So I've been reading this forum. I want to keep this short because who wants to read some obnoxiously long thing, but then I also feel the desire to keep at bay any assumptions. Tough life, huh? Anyhow. (PS NOTE UP TOP: It ended up long, oh noes!)
I guess I'll say that I feel as if I'm one of the most indecisive/unsure people alive. This is hardly contained to the "sexuality" issue alone: I don't know what dinner I'll prefer, if I'm even hungry, if I should take a shower, my opinion about many things--that pertain to myself. For, I am definitely opinionated when it comes to morality, the arts, other people's situations (e.g. advice), but when it comes to myself, I'm am always struck by this. I hardly think I'm the only one going through this or whatever.
I'm 20. In college. I've never been in a real relationship, unless you want to count elementary school (hint: it doesn't count). I've never ever kissed someone, unless you want to count a dare in 8th grade (hint: it doesn't count). This didn't really bother me throughout high school, but lately it has started to bother me. (As does being concerned with my appearance, which is weird. It feels like biology has told me to be a 15yo all the sudden since I skipped over that. I'm more angsty and assholeish than I've ever been.
Fuck, where is this post going? So, yeah, I'm confused. I don't know what I'd label myself (labels aren't necessary! They're chains!). I think often about having a girlfriend, lying down with them and talking, making out, just being with them and loving them (emotionally). But I can't say I think about them sexually *too* much. I do think some girls are hot (or at least cute). But am I just appreciating beauty? Maybe. I would like to try sexual stuff with a girl and a relationship.
When I jerk off, it's mostly to guy stuff. (Though I could jerk off simply by the motion of doing it, is that weird?). But it's nothing hardcore. It'll be a picture of a shirtless guy and that can be enough. The thought of anal doesn't really work for me, but then again I don't think I'd do that with a girl. I would try sucking dick (and getting mine sucked). But I don't really watch hardcore gay porn, the most is maybe jacking off solo, but I don't really find those attractive. I'm not sure I find penises all that attractive (oh, that's a big one...), but I'm not sure I find boobs all that attractive either. Asexuality. Well, I'm just not one to fetishize certain body parts, which makes me feel odd. Just seeing a penis or vagina does nothing for me, I don't know.
What the fuck am I even saying here? This is too long, and I'm obnoxious. I'm sorry. I would say I'm almost always ill at ease, feel often envious of guys (can't think of time it's been a girl) who seem to feel *at ease* (which is perpetuated through a number of coexisting superior qualities to myself), and that I also feel this flicker, this shiver, of not hate but supreme annoyance at myself when I feel this envy--and when I feel a sort of attraction to the guy. When the two go hand in hand, ugh.
The fact that I can worry about this issues showcases how fortunate I am. These aren't life or death things. It's trivial. It's not important. I'm self-absorbed. But I might as well indulge since I'm a shithead anyhow.
I'm happy to answer questions. Thanks for reading.