i am so full of shit right now. that's what i get for eating mac and cheese with my lactose intolerant ass.
i am so full of shit right now. that's what i get for eating mac and cheese with my lactose intolerant ass.
last night, i was thinking really deeply about my life.
you know how some people see themselves being different from the time they were a kid to the time they're an adult.
well me on the other hand, i feel the same way i felt as a kid and now that i'm an adult. you know, *sigh* this is going to suck for me to say this but i always been someone trying to fit in and being accepted by others. i always wanted to be apart of the crowd and be considered to be a normal person like everyone else, you know, because as a kid, i was different. i don't know what it was. me not being able to talk until i was 5, me not being able to interact or get along with the other kids, me being put in special ed just to learn how to talk or whatever, me not being into guy stuff, acting extremely effeminate, or whatever. i was just thinking about wtf was up with me back then that lead to all that. in the long run, it was basically me fighting. i was always fighting somebody or something. whether it was fighting not to sleep at night, fighting some kids on the block that hated me or something else. i was always fighting. i would just get annoyed and wonder if my life would be much better when i got older because i felt like i didn't belong or like i was an alien. that was one of the reasons why i remained hopeful and decided not to run around doing any criminal activities, get involved with drugs, gangs, the streets, or even try to kill myself. zip past jr high, my teenage years, my early adult years and then now. i still feel the same way where i basically feel like i'm not accepted for who i am as a person and have to constantly fight and explain myself to people who look and treat me as if i'm not a human being. you know, i was getting really angry about it to the point where i just felt like saying fuck it, i should just do whatever since things won't change anyway. you know, it's like if i knew that my life would have came out to be like this, i would have probably just got locked up or tried to kill myself anyway. i hate other people treating me like i don't fucking belong or like i'm a weirdo and don't breathe the same fucking air that they do. like goddamn, do i have to kill somebody just to send a message that i'm the same as everybody else? i don't look disfigured or act crazy or whatever. i'm just like everyone else and i want my cake to eat it too. why the hell are people treating me so fucking different? that's the honest truth since it's supposed to be honesty day.
Where are you where people treat you so hostilely for being different? Because I don't get that. Some people aren't interested in me because my interests differ from them, but nobody treats me like I'm from space or anything. "Society" isn't one huge homogenous blob. If you're not fitting in where you're at, go a bit further down the block. Maybe you'll fit in with the emo folks or the punks or the jazz crowd. You might just need to look a bit harder to find people to accept you for you, but they ARE out there. If somebody isn't accepting you, stop trying to force them to do so - just stop dealing with them altogether.
Hello WagWag, I'm sad that I hadn't got the time to know you, your farewell post shows a good, if somewhat wounded, heart, and I would gladly have read more from you.
Why do you feel the need to stop being here ? You can lurk as you please, just read, or be absent for few weeks/months without saying a definitive goodbye.
Whatever your choice is, I wish you a very happy and fulfilling life wherever your feet will make you go !
I'm very ashamed : I go more frequently to McDo's than to French restaurants here in Paris
I'm a music fiend, I love going to concerts, and I've lived in Colorado for roughly thirty years.
Number of times I've gone to Red Rocks: 2.
In Colorado, even people who don't really go to concerts much tend to go to Red Rocks a couple times a year. From April through October, it's usually where any of the "currently big" artist or perennials are playing. But I've just never been sussed to get up there. I've been there to see a friend's band open for a national act (and I left before that national act took the stage), and once to see a bunch of 80s bands play (and my friend bought my ticket). The thing is - it IS a gorgeous venue, and it is a lot of fun seeing a show there. I just never seem to get up there.Are you saying that's too little?
I've lived in Colorado most of my life, and have never been to a concert at Red Rocks
There was a time because of where I lived, if they set things up just right (and a perfectly clear night) I could see some flashing lights from nighttime concerts...
(but not like I lived right close to it or anything LOL just a matter of being at the right angle to see it)
When we were in Romania to adopt 2 of our sons, the courts required us to track down any family members of theirs to sign away their rights to the boys before we were allowed to take them to the US. The boys were in very bad condition and needed to get to the US fast. While my partner took care of the boys, I hired private investigators. One of them was this huge Hungarian. I'm 6'3", 180 and he was at least a head taller and double my weight. He was the hairiest person I ever saw and mean looking. Frankly, I was afraid of him. To make things worse, I felt I needed to share with him who we were. I was scared to tell him we were a gay couple in case he had a problem with us. I needed his loyalty. Like any good coward, I wanted the support of others when I told him, so I invited others to be with me. It turns out his little brother was gay and he loved his brother. I began to develop trust in him, even though he still scared me. To make a long story short, I had told him all about the man who had abused the boys. He asked me if I wanted the man to have a taste of his own medicine. It was as if the devil whispered something tempting into my ear and I liked it. Alot. I mean, 2 broken legs would be a small price to pay for abusing children, I rationalized. Fortunately, my husband talked sense into me, after he laughed at me.
I laughed too, but the thought of revenge was so sweet. If you know anything about Romania, you know it's a dark place where there is precious little justice, especially for the most vulnerable. Had we been in the US, we would have had legal recourse and I wouldn't have felt so helpless. I felt powerless to prevent him from hurting any more children, which I am sure he would have. That is what bullies do. I did have the hairy Hungarian have a talk with the creep to let him know he was being watched.
I like to think of myself as a gentle man, but the way I enjoyed the thought of revenge still pricks my conscience.
Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.
I'm disappointed to see that WagWag left before I had the opportunity to say goodbye. I'd only just started interacting with him in recent weeks and was greatly impressed by his character. I must admit I was really looking forward to getting to know him better. Still, I am delighted to hear that he has overcome what ever difficulties he was facing in life and feels content to move on. Good luck with everything, bud.
Sixthson, the desire for revenge is a perfectly natural psychological mechanism, and is often parochial and heated - but what's important is that you felt conflicted enough to second-guess yourself, and that you ultimately rationalised a more diplomatic solution. Whereas our thoughts can ultimately become our words and actions, as your story depicts, it needn't be invariably so. There is no need to punish yourself harshly for negative thoughts when it is largely how you act upon them that defines who you are. Personally, I'm glad that there are men as gentle and kindhearted as yourself in this world, and even more so that your sons were(are) lucky enough to be brought up having two of them as parents.
As for a confession, I suppose I do have one that is pertinent to JUB. Sometimes at night when I'm finding it particularly difficult to sleep, I feel a calming warmth and comfort when I imagine a particular member of JUB lying beside me. What's odd is that since knowing him, I've had crushes on other men, I have dated other men, and have even had sex with another man, but find that my mind so often goes back to him when my head hits the pillow at night. I suppose that's not particularly surprising or damaging, but it is a confession nonetheless. You'll have to make do.
I'm a part time Buddhist so I'm not sure if I should be asking for salvation here but I have sex with every guy I meet! Ten Hail Mary time I think!
I don't think I post here often enough to have a reputation, but whatever...
I don't care for dead pet stories. For some reason, they just don't get to me in the way they do others. I've had pets, and of course I was dejected when they died, but I've never been able to revisit that level of dispiritedness as others seem to. The sheer overuse of such stories when the topic of sadness comes up prevents me from ever seeing them as anything but maudlin (I recall a thread on another forum where people decided to start posting sad material, and it was basically just ten pages of stories / videos of how someone's pet died). I don't think it's a case of me being impassive either, since I cry all the time...
I used to carry a notebook everywhere. But I cared little what they looked like. Sometimes, I'd have a little spiral notebook with dancing dinosaurs or fighting unicorns on it. As long as I had a place to write things down. I didn't carry pencils, though - only pens. Once I found a pen I loved - Bic black retractables - I started stocking up on them. Usually had two in my pocket at all times.
I still have standard sized spiral notebooks and retractable pens at home, but my iPhone has replaced the notebook I used to carry. I use the "notes" secrion to write down my ideas, and I have an app for sorting thru my "things to do". Is it the "same"? No. Just different. Less personal but more convenient.
and where on earth is Lexington?
If you want. I only answered at length because I was unclear what the real question was, and felt like being thorough.Interesting. I want to know what time it is. Can you tell me how to make a watch? :P
It's an iPhone simply because that's the one I chose. I wouldn't have minded any of the other smartphones. Most of my friends have Androids and Blackberrys, actually.everybody has an iphone nowadays. i'm telling you, it's a trademark of the new world order. steve jobs was an evil man.
it's been almost a year since i smoked marijuana. i most definitely am not going to smoke weed anymore since i can't handle it but let me say this though, i think weed should be legalized. it is a thinking drug. if you are a person that enjoys thinking about life, the ills of the world, science, history, and etc, you need to smoke some weed one time in your life.
i will never forget when i was smoking in my friend's backyard behind his garage. we were getting weeded out and the effects of the weed hit me. i just remember being back there huffing and puffing all that weed into my lungs and my body and mind just going into another world. i felt warm, my hands went numb and i just lost my sense of reality. i went into another world. you know how people say that they die and go to heaven or hell or the after life, that's what i experienced. i was present in my physical form but my mind was in another place. i had to constantly tell myself if the people that i had talked to and interacted with really existed and if certain events really happened. it was crazy to say the least. it was similar to me feeling completely out of wack when i was at my job where i felt like i loss sense of reality that i wrote sometime back.
then here's where it gets good. i started to think deeply about the ways of the world. then a serious thought hit me. i suddenly asked myself did people seriously kill and hate other people for being a different skin color than them? it really hit me like i was dumbfounded. it actually sickened me like wow, "you mean to tell me that back in the 1920s, 30s, before and after those times that people were being lynched and killed and etc for having black skin by people with white skin tone." i was like, wtf is the difference between blacks and whites. i started to ask the same question about if women were really being discriminated against for being women. did gay people really get discriminated against for being gay? were people really mistreating and hating people because of small characteristics that were different than theirs even though they were pretty no different than them and basically, the same human beings that they were. i was just horrified that there were people that thought like that and continue to simply because they have nothing better to do with their time. this was all when i was high out of my mind. then i started to look at america and realized that this country really is a horrible place to live in. why is this type of thinking normalized? then i thought about how people would get defensive about people challenging their way of thinking such as being racist or self segregating and etc and how they would be willing to kill me to prove how right they're are and how wrong i am or people like me was.
but being weeded out just makes you realize how horrible the world is. we are basically living a lie when people say that they're happy with the way things are when there's a lot of things that need to be done to make the world a better place. reality truly does suck. i think that marijuana would actually make people explore the parts of their minds that they don't want to acknowledge and see themselves and the world in a light that they may know of already but may not truly understand.
also when i was weeded out, the truth about me being gay came out. i basically came out to myself even though i was still in the closet. the guy who i had a crush on, i was hallucinating about him and basically making out with the air and acting out sexual positions while thinking of him drilling me. i remember being on my bed lying face down grabbing my ass saying "have your way with me please?" i was questioning if i accidently emailed him or someone else saying the feelings that i was hiding at the time or if i really said that i was gay and really was acting out when i remembered everything clear as day. i felt guilty for days and weeks trying to forget everything that happened basically being in denial and that's part of the reason why i decided to finally question my sexuality.
marijuana is a powerful drug. try it.
^ Did your pyjamas have a draw-string and fly?
Well, that's probably the first time I've elicited such a response from someone.
I don't know... I don't think I've ever come across one that brought me to tears, and I certainly don't seek them out. If anything, I've probably read less than most people. Maybe I just don't like animals as much as others...
I was feeling woozy from a medical procedure during the day yesterday.
I got up in the middle of the night to exercise my bladder. It's cold here, My tracky-dacks fell to my ankles, I tried to hobble but fell full-length slamming my considerable body down to the ground. Ouch!
I joined another gay forum a couple weeks ago, and tho I've been reading threads there...I have never once posted..
had a sex dream about two of the actors in teen wolf fucking each other on some porn fantasy type of thing. makes sense since i heard about one of the actors is in the closet.
by the way, the guy that was bottoming had a really hairy ass. i think i saw the guy that topped dick and his dick was big and thick. i didn't see them fuck but i saw right when the guy that was bottoming was getting ready to sit on the other guy's dick. haha.
I don't even see a way to reply to comments...
But i too do enjoy reading them
it's so funny watching mayweather whipping cotto's ass. FLOYD MAYWEATHER WON TOO! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!
I have not been exercising for months and have gotten fat. It's not a bad thing.
I drink too much
at this moment of time, i would like to say i need to take a shit but my brother is hogging the bathroom taking a shit as well, i need to shower, i feel tired, i had a bad dream right now which involves the wu-tang c.r.e.a.m video along with redman in a video rapping along with some rock star, and my eyes and i feel tired.
i also was going to make a thread pertaining to this guy that i'm talking to online who happened to be a feminine gay guy along with a generalized statement on black feminine gay guys but then i realized that it was my internalized homophobia that was acting up again. (and besides, i know that most of you guys in here would call me out on it anyway like what you've done before. so what would be the point?) it was pretty much my fear and my self hatred that was like "hi, refuji. you're thinking about ignoring this guy because he went to the same school as you did and he may have been in the same class as you. you're scared to give him a chance because you're afraid that he might know people that know you and then everyone that you know will know that you're gay". then i thought about how much i thought that being accepted by the majority and all the cool people had mattered to me so much in the past that i was willing to compromise who i really am to be somebody i''m not. it really hit me hard. then i also realized that around last year, my fear of being gay along with the stress of finding a job after graduating college and basically growing up and moving on with my life made me do crazy shit such as go on craigslist to look for weed dealers and wasting a shitload of money i didn't have in order to "take the pain away".
basically, fear makes me do crazy things and then i realized that although i'm taking two steps forward, it's a whole lot better than taking two steps back. i'm not going to smoke weed or run away from my problems such as being gay but i'm going to slowly push forward despite the fact that it makes me nervous and scared. it's like the idea of me being out makes me grip to anything that i feel can make me retain my manhood because i feel less of a man and an outcast even though most people around me view me as less than a man and an outcast already. it's that i don't or refuse to allow myself to be that since i believe that that will make me feel good about myself.
right now, i am high off masturbation. this is what marijuana is supposed to do to me but it seems like my hand is a stronger drug.
i don't want to be bothered at all. leave me alone. i want to enjoy this mellow feeling right now. i'm so laid back, lazy and my armpits feel sticky. however, my kitchen sink smells like how my armpits are supposed to be smelling=unsexified.
like in that state farm commercial, can i get a hot tub?
When I was younger I battled against severe internalized homophobia, and was in such a fucked-up state mentally that I did disgusting, filthy things which (if it exists) would surely land me in Hell. I'm so ashamed of some of the things I did during my early teen years that I've done my best to forget them and block them from my memory.
okay, another confession that i'm going to get off my chase.
ever since i was 11, i always felt like i was being watched by somebody as in someone is keeping surveillance over me. i don't know why but i felt that way ever since i started taking out books that gave information about nuclear, biological and chemical weapons at east orange public library. i don't know why i had a morbid fascination as a kid with weapons of mass destruction or things which hurt or kill people.
but since then, i've been paranoid a bit here and there. i used to think that cameras were being stashed in my bedroom (not anymore though). i've been also suspicious of some people as well. i haven't been doing anything illegal. about 2 years ago, i thought a certain guy that i met in 07 was stalking me since i saw his car the same gym that i go to. turns out that it was just my imagination.
however, in recent times, i THINK someone else has been in the past months or so been watching or stalking me. not to give away any details but i think someone is watching me and they know that i know that they're watching me too. i think they want me to say something but then again, i don't want to because i might be opening up a can of worms. i would rather my suspicions be proven than me to sound like an idiot when i ask questions.
but to anybody that is watching me for real as in the real life person behind this screenname (not talking about any posters in here that happen to read my posts or whatever), it would be better to just straight up tell me that you're watching me or whatever you have to say than do the obvious because i'm not going to say anything and provoke the unprovoked. i'm a cool guy where i laugh things off or will be cool about situations where people might get really pissed over.
then again it might be my imagination and i'm just wishing to be persued or stalked. i don't know.
I once thought someone was watching me. Yhen I realized how utterly bored that person must be if he were.
For all I know, somebody IS watching my every move, and is brilliant about covering his tracks so that I don't stumble across him, or even suspect. But if so...why?
Let's say he just watched me this weekend. If so, what did he get to see? Yeah, he saw me shower and masturbate and have sex. But that's amid a sea of boring stuff like watching me sleep (and snore), and pet my cat, and look up album artwork on the internet, and listen to some music, and read my book, and eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and go to the lacrosse game, and wander around some bars looking for friends that never showed up. If somebody's sitting there watching all this, why? What's he getting out of it?
Is he compiling a dossier that he'll use to blackmail me? If so, he knows how poor I am...and how little I care if others know I watched porn or ate a sandwich.
Is he so turned on by me that he'll sit there watching me do all this stuff for a quick look at my cock? If he's followed me that long, he should know I'd give him a look if he asked. Hell, I might give him more than a look if he asked nicely.
Let's not get crazy now.
but honestly, i wouldn't be surprised if you did have a stalker or two. you did say awhile back that you're considered a celebrity in your town where people are like "oh shit, aren't you lex from..........?"
If they're following me 24/7, they've got no job but can afford difficult-to-detect cameras and microphones. In which case, hey, knock yourself out.good point. but then again, lex, that idea is not far fetched at all. who knows, you might actually have one or two stalkers following you right now and the craziest thing is that some people really don't have anything better to do than to do that to other people because they really don't have anything going on in their lives.
Actually, some years ago, I was talking to somebody about whether ghosts were real. He seemed to think spirits could (and did) look down into us wherever we were doing. And my response was that maybe they could, but what was I going to do about it? If they could watch as I got busy with a guy, it's not like I could foil them by moving to another room - they'd just follow us there. So my opinion is "if they're there, and they're watching, I hope they enjoy the show." My guess is that if they have that power, they're probably spying on somebody hotter, though.
I do have people "following" me...on Twitter. But even there, they find out what I maintain over and over - that my life is interesting and exciting to me, but boring as hell to others.but honestly, i wouldn't be surprised if you did have a stalker or two. you did say awhile back that you're considered a celebrity in your town where people are like "oh shit, aren't you lex from..........?"
well.... speaking of hot, what would you do if your stalker was a hot guy? you wouldn't invite from to a threesome with you and your man? honestly, if my stalker was a hot guy, i would give him the "are you serious?" look and then ask him how come he couldn't say hello or confront me and keep it real. i would give him a shot.
Well, if he's doing the "stalker" game as you set it up - where I'm under undetectable surveillance 24/7 - I really won't know, will I? Unless he either slips up, or decides to make his presence known, it's like he isn't there. And that's how I operate. Either nobody's watching me, or somebody's watching me that I can't do anything about (like a ghost), so I may as well operate like nobody's watching me. I suppose I could randomly yell out "Hey, stalker, feel free to join in and get some of this" each time I'm having sex or masturbating, but if he exists, I doubt that'll lure him out of hiding. But since he's presumably watching my every move, he no doubt is reading my JUB posts. In which case:
Dear Stalker, if you want to have sex with me, just ask. I'll make it happen.