I was miserable last night. I was in bed alone, thinking about how alone I was. I've always been alone. :/ I've felt like this before, but today it really hurts.
I've been a kind person and I've tried to be the best I can be. I've spent most of my time this year working on myself psychically and mentally. Eating healthy, exercising for an hour everyday, fulfilling goals such as learning the piano (I take a class for it), going to dream concerts, traveling, and treating myself to gifts since this is the first time in my life that I have money to spend on myself.
I guess I set myself up to fail. I told myself that, once I came out, life would be perfect. But this isn't the ideal life that I saw for myself. Am I a part of any dating websites? No. Am I a part of my school's Gay-Straight Alliance? No. Do I openly talk about my orientation? Ughhh..no.
What's wrong with me? I don't want to be alone. But I guess I'm not as fully out as I thought I was either. It's like I'm subconsciously (or very consciously) keeping myself unhappy. How does one become officially gay and start dating? What if no one wants me? What if I don't want anyone and these feelings are just the last of my teenage hormones gasping for air? I constantly want to be alone, but I think I just tell myself that to skip being let down.
Thank you for reading. I couldn't put it on Tumblr because my friends would judge me...