So after spending 4 days in South Carolina, I almost feel sympathy for people that live in the South. SC is one of those states where it is cheaper to go out and drink than to buy at a liquor store. It cost $20 for a fifth of vodka which is just absurd. I get a handle for that price up in MA. Course a pack of cigs down in "flavor country" is half of what it costs in MA.
one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry
well, my father and my brother are taking me being gay very nicely. my mom on the other hand is already mad at me for not doing my thing as in being responsible and getting myself up out of here. well, she's apparently more angry with me over being gay. we were having a talk today and she was saying how "it's a lifestyle, it's a choice," and started talking about the bible where she said jesus was about to get raped in some town by some gay people. then she told me how i was being dramatic and why i had to tell her at this time where she's back in school, completely stressed out and shit. i guess she feels that i'm a disappointment that i didn't come to be exactly what she wanted to be. from what she told me on monday, as a baby, i guess i caused her much disappointment when i wasn't normal like how other babies were. when she was told by the psychologists and doctors that i may have been "slow" as in "retarded" since i wasn't talking and walking like how other kids were normally, she was hurt. as time went on, i proved to be a pain in the ass to her where i was pretty much living up to what she thought was the expectations of how people thought i would turn out to be.
then i said something to her about "i'm gay, get over it" or something she got offended by and she said "i'm not afraid to disown you or not love you anymore. don't get me mad." i was thinking to myself like "really?" i can fully understand why she's upset that i'm underachieving and not going out and doing my thing and how she says it should naturally occur to me and all. HOWEVER, i'm really getting annoyed how she isn't even trying to understand me or at least be supportive towards me whenever i go through my issues or whatever. it actually upsets me. one minute she's leaning on me crying about how her life is, how my father is abusive towards her, how she can't lose weight, how she's tired and doesn't know how to help herself and then when i come to her on the same sh!t, it's "i'm not your friend, i'm your mother". man..... i love my mother but i just wish she could at least understand where my head is at sometimes. she doesn't get it. i pretty much am rooting for her to get out of the shit she's in BUT she doesn't seem all that interested in helping herself. it's as if she wants someone to save her and then she's blaming everyone for why she's doesn't want to do shit.
but what can i say? i know what i have to do, what i WILL do and you know what even though saying this shit kind of makes me somewhat teary eyed thinking about how i feel like my mom views me a failure to a degree and she was like the only person that believed in me when a lot of people didn't, i don't care because i believe in myself. i no longer feel like running away from life where i want to go to a mental hospital or throw myself in front of a train because i feel as if there is no hope for me. that small ounce of hope that i had is now even bigger. i believe in myself. i could die alone for all i care. i love me and nobody can't break me down. NOBODY. not even myself. i'm standing tall and if you don't like me, then too bad. not saying that i'm a perfect person but it is what it is.
just had to rant trill quick.
one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry
Myrtle Beach is in South Carolina. I am extremely disappointed you had no idea where that was person. I thought you were intelligent.
I didn't want to humiliate him in name but a guy on here thought that Myrtle Beach was in New England because I was just there with my family on "vacation".
He wouldn't be any more embarrassed than I am,
That tranny I picked up at the Barracks in Cathedral City,
the one with the leather bustier, what I took to my suite
at Riviera Palms downtown for the week-end tolded me
her name was Myrtle Beach. We have a 3some date with
her brother Daytona next week-end.
I might post in them, but I never, ever actually vote in poll threads. Can't see it. Nope, can't see the point.
you're progressing, RU, and may the progress build on itself and become a juggernaut that is unstoppable in your quest to be yourself entirely. I also hope that your parents will have discussions about this, and that your Dad is able to convince your Mom that you're still the same son they've always had, and that there's no going back or changing things. She would do well to learn the "...and the wisdom to know the difference" part of the AA Serenity Prayer, which is something that applies to all of humanity.
BOSS: I'm sorry, but I'll have to lay you and Jack off. SUE: Can you just jack off? I feel like shit today.
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony
How do you tell the difference between a carpenter and a chemist? (A chemist in USA, not British, definition.) Ask them to pronounce unionized.
i think that she has to be happy with myself first because she's not happy. she has issues that only she can help herself with. i think that she thinks that her issues will go away if someone comes up and cleans her mess or comes around and saves her. that's not going to happen.
one thing about her that i do argue with is that i need to stop being dependent on her, get me a job, be on out of this house and go out on my own. she's right about that. i think she feels that i'm telling her that i'm gay at the wrong time where she's stressed out over 100 things like her job, me being dependent on her and staying at home, my father, the bills, her being at school and etc. she feels i'm using it as an excuse. it may seem like that but it's not the case. even if i did have a job, moved out on my own and etc, she said that she might still be upset about me being gay but she'll deal with it. she's more upset with me not doing what i'm supposed to do on the responsibility front.
one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry
RFG in the past weeks you have been ranted a lot about your being closeted and dealing with homosexuality and coming-out...
To our surprise (to mine anyway) you did something about it much faster than I expected (given you seemed to still be struggling with admitting being gay to yourself), that was really impressive and telling about your character.
The other thing you complain about a lot is your financial dependency and constant arguments with your mother about it, my question is, now that you're out, will you concentrate on solving this issue and what will you do about it?
I ain't got no panties on.
SiriusXM 11am to 3 EST
in this case, i don't even know. i would say that i fucked up my job opportunities from joining the police department where i flunked the tests that i didn't study hard enough for that i could have passed. i would also say that i should have been on my j-o-b with persuing law school way before i even graduated with my associates. my mom and other people always warned me that i should figure out what i wanted to do after i graduated and like an idiot, i was just talking, procrastinating and going like "law school" without really doing my research. well, it's coming back to bite me in the ass. well, when you don't learn from your mistakes, don't think and let fear get into your ass, you find yourself like me.
i know that i'm going to have to do the work, have to study my ass off for the LSAT, have to literally go the distance for it but hey... you know what... it is what it is. regardless of the matter, i'm confident that i'll make it, be out on my own, doing something. i have confidence that i will be successful, go to law school or whatever. i'll be okay. even if it takes me til i'm 40 or i die trying, i'm going to succeed. i'll be looking back at my situation like "remember when i was on jub or on my blog crying about how my life sucks, how i wanted to kill myself, how i was scared to come out the closet, how i thought that i would be broke, naked and homeless on the street with 2 college degrees in criminal justice thinking that i really was going to be the failure i thought i was. well, i'm rich and i'm living my life now." like what huntneo said, this is just a moment in time. things will get better. they have to.
yeah, i complain, vent a lot in here and shit instead of being proactive. i agree, it's annoying. i know i type long ass essays as well. it's funny how people act like i don't know what they're thinking or whatever but to be honest with you, i really don't care enough to change it because i like typing long essays and venting and complaining. that's what i like to do, i guess, otherwise i would have stopped doing it a long time ago. anyways, i pretty much have to be proactive and get off my ass and start making moves because it's really hurting my ass. to be honest with you, i'm not upset that i'm in this problem. when i put in the work, stay persistent, get up when i fail and keep going for mine, i pretty much will be good even if i fail or die trying.
i apologize for the long essay or whatever but that's just how i do.
so what if you do end up like me? as long as you're still alive, you still have another day to turn your misfortune around. it's not the end of the world. yeah, i may have a hard time struggling to find a job BUT sheit, the future is promising though. you never know what's going to happen. i look at it like how my mom was told by the doctors and psychologists after assessing me at 2 years old telling her that i might be mentally retarded where there was no way i would be able to live a normal life. well, fuck those doctors and the shrink, i'm living a normal life like everybody else is. bet they thought that i would be in the special home or somewhere. the jokes on them. they can kiss my ass.
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I have a superhero fetish
I occasionally have malt whisky with ice in.
my guess is that with law school, it'll probably be the same damn thing. it's crazy how they make these things to be the most fucking difficult thing in the world where you have to pass some bullshit ass standard testing, have to jump hoops and loops and when you get there and see the work you have to do, it's like "you had me stressing out and doing all of that for this?" hell, these jobs that they'll make people backflip over fire for probably aren't even as difficult as they're making it to be. these people are fucking funny.
hell, i've applied for jobs and they just haven't said squat to me back. it's messed up.
My favorite song
I have no "Plan B". I don't know what I'm going to do with my life when I'm not modelling anymore. Last week was hell. Nothing to do but sit around the house, read, play around on the computer, etc. I was going stir crazy. My partner says I don't have to decide right away, there's plenty of time, and we don't need the money. I don't want to be a 'house husband' or be totally dependent on his income like that. I want something to do that's going to be mine. Thing is... I have no Earthly idea what that is. I'm drawn to creative things, but you can't usually make a living at that. Writing appeals to me most, but photography would be easier for me to get into. I started modelling at 14 so I didn't have any defined idea of what I wanted to be "when I grow up". I'm scared I'm going to become totally financially dependent on him.
For the other, unless you're really lucky, most models have a 'sell by' date of 30-35ish at the outside. Even if you still look good, there's the years of exposure you've had. People want a 'fresh face.'
I've been getting a lot of work in East Asia. I travel a lot to Singapore, Hong Kong, and Tokyo. Not to be ungrateful for the luck I've had, but those are the worst trips for me now. I should have probably told my agency to put me up for castings in this week's Japan fashion week, but I just couldn't face being half way around the world again so soon after my last job. However, now I'm restless & bored & worried about things. So I know that I need to start planning for my future and not wait until the last minute.
I talked with some friends when we were out tonight about possibly doing an internship with one of the photographers I've worked with. That'll probably be the direction I go. While I think I've got a 'great American novel' in me somewhere, I can do that in my down time. I guess that this year I've been discovering I have a bit of a homebody streak in me.
I find writing (and sometimes reading) to be very therapeutic! Especially love and romantic ones. Make that gay love and romance
I confess that makes me feel like I'm living another life! (Which is awesome at times and scary at others!)
Fine i ate lasagna for dinner and for lucnh
man.... i haven't ate since 3 o clock in the afternoon which means right now, i'm gassy like a mufferfudder. i can feel a headache coming on. i'd eat but at the same time, it's not exactly what i want to eat plus i'm too lazy to get up out of my chair and leave my room. i'd love to go for a hamburger on a grill if i had a grill to cook it on.
right now fuddkin sucks. i am bored out of my mind. i used to love the internet so much but this is boring. somehow, i can't seem to pull myself away from this piece of shit. i'm on this site, the-coli, youtube, and some other spots just basically going around a circle. if i had a car and an idea of a place to go, i would be out the house doing something like my older brother BUT instead of stuck in this fucking place literally getting sleepy. i hate being stuck in the house all day and doing like 3 fucking things. damnit. i'm addicted to this web shit. i'm telling myself to pull myself away but i can't. i'm going to study a few more pages of the lsat and then apply to more fussin jobs.
i also haven't showered since friday night. when the water hits my skin after i soap myself down, the water is going to look dirty like the passaic river. i might have some head cheese on my dick. i beat my meat like three times since friday.
something is wrong with me. i actually found this funny. i apologize for laughing at something so tragic. nobody died though luckily.
i'm starting to regret mixing cheese with my mashed potatoes last night. damn, my farts are smelling horrendous. oh god... i would eat some boiled eggs BUT that'll just make matters worse. either way, a shittrain is coming along and i hope everything comes out the digestive tract. EVERYTHING!! i feel like vomiting smelling the biological processes going on inside of me. this isn't right.
and for some reason, i keep on thinking about somehow having my vision being interrupted by watching some microscopic worms which are really a disease just growing and growing until my vision is taken over by them. that shit is scary to me.
it wouldn't surprise me if i was on the government's watch list especially when as a kid and a teenager, i used to look up for nuclear, biological and chemical weapons amongst other things. for some reason, i thought that nbc weapons were fascinating especially the nerve agents like sarin and vx. it used to scare me and at the same time make me go @ how a tiny drop of a chemical that is odorless and tasteless could do so much horrors to someone. the fact that there are warehouses and areas known and unknown to the american public containing these weapons of mass destruction is fucking scary. you might be living right next door to a damn missile launching site. i'm sure there's tons of missile launching stations where nukes are hidden underneath that we don't know. after all, what you don't know is what you should be afraid of. i'm sure that the things that i've posted on my blog as well as all the visits that i've went to the shrink with the crazy things i've said has me being watched by the fbi and cia. the crazy thing is that i THINK that the cops or that the government has been staking outside my house on random occasions. i've seen crown victorias and different type of cars just sitting outside.
i guess my pazzyuno blog is catching me heat. it wouldn't surprise me if i've ran into a cia agent on the low. i'm paranoid as it is. i don't trust anybody. hell, my own mom could probably be working for the government and i wouldn't have a fucking clue.
and another thing too... even though i try to keep this off my mind, i think that someone that may know me is fucking watching me posting but isn't saying anything about it. that makes me very uncomfortable having that thought in my head BUT i'm going to act like that's just me being paranoid and hope that that's not true. if it is, i hope they don't look down on me for what i post.
there's nothing more irking than to see a black, asian, indian or basically a nonwhite person being ashamed of being black, asian, indian or whatever they are.
like i'm on okcupid and i notice that many of the black guys on there are putting black mixed with native american instead of just putting black. i'm like unless your mother or father is native american, you're NOT that. your ancestry might be a lot of things but at the end of the day, you're black. i look @ that as them being ashamed of being black. it's just as annoying as hearing black americans whose families go back generations in america talking about they're african. you have african ancestry but you're american. the africans don't look @ you like you're one of their own because you're NOT. accept where you're from.
i also notice that many of the black guys on that okcupid site i guess seem to prefer white guys (as is indicated through the pics they have of themselves where their friends are white and they're the ONLY black person in their picture). i know i shouldn't judge BUT if i see that, right away, i assume that that black guy doesn't want to have anything to do with black people or has an issue with black people. i mean... what would be the point in showing the people that you hang with? obviously, you're implying something. i understand if you're like the only black person in your school, neighborhood and etc BUT in somewhere like manhattan or brooklyn. i dunno. you mean to tell me that you have like 12 photos of yourself and have everyone of them with a white person in them chilling beside you? there's nothing wrong with having friends that aren't black. i just think that you're telling all the nonwhites to not even bother to message you because you don't want to have anything to do with them.
and politics is bullshit. at the end of the day, it's a much bigger picture than what people would like to think or believe is going on that dictates the happenings of this country besides a bunch of politicians politicking. it really doesn't matter who you vote for at the end of the day. whatever's going to happen is going to happen. it's that when people vote, they can have a right to complain or whatever if things don't go their way. sometimes, the change that people are basically expecting to happen can be done by themselves but yet they expect someone else to make things change for them. for example, gun violence. i seriously believe that gun violence would drop IF people changed their thinking towards violence in general. you have so many people that feel the need to get physical in situations that don't even call for it. someone cuts them off on the highway and they're ready to fight someone. someone cuts them in line and they're ready to fight. someone looks at them wrong and they're ready to fight. why do people feel the need to fight every minute or for that matter get angry over everything?
I try to comprehend a lot of things but one thing sexually eludes me, foot fetish. I just do not get it at all.
His toes speaks volumes about his inner most feelings, and attitude.
Watch them in amusement as they curl and splay as he's having an orgasm (as a bottom, or being blown), or see how he uses them for leverage as a top. Are they bent forward, gripping the bed, or curved backwards allowing his thighs to slide more easily.
Watch in fascination as he absentmindedly plays with his flip flops with his toes while reading a book, or engaged in idle conversation.
A well defined arch can lead you to his "Achilles Heel" (so to speak) and that one ticklish spot at the bottoms of his feet that will bring him to his knees.
His feet are an extension of his brain, and carries his body to places his mind wants to go. They're the foundation of what holds up his fantastic masculine form.
Now, while I will admit to having a minor foot fetish, there's a fine line, and I can just as easily (often is the case) be just as turned off by a man's feet.
for the first time since 2009, i'm taking a week break from the gym. i think i need the break. can't work out every week.
and i'm thinking about whether i should take a hiatus from the internet too. i'm contemplating about whether i should take a hiatus or make my account for a few months for my own good. i don't feel like being on the internet everyday and i feel as if this site is a bit too addictive for me.
call me sick but i'm currently watching a live feed of what is about to be an execution process conference going on in south dakota. i'm fascinated with the death penalty and executions. i was disappointed when new jersey abolished the death penalty. i actually wanted to be a citizen witness to an execution. i'm against the death penalty though. i sound like a hypocrite.
I been workin' on my PhD in Psychology.
Yeah it's a big deal out here. He hasn't even been in jail very long. At least, compared to the last guy that got the death penalty here.
the word hasn't come in yet. any minute now.