When you're not the favourite child...

[mikey3000]

Anyone else out there feel like this? I have a sister who could 'do no wrong', but has done everything wrong in her life, drugs, alcohol, prostitution, criminal record, violent tendancies, cheating on consecutive spouses, knocked up by another man, etc etc etc, yet I'm the one who's help to a higher standard of propriety for me, my spouse and my children because, well, we know better. I've taken my mother into my home during her illness because, frankly, no one else wanted her criticism (and oh yes, she is so critical), yet everyone else sees fit to criticize us (me, my wife and kids) for our lack of "social propriety".

Today I decided to beg off a family wedding because I'm just so exhausted, and my aunt chooses to come and tell me how disappointed she is. I nearly threw her out of my house. Her son barely knows who we are yet I'm expected to drive four hours to his destination wedding and cough up at least $500 when, quite frankly, I'm too emotionally exhausted. A couple weeks ago my aunt gave my daughter a dressing down in public because she made a comment about death that my aunt felt was not appropriate in a restaurant. In private I let into my aunt that HER behaviour towards my daughter was not appropriate, and now she is all put out. She said she expected better behaviour from me and my daughter. Ha. Then my mother had to get into it, saying that my daughter's and my behaviour is unacceptable. "You have to be the role model for the entire family because, really, you are the only male left."

Don't mean to whine, but just had to get it off my chest. ARGHHHHHHHH!!! Family!

[gsdx]

I have 4 older brothers, an older sister, and a younger sister. I'm not so sure there was ever a favourite, but I, being the youngest boy, always got blamed for everything. Whether or not that makes me a 'favourite' is open to discussion.

I'm glad you lit into your aunt. I had one like that, too. I wasn't particularly upset when she died.

[TheLyingGame]

Yes! My little sister can do no wrong, and I was always the one who got punished whether I'd done it or not, and she'd get away with whatever she wanted by fake crying. If it come down to it, my parents would never take my word over my younger siblings.

The eldest child always get the blame.

[ChickenGuy]

Hmmmm, are they aware you're bisexual? (sorry, no idea whether you're married to a man or woman)

My point is this could all be very thinly-disguised disapproval of your entire 'lifestyle' (for want of a better word)

Take a stand. It seems like you're relatives bully you into submission. If they do nothing but lecture you, I'd at the very least give as good as I got.


EDIT:


Oh, and as for myself, no issue for me.

I'm an only child, and I've been spoilt rotten since I was born.

[Hard-up1]

Your family is already deeply fractured.

Only you know best how to handle it, but from the cheap seats, I'd counsel disengaging. If separation (without pique) doesn't inform both you and your older generation the value of cherishing family, then maybe you are all better off without one another.

It doesn't need to degenerate into Mamas's Place, not really.

[Telstra]

Anyone else out there feel like this? I have a sister who could 'do no wrong', but has done everything wrong in her life, drugs, alcohol, prostitution, criminal record, violent tendancies, cheating on consecutive spouses, knocked up by another man, etc etc etc, yet I'm the one who's help to a higher standard of propriety for me, my spouse and my children because, well, we know better. I've taken my mother into my home during her illness because, frankly, no one else wanted her criticism (and oh yes, she is so critical), yet everyone else sees fit to criticize us (me, my wife and kids) for our lack of "social propriety".

Today I decided to beg off a family wedding because I'm just so exhausted, and my aunt chooses to come and tell me how disappointed she is. I nearly threw her out of my house. Her son barely knows who we are yet I'm expected to drive four hours to his destination wedding and cough up at least $500 when, quite frankly, I'm too emotionally exhausted. A couple weeks ago my aunt gave my daughter a dressing down in public because she made a comment about death that my aunt felt was not appropriate in a restaurant. In private I let into my aunt that HER behaviour towards my daughter was not appropriate, and now she is all put out. She said she expected better behaviour from me and my daughter. Ha. Then my mother had to get into it, saying that my daughter's and my behaviour is unacceptable. "You have to be the role model for the entire family because, really, you are the only male left."

Don't mean to whine, but just had to get it off my chest. ARGHHHHHHHH!!! Family!

mmmmm
It is called dysfunctional family ....
And your aunt is quite rude. I bet her family is not very functional either.

You were right not going to the wedding.
I wouldn't go to that wedding either.

[mikey3000]

The women in my family (mother's side) are all very domineering and controlling, thus the men don't stay around long. They either split early on or die at an early age. Go figure.

[pat grimshaw]

Mikey, I'd do what HU-1 is suggesting. All the best!

[BFizzle]

Problems I don't have.

[CupidBoy]

Is it possible your mother is hard on you BECAUSE you are more responsible? Maybe she expects more because she knows you are more.

[BFizzle]

Is it possible your mother is hard on you BECAUSE you are more responsible? Maybe she expects more because she knows you are more.

[twinkerbell]

I totally relate to the 'not the favorite child' bit. I'm sorry you're in that situation. But good on you for telling your aunt off.

My brother's 7 yrs older than me and is perfect. Successful lawyer, married, kids... everything my parents wanted. Me? Not so much. My brother's become a religious homophobic asshole who won't even visit my parents if I'm going to be there nor will he let me meet my nieces. Family get togethers are out. My parents are less than thrilled that my partner's more than twice my age. Well, my mom is anyway. My dad just doesn't have a fuck to give about me and never has. And while mom's happy that I'm successful, nothing can ever compare to her brilliant son the lawyer. I'll see her sometimes if she's in the city shopping or on business, but it's maybe only once or twice a year. But then I've been pretty much on my own since I started working.

I'll 2nd HU1's advice. Sometimes you just have to walk away from a toxic situation. It's hard but you have to think of yourself first, especially since you've got a family of your own to worry about.

[mikey3000]

I've already disengaged from my sister, but my mother is a much harder situation. She is in the final stages of life now and no one has stepped forward to even help, never mind take her in. I try to show a decent amount of respect to her but it's never enough. 24/7/365 she wants people to do her bidding. When we take her out to dinner she never likes our choices and dear old mom NEVER attempts to pay. She is hoarding her $$ so I can spend all mine.

[justsimon]

I'm my dad's favorite. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

[BENDERBOY]

Thankfully i'm an only child and like ChickenGuy i've been spoiled rotten since birth.

Look after your mother while you still have her, but after she's gone i'd cut the strings with the rest of them.

[loveguys72]

I feel your pain, Mikey. Family can really be a pain sometimes. I can say pretty well I won't be seeing much of my sister once my mom is gone, and I can't say I'm particularly fussed about it.

[Swellegant]

Mikey, your aunt suxx. Kick her to the curb. Your mom will be a little harder, but it won't be much longer that you have to put up with her.

I've kind of been on both sides of the favorite child equation. I was not my mother's favorite, nor my father's... my sister was; she was also preferred by my stepmother and stepfather and pretty much everyone else in the family. However, she was not my Grandmother's favorite, I was. And what's funny to me is that she has this massive resentment against Grandmother for liking me better, criticizing her while acting like my shit doesn't stink (which actually isn't true, she just prefers to criticize people in private and not share her criticisms toward you with others), when everyone else liked her better; I think I deserved at least one for myself, but she doesn't see it.

Anyway, not being the favorite can be incredibly painful. Having your own family dislike you for no actual fault of your own but only because they just don't get you, that fucks with your head. It's natural that a parent would like one child more than another, one simply gets along better with some people and doesn't understand others; but to treat them differently, hold them to different standards, and criticize them unjustly... that's just cruel. I consider myself well rid of such "family."

I've pretty much cut off everyone who's treated me badly, including and especially my mother, and I'm much happier for it.

[refujiunderground]

well, there's my brother and me and were exact opposites so.... at times, my brother is the favorite and at times, i'm the favorite. however, i'm usually the one that catches the flack though. my brother fucks up too and he doesn't catch as much heat from my parents as i do even when he really fucks up. it's crazy how i just do one simple thing, don't do something and it's becomes a huge problem with my mom is ready to get on my case or my father fucking feels the need to act like a fucking prison guard. "go and eat your dinner", "go outside your room"... the fuck.

[bw92116]

There is almost always favoritism. Typically the oldest child is the "noble achiever" and gets the most respect. I'm the third-born, the last born, and my oldest sister is 13.5 years older than me. I long felt that she had a sort of elevated status above my other sister and especially above me. And blatant favoritism on the part of my Mom towards her. Somehow I seem to have overcome my resentment, at least partially. But I think it's very damaging. I'm actually the one that is rejecting all of them now, except for my Mom.

[willsboy84]

I love my mom to death--I really do, but part of me will ALWAYS harbor resentment towards her because of the blatant favoritism she continues to show my sister. And the thing is, EVERYBODY sees and acknowledges it but her, even my sister. One of the reasons I was so close to my late aunt, was because she was the one person I could really vent to about my frustrations over the situation.

[mikey3000]

I just have to learn patience and tolerance. My mother had a stroke a few years back and sometimes doesn't have a clue what she's doing. It still hurts, but I have to tolerate it.

As for my aunt, I think I've figured it out. She is a recent empty nester, both kids have ran from the coup and the hubby just split too. She has no one left to dominatel, so she thinks she can take over my family. That ain't gonna happen. I have squashed four of her advances in the last month and I will continue to do so till she gets the message loud and clear. I just hate being the asshole all the time.

Thanks for all the great advice guys!!