I have to be clear about my frustration, so here it is..
The thing is..I've been treating life like an unpicky eater who went to cotsco and gobble all free samplers until there is nothing left to taste. Nothing excites me anymore. I've been high, I've been low, I've been poor, I've been rich but nothing can keep me sufficient permanently.
When Im getting older, not only Im thinking.."what can keep me exciting for that such long period of time!?" Plus the fact that our vitality decreasing, that just getting worst.
Maybe there was mishap in the past in how I treating life, but I dont want you guys to think too hard to diagnose me ^^
What Im looking for is the "elixir of life" that makes you content and peaceful for the rest of your life?
That's definitely not sex or is it? Is it euphoria?
The reason I want to castrate myself because I thought my idealist sex drive will be bothersome to live in old age.
Sometimes I think I should've try to get high when I already sufficient enough to provide myself, I dont care of addiction.
Why some people can go to nirvana, but not me? What's the purpose of getting clean unless to get you hired faster?
It's the circle of life, the super boring routine of growing and cultivating just to see your work destroyed/gone repeatedly, the emotional nag and disturb we relentlessly get from others, the sickness...tell me what's new in this world? Whether you're a homeless guy or Donald Trump, you're not immune to world's problems..
That's right, there are high aspects as well..when you're happy and winning, when you're lucky, when you're loved..but aren't those permanent?
To see same things happening all over again under the name "new challenge" is not very exciting to me...(FETCH! .... I refuse )and I dont know if I have willingness to live for such long period of time in this circle of suffering~ like Buddha said
Im..50/60 yo..what am I doing?
I want to go beyond this system, call me heretic, whatever..
you guys are sheeps!
or maybe Im the weird one ^^
So, no bitchy intention to older gentleman here, please dont take me wrong.