Suicide attempt,that almost succeeded.But I only wanted pain to stop

[Chrizze]

Well,it has been a lot of time,since I had last posted,but now I will.Long story short,ask anything,that you want to ask,then,perhaps we don't need to write 1000 or so long posts..

1.3years ago,it was pretty sure,by doctors,that my mother would have renal insufficiency disease,which can be controlled through peritoneal dialysis,perhaps ten years.
2.Dialysis treatments started in last summer,And I was her "personal caregiver".but good time lasted only a half year,she was hospitalized on 30.1.2012...,she passed away 24.6.2012 Funerals were on 14.7.2012.(funny,same priest,that baptized me 36yrs ago.my mother was 56.
In 31.7 I attempted suicide in highly lethal way.(220V Current diametrically through heart).

Here I am.Duty is done.War is over."you have time to your own life now" what is that? Never had one...barely know the meaning of the word.

Thoughts? Your 2c's? No Rants.

[sixthson]

Chrizze, I hope you don't feel the need to try that again. I know you are hurting and grieving now, not to mention recovering from your suicide attempt, but life can be worth living. I know that probably sounds trite right about now, but hang in there. Maybe you should post here more often and see what others have to share with you. Good luck, buddy.

[Chrizze]

Unfortunately I feel that thing in my mind constantly, method woul be different,and,thought in pain it is not literally matter of tomorrow..certain thing is to be done,etc...attempt did not leave anything,that can be seen..didn't bother the ER even.Because I knew,I will be dead,or ok.I will give shrinks,and big pharma pimps last chance too.Reality is,that illicits are what work,for a monent.

[mitchymo]

I'm glad your first attempt didn't succeed. Mine didn't 17yrs ago and i'm glad of it. Life does get better like Sixthson said, or at least changes. Don't go looking for that 2nd attempt and don't act on it if an opportunity comes around. Its worth hanging in there, whatever the issues are.
You've always got plenty of people here to hang out with (no pun intended).

[Chrizze]

I was not...I was depressed whole day after that. A last line of self- preservance was overruled..now what? Those were the feelings of that day.Second attempt is already looked for... All it needs,is initiate. Just for the case.

[mitchymo]

Why? Life cannot be so bleak or pointless to you surely? Is it your loss that drives these thoughts?
Is it something else?

[swerve]

You ask "now what?"...

Why not spend time in trying to help others through difficult situations -- obviously, you have been there and have way more insight than those of us who haven't...

Just an idea...

I'm glad you're still around...

[Chrizze]

Well,it seems so,particularily for me,. This thing was my "job".. I am on disability pension otherwise.money is not the problem.but,that no-one needs me anymore,and please,spare me from platitudes in this one.I have been doing voluntary work since 2004.that is not continuing eternity either.Point is: been there,done that,and t-shirts doesn't fit to my house.

[Sultan]

So what are you hoping to gain from this thread? Is it a cry for help or something?

I'm sure your mother wouldn't be happy with your decisions. It sucks losing a parent but suicide is not the way to go. Do you really wanna end up like the hundreds of others who gave up and took the coward's way out? Especially now with all the anti suicide awareness, why would you think this is an acceptable option?

You only get one shot at life. If you wanna throw it away, that's your decision but if it was me personally, if I had a friend who did that, I would probably lose some respect for them. Life doesn't get better unless you make an attempt to make it better.

[Chrizze]

Very good,and justfiable questions...not exactly cry for help,no,I don't think so.It is,that,I Want to have heard experiences,or something,that could let me see light.what I never had quite had get grasp of,is calling it "cowardly".many people I see in the bench in the park sipping their beer,some of them having done that 25yrs. That's Cowardly.You may say"what about pain of your loved ones"? good."what about my pain? Have you invented measure,for which of us have more serious one".

[bankside]

Sure. My question is, what changed since 5.5 years ago?

No,but couple of years before i came out,i had severe periods of depression,and suicidal thoughts too.After coming out,things were starting slowly to change,and i believe that i don't need to go through that kind of thing again.

Those years helped me to understand,what this old phrase really means:
"Peace is not the absence of conflict,but the absence of inner conflict"

So true.

The inner conflict returned? A conflict means more than just negativity, as well as negativity.

[Sultan]

Very good,and justfiable questions...not exactly cry for help,no,I don't think so.It is,that,I Want to have heard experiences,or something,that could let me see light.

So then yes, it is a cry for help.

what I never had quite had get grasp of,is calling it "cowardly".many people I see in the bench in the park sipping their beer,some of them having done that 25yrs. That's Cowardly.You may say"what about pain of your loved ones"? good."what about my pain? Have you invented measure,for which of us have more serious one".

The initial act is not cowardly because there is no turning back after it's done but if you look at the big picture, it's very cowardly and foolish. It's sort of like if someone murdered someone with a gun and robbed them. The act takes some balls but they are still a coward.

A homeless bum isn't a coward. That is the lifestyle they choose to live. That isn't the same thing as suicide by any means. As far as "what about my pain?"... what about it? Plenty of people go though hard times. It's extremely painful to lose a loved one but you can either accept it, learn from it, keep your mother's memories alive or you can let it consume you and choose to give up. It's up to you.

[Telstra]

quote:
"you have time to your own life now" what is that? Never had one...barely know the meaning of the word.


If you never had one, try things called life that you haven't tried before. It should be fun.

[CTF]

m'kay.

Some of us are born poor, ugly, fat, from abusive households/families, and to add insult to injury reliant upon others for our basic daily needs.

But that's really just the physical.

There are just as many people who are crippled by the same emotional abuse, or lack of self worth, or personal/emotional neglect.

Where does, or did the idea ever enter their lives that things could somehow be better?

What was the tonic?

What was the solution?

Was it God?

Was it Religion?

Was it some attachment that things would always be as bad?

I can promise you, from my own personal experience, that no one, or one thing is ever going to come along to make everything "better."

And if it did, why would anyone want to buy into it?

What if that person, perception, or views turned out to have flaws, or worse you just couldn't get it anymore?

Then what is a person left with?

If you cannot find joy in even the simplest of things; how your toes feel after you've taken off your socks and to feel the cool breeze between your toes, the freedom of laying on the floor and realizing how much you appreciate those appliances and applications that held you together while you were mobilized; a chair, a suit, a title, or positioin, and the joy of realizing that only you could decided once you wanted to be "strapped back in."

The simple and magnificent realization that ONLY YOU see the world like you do!

In my experience, we're all wrapped up in our day to day lives to even really bother to pay attention to what may be happening in someone elses lives.

It's all about attitude!

One could be the biggest douchebag, future mass murderer of the world, and with the right attitude the world would rally behind you because of your attitude.

Or because of your ability to SHARE your own perspective with others.





Over the years I've found myself paying attention to garbage.

Not the heaping truck fulls that end up in the landfills everyday, but the discarded "blow aways" that fill empty parking lots, and road side ditches.

What was so "special" about that piece of garbage that it didn't make it's way to the landfill?

Because the people who let that trash go didn't think of themselves, or where they were letting it go as a place that mattered.

How many people end their lives everyday thinking nothing more of themselves as nothing more than used up packaging?

How sad is that?

How pathetic is that?

What's the point of living if that's all that any of us really are in the great scheme of things?

Whether we realize it or not we inspire people by how we live our lives, much more so than by living our lives by how they expect us too.

But if you're waiting for their approval, they don't give a shit, and will care even less so....

Just thought I might share that perspective with you.

And it's not that I don't care, if I didn't this stranger wouldn't have posted.

[Chrizze]

Sure. My question is, what changed since 5.5 years ago?
The inner conflict returned? A conflict means more than just negativity, as well as negativity.

I Came Out to the Closit.Obviously.

[Chrizze]

So then yes, it is a cry for help.

Just out of Curiosity.What would'nt?

It's extremely painful to lose a loved one but you can either accept it, learn from it, keep your mother's memories alive or you can let it consume you and choose to give up. It's up to you.

Thank you,at least let me decide. some here wouldn't

[Chrizze]

quote:
"you have time to your own life now" what is that? Never had one...barely know the meaning of the word.

If you never had one, try things called life that you haven't tried before. It should be fun.

At This point,perhaps too..much now,but later,if I survive this,something like that comes along surely.

[Chrizze]

Sure. My question is, what changed since 5.5 years ago?
The inner conflict returned? A conflict means more than just negativity, as well as negativity.

And conflict is,..more "outer" this time too, since something in "outerworld" has happened.

[Telstra]

At This point,perhaps too..much now,but later,if I survive this,something like that comes along surely.

centexfarmer's post is a really good one.
Please read it carefully

[Chrizze]

centexfarmer's post is a really good one.
Please read it carefully

I did,..Problem is,in our nation you could not find this "you did it" positivism. Which is very good.I have Three american friends here.
Or then I completely misunderstood his message.If so,He could clarify a little bit for me.

[Benvolio]

I strongly urge you to seek professional counseling, if you are not now doing so, and, yes, tell him of you plans. Perhaps there is a physical/medical cause of your depression.
You seem to miss being a caregiver. No doubt there are people interested in hiring a caregiver.

[Chrizze]

I strongly urge you to seek professional counseling, if you are not now doing so, and, yes, tell him of you plans. Perhaps there is a physical/medical cause of your depression.
You seem to miss being a caregiver. No doubt there are people interested in hiring a caregiver.

I have to been diagnosed with borderline,adhd..and sorts of things in early chilhood.during this 20 or so years,all SSRI,SNRI,NDRI,or what there is.done.dont work.doctor contacted,plan has been told.No,I can never be caregiver,except for my mother only.You do it out of love,because your payment about it is about $250/month - Tax.

[BlondeCanadian]

We are not going to be able to change your mind. You are going to decide to live or you are going to decide to die, whether it be suicide or maintaining your negative outlook on live and being miserable. We are not going to be able to help your actual problems or issues unless you stop being obtuse about them. Like other people in her have said it is as simple as recognising the little things that make you happy doing the little things that make you happy and trying to focus on the good that you can do, not dwelling on the negatives. You never know what life holds and shutting yourself down or committing suicide will hurt you and anyone who cares for you. You may not believe this now but it is actually amazing the good that can come from just focusing on the little things and trying to put more good into the world. If you ask for help you will sometimes be surprised at what you can find.
This may all seem optimistic and stupid but I spend many nights with a knife praying for the strength to go through with it and I am glad I didn't. My issues have not gone away, I have just changed my outlook

[bankside]

I did,..Problem is,in our nation you could not find this "you did it" positivism. Which is very good.I have Three american friends here.
Or then I completely misunderstood his message.If so,He could clarify a little bit for me.

When it is a serious matter, maybe the nation doesn't matter so much. Positivism can come from anywhere.

My next question, you think maybe another moment of decision will come, or maybe not. What things would happen in your life to make the decision easy to stay and live?

[Chrizze]

I can't see anything,which would.After The first attemp,I only felt,that I died already.Only this body is still moving.

[bankside]

Well, let us see. Maybe there is only so much to say about mortality. What could we be talking about instead?

[ludolfo]

I can't see anything,which would.After The first attemp,I only felt,that I died already.Only this body is still moving.

Chrisse, my heart goes out to you man. From many if not all comments here they typically have a blame-tone. I think they mean well but I think one of the big reasons especially males don't like to share deep feelings with other males (of course I am maybe talking more this in the straight world, though I am gay) is because of the outright said or implied 'oh get over it' type of thing, instead of empathy with SUCH deep hurt--so complex and uncomfortable, and unexplainable. Instead of just listening and showing respect for how the person really feels and his courage to share it. I am sorry others but this is how I feel.

I KNOW the utter unspeakable dread I feel if anything happens to my mum. being an only chold she is it---she is the only person who really knows me, and NOone is as close to you as your mum. In last decade, I have suffered the possibility of losing her because of hospital intervention etc, and you just can't describe the utter dread and the unthinkable aftermath should she have died. So I humbly try and offer some words for you knowing the dread I feel about this and that I don't know what your going through. And even if I had lost my mum, that pain would be unique for me as yours is for you.

I do NOT think it is cowardly to kill yourself at all. I have thought about it like I am sure many people have, and like you so rightly pointed out, some people choose to live a kind of suicide. What really suicide is is a need to end pain, and what people on drug habits do is try and numb emotions, pain. But ya know what---they can do this for 20, 30 years etc but if and when they come OFF these crutches the pain is still there all dammed up.

You say you feel dead and just your body is going through motions. My heart goes out to you, and I know you need love and care and not criticism. In more intelligent cultures people with such hurt got support from all the community and deep spiritual help. All that is on offer in this fucked up culture is a trip to the doctor and him giving you toxic psychs which again just numb the pain!! I see you have had THAT crap since being a child. I wont go into the myth of mental illness now but just to say that all of that is superficial and doesn't recognize the soul!! I am glad you are here and talking this this community about it. And I hope you will continue to and express how you feel here, because that is a big help to healing --expressing your emotions
Listen to this where the guy says that suicide is not really the desire to end LIFE, but what is hurting:

[Chrizze]

Ludolfo,I highly appreciate your words,and thoughts...Perhaps you are the first one on this thread,Who knows what I mean,..Btw I have not been on drugs since childhood,because at that time law in our country did not allow psych.meds to children.at any reason.But I have had first diagnosed those disorders at 10yo.or sort of age.Perhaps you can say about my worldview about this: "I appreciate life too much to continue it on at any price"

[ludolfo]

oh shit--I just typed a reply to you, went into a daydream just at the end and must have clicked the wrong button.
I am too fukin wound up to do another right now, but watch this space

[Chrizze]

You ask "now what?"...

Why not spend time in trying to help others through difficult situations -- obviously, you have been there and have way more insight than those of us who haven't...

Just an idea...

I'm glad you're still around...

Not a bad idea,..But first: -physis,therapeuton seauton.(Healer,heal thyself).

[ludolfo]

Hey Chrizzie,

Like I said I had composed a post for you yesterday, and when I clicked it thinking it would post it disappeared. i HATE it when that happens. But this time I will make sure to copy content just in case!

How are you feeling right now?

How do you feel about being labeled with this and that when you were a child?

[Chrizze]

I don't know really,..when I was children,especially I did not knew then...It was not even possible to read your on medical records at that time..no-one had..after long law battles it became possible some 15 years ago..I have mine ordered...2" Thick pack of papers...and that's just from psychiatry specialty records.I really not think that I have been so much "labeled".

[ludolfo]

how do you feel today then?

[Chrizze]

Sad,without purpose,or direction,.. just bleak existence. These things do not change much daily,or at least have not yet been.

And remember,I live about in level of Anchorage.Climate is not exactly cheering you up either.

[bankside]

I enjoy a fire in the winter and often I would say I need it to break the dark and the cold.

[ludolfo]

Sad,without purpose,or direction,.. just bleak existence. These things do not change much daily,or at least have not yet been.

And remember,I live about in level of Anchorage.Climate is not exactly cheering you up either.

OMG tell me about it. I live in northwest UK and this summer has been SO fukin awful. Rain nearly everyday. grey clouds. everything dripping and sodden with water. cold. I got a cold, chest infection that took ages to shake off (i tried not go and get antibiotics), and I also have felt So down. I have been looking at people, kids and feeling this deep connected empathy because I FEEL for them. I am thinking SHIT what they must feel like too. I am guessing you have had the same there? We had a sunny March which was freaky, and that was it. With 'the cuts' it is hard to afford to put on heating, so much of time I just put this big woolly blanket round me

So I know bleak alright lol Oh yeah and growing food has suffered and prices will continue to rise, and heating

just trying to cheer you up

[Chrizze]

And I live in the coastal area,where in winter time -5C and seawind makes it feel like -25 ...and past winter there was two months - 25 -30C straight...and occasional wind. Sun rises in about 10:00,and sets in 15:00.

[ludolfo]

so you have little light. I see. and cold. and this makes you feel even more down? That is understandable. Birds can migrate but many of us humans are having to stick in one place!!

[Chrizze]

Dark is allright,I like it,but not cold.You see,in these latitudes day lasts a year.In winter,practically no light,and in summer,you have to check from wristwatch,whether is it "night",or day.

[ludolfo]

I like darkness too. I find it soothing, and cozy, and mysterious And like you I am not too crazy on cold. is where you live isolated also? I mean do you have gay friends, or places to go to near you?

[Chrizze]

Yes,..that's not a problem... These problems are not "gay-related",so to speak.

[ludolfo]

what then would you say it is most related to then?

[Chrizze]

Seeing no meaningful future -kind of things... At least that's what I feel now.

[loveguys72]

I'm so sorry for your loss. All I can say is, don't do anything right now. Suicide is a valid option, but it's one that needs to be made with a clear, rational frame of mind. Right now, your emotions are too close to the surface.

You did a good thing looking after your mom, and it cost you a lot. I know. I'm doing the same thing. I ask only that you keep talking, to your friends, family, doctor, minister, anyone you feel comfortable with. Give yourself time and a chance to see the other side of this moment.

Besides, you have a bunny in your signature. That means you know how to see humor in life. You will again. I'm sure of it.

[ludolfo]

Seeing no meaningful future -kind of things... At least that's what I feel now.

I notice that you don't seem to want to express much with typed words?

[Chrizze]

Well,your question was short also. ...And it was The question I am trying to find answers to right now too.Feelings about this are quite hard to put into words..I am not sure,If I feel at all.Perhaps I should hurt myself today,see if I do.You know the song?



To The loveguys72: -emotions about these things will be on the surface for a long time..And of course,it can be discussed,if suicide is ever rational..But it is an option.A very few people can acknowledge even that much.

[ludolfo]

Deeply moving song and video. Shivers just shot through me experiencing that, especially knowing that you are sharing it to communicate your own feelings that are hard to put into static oneatatimetypedwords.
To feel so dead that you hurt yourself--your body. To focus the pain to A spot, because the complicated pain is all over in and out. overwhelming you.

[Chrizze]

That's right,exactly,pain in in nowhere,and everywhere.About philosophical side...this song have good lyrics too..

[ludolfo]

lol, thats a very funny wild film, and that song has caused lots of controversy. I remember working with this lad who was about 19, and he hated it. I sensed it disturbed him. I find myself singing it sometimes and it empowers me. Gives me a sense of power lol

[Chrizze]

Well,at that time just anything caused controversy.. Perhaps that empowering effect is due to the discrepancy between the music style,and message..But this song does not make me to think slicing my wrists either.. But the "message" is still something,that..I would say,is not what I feel particularly now,..but rather,a view I have had about the life a long time."game of life is hard to play,I'm going to lose it anyway"..etc