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  1. #401
    Porn Star Chrizze's Avatar
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Last weekend,at midsummer festival,which also was a time,when my mother died last year,it was quite....drugs,and rock'n roll.It seems,that I have adopted a kind of "coulnd't care less" style of life.It could not to be sustained forever.And I know this.
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  2. #402
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop




    I don't know why,but this song sounds good right now.
    Last edited by Chrizze; June 28th, 2013 at 06:19 AM.
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  3. #403

    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    I like that band. Their music is very powerful.

    In what way does it feel good to you Chrizze?

    let me tell you the feelings it inspired in me when listening. Well I was thinking of the control freaks running/ruining this world. I also remember a documentary I saw several weeks ago. It was on the BBC TV, and was about this man in Australian who thinks he is Jesus Christ reborn and has followers--believe it or not! Somehow these total idiots have a charisma that attracts VERY gullible people.

    But what I noticed very much was that the followers the TV crew interviewed were EXTREMELY emotional, and on the verge of tears, and crying most of the time!!
    So it is like these control-freaks who start these cults seems to know how to sustain an emotional need in people as a means of controlling them.

    I am in no way against emotion. But the real healing way is to allow emotional honesty to flow. But these people were stuck in this unresolved emotional guagmire

    Just finished reading this amazing book called Decomposing the Shadow: Lessons from the Psilocybin Mushroom, by James W Jesso

    Last edited by ludolfo; June 30th, 2013 at 03:52 AM.

  4. #404
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Must be VERY gullible people,...but,there is so many kinds of us in this world...in that song,I feel,that there is two people,chorus,and this "and I control you",I feel that to resemble some sort of duality in me,...or I had completely misintepreted the song,which is more obvious.treznor's lyrics are always hard.
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  5. #405

    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    OK right. You mean as though there is a a part of you you feel dissociated from? One that is teasing you saying it controls you?

    I think the so-called 'schizophrenia' is something like that but more extreme, where people that have seriously abused them become dissociated voices telling them they are bad, and wanting to control their actions etc

  6. #406
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Yes,kind of,except,that I do not really "hear" any voices,..but like having a vague feeling,that I I have gave control over my life to some external thing,and that I am no supposed to,or necessary to do so.As far as we are talking about that song.
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  7. #407

    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    I see.
    I heard this girl once describe what it was like becoming 'schizophrenic'. She had left home to begin university, anfd felt very stressed, alone, and began to feel people around her were talking about her, and eventually these imagined voices began speaking in her head saying negative things about her.

  8. #408
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Do you think,that I am becoming schizophrenic? I am too old for that shit.I mean,literally,you are supposed to do that in early teens.
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  9. #409
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Chrizze, I don't know. But in your posts you show a detailed knowledge of the useful effects and unhelpful side effects in the medications you have taken. Are you taking any medications right now which could be changing brain chemistry in ways similar to what happens in schizophrenia? If so I suggest you just observe the symptoms and review with your doctor.

    I listened to the song. As a listener, it seems clear to me that Trent Reznor wants to convey what it is like to feel powerless, manipulated, unable to direct or escape the routines of life. I think Reznor also uses musical techniques to help cause the listener to feel the mood of helplessness. When he changes his voice to sing half the lyrics, it gives the impression of two people debating or struggling for control, one helpless, and one dominant. But the lyrics are all in the first person, suggesting it should only be one person's thoughts, which we would expect to be coherent. This has the effect of introducing tension and ambiguity, and self-doubt, and even the idea that one's own identity may not be clear. I think these are the feelings he wants to explore artistically in this song.

    There is a very long tradition of exploring themes like this in the arts. I don't know if any artist has ever provided a direct answer for how to overcome those feelings, and if I approached that song with an analytic mindset looking for a solution, it would be both compelling and frustrating.

    There is also a very long human tradition of struggling with the same themes represented by artists in works like this. What is interesting to the artist is often interesting to the audience. But that does not mean either will be able to find a solution to the issues he raises.

    If the song initiates feelings of confusion or duality when you listen to it, perhaps it is not because of schizophrenic characteristics emerging in your mind, but simply because these are the artistic themes he explores in the song. I felt some of the same responses you describe, and the responses I have explained here, but I am confident it does not represent a change in my mental health that could be explained by schizophrenia.
    Last edited by bankside; July 4th, 2013 at 05:49 AM.
    Two journalists killed during live broadcasts by madman smothering them with pillows. Because remember, guns don't kill people....

  10. #410
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Bankside: - very good analysis about the song,..and thanks for reminding me about those things with medications.

    To whom it may concern: - sometime in next weeks I have to change my landline internet connection to cheaper,and in someways more limited wireless prepaid connection.there could be about a months interruption in my ability to get back to the net.Don't worry,nothing bad has not happened,this is purely financial thing.

    I'll be back.
    Last edited by Chrizze; July 18th, 2013 at 01:17 PM.
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  11. #411
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    I don't know how long I can hold together this thing called my life,I cannot see,how to change it,and definitely I can't see to go on like this. It would be easy to make last drink.laced with potassium cyanide,which I am in possession of.These are my feelings now.
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  12. #412
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Chrizze, you have been checking in with us frequently over the last year. Even very recently you have shown us you felt optimism. That feeling will not last every day. But the frustration will not last either. You don't have to fix everything and keep everything together. Do you have a crisis contact to support you while this negative feeling lingers?
    Two journalists killed during live broadcasts by madman smothering them with pillows. Because remember, guns don't kill people....

  13. #413
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Well,yes,but they can help you only so much.offering pills,which,by the way,had made me addicted to them.
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  14. #414

    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Hey Chrizze, how are you feeling today man?

  15. #415

    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    I saw this video recently which I think is very good!


  16. #416
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Quote Originally Posted by Chrizze View Post
    I don't know how long I can hold together this thing called my life,I cannot see,how to change it,and definitely I can't see to go on like this. It would be easy to make last drink.laced with potassium cyanide,which I am in possession of.These are my feelings now.
    Well,how would you think it would feel?
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  17. #417
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Chrizze it feels like you're putting pressure on yourself to feel well by now. Intellectually you know you have a chronic illness with good times and bad, and with flare-ups and periods of remission. I know you're in a difficult time now, but don't feel pressure to turn off the negative emotions like a switch.

    Can you do something just emotionally neutral? Go for a walk or watch the clouds for a bit?
    Two journalists killed during live broadcasts by madman smothering them with pillows. Because remember, guns don't kill people....

  18. #418
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Do you have a passion, something that it overrides any other feelings? Maybe a good mix of passion and neutral activities (like bankside mentioned) will keep your mind off things.

    And another idea, do you meditate or have you ever tried it?

  19. #419
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Quote Originally Posted by mightbe View Post
    Do you have a passion, something that it overrides any other feelings? Maybe a good mix of passion and neutral activities (like bankside mentioned) will keep your mind off things.

    And another idea, do you meditate or have you ever tried it?
    Or combine the two -- for example:

    I plant trees for conservation work. I do it methodically, and it functions very like meditation, especially once the little tree is in the ground and I sit and contemplate its place in the world, and imagine it becoming a strong and vigorous parent of many other trees, giving shelter to birds and other wildlife, and providing shade for wildflowers.

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

  20. #420
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    No,I don't think that I have any passion like that,and what Bankside mentioned,would work very short time,at the the time.I don't think I am putting pressure to myself to feel or be anything,this comes "outside".so to speak.
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  21. #421
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Quote Originally Posted by ludolfo View Post
    I saw this video recently which I think is very good!

    Quote Originally Posted by Chrizze View Post
    No,I don't think that I have any passion like that,and what Bankside mentioned,would work very short time,at the the time.I don't think I am putting pressure to myself to feel or be anything,this comes "outside".so to speak.
    I didn't see you comment on the above video. There are some things I would have said about it when I was suicidal -- what do you have?

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Quote Originally Posted by Chrizze View Post
    No,I don't think that I have any passion like that,and what Bankside mentioned,would work very short time,at the the time.I don't think I am putting pressure to myself to feel or be anything,this comes "outside".so to speak.
    As I understand it, you feel that it's an external pressure. Is that correct? Is it that you think somebody's pressuring you?

    You say you don't think you have a passion. I don't think that means you should stop looking. What puts you at peace and gives satisfaction? Reflect; what do you enjoy? What moves or interests you?

    Some people like films or literature because they break from reality (or their adherence to it), others prefer puzzles because they like to solve things. Some people look at art because they enjoy reflection, others turn to music. You can enjoy anything for any reason. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

    You've also mentioned (on a few occasions) that you find certain songs powerful or moving. Can you play music?

  23. #423
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Pressuse is,of course,literally does not come from outside,it just feels so.Mightbe,you had good ideas,I appreciate.Kulindahr,I am very bad to watch videos here,I want people to say things themselves,instead of "shining with borrowed light".
    Last edited by Chrizze; July 27th, 2013 at 07:00 AM.
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  24. #424

    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    yet you share videos chrizze. do you expect people not to watch them?

  25. #425
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Very good point,I try to remember that,thanks,Ludolfo.
    Last edited by Chrizze; July 28th, 2013 at 06:41 AM.
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  26. #426
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Good morning Chrizze (afternoon for you I think).

    As Kulindahr suggested, some activities can give balance, contentment, a spark of occasional joy. If tree planting will never be a great passion for you, it is still worth discovering what else people do that can enrich life. So far, I don't know if it is a passion, but you certainly seem to enjoy music.

    I suggest asking people about their activities and also asking what they get out of it. In some cases our activities can bring joy and satisfaction. Other times it is more like brushing your teeth you know? Not so much for the joy of brushing but because it ensures the teeth will be healthier. I think having some activities and interests can similarly ensure benefits for mental health even if they don't seem immediately interesting.
    Two journalists killed during live broadcasts by madman smothering them with pillows. Because remember, guns don't kill people....

  27. #427
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Yes,I think you are quite right about that.About them ensuring mental health.
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  28. #428
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    When someone shares a video in a serious thread, I always assume it;s a case of "here's is what I want to say, but this says it 'way better than I ever could".

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

    --Jonathan Rauch, Salon Magazine, March 13, 2000

    *the number is now forty

  29. #429
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    You are quite right,please accept my apologies,and I watched it now.Where that excerpt was taken from? Can you suggest something longer,that will discuss about this subject at hand.
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  30. #430
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    JohannBessler,have you left the building? I always appreciated your comments too.
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  31. #431

    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Quote Originally Posted by Chrizze View Post
    You are quite right,please accept my apologies,and I watched it now.Where that excerpt was taken from? Can you suggest something longer,that will discuss about this subject at hand.
    what can hurt in relationships, even ones formed on chat sites such as this, is that a person can presume there has happened a kind of meeting of trust with the other person, especially when the subject is as personal as this. But your having to be told to checkout the video I shared has kinda hurt me a bit, because I had assumed that you respected my sharing stuff with you.

  32. #432
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    I am sorry,my apologies.It was never my intention to show disrespect by disregarding
    some of your videos.I hope,that you still....."respect" me.
    Last edited by Chrizze; July 30th, 2013 at 03:12 AM.
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  33. #433

    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Of course I do, and always will .

    I just feel it was good to be open how I feel.

    I am glad you came around to watching it. As far as I know Chrizze. regarding your previous question, I am not aware of a longer version of it--but will double check. But what he says is SO true isn't it? Many people are fearful of talking about killing themselves for fear of having theirrself 'supervised for their own good'. You become like an object. The LAST thing you want--at ANY time, especially when feeling so vulnerable.

  34. #434
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    My life would perhaps get better,It is possible,that I could enter opiate replacement therapy.
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  35. #435

    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    That is just swapping one drug for another, IMO. I did voluntary work in a Needle Exchange some years ago, and met many users, and many told me that trying to come off methadone was even harder than heroin! They also stressed how the detox people treated them like shit.

    You know Chrizze, there is something that could really help you. Have you heard of Iboga?

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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Ibogaine's a really good idea. It's an extract of a bush from somewhere in Africa, and it's used in treating opiate addictions. It doesn't take very long if I remember correctly, and usually with good results.

    I know it's not legal everywhere, but I just checked and it is legal in Finland.

    If you want to read some more basic info about it Google translate the English version of the page, as the Finnish one doesn't tell you much. That's just based on an assumption that you'd better understand the scientific parts in Finnish (which is also an assumption; you do speak Finnish, right?).

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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Well,I know that,Ludolfo...but which one is better,to use my last pennies to drugs,or to get them free from government controlled program? Btw,we use Buprenorphine (which Iam intoxicated of right now),and methadone.Mightbe,so is cannabis legal,for decoration purposes,but try to explain that to rushing-in narc agents.If I don't know about Iboga,then The Pope is not catholics. . Whwre you got the idea,that it is legal in finland?Remember,we as continental europe in general,are having Roman law system,not common law,in finland this means,that anything,that is not expressly permitted,is denied.
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    I looked up its legal status, and every place told the same story. "Ibogaine and its constituents aren't controlled substances in Finland." Some said "unregulated" instead. Either way, it means the same thing.

    I did know that Finland uses civil law, like the rest of Europe, but some countries specifically allow it and others specifically do not. Finland, as I understand it, does neither. While it's generally true that in civil law that exceptions prove rules, it certainly wouldn't be inherently wrong for you to ask, just in case. As I understand it, Finnish law leaves a bit more room for interpretation than say, German law.

    And any form of possession of cannabis is explicitly outlawed in Finland, so I don't know where you were going with that.

  39. #439

    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Well,I know that,Ludolfo...but which one is better,to use my last pennies to drugs,or to get them free from government controlled program? Btw,we use Buprenorphine (which Iam intoxicated of right now),and methadone.Mightbe,so is cannabis legal,for decoration purposes,but try to explain that to rushing-in narc agents.If I don't know about Iboga,then The Pope is not catholics. . Whwre you got the idea,that it is legal in finland?Remember,we as continental europe in general,are having Roman law system,not common law,in finland this means,that anything,that is not expressly permitted,is denied.
    I would say the choice you ask me about is not a good choice, and I would from my heart encourage you to save your pennies so you can have Iboga sacred healing ritual---or they may call it psychotherapy--because it was very powerful and will release you from this opiate habit, but from there you must also integrate this into daily life which might mean staying away from people and places etc who and which would incite you to take opiates again.

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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Mightbe,I think,that you are right,it is "legal",probably because of lawmakers gross negligence. law's interpretation depends about your face,as it is everywhere,I guess.Ibogaine ritual is not a silver bullet,but it has some proven history of success.
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Oh,where you will go with cannabis,arrested,and your home searched,without court order,even if you spent last evening in your friends house,where someone smoke occasional joint,and that smell is in your clothes,when couple of officers pass you by with K-9.for example,on rock concert,or something.
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  42. #442

    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Yesterday I was watching a quiz show on TV, and the questions was 'name these countries named how they are by the native population'. One of them was Suomi. And I thought it sounded very exotic--like near Hawaii . Reminded me/got the image of Bali Hi (you know that song in the musical South Pacific?) And then found out it was 'Finland'....It made me confused. HOW can that word get translated to English as Finland ? lol

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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Quote Originally Posted by ludolfo View Post
    Yesterday I was watching a quiz show on TV, and the questions was 'name these countries named how they are by the native population'. One of them was Suomi. And I thought it sounded very exotic--like near Hawaii . Reminded me/got the image of Bali Hi (you know that song in the musical South Pacific?) And then found out it was 'Finland'....It made me confused. HOW can that word get translated to English as Finland ? lol
    No translation involved: foreigners called it Finland, in their language. IIRC, it was the Vikings who called it that -- sort of like how European immigrants renamed everything when they came to North America, regardless of what the natives called them.

    "Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

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    *the number is now forty

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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    - They DO still have a little debate about both names,lest their translation to each other ..or to anything. ...there is many good ones,in any language, I believe,take for an example of "Nauru", which means "laughter" in Finnish... "Maine" - "reputation.... Especially small placenames in India quite surely means something in Finnish.This would constitute a good humour thread somewhere else in here.feel free to introduce one.
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    I had read a book about this,..components,and phonemes,that once constitued "Finland",has been traced back to pan-indoeuropean protolanguage,... And the word is Pes-No. From which the word penis cames from,...so...if anyone lived here back then,our invaders called us a "men with huge cocks".how much more macho you can get?
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    I guess the question to ask before I start packing my bags--is it true? Haha

    Isn't Suomi (or something like it) also what you call the language?

    Gotta say, Finland is kind of strange from an American perspective. The language is from the same family tree as Hungarian (Uralic family), and sits in its within a diverse subcategory. The trains run on Russian gauge (well, there's a good reason for that) and there are only a handful of Finns that Americans know about. And then Nokia.

    I can honestly say that I know very little about Finland. But if it's true that it's the land of huge cocks, that's a good start. Haha

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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Yes,. "Suomen kieli" - "Languaguage of Finland". In single,...well,in Finnish language,it is usually not necessary to explicitly tell who is doing what to whom...it is understood implicitly. So depending on The context,"Suomi" could mean name of the language,state,nation,area of land,where we have been most of the time,etc...
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    Oh,you are particularly well-educated,..not take nokia as Japanese hungary and finnish has parted at least 3000yrs.ago...but estonian,and finnish,are like spanish and portuguese.
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    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    I like hearing it spoken.
    Two journalists killed during live broadcasts by madman smothering them with pillows. Because remember, guns don't kill people....

  50. #450

    Re: Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

    This is VERY moving and powerful


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