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  1. #1
    Porn Star easyroad's Avatar
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    Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    Ok, this post is a huge deal to me. It’s about something that happened to me 10 years ago and that I still live with today. Don’t know for sure what I’ll accomplish with this, but maybe putting it all out will help in some way.

    ***

    I was 12 years old at the time. Back then, I was very close with this cousin of mine (practically same age as me, I’m three months older). He’d always invite me to sleep over and we would have lots of fun. We were a bit different though. He always liked to run, do crazy shit and party, but I was never very physical and my real thing was video games. For me, the best thing about going to his place was playing his Super Nintendo (and then his Nintendo 64).

    The story truly begins when our playing around started getting a bit more… sexual. He would get on top of me and dry hump me in his room, rub his butt in my groin area in the kitchen, wanting to watch me take a shower, asking me to masturbate in front of him… those are a few of the things I remember.

    I was very confused. First of all, I never really watched porn and had no idea what sex actually was. My only experience with it up until then was when my father mockingly showed me a MS-DOS porn game he bought when I was 8 years old. In it, a guy was in a maze looking for women on beds to have sex with. Then there was a “video” (terrible quality, barely ten seconds) of a woman sucking a dick (I had no idea dicks could get that big, for all I knew she was eating a turd).

    Second of all, as maybe you’d infer from what I wrote above, I was an extremely naïve child. Naïve to the point of stupidity. I also had this unbearable need to follow the rules and be a good kid. “No, I will not read that magazine, only when I’m 18 years old!”, “That tape from ‘Lips video’, I can’t watch that… is that a horror movie?”, “Don’t show me that picture, YOU PERVERT!” (I was understandably mocked in school after that one).

    And so, all I could get from my cousin’s jokes (aside from all the boners, which I just ignored), was that he was a crazy kid. One of the most remarkable moments was when I asked him after one of his antics: ”How is it that you never get caught?”. He enjoyed himself very much after hearing that.

    But at the same time that I was faking annoyance and turning down his requests… I was excited. I wanted him to play around with me. It was the first big (if not goddamn CONCLUSIVE) evidence that I was gay but I didn’t see it that way until much later. How dumb was I?

    One time, he thought he heard a noise downstairs and asked me to follow him. We walked in line down the corridor. When he stopped, I did so a bit too closely to him, my groin touching his butt crack.

    “Sorry, it’s too dark in here”, I said (I feel embarrassed just thinking about it…).

    In a funny twist, he asked me to go downstairs again the same night, this time with me at the front, and at the same spot, he dry humped me from behind in a ridiculous fashion, then jokingly said the same thing: “Sorry, it’s too dark in here!”. That’s when I realized what a stupid thing I did. But it didn’t stop after that.

    I can’t remember everything, but my impression was that those things were way less meaningful to him than they were for me. It looked like he only did it because I acted like I didn’t want it. I wanted it to go on, but in my mind, I couldn’t just ask him to do it! What if those jokes were just him fooling around? What if my question weirded him out? What if he used it against me? What if he told everyone that I asked him to fool around with me?

    And then… the joke got a bit too serious. This was the closest thing to sex I ever got with anyone. And it was with my cousin.

    It was a Sunday, I was having lunch with him, his parents and all his siblings at a restaurant. All I remember was him implying that when we got home… then he made a sexual gesture with his arms. Very subtle, of course, and no one noticed a thing.

    Can you imagine how I was feeling at that moment? I had never been so anxious in my life – and never felt that way since. The nerves, the anticipation… how should I act? Should I wait for his command? Would he object if I acted on my own accord?

    A while later, we returned to his house and both of us were alone in his bedroom. I stood in front of him. He asked me to get naked. I took off all of my clothes, then he removed all of his. I remember having the most intense boner ever, while his dick was completely flaccid.

    What happened next were the weirdest 30 seconds of my life. He got on top of me and we went on the bed. I can’t remember what he did, was he rubbing himself against me, or just hugging me, I don’t know. All I remember was that I was stiff as a board. All the time wondering what to do, if anything.

    And then, he asked me to leave the bed.

    Completely confused, I went to the other side of the bedroom. He was just laying there, face down to the bed (masturbating?). I even approached him a few seconds later, but he was like “no, go back”. I don’t remember anything after that.

    Looking back now, I think that he didn't know what we were doing any more than I did.

    I think I still slept at his house a few other times, but nothing of relevance happened since. Our relationship was never the same. For years now, we only meet on family parties and our conversations are nothing beyond greetings and small talk.

    If he ever fooled around with other guys I’ll probably never know. What I do know is that he has a girlfriend and they’ve been together for a very long time (maybe 3 years, but I’m not sure). I’ve talked to her many times and she’s really nice. And now that all his older siblings got married (the second youngest after him did it just a few months ago), there’ll be more pressure for them to get married, so that should be interesting…

    There was a time when all I could think about was those 30 seconds. It’s not as frequent now as it was before. But still...

    It never really went away. I still think about those 30 seconds and what it could have been. What if I pressed his body against mine? What if I kissed him? What if I rubbed our dicks together? What if I licked his neck? It’s awful. The worst case of blue balls imaginable.

    To this day, I am angry at the type of person I was back then. So focused on being a Goody Two-Shoes and wasting so many opportunities… thinking I was so clever but ignorant in so many ways…

    And you know what’s the ultimate irony? I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore (if ever), nor do I have any interest in a relationship. We are completely different in personality, walks of life, personal tastes, plans to the future, etc. But I still can’t get this out of my head. All I want is one night with him, with no strings attached, just to finish what we started…

    ***

    If you read this until the end, thank you! Wow, that’s some dedication!

    I hope this will help me cope with this mess until I see a psychiatrist or something. I can’t keep coming back to this anymore. It has gone on long enough.

  2. #2
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    I hope you feel somewhat better getting that off your chest. I'm not sure if you have mixed feelings, but the sense that you wish something more would have happened comes through very clearly.

    If I were sitting with you I'd have a bunch of questions, the first being, have you had sex to the point of orgasm with another guy? The second would be, are you out?

    There is a common idea in this forum especially from scared, shy and introverted men (this described me at one time, so it is not a put down) that having sex with someone already in one's life that seems safe and already hanging around is the best way to go.

    We can't change the past and the what ifs just wear us down. I'm glad you two were the same age when you played. It's not uncommon to never talk about it again. It has it's own power because you were excited and it was something you thought was wrong and did it anyway.

    You seem to be reliving it constantly. And you are correct to seek therapy for anything that takes over your thoughts. A psychologist or a clinical social work would be appropriate as psychiatrists are MDs and typically prescribe meds and monitor them.

    What you did with your cousin was age appropriate. What would be healthy now is to establish adult sexual relationships or -ship depending on you.

    So my question is this: are you holding on to these memories because you haven't had a sexual partner, or is there another reason?

    Are you functioning pretty well in your lfe is another question I would ask.

    Feel free to private message me. I can relate to you story and your feelings .
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  3. #3
    Porn Star easyroad's Avatar
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    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    ^^^
    No need to make it private. I appreciate any feedback I can get. So glad I finally have someone to talk to about this!

    To answer your questions: no, I never had anything sexual with any guy other than my cousin. And this is the most honest I've ever been when asked about my sex life, because I always say "no" and then think "Well, I once allowed my cousin go all over me while we were both naked, does that count as sex?". So it's weird.

    Also, I'm only out to those closest to me - my parents, step-mother, sister and a few trust-worthy friends. I decided that it didn't make sense to go telling everyone, especially considering that I'm not looking for a boyfriend - never went to a gay bar or anything. I even told some randoms, but most of the time it felt pointless. So I decided to let other people figure it out for themselves.

    Soreknees, when you said "it was something you thought was wrong and did it anyway", it made me think. I'm not sure my biggest concern was that it was wrong per se (I was pointed out that it was wrong to "behave like a girl", but no one ever said anything about sex with a guy, so...), but that we might get caught. Another thing that came to my mind is that I was just not mentally ready for this. I was too immature. I wonder where did he get the idea, what gave him the impetus to fool around with a guy - with me of all people. Did he want to try out what he saw in porn movies? Did he like the power he had over me? Did he actually desire me? I'll never know.

    The reason I'm holding on to those memories... I would LOVE to know it for sure, but I don't. It might be because I've never had another sexual partner, that makes sense. And I function well in my life, I suppose. A few issues with being sociable and such, but those were there even before these things happened.

    Guess I'll never know for sure unless I go see a therapist. This thread will be of tremendous help when I do it, I'm sure!

  4. #4
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    It's good to talk things out. I guess most people have secrets. I do. And yes, I have been in therapy. Sex is powerful even when we are immature. I'm not a therapist but one technique to break the spell if this memory is to imagine in detail what would have happened had you been caught.

    Your cousin was probably sexualized by someone or something and may have had no other motive than to share something with you.

    I'm glad you shared your orientation with your close loved ones.

    My next question would be this: what would you like to happen sexually in your life?
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  5. #5
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    You said you're not looking for a boyfriend now and you're out. Do you want to try a NSA relationship with a guy?

  6. #6
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    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    I can totally relate to you, not in the sexual way but to this day I still think a lot about an opportunity I had just to become friends with this one guy because he asked me to hang out with him, but I denied. And it was literally like 9 years ago..

    Now that I think about it I hated my friend I had been with my whole life. And this guy was someone I actually really liked to talk to at school even when he caught me taking swim lessons (which I was too afraid to admit I didn't know how to swim) he defended me.

    Then he came back to my current school 3 years earlier than now and we just exchanged a few greetings but nothing more, and now he's in the military, supposedly gay then turned bi. I always had a crush on him but still liked him as a friend. Damn my shy awkward self!

    But I'm glad you admitted all of that, maybe gain confidence to sit down with him privately, and just talk with him. Don't push sex!

  7. #7
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    ^ Try Facebook. It's a great way to meet up with someone you've lost track of.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  8. #8
    Porn Star easyroad's Avatar
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    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    Quote Originally Posted by soreknees View Post
    My next question would be this: what would you like to happen sexually in your life?
    Quote Originally Posted by HunterM View Post
    You said you're not looking for a boyfriend now and you're out. Do you want to try a NSA relationship with a guy?
    Ok, here's the thing: I feel like I'm more in need of friendship than sex right now. But as far as relationships go, I'm not really an NSA type of guy, I'd prefer to be a part of something reciprocal. This case is the only exception because I don't want an actual relationship with him (aside from the fact that we're, you know, cousins, we wouldn't make a good pair at all), it's only driven by need of closure.

    Quote Originally Posted by GhostMost View Post
    But I'm glad you admitted all of that, maybe gain confidence to sit down with him privately, and just talk with him. Don't push sex!
    Ooooh, I don't know if I should go there... I thought about it before, many times, but... I can't think of a good way to even introduce the subject - we barely talk to each other. It sounds like something a therapist would recommend, but it also has "BAD IDEA" written all around it...

  9. #9
    fka "vetteboi" backpacker's Avatar
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    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    You are somewhat fixated on this event because you haven't moved on to adult sexual relationships. You are out and there is no reason for you not to pursue a relationship of some type with a guy (not your cousin).

    It may be helpful to talk to your cousin about what happened when you were 12. That's as far as it should go. What the two of you did was normal 12 year old experimentation. Chances are that he is straight. He may have an even fuzzier memory than yours about what happened as it may not have been that significant to him. He probably experimented with other guys. If you do decide to talk to him, I would do it as "Do you remember ... that was pretty crazy. I was so naive I didn't really even understand what was happening. I can't believe what a goody two shoes I was back then." You can even add that "I think it sucks that our friendship seemed to take a turn for the worse after that." Good luck!
    fka "vetteboi"

  10. #10
    Sex God GhostMost's Avatar
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    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    Quote Originally Posted by soreknees View Post
    ^ Try Facebook. It's a great way to meet up with someone you've lost track of.
    No we are, and about three weeks from him leaving I sat down with him and my friend lightened up the situation by talking too, he invited us to his graduation party. My friend didn't want to go because she knew there'd be alcohol and I couldn't go alone.

    Problem unsolved

    sorry easyroad i didn't mean to draw attention

  11. #11
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    Quote Originally Posted by backpacker View Post
    You are somewhat fixated on this event because you haven't moved on to adult sexual relationships. You are out and there is no reason for you not to pursue a relationship of some type with a guy (not your cousin).
    Good advice to follow. With new experiences, you'll get new memories. Then you'll be able to move on. Until you find that someone special, try NSA first. I remember my first couple of times were nervous and kind of awkward. But I got over it soon after.

  12. #12
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    Quote Originally Posted by easyroad View Post
    Ooooh, I don't know if I should go there... I thought about it before, many times, but... I can't think of a good way to even introduce the subject - we barely talk to each other. It sounds like something a therapist would recommend, but it also has "BAD IDEA" written all around it...
    I can't imagine a good therapist suggesting this. No matter who suggests what always go with your gut instinct. It wouldn't be uncommon for your cousin to deny it. If friends are what you need then you have to find ways of meeting gay guys. If you need help with that you can explore that issue here or in another thread so as to keep it focused.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  13. #13
    Porn Star easyroad's Avatar
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    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    Thank you guys so much for your help! Of course, you're all correct, I need to go out there and have some adult relationships, but I'm really afraid to do it alone. It would be great if I could meet some of you guys in real life and be in a circle of people with whom I can talk about anything... but it's gonna take some time.

    I'm definitely gonna see a therapist this year, so it's not all bad.

  14. #14
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    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    Quote Originally Posted by easyroad View Post
    Thank you guys so much for your help! Of course, you're all correct, I need to go out there and have some adult relationships, but I'm really afraid to do it alone. It would be great if I could meet some of you guys in real life and be in a circle of people with whom I can talk about anything... but it's gonna take some time.

    I'm definitely gonna see a therapist this year, so it's not all bad.
    I do think you have the desire / the need to engage in a sexual relationship. You want to have a "complete" relationship. Your cousin seems to be the quickest and easiest solution - to your mind - as you were nearly there before, you trusted him in the past - the completion would meet your needs with the least amount of investment on your behalf.

    You also sound as if you know that any relationship with your cousin in the current day would be meaningless and undesirable. Again, the quickest solution would be to change the past. I too have several "if only"s in my past, but unfortunately, we are in the present and need to work now to create the future we would like.

    Go looking for someone who you would like to have a relationship with. I am sure that as you grow in a relationship with someone, the past will lose its power over you. There are many venues in which to meet someone interested in creating a long-term-relationship. Find those that interest you and see who you connect with.

    Best of luck - do not settle for less than you deserve - do celebrate your life

    Rand
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  15. #15
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    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    I had a similar sort of experience around the same age and it sounds like you have some of the same hangups about it. Like you I was very curious and excited and--very slyly--pursued it. (Were you really *that* naive? Honestly?) The thing is I *liked* it. But I was so ashamed of exploring sexuality that I've been constantly trying to figure out how it affected me and worrying about "what it meant" and worrying about whether I was traumatized by it somehow. My hangup is that, because I was and afraid of getting caught, and feeling ashamed, that on some level I turned it into something bad, when, from my perspective--not anyone else's, not his, not society's, just mine--it was simply a fun sexual experience I had, and the only negative way it affected me was that I forgot that's all it was.

  16. #16
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    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    I would agree.

    Talk to a gay positive therapist.

    Recognize that your cuz might have just been at the super horny age where he would have fucked any animate of inanimate object if he'd figured out what it was all about.

    But time to let him go. I had JO buddies who moved on to girls and babies and dull, dull lives. I still think back on the excitement and wonder of the early years.

    But you need real mature relationships now. And you need the reassurance that all the priggish nonsense that kept you from being a joyful, sexual person is completely gone.

    You came close here to writing out what you wanted to happen back then with your cousin. I'll bet if you did, anbd you made it into a positive and enjoyable event, it would help.

  17. #17
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    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    There's nothing for you to be ashamed of. It was normal adolescent experimentation. You need to move on with your life, you have to live in the future rather than the past. Be yourself, and you will find someone who will love you fully and make you whole. Life is a series of lucky breaks and set backs. Enjoy the breaks, learn from the setbacks and move on. Best of luck.

  18. #18
    JUB Addict hotatlboi's Avatar
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    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    Let's see.

    1. You regret not experimenting more as a kid.

    2. You have accepted that you are gay now as an adult and are out.

    3. You don't want a boyfriend/relationship and you also don't want NSA sex.

    4. Instead, you just spend your time wishing you had had sex when you were younger.

    No offense, but like others said, there are serious issues present here. You should be living your life today, not worrying about what you didn't do before. Otherwise, in 10-20 years, you're going to be regretting not living now. Definitely talk to a therapist, and then you seriously need to get laid.

  19. #19
    Porn Star easyroad's Avatar
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    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    Quote Originally Posted by somedude987 View Post
    I had a similar sort of experience around the same age and it sounds like you have some of the same hangups about it. Like you I was very curious and excited and--very slyly--pursued it. (Were you really *that* naive? Honestly?)
    That's the reason I wrote about the "noise incident", because even though I was that naive, there was this one time when I acted on my desire.

    Quote Originally Posted by somedude987 View Post
    The thing is I *liked* it. But I was so ashamed of exploring sexuality that I've been constantly trying to figure out how it affected me and worrying about "what it meant" and worrying about whether I was traumatized by it somehow. My hangup is that, because I was and afraid of getting caught, and feeling ashamed, that on some level I turned it into something bad, when, from my perspective--not anyone else's, not his, not society's, just mine--it was simply a fun sexual experience I had, and the only negative way it affected me was that I forgot that's all it was.
    Yeah, you sound almost exactly like me. The only difference is that I was more afraid of him rejecting me than anything else. If I could trust that he would reciprocate my affections, then the story would have been completely different - and much better, I think we can all agree... :P

    Once again, thank you all for your advice!

  20. #20

    Re: Something from my past - I need to get this out of my chest

    Why don't you meet up with this cousin, go out for a drink and see if anything is still there

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