holiday blues/slump or whatever...thank you. I could easily separate the 'nosy' from those who genuinely care(d).
Last edited by Huntneo(PT); January 5th, 2013 at 11:45 AM.
Earlier this week, I went out to the gay bar with some friends. Enjoyed drinks, talking shit with the bartender, listening to music, etc. I ended up playing a few rounds of pool with this guy, flirting my ass off. As the night goes on I'm getting drunker (and obviously more charming) .
We're kicking ass at pool and we're getting along great. There is friendly touching, which at this point in my drunkenness, calls for me to sport a semi--and I decide to ask him about his relationship situation. Oh, he's straight.
And my mind can't seem to grasp this fact, so for about five minutes I'm constantly asking him, "Wait, you're straight?", "Are you sure you're straight?", etc. Felt like a fool. Finished the last game, I'm heading out and he says he'll see me around and we should play pool again.
Most frustrated I've felt in a while--which is why I usually never go beyond a buzz when I'm out at the bar--I need the clarity to keep the conversation coherent and pick up on signals that may, or may not, be there.
^ awww...lol, well it still sounds like you had a great time at the bar. AND possibly have a new gay-friendly straight pal to get to know.
btw...pics of the "semi" or it didn't happen.
Ugh, I hate how overly analytical I am sometimes. I need to stop over-thinking shit and just make a decision.