Hey guys, Iíve never posted before but Iíve never had anything that I needed to about. Iíve got a bit of a problem and I have no idea what to do about it.
My nameís Steve and Iím 21. Iím Bi but not out (and wonít be for the foreseeable future). I get told Iím good looking all the time but I never really take it to heart. Iím not in a relationship and havenít been for some time (Iíve been going through a pretty intense figuring-out-my-sexuality period).
Let me start from the start. I went to school with this guy, letís call him Dave. I was never overly friendly with him but we ran in a mutual circle so I always said hey to him in the corridor and what not. He was pretty much a jock. As well as being good looking, tall, dark and handsome. I know thatís the clichť but thatís him. If I made him sound too good to be true, he could stand to gain 10lbs or so (but is still pretty damn hot ha). He had his moments where he could be an asshole, but never towards me thankfully. I would never be considered a jock but I hung around with a few and generally got along with most people.
Anyway, cut to after first year of college. I run into him again at a bar, we talk for a short while about all different sorts of crap but get along great and share a load of laughs. Probably the most we had ever talked up until that point. He went to the same college as me but we never saw each other. When the night was over he asked me to exchange numbers and said we should hang some time, I said thatís cool and we part. He kept good on his promise and texted me a week or two later about hanging out. Coincidentally, he and one of my roommates were in the same classes and he arranged to come over to ours to do work with him and hang with me. Essentially killing two birds with one stone. It was cool with me since weíd never hung and I didnít know what to expect. I ended up playing the Xbox while they sat at the table doing work on their laptops while we all drank beers. Needless to say, my roommate gets hammered and has to go to bed so itís just me and him. He finishes up his work and he joins me on the couch and we play Halo multiplayer. After an hour or so we were both absolutely out of it. I notice he has his leg resting right up against mine with his hand on it just touching my leg. He leans back and says something along the lines of ďdrink always makes me so horny. Does that happen to you?Ē (Canít remember exactly). I laughed and said ďyeah, but I usually get too hammered to do anything about itĒ. He laughed and sat up and literally just that moment his phone rings and itís his girlfriend, who was out that night and got drunk and needed to be taken home. So we end up saying our goodbyes and promised weíd hang again.
Over the next few months we start to get closer as friends and turns out we both really enjoy each otherís company. What happened on the first night was my first inkling that something may be going on with him and his sexuality. However the closer we got the more mixed signals I started to get regarding this. We would often shower at each otherís places after going to the gym and I would always catch him checking me out discreetly when I walked out in my boxer briefs. He would always do the same and make a point of ďforgettingĒ something he needed for the shower but only remembered after he had stripped to his briefs. Of course he has a girlfriend and still says ďfagsĒ when talking about anyone he doesnít like. Another time was the morning after a party I got up to take a leak, with my morning wood still in effect. I come back into the room (he had passed out on the bed opposite) and find him sitting up like he had just wakened. His eyes immediately jump to my crotch and I can tell he had a hard time taking them off my hard on cause they kept jumping back to it. I just kind of froze since I didnít expect him to be awake and waited until he stopped asking me whatever stupid questions he was asking me. A couple of times since then he made comments about how tall, skinny boys like us usually have ďthe biggest dicksĒ, but says he bets his would be bigger if we were to compare. Pretty much suggesting that we should, I always laugh it off and say something like ďnow we both know thatís not trueĒ.
Things have kept on like this pretty much up until now. Last week some one of our buddies suggested that we should go for a few days camping in the hills near us and fish and hike (we both enjoy the outdoors). Everyone was game but low and behold things start to come up for various people like they canít get it off work etc, to the point where it was just me, him and his girlfriend that could still go. Even his girlfriend dropped out at this point. I said we should just call it a day and plan it again for when everyone is able to go but he is pretty adamant that we go ahead with it, just me and him. Weíre supposed to go this Thursday and itís pretty much a foregone conclusion that it will go ahead.
My dilemma is that Iím pretty certain something will happen if we do go. Thereíll be drink, weíll be far away from normal life and it will be no one but us. Call it Brokeback Mountain syndrome. Iíd be lying if I said that I didnít want something to happen. Itís the old ďnab the jock from high schoolĒ fetish. But Iíve read enough on here to know that mixing sex with friends, especially those who are generally torn up about their sexuality, is a train crash waiting to happen. I would also never instigate anything, but Iím pretty sure he would have no problem doing so, and I donít know if I could reject his advances.
Basically, what the hell can I do?