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Thread: Coming Out...?

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    Coming Out...?

    Hey everyone,

    I am needing some advice. I am 22 years old, and currently undecided on what exactly my sexuality is. I have known for the longest time that I am attracted to men (and women sometimes), but I've never been able to accept that I'm gay. I have been thinking of coming out to my family and friends (who think I am straight), but I don't know how to go about it exactly. This is just one thing that has been causing me tons of stress and guilt. I have this one male friend, he is 19 years old and straight, and I think he could potentially be one of the first people I want to tell. We are really good friends and we talk about a lot of things all the time (sex-related and personal). He has been one of my best friends for the last year, and I just think starting with him or one of my other friends would be the best decision. What do you guys think?

    And yes, I sort of do have a crush on him, but I would never try to do anything with him because his friendship means a lot to me.
    Last edited by Rocketeer; October 5th, 2012 at 07:23 PM.

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    Re: Coming Out...?

    Wait. You don't have to tell anyone anything. What you are is your business. You are undecided. Don't worry about it, relax, and have a good time. If you feel you need to tell your best friend, do so cautiously. Try expressing your confusion. He may surprise you by feeling the same way....or he may pull away. Be prepared for the worse.

    Good luck.

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    Re: Coming Out...?

    Hi Rocketeer,

    Well, you talk alot with your friend about many different items, including sex-related and personal topics. Towards my opinion, it is not more then normal to tell him that you are -also- attracted to men.

    I tend to think that you are right now standing at some sort of border: either tell him that you -also- like guys, but are still undecided about your own sexuality, and go on with telling each other all kind of private items. Or stop at this border, meaning that you start with hiding parts of your private life / private feelings (etc.).

    Do you have any idea about his opinions about gay people? Any idea if he is a homophobe/bigot? And what's the problem that you don't want to accept for yourself that you have -strong?- feelings for guys?

    Do you have experiences with girls? Do you have a girlfriend right now / in the past? Are you sure that anyone around you is still convinced that you are straight?

    Bottomline: tell him, because he is your best friend. Living as an open gay does not mean that you walk around with a cap with 'I am gay' on it. It just means you don't hide that you are interested in guys (in stead of girls), and maybe you like both. Even better when you like both. But again, normal to discuss this topic with your friend.

    Good luck & take care & feel free to react.
    I am Dutch, so please excuse me for my low level of English.

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    Re: Coming Out...?

    Recently my mother has told me that she will be happy with whoever I am with. She hinted that she knew I was gay and said its mothers intuition. Of course I helped her along and got caught a couple times talking to other guys. So I have been thinking a lot recently about coming out. But I don't want to open that can of worms in my instance. For one, I have a girlfriend of 2 years that I do love, but not 100% there yet because she is moving wayy to fast and she needs to change a few things about herself, why I am still cheating on her with guys. But also because my family is already in my life too much, they don't need to know anymore about me.

    I will tell you, I have thought about coming out that I am bi over the past 3 months then I have my entire life. I am feeling that it would be right that I did, but I just can't because I am a private person.

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    Re: Coming Out...?

    You don't have to say a damn thing. Coming out is so cliche. Do it the way I did.

    Bring a guy home on thanksgiving. If they ask say, "yes I'm gay/bi, pass the mash potatoes." Lol.

    As far as your buddy goes, he's straight and nine times out of ten, he doesn't want you. If you want to tell him you like men It's up to you. But in my opinion, I ask that you get over any romantic feelings of him. Friends only.
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    Re: Coming Out...?

    Have you been with enough men/women to know anything concrete or are you going by something else?

    If you want to tell your family you should do that. Sometimes telling family (if you trust them) is a gauge of how you'll feel about having made the, "I'm gay" or "I'm bi" statement. Start there and see how comfortable you are with just your family knowing. Does it feel, ok, weird, or just the same?

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    Re: Coming Out...?

    You could also talk to whichever parent you're closer to and feel more comfortable with in a one-on-one setting. You could tell that parent that you're questioning your sexuality and wonder if they're comfortable discussing that with you. That "sexuality" question all but says you think you might prefer men to women and gives the parent time to decide if they're up to it. Even if they say, "another time, son," at least you've put the notion into their head and they will begin anticipating you showing up with a guy.
    Again, whoever you're comfortable talking to, and if the answer is "nobody," well, engage a therapist or a group setting (if there's a gay coming out group in your city). I lived in San Francisco, where it was less an issue than there might be in other parts of the country.

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    Re: Coming Out...?

    My advice, Lose the guilt, you are not doing anything wrong, and you dont need to 'come out' to anyone. I mean your parents have not 'come out' to you and told you who they are having affairs with have they.

    Don't take on the gay (or any other) label, just be you, do not label yourself as this or that.

    If they ask if your friend is gay, say you don't know and suggest they ask him them self.

    If they ask if you are gay, ask them if they think it is any of their business asking who you sleep with. If they persist tell them to stop being so inquisitive and rather to get on with their own sex lives rather than pry into yours.

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    Re: Coming Out...?

    The first step is to accept yourself for who you are. Are you sure you are gay? Have you experimented with other guys?

    There is no rush to tell anyone, just take your time until you are comfortable with the thought of being gay.

    Is it necessary to tell your best friend? Will it end the friendship if you tell him you are gay? I told my best bud I was gay. He then told me he was bisexual. It took me four years to tell him.

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